My fiance hates my new look

[Mr. Lucky]

I've seen photos of him in his early 20s where he used to have red hair, blonde streaks, red stripes, long hair etc...then it all fell out and he settled on a buzz cut, which looks way better on him anyway.

 

Makes sense, he was in his early 20’s ...

 

Mr Lucky. You make a point of '37 year old' do you think that's relevant?

 

For many men, myself included, it certainly is. We’ve all seen men and women dressed inappropriately for their age - skinny jeans, belly shirts, spandex, mini skirts, etc. I want a partner comfortable in her own skin, not someone seemingly chasing after something lost a decade or more ago.

 

Doesn’t make me right and you wrong. But, as with your BF, does put us in very different camps. The test isn’t what you’ve done, it’s what you’re going to do from here ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

so you think my family and friends who compliment me aren't being genuine?

 

My 55 year old coworker decided to dye her hair purple last year. I told her that I liked it because I like her, and if it makes her happy then that’s all that matters. But, let’s just say that my hair will never be purple and what came out of mouth was not consistent with the thoughts in my head...

 

I’m all for being who you really are, but all decisions have consequences. And, when in a relationship we all make compromises to please our partner... that’s just the way things work. I would be looking for a way to compromise...

[healing light]

If you can't find a compromise on this... with regards to a wig or temporary coloring that washes out...

 

I think part of it for you is that it represents creative freedom and expression that was repressed in your last stuffy corporate job. Is there a way to get those feelings back that don't involve hair? With a creative hobby or something like this? Coloring your hair seems to be symbolic of a larger thing for you.

 

All I can chime in with are a few things from back in the day for me. I once knew this guy for a year or two--loved his personality. Then he changed his hair one day and it struck me for the first time that I was actually really attracted to him in that way. I never saw him in that light before when he had his hair styled differently.

 

My ex is extremely good-looking. When I met him, he styled his hair down that gave him the cutest boyish charm. He went through a few different hairstyles and I liked them all except when he slicked it back. For whatever reason, when he slicked his hair back it reminded me of a hitman in the mafia (he has a very muscular build). Haha, if I had met him with that hairstyle, I'm not sure if my attraction would have hit me the same way. I was already in love with him at this point, I just thought he looked much cuter/better with any of the other styles.

 

So I do understand hairstyle having an influence on attraction. With different colors, it might also bring out different tones in your teeth or complexion (you know how bright reds or browns can make teeth look more yellow, etc.). While it sounds shallow, like it shouldn't matter, I think it does subconsciously influence attraction.

 

Decide how important the hair is to you and if you can get whatever need coloring the hair is giving you fulfilled in another way since this is impacting your sex life/relationship enough to post here. Maybe you can experiment with temporary wash out coloring if you still need the thrill of the process....

Edited November 5, 2019 by healing light

[emz23]

I think you're right and it is a creativity thing. I just like doing it and it makes me happy. But maybe there are other ways I can think about.

 

Reading above about girls who have ditched guys because they shaved their beards is a bit of an eye opener. I didn't know that really happened. I said above about him considering a ridiculous moustache. I don't think that would make him unattractive to me, I'd just laugh at him....although I would miss his beard.

 

I guess the way I look at it is that just because my hair changed.... I haven't. I'm still the girl he fell in love with and wanted to marry. So if my hair is such a big turn offf then does he actually love me, or does he just like looking at me? Say if I got disfigured in an accident; is he going to think I'm unattractive then?

 

 

 

For many men, myself included, it certainly is. We’ve all seen men and women dressed inappropriately for their age - skinny jeans, belly shirts, spandex, mini skirts, etc. I want a partner comfortable in her own skin, not someone seemingly chasing after something lost a decade or more ago.

 

Doesn’t make me right and you wrong. But, as with your BF, does put us in very different camps. The test isn’t what you’ve done, it’s what you’re going to do from here ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I kind of agree, but I look at as I am now confident and comfortable enough to do my hair crazy colors. I never did it when I was young or on the career path out of fear of how it would impact my career or what others would think of it. Then I took the leap, loved it and never looked back...until now.

[LivingWaterPlease]

So if my hair is such a big turn offf then does he actually love me, or does he just like looking at me? Say if I got disfigured in an accident; is he going to think I'm unattractive then?

 

Both, he loves you and likes looking at you.

 

Yes, if you get disfigured you're probably going to be less physically attractive to him and to others.

 

But, you wouldn't have a choice in the matter. Right now you have a choice as to how you present your appearance.

 

Also, as you live together over the years your love will hopefully grow into a greater bond so that if you do become disfigured that bond and his commitment will help keep you together.

 

One of the ways you encourage that deep bond to form is by each of you doing all in your power to please the other.

[nittygritty]

Are you testing your fiancé to see if he will stay with you if you disfigure yourself?

 

It’s not like some kind of accident occurred with hair dye. You are choosing to have green hair knowing full well that your fiancé isn’t attracted to you with unnatural looking, crazy colored hair. Perhaps you aren’t really in love with him? Or you are struggling with personal issues that are causing you to sabotage yourself and your relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

I never did it when I was young or on the career path out of fear of how it would impact my career or what others would think of it.

 

Interesting you were willing and able to understand the need to consider the effect on others regarding your career but not your fiance? Not sure where that leaves him...

 

I guess the way I look at it is that just because my hair changed.... I haven't. I'm still the girl he fell in love with and wanted to marry. So if my hair is such a big turn offf then does he actually love me, or does he just like looking at me?

 

Almost everything we do in a relationship helps build either a bridge or a wall.

 

Pick one...

 

Mr. Lucky

[emz23]

Are you testing your fiancé to see if he will stay with you if you disfigure yourself?

 

It’s not like some kind of accident occurred with hair dye. You are choosing to have green hair knowing full well that your fiancé isn’t attracted to you with unnatural looking, crazy colored hair. Perhaps you aren’t really in love with him? Or you are struggling with personal issues that are causing you to sabotage yourself and your relationship.

 

It's not about testing him. I didn't even think about it like that until he started acting weird and I found out his reason. I just think that if something as small as me having emerald hair is going to completely turn him off of me, then what happens if something serious happens?

 

I do love him and as far as I'm aware my personal issues are much better now. I didn't change my hair to sabotage the relationship. I don't see having green hair (or any other color hair) as disfigurement or sabotaging myself. When I got it done I didn't know full well he'd hate it. He didn't like the pink highlights so I suspected he may not like it but I didn't think it was going to turn him off completely. I had assumed he loved me for more than what I look like.

 

I see what you're saying about pleasing the other person but he's always maintained that he doesn't want to control me and I don't want to be controlled. I can't think of anything he could do that would turn me off completely because I love him and the bond is way more important sexually and emotionally than what he looks like. I don't want to tell him what he can and can't do and I'd accept whatever he chose.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Sorry, but it's not a small thing. It's huge. A woman's hair is her crowning beauty, and you've decided to trash yours.

 

That sounds really harsh, I know, but we can't just pretend that humans using chemicals to dye their hair entirely unnatural colors is some innate part of the human makeup and should be treated and tolerated as one of those things that just can't be helped. Lots of men are entirely turned off by unnatural hair colors. Period.

 

I tried bleaching and dying my hair crazy colors a couple of times when I was in my mid-teens, just for funsies and to get it out of my system. Just because I did that before doesn't obligate me to be attracted to people who do that now. I think crazy colored hair looks ridiculous, 100% of the time, unless it's part of an elaborate costume. And the propensity of some adults in this culture to incorporate flamboyant costumery into their daily wear, to me, speaks of an inability to move beyond childhood on some level. No, I would NEVER say that to someone's face, but I would also NEVER hire someone who presents as hanging their identity on having an unnatural physical appearance.

 

Remember, and especially if you claim that doing this is part of your self-expression, etc. - that this deliberate outward expression says something about who you are on the inside. Different people will interpret it in different ways, some positive and some negative. Your personal freedoms don't do crap to change that and never will.

 

There is literally no way to guilt or talk anybody into being attracted to that if their gut says "NOPE! Do not like." The thing about all this freedom of creative expression and individuality is that yeah - YOU GET TO MAKE THAT CHOICE. But you do NOT get to dictate to other people that they are wrong or unreasonable for finding it offensive or off-putting.

 

What's more important to you? Which would you rather keep if the choice were put to you - not by your man as an ultimatum, but by some crazy person trying to figure out which is more valuable to you so they can use that information to manipulate you? You can ONLY KEEP ONE, which is it? Your unnaturally colored hair, or your fiance?

 

Every decision we make to prioritize the retention and continuation of deliberate/elective behaviors, which are fully in our control, over the comfort, attraction, etc. of our partners - every time we decide to do something that offends them or puts them off for the sake of individual freedom - is a chip away at the foundation of the whole thing. Relationships don't function on the model where you "lock one down" and then it's yours to keep no matter how you change with regard to your appearance or behavior. Relationships are an ongoing balancing act.

 

Being in a relationship with another human being is, in its very essence, the deliberate and conscious foregoing of a measure of personal freedom for the sake of maintaining an attachment. If you want someone who will love you no matter what you do or how you look or whatever, you get a dog. You don't get to require unconditional love of another human being, and you don't get to decide what THEIR conditions should be to maintain ongoing attraction, commitment, etc.

Edited November 5, 2019 by Kitty Tantrum
typos

[Blind-Sided]

I've let my 13 yo have blue, and VERY red hair before. I honestly think it's cute on her. but........

 

 

............

Mr Lucky. You make a point of '37 year old' do you think that's relevant?

 

IMHO... its not just screaming "Look at me"... but at a certain age it also says... "Look at me, I think I'm still 20 and I can't understand why people don't take me serious." My brother's ex has this issue. She has an un healthy self image than she is in her early 20's. She 52 now... and it's really unattractive to see her acting like she is the center of attention when we are out. (I see her a few times a year because they have a kid in common)

 

 

Anyway... a temp crazy color for a holiday, or special event is one thing... but to do a perm-color as an adult... unless you are in a band... is throwing the wrong, immature message.

[nittygritty]

I see what you're saying about pleasing the other person but he's always maintained that he doesn't want to control me and I don't want to be controlled. I can't think of anything he could do that would turn me off completely because I love him and the bond is way more important sexually and emotionally than what he looks like. I don't want to tell him what he can and can't do and I'd accept whatever he chose.

 

So you have issues of not wanting to feel controlled that dyeing your hair crazy colors relieves in some way? Or is it more than that?

 

Most people go through their minor rebellious phases as they transition from adolescence to adulthood in their teens and twenties but you are almost 40.

 

If your fiancé started cheating on you or hitting you or became addicted to drugs, alcohol or gambling, you may or may not be okay with that. But most people have boundaries or “deal breakers” that they would end a love relationship over. He isn’t your parent. He doesn’t have to love you unconditionally ‘just because’.

 

Green hair isn’t attractive to most people. And it isn’t attractive to your fiancé. Neither is pink, purple or blue hair.

[Woggle]

I will go against the grain and say that your fiance needs to lighten up. What you are doing is harmless.

[Kitty Tantrum]

It harms his attraction to her, likely on a visceral level.

 

 

It doesn't sound like he's tried to control her at all. All he's doing is not faking continued attraction. And he SHOULDN'T fake attraction, because that is not healthy or sustainable.

[healing light]

Reading above about girls who have ditched guys because they shaved their beards is a bit of an eye opener. I didn't know that really happened. I said above about him considering a ridiculous moustache. I don't think that would make him unattractive to me, I'd just laugh at him....although I would miss his beard.

 

I guess the way I look at it is that just because my hair changed.... I haven't. I'm still the girl he fell in love with and wanted to marry. So if my hair is such a big turn offf then does he actually love me, or does he just like looking at me?

 

I can understand what you're saying here because I don't believe change of hairstyle would make me fall out of love with someone that I was already into, and I will be honest that it does surprise me that your hair dye is affecting his sexual attraction to you to the point where the sex has dropped off and it's become an issue.

 

So I can sympathize with your sentiment even though I do think hairstyles can influence attraction to a degree. If someone becomes facially disfigured, I do think that inevitably affects physical attraction even if it doesn't change the underlying love between two people. Of course, I don't associate your hair dye with disfigurement. I was surprised someone even equated the two here because it's not the same thing at all, one presumably happens accidentally and is irreversible, while hairstyle is a personal choice that can change.

 

But it doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks on this, really--what matters is what your partner thinks about it and whether you can come to a compromise or accept how he thinks and feels about it, since he's the one you're wanting to build a life with.

 

And for him, it's to the point where he avoids looking at you and sleeping with you, which is a pretty strong reaction, imo. So even though you don't think it should be an issue, it obviously is.... I'm not sure what else to say to you other than trying to meet that need in another way, experiment with temporary wash out colors, etc. or decide that this is a dealbreaker for you? It sounds like he met you during the 2.5 years when your hair was naturally colored, so while this is just a continuation of an established trend for you that you see as part of your identity or expression, to him it's all new and unwelcome.

 

Edited to add a side note: I never thought about meeting a bearded guy and how a beard covers up someone's actual face to the extent where you might find the face itself unattractive once it's shaved off. A hidden danger! Haha. j/k.

Edited November 6, 2019 by healing light

[Mr. Lucky]

I can understand what you're saying here because I don't believe change of hairstyle would make me fall out of love with someone that I was already into, and I will be honest that it does surprise me that your hair dye is affecting his sexual attraction to you to the point where the sex has dropped off and it's become an issue.

 

I think you and the OP both guilty of minimizing the impact. Calling green or purple hair a "change of hairstyle" would be like your BF channeling his inner Ronald McDonald and passing it off as a "change of wardrobe".

 

Big shoes, bulb nose and red wig, it wouldn't matter right? After all, it's still him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[emz23]

If your fiancé started cheating on you or hitting you or became addicted to drugs, alcohol or gambling, you may or may not be okay with that.

 

Whoa. That's not the same thing at all. When I said I couldn't think of anything he could do that would make him unattractive to me, I meant physically; like a haircut/color, facial hair etc.

 

It isn't that I feel like dyeing my hair relieves feeling controlled. But not being able to do it because he doesn't want me to, does feel like control. He already told me I can keep doing it if it makes me happy, so I guess I can. But then as people are saying, I will have to deal with his reaction to it and him finding me unattractive.

 

We are having sex again now and he is being more affectionate. I can't help the feeling that he is going through the motions though; although that may be in my head. He told me flat out when drunk that he didn't find me attractive so not sure why that would have changed.

 

When we spoke about it (drunk) he said the hair hadn't stopped him loving me, just that he thought it made me unattractive.

 

I don't do my hair to get attention or because I want people to look at me. I do it because I like it. I enjoy planning it out and the bright colors make me happy. There is no other reason for it.

 

I don't see it as trashing my hair; I like the look and don't think him dressing as a clown is comparable either. Lots of people dye their hair crazy colors and you walk down the street and see it everywhere....you don't see people walking around dressed as clowns. I do get the impression he sees it that way though. He told me I looked hot on Halloween and also when I've done crazy glittery spray on and stick on stuff at festivals and gigs. I guess the difference is that this is permanent color and therefore he hates it. Although I don't know why that is. I think I get it a bit. He wore green hotpants at a festival and looked completely ridiculous (in a hot kind of way ) but I wouldn't want him wearing them everyday. To me that was clearly fancy dress whereas I really like the way my hair looks.

Edited November 6, 2019 by emz23

[emz23]

So, do you think that if he were to spring blue and orange hair on you that you would still be able to take him seriously?

 

 

Well it depends what it looks like. I'd possible laugh or maybe think it was cool. Either way I'm pretty sure I'd still be attracted to him because his hair doesn't matter that much to me and if he really wanted orange and blue hair then he should get that.

[LivingWaterPlease]

. So if my hair is such a big turn offf then does he actually love me, or does he just like looking at me? Say if I got disfigured in an accident; is he going to think I'm unattractive then?

 

I was surprised someone even equated the two here because it's not the same thing at all, one presumably happens accidentally and is irreversible, while hairstyle is a personal choice that can change.

 

As you can see OP is the one who compared the two.

[Mr. Lucky]

I really like the way my hair looks.

 

emz23, not sure why the need to advocate your position, it's not your feelings in question here.

 

As you knew when you titled the thread "My fiance hates my new look", it's his perception that's the issue.

 

So, having done something he hates, the obvious question is "what next"?

 

Mr. Lucky

[healing light]

I think you and the OP both guilty of minimizing the impact. Calling green or purple hair a "change of hairstyle" would be like your BF channeling his inner Ronald McDonald and passing it off as a "change of wardrobe".

 

This made me laugh out loud. I do think hairstyles can affect attraction, I just don't know that it could change mine so drastically once I was already in love with someone. I've never been in that situation. And I don't disagree with your other advice--as I've said to OP, she needs to determine how to handle it because it doesn't matter what any of us think, it clearly IS an issue for him.

[major_merrick]

I think that your fiance never figured out that aspect of your personality, and it shocks him. Essentially, you changed the mental concept that he had of you, and it is uncomfortable. Maybe he can deal with it, maybe he can't. Maybe you can find a compromise, maybe you can't. It is a minor issue to some, but to others body modification is a big emotional or religious issue.

I like highlights in my hair. I've had either bright red or maroon streaks added to my blonde since I was a kid. I've gone the other way and dyed my hair black with blonde streaks, or bright red. My husband has seen enough to expect that even though I have a settled look, I might be different someday. Chances are, he'll probably be the one putting the dye in my hair. His concept of me won't change because we've been friends for 20 years. I'm the crazy one in his family. Your fiance has only known you a while. If you've got any other surprises is store for him, you might want to bring those out before you get married....

[Libby1]

I think crazy hair can look cool, creative etc, and it can certainly help people to fit in to the working environment in edgy, creative professions. But I think the average male libido is about as interested in the personal styles that work in those circles as the people in those circles are in appealing to the average male libido. The mating instinct looks for signs of good health and physical normality. Fashion extremes often encourage people to present the exact opposite.

[emz23]

emz23, not sure why the need to advocate your position, it's not your feelings in question here.

 

As you knew when you titled the thread "My fiance hates my new look", it's his perception that's the issue.

 

So, having done something he hates, the obvious question is "what next"?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Ok sure. I was justifying because you equated it to him dressing as a clown. To me it's different. If he did that it would be intentionally dressing weird just to get back at me. Its not the same thing as when I do my hair, because I like it.

This is a fair point overall though and yes the important part is where we go from here. I guess what I was hoping to establish:

 

1) is he being unreasonable in acting the way he did. Is this a sign of controlling behaviour that I should be worried about?

2)is there anything I could have done differently that might have made him react different?

3)is this a deal breaker. Is he ever going to get attraction back? If I do my hair cool colors again will he be turned off again? If he is, then is that enough for him to end the relationship or seek attraction elsewhere? Can we deal with it? I could accept that it might not be his cup of tea, but I'm not sure I can deal with him being completely turned off, not looking at me or being affectionate.

4) how do I shake the feeling that he is going through the motions with me now and that he still doesn't find me attractive? Is he having sex with me just to keep me happy? How much damage has this caused? Some above say they "never got the attraction back"?

5) when I go to the salon next what do I do. Do I go brown and then resent him for not being able to do my crazy colors ever again? Do I try to compromise knowing that he will probably not like anything 'unnatural'? I think if we talk he will use his stock answer 'if you like it then that's cool'....and then proceed to find me unattractive again if I do what I want to do. Can I just learn to love brown hair and accept that it's a compromise? (not expecting an answer to that last one!)

6) something that did crop up in this thread that made me think is the 'mating instinct' and 'mother of his children' comments. I want kids and I want them with him. I guess people are saying that coloring my hair will basically say to him that I'm not mature enough to be a mother?

7) why is permanent color so different to temporary. He can say I look hot with spray colors, glitter, face paint etc when we go to events. But yet if I do almost the same in permanent color then he finds me unattractive?

 

Thanks for the replies. Some food for thought definitely.

[emz23]

love - attraction = friendship?

[stillafool]

1-No he isn't being unreasonable or controlling. He likes what he likes, don't you?

2-No. If you like your hair crazy colors and he doesn't there's nothing you can do.

3-Only time will tell. When my bf shaved his beard I never got attraction back and broke up.

4-Ask him. No, he is having sex to fulfill his sexual needs. He still needs sex.

5-I agree with your bf this is your decision and he isn't controlling you.

6-No, I don't think people were insinuating that at all. It just doesn't look very maternal.

7-Because going to events it seems costumey which is okay but all the time looks too unnatural for everyday. Hey, again since you like it just do you.