My fiance hates my new look

[d0nnivain]

1) is he being unreasonable in acting the way he did. Is this a sign of controlling behaviour that I should be worried about?

 

I don't see him being controlling. He's expressing a preference.

 

If he's being unreasonable stating that he doesn't like your colored hair & finds it unattractive, aren't you similarly being unreasonable insisting that these hair colors are you expressing yourself & basically insisting that the world accept you this way?

 

2)is there anything I could have done differently that might have made him react different?

Yes. Taken his feelings into consideration. You said in an earlier post that when you made this choice, you knew he would hate it. Purposefully doing things to upset your partner is not healthy.

 

3)is this a deal breaker. Is he ever going to get attraction back? If I do my hair cool colors again will he be turned off again? If he is, then is that enough for him to end the relationship or seek attraction elsewhere? Can we deal with it? I could accept that it might not be his cup of tea, but I'm not sure I can deal with him being completely turned off, not looking at me or being affectionate.

 

Only he can answer these Qs for you. One would hope that you two can find a path together. It is only hair color after all but you said it yourself the posts by the women who admitted that they no longer found their BFs attractive after those guys shaved their beards should give you pause. The hair color thing may be a full on deal breaker for him.

 

4) how do I shake the feeling that he is going through the motions with me now and that he still doesn't find me attractive? Is he having sex with me just to keep me happy? How much damage has this caused? Some above say they "never got the attraction back"?

 

Again you have to talk to him about this.

 

5) when I go to the salon next what do I do. Do I go brown and then resent him for not being able to do my crazy colors ever again? Do I try to compromise knowing that he will probably not like anything 'unnatural'? I think if we talk he will use his stock answer 'if you like it then that's cool'....and then proceed to find me unattractive again if I do what I want to do. Can I just learn to love brown hair and accept that it's a compromise? (not expecting an answer to that last one!)

 

It's entirely up to you but seriously what do you love more: colored hair or your BF? It is only hair & you have the option of using temporary color.

 

6) something that did crop up in this thread that made me think is the 'mating instinct' and 'mother of his children' comments. I want kids and I want them with him. I guess people are saying that coloring my hair will basically say to him that I'm not mature enough to be a mother?

 

Exactly. Crazy hair may be fun when you are young but as an adult, it will give certain people a negative impression. Your guy may very well not want that for the mother of his children. It's like middle aged women who try to dress young & hip like their teenaged daughters. It just looks silly like she's trying too hard to hang on to her lost youth.

 

7) why is permanent color so different to temporary. He can say I look hot with spray colors, glitter, face paint etc when we go to events. But yet if I do almost the same in permanent color then he finds me unattractive?

 

Because the temporary colors & other things are event appropriate at a festival or something, not for every day when you are actually a responsible grown up. You can't wear a bikini to work & you wouldn't wear a formal gown to mow the lawn. It's about the situation.

 

I really don't understand why this option: having brown hair regularly but spicing things up on occasion doesn't work for you. What is it about your hair color that you are so willing to tell a man you allegedly love to go stuff it & force him to accept something he dislikes so much just so you can have colored hair? Can't you be satisfied with once in a while or accept the idea that sometimes we make compromises for the people we love? Isn't there any other way you can express your creativity?

 

In the end it's your choice.

[BaileyB]

Every decision has a consequence.

 

The decision to dye your hair a wacky colour without consulting your boyfriend, when you knew he would not like it, has a consequence.

 

What would make me really unhappy - that you showed no consideration of his feelings before you did it and you continue to show no consideration for his feelings after he has told you that he is unhappy. Rather than respect his opinion and attempt to find a compromise, you are insistent that you should be able to do whatever it is you want to do - in this case, permanently dye your hair a totally bizarre colour.

 

It is for that reason, not the hair colour, that I would be reconsidering this relationship. Is this a harbinger of how you are going to behave in a marriage? I don’t know... but, that is the issue here, not necessary the hair colour.

 

I too think your compromise is brown hair, with the ability to do a temporary hair colour in the summer, at Halloween, or for your birthday. p

 

If you love him, and you want to keep this relationship, you need to meet him halfway - in this, and sooooo many other things if you want to have a happy, long term relationship with this man.

[Woggle]

I feel I must be taking crazy pills because I feel it is her hair and she should be able to dye it how she wants. If you give in to this then it will be another thing and another thing and pretty soon you will feel like you have lost your identity and resent him for it. Maybe not now but if you become this kind of person that he wants you to be one day you will crack. Beside funky hair colors can look good on a woman.

[introverted1]

He wore green hotpants at a festival and looked completely ridiculous (in a hot kind of way ) but I wouldn't want him wearing them everyday. To me that was clearly fancy dress whereas I really like the way my hair looks.

 

 

Here's where your reasoning falters. You've decided that because you like your hair his reaction to it is unwarranted, whereas you not wanting him to wear green hotpants on a regular basis is justified.

 

 

 

There's no difference between your green hair and his green hotpants. Except that the hotpants can be taken off.

[NuevoYorko]

It's not that complicated. Don't most of us try to enhance our qualities that our partner finds attractive?

 

This is about you, OP, not your guy. He doesn't find green/ other rainbow colors attractive on you. We like what we like, it's not wrong or controlling. I don't like fake boobs. It's possible that I'd forget about that if a woman's other qualities were so blinding ... but so far, no. If a woman I was with knew this and decided to get them after we were engaged, well, it would bug me but bottom line, I would not enjoy looking at or touching her boobs much. That's pretty much a death knell to my relationship.

 

He probably wants to be with a woman he's physically attracted to, who wouldn't? Also I'd think you'd want to be with a man who was physically attracted to you. Physical attraction is a big deal, no?

 

I don't see any controlling behavior here and I also don't agree with the people here who think you're too old to dye your hair green, or that it shows you are immature or whatever. There is probably a growing issue between you. It's off putting that you aren't easily willing to change a cosmetic feature to something he likes; especially one that you've just adopted since you've been involved with him. He's probably mystified.

 

Last thing: you've repeated often "it makes me happy." I'd be unhappy to have this conflict in my relationship. Much more unhappy than I'd be happy because I had green hair. Maybe your priorities are not really with this relationship.

Edited November 7, 2019 by NuevoYorko

[stillafool]

I feel I must be taking crazy pills because I feel it is her hair and she should be able to dye it how she wants. If you give in to this then it will be another thing and another thing and pretty soon you will feel like you have lost your identity and resent him for it. Maybe not now but if you become this kind of person that he wants you to be one day you will crack. Beside funky hair colors can look good on a woman.

 

Woggle she does dye her hair because that is what she wants. He doesn't tell her not to but tell her to do as she pleases. He is allowed to dislike it. He doesn't find it attractive nor do a lot of people. Still, her boyfriend is not trying to control her in any way.

[stillafool]

Look OP, if your hair colors are that important to you you need to break up with him and find a man like Woggle who loves this sort of thing. No one is wrong here it's a matter or preference and attraction.

[Kitty Tantrum]

You're trying to spin it, at this point, as you being concerned about him being controlling, as if him somehow forcing himself to be or act like he's still attracted to you with this crazy hair thing going on is the only way you can know for sure that he's not controlling and that you have a healthy relationship.

 

This is entirely wrong.

 

He's not telling you what you should or shouldn't do (have natural hair/don't have weird hair - as a condition of relationship).

 

YOU are trying to tell HIM what he should or shouldn't do (be attracted to you with your weird hair/don't be put off by weird hair - as a condition of relationship).

 

Thing is, you HAVE control over whether you have weird hair or not. He has NO control over whether he finds you attractive and sexy with weird hair.

 

Like others have pointed out, crazy colored hair or other extremes of appearance can be fun and hot and sexy to pretty much anyone in the appropriate context (costume parties, events, etc.).

 

But the fact that you feel the need to be "in costume" 24/7 seems childish. The fact that this is a priority to you is off-putting. He's probably getting the impression that this is always going to be "a thing" with you - where you can't be happy just being a normal person. You will forever be expending resources on the upkeep of this unnatural appearance - which he doesn't even find attractive as a matter of routine. If having this hair is more important than his attraction to you, worth all this time and money - where will children fall on your list of priorities? Will having "cool hair" be more important than doing XYZ thing with or for your kids?

 

My 9 year old has been wearing the Halloween costume I made for him every day since Halloween. It's cute because he's still a kid. If you put on a sexy red-headed nurse costume (or whatever) for a Halloween party, your fiance might think that's REALLY HOT... but if you keep wearing it day after day after day as you go about your normal adult life, he's gonna be like... something ain't right here.

 

Seems to me like he's perfectly capable of appreciating extreme appearances as a NOVELTY. But where you want to take something that he sees as really only being OK for grown adults in the context of novelty/costume, and do it 24/7 every single day - that's a red flag. I'm willing to bet he'd be put off by ANY costume-y appearance on a day-to-day basis, even the same look in a novelty/occasional context might have him tossing you on the bed and ravishing you.

[RecentChange]

Between the ages of 13 and 20 I dyed my hair red, pink, blue, purple, and green. Green was definitely the least becoming on me. Some people liked it, some people hated it, for me it was fun.

 

If my husband dyed his hair green tomorrow I would ask him to change it back.

 

If he has green hair I would be embarrassed to go in public with him.

 

If he had green hair my family would think that he wasn't responsible.

 

If he had green hair I wouldn't find him as attractive.

 

Yes even with green hair he would still be the same man - but still.

 

Green hair SAYS SOMETHING - and it's not a statement I am looking for my adult life partner to make.

 

Does that make me a hypocrite?

 

I totally see where the OPs spouse is coming from.

 

And it's not like I am uptight and buttoned up. My husband is the jeans / hoodie / Vans kinda guy. He is involved in the music scene - rock and punk.

 

But green hair would be a problem for me.

[major_merrick]

Hair color may say something, but dealing with that is mostly employment-related. My husband is in management. For him to dye his hair wouldn't be very acceptable. You're supposed to be all grown-up and stuck-up and whatever. We take ourselves too seriously. Back when I was working, I got by with the streaks in my hair because nobody wanted to challenge me on it. Now that I'm not working, I could go pink or green or blue if I wanted...doesn't hurt my non-existent paycheck.

 

Flip society's expectation on its head. OP is no longer controlled by her job. What she wore to her job was essentially a costume. Why bother with that costume when no longer required?

[preraph]

emz, just a few weeks ago, there was a thread about this from the man's perspective called "Feel Awful for Not Liking Her Hair."

 

You should read it so you can see how dead serious this can be for him. Hey, it might even BE him.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/687768-feel-awful-not-liking-her-hair

[Leigh 87]

I would understand if a guy was very fit and preferred fit women, and got together with a woman who was initially fit too ---. Who then had their girlfriend gain a tonne. I can see why a very fit man would lose attraction towards a slob of a partner.

 

But hair ? I really would prefer a man that's innately attracted to me face and my body and my overall chemistry to be good enough that a hair colour would not take ALL the attraction away....

 

I personally wouldn't be okay with a man who instantly lost all their lust and attraction towards me over a change of hair colour. I would not believe that they were ever that into my looks to begin with if the rest of my body and facial features weren't enough without my hair in the equation.......

 

But alas, you are late 30s didn't you say ? And you want kids. So I would just suck it up and accept that hey, at least he's honest with you and while it's never ideal for a man to lose All His attraction for you over ONE change ---. It's still better than winding up 40 and childless.

 

So whole I would not settle with a guy who would love attraction over hair, at your age honestly if you want kids then I would makes the best of the relationship and accept this one undesirable aspect - seeing as he otherwise makes you happy.

 

I've changed my hair many times. He met me when I had long blonde hair with extentions- he absolutely hates that style of hair and it's his LEAST favourite on me in the five years together. But having hair he wasn't crazy about didn't stop him from being very sexually attracted to me. So I would be seriously questioning things regarding your chemistry and just how much attraction he has towards you, if hair alone will just...put him totally off?

 

I mean my husband is a shallow guy ... but it's not good to lose attraction that easily.

[Els]

Some of my colleagues have wild colored hair and I think it's fine, but this is an awful lot of fuss to make about colored hair. I don't know which one of you is "wrong", but it's concerning to me that you two are about to pledge your life to each other and yet there's so much conflict over literal keratin. It's like a couple arguing day and night about something as trivial as their wedding dinner menu - makes you think they're not really ready to be married.

[Mr. Lucky]

Life will have plenty of challenges for the bond between you. Seems unwise to me to arbitrarily create your own tests...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Eternal Sunshine]

Every decision has a consequence.

 

The decision to dye your hair a wacky colour without consulting your boyfriend, when you knew he would not like it, has a consequence.

 

What would make me really unhappy - that you showed no consideration of his feelings before you did it and you continue to show no consideration for his feelings after he has told you that he is unhappy. Rather than respect his opinion and attempt to find a compromise, you are insistent that you should be able to do whatever it is you want to do - in this case, permanently dye your hair a totally bizarre colour.

 

It is for that reason, not the hair colour, that I would be reconsidering this relationship. Is this a harbinger of how you are going to behave in a marriage? I don’t know... but, that is the issue here, not necessary the hair colour.

 

I too think your compromise is brown hair, with the ability to do a temporary hair colour in the summer, at Halloween, or for your birthday. p

 

If you love him, and you want to keep this relationship, you need to meet him halfway - in this, and sooooo many other things if you want to have a happy, long term relationship with this man.

 

 

Wow. You must be so desperate for a relationship that you are willing to become a doormat.

 

 

This thread really saddens me the lenghts people go to and the amount of being controlled they are willing to take. I truly pity your lives.

[Mr. Lucky]

Wow. You must be so desperate for a relationship that you are willing to become a doormat.

 

 

This thread really saddens me the lenghts people go to and the amount of being controlled they are willing to take. I truly pity your lives.

 

Going to go way out on a limb and guess you're single...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Kitty Tantrum]

Relevant personal example: I've been cutting my hair fairly short and pretty much always wearing a hat for a long time. It's not a matter of my own personal preference in terms of appearance, but it has a TON of perks and has been an incredibly utilitarian hairstyle. This is nothing new, exactly - I had pretty short hair when my fiance and I met. But it has gotten shorter (pretty much a pixie cut), and it's almost always covered. I've gotten really comfortable with this, honestly. Maybe the opposite of the gals who like to do crazy colors, I'm pretty averse to attention, and my hair used to attract a lot of attention when it was it longer and uncovered.

 

My fiance actually mentioned to me in conversation the other day that he doesn't find this particularly sexy. I mean, obviously - it's not supposed to be sexy, I've done it so that people won't want to look at me so much. But I'm about to marry this guy, and if he thinks it's unflattering enough to be worth mentioning, then personally, I feel pretty motivated to change that. I mean, yes, our relationship is about a lot more than sex and appearances, but his DESIRE for me is such a huge part of what makes the relationship so enjoyable. I can't imagine being okay just staying exactly the way am and stomping my feet and being all "you have to accept me for who I am right now" or whatever, and (heaven forbid if he actually stayed with me) having a man who stays with me but never particularly wants to pick me up and throw me on the bed - for example.

 

Same thing with keeping in shape. I gained some weight because I was sick for a couple years. My fiance isn't going to leave me over it, he's very understanding and patient, and it hasn't really decreased the frequency of our sexy times, but it makes a difference in the way he looks at me and touches me. And that's not wrong, it's normal. It is completely normal for our mates to want to see us healthy. Long, natural, soft, shiny hair is a huge factor in attraction for, I daresay, probably MOST men. Maybe not very "PC" of me to say that, but it's the truth whether anyone likes it or not. Green hair does not shout "healthy" to anyone, on any level. Popularity of consumer habits cannot undo everyone's innate/instinctive attraction triggers (and thank goodness, IMO). The change in smell and texture from the bleaching/dying/processing alone (as was talked about in that other thread) can be off-putting in a very instinctive way, even if the choice alone isn't throwing red flags RE: attention seeking behaviors and emotional health.

 

It's not about being a doormat, it's not about being controlled, it's about caring whether you have a partner who "accepts" you all the time - or a partner who really WANTS you all the time. I'd much rather the latter if at all possible, and I believe pretty firmly that there's nothing worth having that isn't worth working for.

[basil67]

Following Kitty's short hair comment....I have a pixie cut. Hubby would prefer it long, but I can't begin to tell you how much I dislike caring for long hair. And it looks terrible on me anyway. In this case, "accept me how I am" will have to do because I will not have hair that that I hate.

 

Even hubby when going through our old photos recently commented that the long hair didn't look good often.

[BaileyB]

I hear what you are saying basil, but short pixie cut TO ME is not the same as green hair. I would find a short pixie cut to be more socially acceptable and easier to accept than green hair colour.

 

Long vs. Short or Blonde vs Brunette - no worries.

 

Permanent green hair colour - not for me.

 

Not saying that I would end a relationship over green hair colour, but the whole situation would really annoy me.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Interesting posts, Kitty and basil!

 

I've had long hair most of my entire life, even now. But years ago I dated a guy who liked short hair. Guess what? My hair was short for those few years.

 

The admiration exchanged by lovers for each other is simply delicious!

 

Who wouldn't want to use whatever assets they have (and even can create! ) to procure as much of it from their beloved as possible?

[Els]

I agree that hair length, or anything related to practical matters, is a whole other kettle of fish from wild hair color or wild hairstyles. If H wanted to shave bald because he doesn't like maintaining his hair, sure I think he looks better with hair, but go for it. If he wanted to sport a purple mullet with a face tattoo.... eh. I mean, I certainly wouldn't leave him, but it WOULD affect my attraction, not gonna lie.

[preraph]

I had a problem-studded love for this guy a long time ago and he was in a band and had long curly hair. Now I'm not usually into curly hair, period, but long curly beats short curly any day. Then he and the whole band cut their hair. Ugh. I was disgusted and it did make me lose some attraction, but I still loved him. He didn't have a great body, was soft, so his skin, face and hair are what I found attractive, and there went one out of three.

[Woggle]

My wife's friend has had a buzz cut for years and her husband seems as in love with her as I am with my wife. They are one of the marriages that I would want to emulate.

[Veronica73]

I don’t know. I mean if he loses his attraction over hair color, to the point that it affects your sex life, what else might he lose his attraction over? Things go downhill as you age.

 

Also, seems a little...enmeshed/codependent to be so concerned about what your partner’s hair is like. Or how they dress or whatever. At least the way some people are explaining it. It’s like they think it’s perfectly normal to use your partner as a status symbol or something.

[beldar]

Ageing is something that just happens to us all. It cannot be avoided. It is a part of life.

 

The hair-colouring issue on the other hand is completely arbitrary and optional. Sadly, to her boyfriend it is perceived as a personal affront, an "in your face" taunt if you will. It makes him feel unappreciated, emasculated.

If it makes her unattractive to him then the relationship is not long for this world.

If she is unable to empathize with him, to comprehend what she is doing to his feelings, then again the relationship is not long for this world.

 

 

It takes two to tango, and it takes two to tangle.

 

 

Choose.