My fiance hates my new look

[FMW]

How so? I am not sure how my reaction was extreme?

 

Green or Blue hair is extreme to me. It's an expression of yourself that some people would see as being attention seeking or defiant. Unless someone knows you, they wouldn't pay any attention if you suddenly showed up as a blonde. But everyone is going to notice someone with green hair.

 

When I get home from work I immediately change into something that makes me feel good, I brush the hairspray out of my hair to loosen up the style. That's how I react to being free from professional expectations and that's how I spend my weekends away from work. So I get wanting to "free" yourself, but again, for me you are going to an extreme.

 

Your fiance seems like he's probably more conservative about appearance, like me. It doesn't make you wrong - just wrong for each other.

 

You should be with someone who shares or at least admires your free spirit, you shouldn't have to worry about how your partner will react to something that is important to you.

Edited November 4, 2019 by Finding my way

[RecentChange]

I am sure some marriages are compromised of two people who don't care at all about how their spouses dress and groom themselves - and well for others it's important.

 

My husband and I have pretty relaxed styles - but I really don't like it when he grows his beard long, or let's his hair get unruly.

 

The beard thing - I had to express my opinion. It DOES affect my attraction to him.

 

And my attraction to him is more important to him than having a long beard - so out of respect for me he trims it.

 

And I compromise for him. There are certain dresses he likes, hair do's etc that he likes on me, so I wear them for him. There are frumpy things that I find super comfy - that I don't wear around the house when he is home, because I know he doesn't like them.

 

Further - I want him to feel proud of me when we are in public and vice versa. Perhaps he has tamed some of his mountain man, and I have tamed some of my time boy tendencies to make each other happy.

[emz23]

 

 

Did you tell him ahead of time? Or did you just spring it on him?

 

 

Not fair.

 

No I didn't. The conversation would have gone ;

Me: I'm thinking of red hair. What do you think?

Him: I don't think I'd like it

Me *chickens out and resents him for it.

 

Why is it unfair? It's my hair.

 

I don't know he is a conformist. I've seen photos of him in his early 20s where he used to have red hair, blonde streaks, red stripes, long hair etc...then it all fell out and he settled on a buzz cut, which looks way better on him anyway.

 

He hasn't asked me not to do it. His reaction both times has been 'whatever makes you happy' but then his actions say otherwise. It took him getting drunk to admit that he hated it and thought it made me unattractive. That hurt.

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

Can a hair color really turn a guy off that much?

 

Yes. An unnatural hair color can turn a lot of people off. Bear in mind that some who say they like your hair probably don't know what else to say when they see it, because your hair color is glaringly obvious they feel they must say something, and sadly, they may be lying when they say they like it.

 

Also, they may like it for the thirty minutes they spend with you but wouldn't want to look at it all weekend long. It's totally different to have a friend with unnaturally colored hair and to have an SO or spouse with it.

 

Why don't you buy some brightly colored wigs and wear them when you're away from your husband? I know it's not the same as your own hair but may be a compromise you can live with? You could rip it off right before you come in the door!

[stillafool]

No I didn't. The conversation would have gone ;

Me: I'm thinking of red hair. What do you think?

Him: I don't think I'd like it

Me *chickens out and resents him for it.

 

Why is it unfair? It's my hair.

 

I don't know he is a conformist. I've seen photos of him in his early 20s where he used to have red hair, blonde streaks, red stripes, long hair etc...then it all fell out and he settled on a buzz cut, which looks way better on him anyway.

 

He hasn't asked me not to do it. His reaction both times has been 'whatever makes you happy' but then his actions say otherwise. It took him getting drunk to admit that he hated it and thought it made me unattractive. That hurt.

 

It isn't unfair. You are right it's your hair do what you want. He is entitled to not like it so why are you upset with his choice? Of course he isn't going to tell you what to do with your hair. He is only a boyfriend and doesn't want to overstep his place. If he starts disliking it enough that he no longer feels you are attractive enough to have sex with things will change. Maybe you would be better with men who like and do the same thing. I've seen men who look 40 with bright colored hair also so they're out there.

[emz23]

I've had sex with like 3 guys ever...including him. He's had sex with like 50 girls (not sure exact number; don't reeeally want to know). Point is, his standards can't be that high? But yet he'll say he isn't sexually attracted to me. I don't like that feeling. Yeah I get he is entitled to dislike my hair color, but I don't like the idea that he doesn't find me attractive when I do it.

 

Also seems hypocritical no? He had crazy colored hair in the past, yet he hates it on me.

 

I guess its mostly that the reaction was unexpected and to me, HIS reaction seems extreme. I've had all kinds of crazy designs on my nails - different colors on each finger and toes; sparkles; patterns etc. he always tells me it looks cool and I never asked him beforehand. I wear some really bright clothes and crazy shoes and he's never said anything. He compliments some, stays silent on others...one though he said "I'm looking forward to taking that dress off you tonight". I think that was his way of saying he didn't like it? Anyway point being is that he seemed pretty cool with the other stuff I've done and given he has some some whacky sh*t in the past too (which looked pretty awful on him tbh) I didn't think he'd react like this. When we've gone to festivals he's let me pretty much cover him in glitter. He let me do make-up on him at halloween. So I'm not sure about conformist.

 

Yes. An unnatural hair color can turn a lot of people off. Bear in mind that some who say they like your hair probably don't know what else to say when they see it, because your hair color is glaringly obvious they feel they must say something, and sadly, they may be lying when they say they like it.

 

so you think my family and friends who compliment me aren't being genuine? Even if they aren't I don't care; I like it. The wigs just aren't the same. I like planning the syle, picking the color and the whole process. Then seeing the results makes me happy.

[stillafool]

Look, if you like why do you care what anyone else thinks. As a matter of fact it seems that you don't so good for you. You're being unreasonable expecting someone to like something they don't just because you do. There's a big difference in nail polish and a whole head of hair.

[beldar]

I've seen men who look 40 with bright colored hair also so they're out there.

 

 

 

 

Yeah. WAY out there.

 

 

 

 

Emz23, how would you feel if he were to grow his hair out and colour it in blue and orange stripes? Would it make him more sexy to you? Or less?

[stillafool]

Also I don't understand what your boyfriend's previous sex life has to do with this.

[beldar]

So, do you think that if he were to spring blue and orange hair on you that you would still be able to take him seriously?

[stillafool]

I think she would. She likes that kind of hair.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Listen, I'm the first one to not let anyone tell me what I can and cannot do BUT when you're in a relationship, you have another person to consider at all times.

 

Yes, hairstyle and/or colour may seem like silly things to get hung up on but if you're dramatically altering your look, particularly if you haven't discussed it with your partner beforehand, it could very well be a problem.

 

Why is that so surprising?

 

I think you need to put yourself in his shoes for a moment and see how you would feel if he had gone out and done something totally off the wall to change the way he looks without talking to you about it first. Maybe you're super cool with however he wants to look but not everyone is as relaxed about such things. And when it comes to physical attraction, it's even trickier.

 

I don't think this makes him a bad guy nor does it make you a bad girl but I definitely think you both need to sit down and talk and figure out if there isn't some kind of middle ground that will make you both happy.

 

Good luck.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Also I don't understand what your boyfriend's previous sex life has to do with this.

 

I was thinking the same thing.

[d0nnivain]

I've had sex with like 3 guys ever...including him. He's had sex with like 50 girls (not sure exact number; don't reeeally want to know). Point is, his standards can't be that high?

 

He had crazy colored hair in the past, yet he hates it on me.

 

 

When we've gone to festivals he's let me pretty much cover him in glitter. He let me do make-up on him at halloween. So I'm not sure about conformist.

 

The glitter is temporary. The # of past partners he had is just that past. You are the one he proposed to.

 

You need to talk to him. I suspect this is about growing up & thinking that now that you are married & on the way to full time adulting the time for crazy colored hair has passed. It doesn't have to. . . but you need to talk to him about WHY he's having such a strong negative reaction to your hair if you don't otherwise know him to be a conservative person.

[preraph]

You need to choose. You can either keep dying your hair and ruin it in the process and find a new "out there" boyfriend who likes it or you can keep your hair some natural color that doesn't involved bleach which will eventually ruin your hair. It doesn't have to be the same brown as you have now. It could be a richer shade or you could get just blonde highlights so you don't ruin your whole head of hair.

 

Look, I'm from the original wave of punks, so I'm used to anything, but honestly, all these colors on people just look old and outdated to me. I mean, that was fresh in 1977, I guess.

[elaine567]

Bottom line, it doesn't matter what he did in the past, how wacky he was, how many girls he slept with, it is NOW that is important.

He is 38, even if he had hair, I guess he doesn't want to revisit his 20s look.

 

Your dyed hair makes you unattractive to him and that is a huge deal.

Yes he has got used to it, but I guess your next transformation, unless you decide to go back to natural, will evoke the same response.

You seem to be of the opinion that he SHOULD find you attractive no matter what, but it doesn't work like that.

I had a bf with a beard, he shaved it off one day to reveal a face I was not attracted to at all, he loved his new look I hated it, I never got that loving feeling back, he was history soon afterwards...

 

The other thing is that you KNEW he would hate it, yet you went ahead anyway, why would you do that?

Why would you want to put a spanner in the works?

[preraph]

There are plenty of parents who would take one look at that and tell their son, I don't think she's serious wife material. I didn't say it was right, but it could certainly make someone not take you seriously. I mean, people with rainbow hair aren't known to be hugely successful unless they're rock stars from 1970-something.

 

Have you ever considered buying wigs instead? That's what I did in the 70s. I had a hot pink wig and I dyed one lavender. That way I had them for fun but it didn't become a "thing."

Edited November 4, 2019 by preraph

[emz23]

This may be a repeat but I can't see my last post.

 

Also I don't understand what your boyfriend's previous sex life has to do with this.

 

Well you asked why I was upset with his choice. Based on his past his 'type' is anything female with a pulse and yet he is totally turned off by green hair. What's up with that?

 

I dont care what most people think. As I said in my OP my mom hates it and I don't care. I do care that my fiance is not sexually attracted to me and yeah I guess I worry he will start looking elsewhere for someone he is attracted to. Couple weekends back he was being super secretive on his phone, which he never does and I got mad and accused him of messaging someone else. He showed me all his messages and he was actually catching up with an old friend so I felt pretty stupid.

 

Yeah we do need to talk but things are good again now. The hair has faded and he seems ok with it now. He is being affectionate again, we are having regular sex. The other bits never changes; he is still supportive, fun and interesting. I don't want to rock the boat right now.

 

I guess I know what you mean about discussing first, but I know we're unlikely to find something he likes unless its a 'natural color'. Then I'll probably chicken out of doing what I want. He has a great beard and I love it. He was talking recently about doing movember and he showed me all these handlbar moustaches. I was like no way that'll look awful but do it if you want. He didn't do it in the end. Seriously it was awful, like something from a ring master in the circus, so yeah I'm glad he gave me a heads up and I see what you mean by that.

 

Yeah I thought he'd hate it, but it wasn't about him. I did it for me and didn't want to put a spanner in the works. I never thought it would be such a big deal.

Edited November 4, 2019 by emz23

[d0nnivain]

Yeah I thought he'd hate it, but it wasn't about him. I did it for me and didn't want to put a spanner in the works. I never thought it would be such a big deal.

 

Whoa.

 

You can't go into a marriage intentionally doing things that you know your FI would hate.

 

It is just hair & it shouldn't be as big of a deal but it was. Now you know to be more considerate of your FIs feelings.

[stillafool]

I had a bf with a beard, he shaved it off one day to reveal a face I was not attracted to at all, he loved his new look I hated it, I never got that loving feeling back, he was history soon afterwards...

 

 

OMG Elaine I also had a bf with a beautiful beard. I went home to visit my parents. When he picked me up at the airport he had shaved it off and I was not attracted at all to his fat face. I broke up with him because I was no longer attracted.

[preraph]

^ Did you at least ask him to grow it back first?

[stillafool]

No, because I knew he would not keep the beard forever and I'd have to live with that face. It just wasn't the one that attracted me and pulled me in. I was young, you know how it was in your 20s. No time to...

[LivingWaterPlease]

so you think my family and friends who compliment me aren't being genuine?

 

I can't say what your family and friends are thinking. I would think some of them may like it and some not, because it seems there are those who do and those who don't like any particular fad or style.

 

Even if they aren't I don't care; I like it.

 

OK, well, then wear your hair like that. It seems to me on the one hand you complain your bf doesn't like it, while on the other your attitude is, "I don't care!"

 

Do you care or not?

 

The wigs just aren't the same. I like planning the syle, picking the color and the whole process. Then seeing the results makes me happy.

 

Of course they aren't the same. It would be a compromise which is what many couples decide on if they're at odds on an issue.

[LivingWaterPlease]

OK, I see an earlier post where you said you don't care if your mother likes it or not, but you care if you bf does. So, didn't realize that when I posted last.

[preraph]

I never met a guy who minded a romp when I was wearing one of my wigs. Of course, when I wore them, I also turned into a different person and had a different name. My last wig, I had help naming it from my old flame: Lolika. She was long honey-colored straight hair with platinum on the sides.

 

Just sayin.