2 Months into Marriage- Heartbroken

[Confused606]

I thought it’d be forever. When I said I do, I meant it. Why didn’t he?

 

I’ve been heartbroken for 3 weeks. It was less that 2 months into our marriage, when I found a messaging app on on my husband’s phone. He was conversing and asking two men if they were free this week or next. I wish that was the worse of it but then I found the personal sex ad of his online, requesting sex from men. I didn’t know he was bisexual, I didn’t know he’d be capable of sexually conversing with others. I’d never thought he’d cheat. He said he never met up or cheated on me with anyone. I want to believe him. He said he was sorry and that he realized what he did is wrong and he’ll never do it again.

 

Should I believe him? How does anyone trust someone who betrays and lies?

We had our future all planned out. Is it better just to divorce and move on ?

[stillafool]

Oh sweet heart I'm so sorry this happened to you. There is another thread on LS where the woman's bf is breaking up with her to explore sex with transsexual prostitutes. I don't know what is going on. If he is talking and advertising for sex he has more than likely already had sex with men no matter what he tells you. You cannot believe him when he says he won't do it again because he has an itch you will never be able to scratch. Plus you leave yourself open to STDs. Thank goodness you found out before you had children with him. Again, please don't believe him that he won't do it again. He can't help himself because that is what he wants while using you as a beard. Did you ever suspect that he is gay?

[Confused606]

No I never suspected him to be anything other than straight. 5 years we’ve been together and he hid it so well frown everyone. I’d be okay with him being bisexual too. I just can’t deal with the fact that he was messaging guys and asking if they were free after posting a personal ad. It’s unbelievable. I’d hate to give up on marriage:(

[d0nnivain]

I couldn't handle my SO playing for the other team even for a little while. That would be a huge dealbreaker for me.

 

I am so sorry this happened to you but I think you need to disentangle yourself from this as soon as possible. Given what he hid from you, IMO you have grounds for an annulment.

[mark clemson]

There's no easy answers here, unfortunately. IF you decide to stick with him, he needs to earn back your trust with openness, e.g. on his phone/computer. You'll need to keep an eye on him for essentially the rest of your relationship.

 

IMO, you should ask that he get tested for STDs (I'd say this even for non-bi situations BTW) since it's impossible to know for sure that he hasn't had extra-marital sex.

 

IMO, you need to have some in-depth conversations about how important the guy-guy stuff is to him. Possibly in his eyes it "didn't count" since it's not with a woman and (possibly) there's not much emotional connection for him. But of course that's not how you see it.

[Confused606]

As soon as I found out, I went and got tested for everything. Negative results thankfully. He said he will never talk to anyone again and it’s all over because he realized how much he hurt me. We went to therapy and the therapist said everyone makes mistakes and we are all human o.O This isn’t my definition of love.

 

I can’t talk to him about it because he says we need to move on and stop dwelling in the past. None of this seems Normal or right.

[d0nnivain]

Sweeping it under the rug isn't going to help.

 

One search of this stuff may be a mistake. One drunken kiss may be a mistake.

 

He lied to you. He repeatedly & intentionally went looking for something you can never give him -- gay sex. If you are not OK with your husband being Bi-sexual you need to get out.

 

Sorry.

[Confused606]

I can deal with someone being bisexual. I can’t deal with someone lying and seeking others out.

 

Are there any faithful and loyal people left in this world?

Edited November 4, 2019 by Confused606

[d0nnivain]

I can deal with someone being bisexual. I can’t deal with someone lying and seeking others out.

 

Are there any faithful and loyal people left in this world?

 

There are faithful loyal people in the world. Your husband is just not one of them.

 

I too can deal with PEOPLE being bi-sexual. I just could not handle my husband coming out as bi-sexual. There is a difference.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Confused.

 

Your husband probably truly wants to believe he'll never do this again but with what you've discovered about him it seems to me he's pretty well established in a pattern of behavior that includes lying and cheating. It'll be very difficult for him to break these patterns even if he intends to do so.

 

You're very fortunate not to have had children with him.

 

For me, one instance of bi-sexual behavior with a bf or husband would be the end. Not punitively, I just wouldn't have to live with knowing my bf or husband had a sexual desire I couldn't provide for him.

 

If you stay with him you'll probably always be wondering about him, checking after him, and being concerned about std's.

[S2B]

Not only was he totally pursuing others - he was capable of betraying you by hiding it all.

 

He may have met with others without your knowledge.

 

I’d have a hard time knowing he was willing to lie to me and deceive me all that time.

 

Without trust and respect - you have no basis of a marriage.

 

He disrespected you by not allowing you to make decisions regarding your relationship - and putting your health at risk.

 

I’d be done. No matter how much he says he won’t do it again - it’s not who he is - he obviously has a preference for men too - so to keep him from that is like asking a frog not to jump.

[JuneGirl]

Not only did he hide things, like others said, he put your health at risk, and then when you found out he basically told you to get over it and not live in the past. That's not even close to remorse.

 

 

 

These are all huge red flags.

 

 

The trust is gone, please make plans to leave.

 

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[Confused606]

What if he actually never met up and did anything with anybody like he says?

[S2B]

What if he actually never met up and did anything with anybody like he says?

 

Wouldn’t matter. Intent is everything.

 

He still lied and deceived you.

 

He still would have been risking your health without telling you.

 

Why would anyone be on those sites if they had absolutely no intention of meeting up - especially knowing they would be risking their marriage?

 

No way he didn’t intend to meet them.

 

Either way you’re married to a liar and a cheater who doesn’t consider risking your health!

 

He broke his VOWS two months in? No can do.

 

AND he wants to sweep it under the rug? Sheez, what a total jerk! He’s not considering YOUR feelings of total betrayal!

Edited November 5, 2019 by S2B

[PegNosePete]

I can’t talk to him about it because he says we need to move on and stop dwelling in the past.

That's a huge red flag. He just wants to forget about it and not face any consequences for his actions. And that means he will probably do it again, but he will be more careful to not get caught this time.

 

Personally I would divorce him. Clearly he was lying through his teeth when he said his wedding vows. What kind of person does that make him? Someone who could treat you like that, throw your entire relationship down the drain like that, to betray in the worst way someone he only 2 months prior promised to cherish forever and forsake all others. That is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. I wouldn't want to spend one more minute with him, if it were me.

 

But if you do want to carry on with the marriage, then simply not talking about it is NOT an option. You should tell him that what he thinks you need is irrelevant. He is the one who has broken the trust. He should be bending over backwards to do what YOU need to fix it. Not making excuses and trying to avoid consequences.

[Questionmark12]

Oh sweet heart I'm so sorry this happened to you. There is another thread on LS where the woman's bf is breaking up with her to explore sex with transsexual prostitutes. I don't know what is going on. If he is talking and advertising for sex he has more than likely already had sex with men no matter what he tells you. You cannot believe him when he says he won't do it again because he has an itch you will never be able to scratch. Plus you leave yourself open to STDs. Thank goodness you found out before you had children with him. Again, please don't believe him that he won't do it again. He can't help himself because that is what he wants while using you as a beard. Did you ever suspect that he is gay?

 

 

That would be me

 

 

@TS: if you want to talk or need some support, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. We're kind of in the same boat and I do feel really sorry for you.

[Confused606]

I don’t know how he could do this. I’m still in shock, it’s like we were living a lie for 5 years. I cannot understand why he wanted to get married. I never pressured or even discussed marriage with him.

I know the smart and right thing to do would be to leave. How does one even do that though. I come home from work and he acts as though everything is normal , it’s as though nothing happened.

[Questionmark12]

I don’t know how he could do this. I’m still in shock, it’s like we were living a lie for 5 years. I cannot understand why he wanted to get married. I never pressured or even discussed marriage with him.

I know the smart and right thing to do would be to leave. How does one even do that though. I come home from work and he acts as though everything is normal , it’s as though nothing happened.

 

 

 

 

I'm so sorry for you. My ex did not hide anything from me and didn't cheat but did tell me that if he had continued the relationship he would have been tempted to cheat. He just couldn't be himself around me as he was hiding this big secret. I think in your case he may have married you to hide it from the outside world or even fool himself.

 

 

 

That's what my ex said, he loved me so much at a point that he fooled himself that he would get over his love for transsexuals. But his desire came back of course.

 

 

I would sit down together with him and tell him very clearly that he needs to tell you the truth from A to Z and answer all your questions that you have (I had millions). It's very likely that he will not have clear answers, my ex didn't even and that confused me even more.

[stillafool]

I can deal with someone being bisexual. I can’t deal with someone lying and seeking others out.

 

 

Let me understand, are you saying you are going to give him permission to go out and have sex with men when he feels the need? If not, there will be a lot of lying and seeking men behind your back.

[PegNosePete]

I don’t know how he could do this. I’m still in shock, it’s like we were living a lie for 5 years. I cannot understand why he wanted to get married. I never pressured or even discussed marriage with him.

Yeah, sometimes cheaters motivations are a mystery to us normal people. My ex wife cheated within 6 months of marriage. Why get married? I have no idea. You will never get a satisfactory answer to that, and you can't do anything about it; all you can do is control your own future.

 

I know the smart and right thing to do would be to leave. How does one even do that though. I come home from work and he acts as though everything is normal , it’s as though nothing happened.

First you go see a lawyer. Then you tell him you want a divorce, the papers are in the mail, and you hope he'll cooperate in the process and won't cause trouble.

[stillafool]

Yes there are lots of women who are beards for closet gays. Not surprising at all.

[Confused606]

I'm so sorry for you. My ex did not hide anything from me and didn't cheat but did tell me that if he had continued the relationship he would have been tempted to cheat. He just couldn't be himself around me as he was hiding this big secret. I think in your case he may have married you to hide it from the outside world or even fool himself.

 

 

 

That's what my ex said, he loved me so much at a point that he fooled himself that he would get over his love for transsexuals. But his desire came back of course.

 

 

I would sit down together with him and tell him very clearly that he needs to tell you the truth from A to Z and answer all your questions that you have (I had millions). It's very likely that he will not have clear answers, my ex didn't even and that confused me even more.

 

He is the same way. He had no clear answers as to why he posted the personal ad or did what he did. It’s so confusing. How can a person not know why they did something?!

[stillafool]

He knows exactly why he posted those ads - for sex with men. It might be painful for him to admit this to you the way I wrote it but it's quite clear why he did it.

[PegNosePete]

He had no clear answers as to why he posted the personal ad or did what he did. It’s so confusing. How can a person not know why they did something?!

He does know. What he doesn't know, is a way of telling you that will result in you not throwing him out! So he says he doesn't know...

[S2B]

He is the same way. He had no clear answers as to why he posted the personal ad or did what he did. It’s so confusing. How can a person not know why they did something?!

 

He knows exactly why. He’s just not wanting to tell you his truth!

 

And his unwillingness to be real with you about an honest discussion tells you just how unhealthy your marriage is!

 

He’s totally hurt you - and he doesn’t intend to talk about it with you. That’s unforgivable!

 

He should be willing to talk about it for the next ten years if that’s what YOU need to do! The fact that he won’t - indicated you need to divorce him. He’s never going to consider your feelings.