Author Confused606 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Share Posted November 5, 2019 Everything everyone said here makes so much sense to me. I just don’t know why this is so hard. I want to feel hatred but I can’t. Will it ever come? Would staying with him until January be a bad idea? I’m not near home, for I moved down south for his job promotion:( Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 Everything everyone said here makes so much sense to me. I just don’t know why this is so hard. I want to feel hatred but I can’t. Will it ever come? Would staying with him until January be a bad idea? I’m not near home, for I moved down south for his job promotion:( At least file for divorce now. Then get yourself set up to move in January. If an opportunity comes before then take it! It’s time for you to make decisions in YOUR best interest right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 I can’t talk to him about it because he says we need to move on and stop dwelling in the past. Of course he says this, it's SOP for every conman, embezzler and cheater out there. The real translation is "no point in discussing this as I plan on doing the same thing again". He wants you to just deal with it so he doesn't have to. Confused606, had you somehow cheated, wouldn't you move Heaven and Earth to make things right? Think about the contrast between that and "we need to move on"... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 I just don’t know why this is so hard. I want to feel hatred but I can’t. Will it ever come? Would staying with him until January be a bad idea? I’m not near home, for I moved down south for his job promotion:( Don't hate him because hate causes bitterness and that is poison for you and will prevent you from healing. Why do you need to stay until January? What is the purpose? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused606 Posted November 6, 2019 Author Share Posted November 6, 2019 Don't hate him because hate causes bitterness and that is poison for you and will prevent you from healing. Why do you need to stay until January? What is the purpose? I want to stay until January because I plan to move to a new state. I can’t do that now because I have job commitments. I honestly don’t think I’m mentally ready to leave as well. I know my marriage is broken. I know I need to leave. I’m not ready to face reality at the moment:/ Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 Well that is up to you. I will caution you again if you do stay, PLEASE make sure to use condoms with your husband and if you don't use them get tested regularly for your health. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 Better yet, if you stay until January don’t have sex with him. Protect yourself. I’m sorry, this wasn’t your plan and it takes time to get your bearings again. I hope you find the strength you need and wish you all the best as you change your course... Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 7, 2019 Share Posted November 7, 2019 I want to stay until January because I plan to move to a new state. I can’t do that now because I have job commitments This is a good practical reason to stay physically in the house. However it's not a good reason to NOT start the legal and emotional separation and divorce process; or at least see a lawyer and get genned up. Link to post Share on other sites
Berteau Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 Well I am bi curious, but only sexually and I have no emotional desire or attraction to men. It is purely sexual and comes in waves. I would not automatically consider his attraction or exploits with men to be a deal breaker or as serious as you think. I would consider it on a totally different level than cheating with a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 Well I am bi curious, but only sexually and I have no emotional desire or attraction to men. It is purely sexual and comes in waves. I would not automatically consider his attraction or exploits with men to be a deal breaker or as serious as you think. I would consider it on a totally different level than cheating with a woman. That is how YOU view it, the OP's husband may have an entirely different take on it. Whichever way HE views it, the OP cannot be expected to put up with his desire for men. Whether it is "just" for sex or not is surely immaterial. NO woman gets married expecting her man to be placing ads seeking sex with men, of course it is a huge dealbreaker. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Berteau Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 (edited) That is how YOU view it, the OP's husband may have an entirely different take on it. Whichever way HE views it, the OP cannot be expected to put up with his desire for men. Whether it is "just" for sex or not is surely immaterial. NO woman gets married expecting her man to be placing ads seeking sex with men, of course it is a huge dealbreaker. I’m just giving a different perspective that many can’t understand. I don’t know him or his details. If this was more of an extended emotional connection with these men, then that is different than me. Mine was just purely anonymous, don’t want to know the guy, just want to fulfill my occasional sexual desires. In fact, I wanted no type of connection or bond with these men. This has to be judged differently than say a true affair sexual and emotional with a female. Edited November 10, 2019 by Berteau Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 Plenty of relationships survive with an agreed bit on the side - but not with LYING. Him being bi (or gay) isn't the biggest problem. Him hiding it until after the wedding is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused606 Posted November 11, 2019 Author Share Posted November 11, 2019 I’m just giving a different perspective that many can’t understand. I don’t know him or his details. If this was more of an extended emotional connection with these men, then that is different than me. Mine was just purely anonymous, don’t want to know the guy, just want to fulfill my occasional sexual desires. In fact, I wanted no type of connection or bond with these men. This has to be judged differently than say a true affair sexual and emotional with a female. Thank you for your perspective. It’s interesting to see how you view it. He sounds exactly like you actually. He doesn’t want a divorce but I’m still confused. He says he won’t ever do anything like this again and that it’s all over. Do you tell the girls you’re with that your bicurious? If you’re in a relationship would you act on your sexual desire for men? Could you suppress your desire for men if you had to? Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 This has to be judged differently than say a true affair sexual and emotional with a female. Has to be? Nope, complete BS and wishful thinking on your part. She married the guy believing he was straight and that they would have a trusting, monogamous relationship. In fact, many might view it as much worse. And that's not even considering the health risks involved. If it were me, I'd seek an annulment and be done with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 Mine was just purely anonymous, don’t want to know the guy, just want to fulfill my occasional sexual desires. No different than the straight guy who wants an occasional female piece on the side. There is no "same sex" exemption to monogamy. Confused606, this isn't an issue of sexuality, it's one of trust. And he couldn't make it through the first 90 days of marriage without planning on stepping out. Unless you'll be sleeping with one eye open for the rest of your relationship, I'd end it and move on... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Berteau Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 Thank you for your perspective. It’s interesting to see how you view it. He sounds exactly like you actually. He doesn’t want a divorce but I’m still confused. He says he won’t ever do anything like this again and that it’s all over. Do you tell the girls you’re with that your bicurious? If you’re in a relationship would you act on your sexual desire for men? Could you suppress your desire for men if you had to? NO! I would never tell anyone I’m bi-curious. Like I said, I still had these desires and have acted on them occasionally while in a relationship, but don’t think I would if I was married. I could suppress them if I had to, but everyone has different levels of desire. It’s nothing uncontrollable for me. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 I’m just giving a different perspective that many can’t understand. I don’t know him or his details. If this was more of an extended emotional connection with these men, then that is different than me. Mine was just purely anonymous, don’t want to know the guy, just want to fulfill my occasional sexual desires. In fact, I wanted no type of connection or bond with these men. This has to be judged differently than say a true affair sexual and emotional with a female. Whether or not there was an emotional connection he cheated on his wife and betrayed her trust along with the vows he made her. In fact, he's been betraying her the entire time by lying about something as core to him as a person and their relationship as his sexuality. Also, for most women, "it meant nothing" is actually worse. "It meant nothing" means that the cheating partner was willing to betray the love and trust of the faithful partner, risk their health, and risk destroying their entire relationship and lives together for something completely meaningless. NO! I would never tell anyone I’m bi-curious. Like I said, I still had these desires and have acted on them occasionally while in a relationship, but don’t think I would if I was married. I could suppress them if I had to, but everyone has different levels of desire. It’s nothing uncontrollable for me. You've acted on your desire for same-sex sex. You aren't "bi curious". You've acted. You're just bi. Nothing wrong with that. Own it. As a woman married to a bi man let me give you some real relationship advice. Don't marry a woman you can't tell that you're bi. It's part of you. Your experiences with men are also part of you. If you can't share your deep self, the core of who you are, with your partner then you aren't with the right partner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 OP was deceived. She thought she was marrying a heterosexual man but was tricked into marrying a guy who wants sex with men. Not fair and not good. I would be furious. He is playing with her life. Most women wouldn't want to have kids with him. I don't believe his desire for sex with men can be suppressed. She cannot fulfill his desires or compete with what men do to each other in sex. I watched my aunt's frustration being married to a man who likes sex with men and she was jealous of any good looking guy that came near him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 The red herring is the sex. What you should really worry about is HIV. A broken heart is recoverable but early death is not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 There is a lot here he didn't tell you about. You would be justified in ending your marriage because of the lies and deception. Knowing whether or not your partner is bi-sexual is essential. Neither party can hide something like that and it is not fair to do so. He is always going to be hankering after guys even if he does his best to stay faithful to you. He has a life you have only just seen and if he can hide that much of himself, he could hide more. You don't know if he's met these guys, had sex with them, or is planning to. It is one thing to decide you love him and want to stay with him if he is bisexual. It is quite another to be asked to trust someone who has lied about his sexuality and what he is doing online. I am so sorry you have been put in this position. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 Does he have a job that would require him to have a heterosexual marriage? Or does he have a job where no one judges and it wouldn’t matter what sexual preference/partner he had? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 He has a life you have only just seen and if he can hide that much of himself, he could hide more. You don't know if he's met these guys, had sex with them, or is planning to. I think it's pretty telling he couldn't stay on track and focused on marriage for even the first 90 days. Confused606, this is who he is. Any plans need to be made accordingly... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused606 Posted November 26, 2019 Author Share Posted November 26, 2019 Does he have a job that would require him to have a heterosexual marriage? Or does he have a job where no one judges and it wouldn’t matter what sexual preference/partner he had? No, he’s in outside sales. A job where you can be anywhere at anytime. He has a not so nice family though that would definitely judge. Although, they don’t like me either. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 26, 2019 Share Posted November 26, 2019 Well I am bi curious, but only sexually and I have no emotional desire or attraction to men. It is purely sexual and comes in waves. I would not automatically consider his attraction or exploits with men to be a deal breaker or as serious as you think. I would consider it on a totally different level than cheating with a woman. Many, if not most, people view sexual activity with anyone other than their partner as being a huge and serious problem whether there's an emotional connection or not. Add to that same sex attraction just adds another layer of difficulty to the equation being as OP is not able to provide that aspect to her husband and this situation becomes serious. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted November 26, 2019 Share Posted November 26, 2019 I'm sorry you are going through this, Confused. I hope you are able to relocate in January and file for a divorce (not necessarily in that order.) For him to say it's time to move past it is a cop out. He does not want to face the enormity of what he did to you. He also doesn't realize the worst betrayal was not the seeking of men for sex, but the lying for all those years. I wish you peace. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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