Long distance relationship

[Hornet225]

I’m a 31 year old male and have been in a long distance relationship for 3 years everything was going fine until last week. On last week my gf asked me if I would fight for her if another guy was giving her attention and I said that it depends on if she wanted attention from the other guy, I stated that if it was wanted attention then I wouldn’t and I would instead not fight for her and move on. But if I was unwanted attention I would definitely fight for her, she didn’t like my answer. Every since then she has been acting distant and I asked her this morning if she was cheating on me, she got really upset and said I’m always jumping to conclusions and that I never trusted her. What should I do?

Edited November 4, 2019 by Hornet225

[d0nnivain]

When can you see her in person again? Revisit the conversation then. Acknowledge that you are jealous because this other guy giving her attention is there & you're not.

 

Just be aware that the attention she's getting is not all that unwelcome. She's using him to test you.

[BaileyB]

Oh yeah, she is enjoying the attention of another man and she is definitely testing you, no doubt disappointed that she is not able to enjoy the attention you will offer when you “fight” to keep her.

 

Here’s the thing - a mature woman who truly loves you wouldn’t play these kinds of games. She would respect your loyalty and your relationship and she wouldn’t play these kinds of games.

 

What to do - it’s time to have a long talk. You were wise not to play into her trap - tell her again that you believe she is cheating and that if there is another man, she is welcome to have him. You deserve a woman who loves you and honours you with her trust, loyalty, and fidelity. This woman may not be the one...

[carhill]

As a young man I would have engaged her and talked it out. Today, get a sht test like that and click, dump, move on. That's juvenile stuff.

[chillii]

Hell yeah , know what your sayin man.

[rjc149]

It's not clear if she's already hooked up with him. Maybe, maybe not. At least she's telling you about it.

 

She is using this to inject uncertainty and anxiety into you, and thereby allowing her more control over the relationship. It's manipulative and narcissistic. But unfortunately, common in modern relationships.

 

And don't kid yourself, she likes the attention from the other guy, and she'll love it if you fought for her. It would make her feel very desirable.

 

You need to be willing to walk away from bullsh-t deals. She's acting distant because she's either pouting about your answer, or she's already started seeing this guy. Either way, hold your ground. This is the most attractive thing you can do at this point.

 

"Look, if you enjoy the attention from him, and he is offering you something that I can't offer, then go with him. There's nothing I can do about it. I don't want this to end, but I'll get over it and move on. Let me know."

 

Don't be a pawn in her game, don't be used as leverage for her own validation. Your attitude needs to be "He can have her. I can find another girl."

 

And dude, 3 years in an LDR? I'm not sure how you didn't see this coming.

Edited November 7, 2019 by rjc149

[Foxhall]

Yes its hard to beat the rapport and chemistry that builds up between two people in person, a long distance relationship for three years sounds like too long.

 

Id be seeking alternative options closer to home if I was you buddy.

[scooby-philly]

Someone who truly loves you and is capable of being mature and emotionally healthy wouldn't play games. Most people end up with some sort of scarring or psychological issue from growing up - life isn't easy - even if it seems that way on the exterior when you look at someone. But...healthy and happy adults learn what those scars are, try to heal them, and are upfront and honest with a partner about them.

 

At 3 years an LDR should have a plan to turn it into NOT an LDR. Most self-respecting women wouldn't let it go that long without forcing their man into a commitment and game plan to change the situation!

 

As several people have said/hinted - I think the question for you is - what are you getting out of this relationship and what's holding you back from leaving?