Openness?

[Lerxst]

Hi everyone. Before I post any details later on, I was wondering how people on here felt about mutually beneficial and consensual open relationships? The types that involve two very committed, dedicated partners, but includes an occasional "friend" on the side that both parties are aware of?

[DKT3]

If everything is mutually agreed on, then whatever works. Be mindful of the possible pitfalls because there will absolutely be a few.

[RecentChange]

I think they often sound good in theory but are extremely difficult to execute well.

 

Some couples do pull it off. They have to be excellent communicators, extremely honest and vulnerable to each other. Spend time discussing expectations and rules etc - and then absolutely stick to them.

 

I would say both would have to be very good at compartmentalizing their emotions.

 

Years ago my husband and I considered it. For us, talking to, sharing video etc with other couples ended up being more than enough for us rather than taking the plunge.

 

And what was even more eye opening is how many of those "open" relationships failed or encounter serious drama in a fairly short amount of time.

 

It was clear that many couples that were open - weren't really prepared for it, nor the consequences and it seriously damaged the relationship (if not ending it).

 

Take a long hard look at WHY you want this, and explore how the consequences would be handled.

[stillafool]

Hey no sweat off my back. I think it's fine what grown people do in their private life. It's what they think of the situation that matters.

[d0nnivain]

Whatever consenting adults want to do that is fine with me.

 

I would never consent to such an arrangement in my life. If we're together, we're exclusive. If we are just FWB, that's OK but you can't be both.

[DKT3]

I think they often sound good in theory but are extremely difficult to execute well.

 

Some couples do pull it off. They have to be excellent communicators, extremely honest and vulnerable to each other. Spend time discussing expectations and rules etc - and then absolutely stick to them.

.

I believe that the difficulty come from one person wanting too and the other going along. I've heard that when two people are already in that lifestyle before entering their marriage it works far more often. Changing the rules in an established marriage will most likely fail.

[Lerxst]

Well, I can give you some more insight to help a bit.

 

I'm in my 40's after a 20 year marriage (ended amicably). My wife and I explored the lifestyle at the start and when it worked, it was very liberating experience and we had a blast.

 

I have a girlfriend now. We've known each other for over a year. We are both extremely open and dedicated with each other, more so than my wife and I ever were, even when we started. If I went into every details about us, people probably wouldn't believe any of it. Suffice to say, it took nearly biblical events events for us to end up where we're at.

 

One thing we both agree on is that monogamy and the whole premise of it, has created more harm than good in both of our lives. That constant pressure that there was only ever going to be one other person forever, and denying there could ever be any outside attraction at any point, both make us sick to our stomachs.

 

As for opening the relationship up, it's something we agree wholeheartedly on, even though we don't really have any immediate desire for another person yet. When it worked in the past, it was a person who was already a friend that knew they were our "guest" in the situation and grateful for whatever portion we would share of each other. And at the end of the day, they were still our friend and we were always the couple which is why it worked.

 

What I've seen a lot of online though more and more, are people who think that a "swinging couple" are essentially 2 people who go off and have romantic partnerships without the other. I can't condone that. For me, its more about the physical pleasure with another person we feel safe (as in respecting our relationship) with. And if it matters, I've always been the more "generous" partner that gets enjoyment out of knowing my partner is satisfied.

 

Is there anyone out there that has been active in this lifestyle for a while since I was away from it?

[DKT3]

Maybe I'm wrong, but when I think swinger 8 think it as something that the couple does together. As opposed to open which I view as people in committed relationships having something completely separate from the primary relationship. I believe that the latter is far more dangerous to the relationship.

[mark clemson]

This isn't such a great site for researching this kind of thing IMO. Although many of the regular posters here are GREAT, only a few I think have experience with this (I'm not one). The advice to be cautious is, I think, solid, but I suspect you already knew that.

 

It sounds like you're looking for what's now known as a throuple situation (or perhaps a series of temporary ones). I'd suggest you return to the online research and wade past the "swinger" stuff to get to the kind of info that aligns more to what you're looking for.

 

I'm certain there are sites dedicated to polyamory although the main one I know about I'm not supposed to link to here (as it's a commercial site). If you look around enough, I'd put money on you being able to find an advice forum specifically for polyamory similar to this one (or at least a section in one that's dedicated to polyamory).

[central]

I have a girlfriend now. We've known each other for over a year. We are both extremely open and dedicated with each other, more so than my wife and I ever were, even when we started. If I went into every details about us, people probably wouldn't believe any of it. Suffice to say, it took nearly biblical events events for us to end up where we're at.

 

One thing we both agree on is that monogamy and the whole premise of it, has created more harm than good in both of our lives. That constant pressure that there was only ever going to be one other person forever, and denying there could ever be any outside attraction at any point, both make us sick to our stomachs.

 

As for opening the relationship up, it's something we agree wholeheartedly on, even though we don't really have any immediate desire for another person yet. When it worked in the past, it was a person who was already a friend that knew they were our "guest" in the situation and grateful for whatever portion we would share of each other. And at the end of the day, they were still our friend and we were always the couple which is why it worked.

 

Your experience sounds like it is paralleling our own to some degree. We met 20 years ago after ending bad first marriages (which were monogamous). We soon learned we both had a polyamorous view of relationships, and had no need for monogamy - as long as we agreed to the parameters and constraints of how we'd pursue this. Within a few months we were dating others, separately, but would all get together for major events and holidays.

 

Eventually we had to move away, and then decided we'd explore swinging together as a couple, since we hadn't met any poly candidates in our new location. We had a blast with that for many years! And met some people with whom we had long-term but casual relationships (more like FWB, with emphasis on the friend part), but moving towards poly. We'd see those people separately most of the time, but sometimes together as well.

 

After 20 years, this still works for us. Ideally, we'll find another lasting poly relationship, but are okay with various other forms of ethical non-monogamy, from swinging to open to FWB.

 

The key to this working is not only a shared attitude, but devotion to each other, transparency, and great communication. Our relationship comes first.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Whatever floats your boat. I too am fine with it. What two consenting adults do behind closed doors is none of my business. It's not something I would consent to in my personal relationships but to each their own.

 

I also agree that there are a LOT of newbies who fall in love with the idea of this kind of arrangement but can't actually handle the emotional ramifications of it in the end. The most successful relationships are ones who are transparent and communicative.

 

Contrary to popular belief, there are 'rules' to this type of lifestyle, particularly if you want to navigate it successfully with someone you love.

 

It's definitely not for everyone.

[Lerxst]

Your experience sounds like it is paralleling our own to some degree. We met 20 years ago after ending bad first marriages (which were monogamous). We soon learned we both had a polyamorous view of relationships, and had no need for monogamy - as long as we agreed to the parameters and constraints of how we'd pursue this. Within a few months we were dating others, separately, but would all get together for major events and holidays.

 

Eventually we had to move away, and then decided we'd explore swinging together as a couple, since we hadn't met any poly candidates in our new location. We had a blast with that for many years! And met some people with whom we had long-term but casual relationships (more like FWB, with emphasis on the friend part), but moving towards poly. We'd see those people separately most of the time, but sometimes together as well.

 

After 20 years, this still works for us. Ideally, we'll find another lasting poly relationship, but are okay with various other forms of ethical non-monogamy, from swinging to open to FWB.

 

The key to this working is not only a shared attitude, but devotion to each other, transparency, and great communication. Our relationship comes first.

 

Sounds pretty close. Though personally, I think we'd both be rather disappointed in an actual poly relationship.

 

The "FWB" aspect though, is what we're primarily looking at, we we're very open, transparent and clear with each other and everyone else. A couple people have already been driven away by the idea that we're not interested in casual strangers or illicit affairs, and their needing to meet and get along with both of us before committing to anything.

[Baman]

One of the reasons you will seldom find examples of successful open relationships is that people generally do not share that information with family and friends, and don't go on open to the public forums to spread the word.

That means you are left with mostly the negative experiences as in gossip "oh... did you hear about Bert and Nancy? They're getting a divorce... not surprised, it came out they had an open marriage and Bert left her for his lover"... Or opinions from people who have never tried it, on how it's just courting disaster.

If you identify as open on a forum you will no doubt get the '' It wont last... just wait... it wont work soon... risk of falling in love with someone else... high failure rate...your marriage is in trouble...    When in fact, those are the very things that exist in closed marriage as well. 

And because most couples keep it a secret you generally wont hear : ''Did you hear about Bert and Nancy? Apparently they have been in an open relationship for 35 years and are so happy"...

What the proponants of monogamy often choose to gloss over is the abismal failure rate of those 'closed' relationships for the very same reason fingers are pointed at the 'open'. ''Bert left Nancy for another woman''. It is a weird world where affairs are more accepted and forgivable than people being in an ethical non monogamous relationship. Have an affair and get caught you get shamed, admit to being open and people run from you like you are disgusting and a threat to their relationship somehow.

Somehow in monogamous relationships the blame is laid on the individual rather then the monogamous model but in open relationships the blame is placed on the open model and not the individual. Those in monogamous relationships would never tolerate finger pointing at the ''closed'' marriage as blame for failure yet those in ''open'' marriages do get the finger pointing because of the model.

Non monogamy isn't better then monogamy...neither are the best or the only real relationship.

 

[schlumpy]

A successful marriage demands stability. An open relationship does not provide that. It does provide a "relief valve" for one or both participants to sate feelings that are not being met within the marriage allowing them to stay "married."