Is my mom emotionally abusive? Has anyone ever dealt with similar things?

[burritosntacos]

For context, I am a 22F, and am in grad school but live with my parents (and mom) at home. I just want to know if anyone else has had similar experiences with parents (especially mothers).

 

1. My mom dealt with her anger at me with destructive behaviors. When my mom was mad at me when I was younger (ages 10-14), she would go into my room and break or knock over the things she knew were most valuable to me. There were multiple times when I would come home from school and see that all of my dance trophies (I was a competitive dancer all my life) were knocked off their shelf onto the floor (sometimes broken).

 

2. My mom is consistently manipulative. Whenever she needs to win an argument, she pulls the "how can you be so ungrateful after everything I've done for you. I gave up so much of my life for you" card. She did do a lot for me but she consistently uses this as a crutch to guilt me into doing what she wants. She also constantly says "If you loved me, you would do this or do that"

 

3. My mom is extremely passive aggressive. She never tells me exactly what's wrong but instead, she always makes little jabs at me to make me feel bad. For example, I will come home after a night out with my boyfriend to a note on my desk that says "go live with your boyfriend if you like spending so much time with him" and all I did was spend a Saturday night at his place. She will say things like "You clearly don't care about me if you're spending your time with other people so get out of this house and go live with them" and that anytime I leave the house to have fun with friends that I am "abandoning the family".

 

4. My mom consistently invalidates my emotions. My feelings are invalid in comparison to hers. If I am crying in my room, my mom will come in to tell me to "stop crying, you have nothing to cry about. Look at how many problems I have" and leave.

 

5. My mom has always tried to and still does try to make decisions for me by convincing me that she is right and I'm wrong. Most of the time, she says that is if for me own good or that she knows what's best for me. She implies that I can't be trusted to exercise good judgement and that I will fail without her help.

 

6. I have a 14 year old brother and my mom disregards his age and treats my brother like a peer. We have many illnesses in the family which cause a lot of stress and she talks to him as if he is an adult friend about things like DNRs, cancer, life and death, and lays all of her emotional needs on him. He is 14 and is expected to console her and act like an adult. I feel extremely bad for him. She then takes pride in saying "he is so mature so I can tell him all this" when in reality, I can see that he is often troubled by all of these conversations and she doesn't see it.

 

7. My mom thinks I have no standards and that I'm incapable of making smart choices. She has told me "you are always the one being picked by guys, and never the other way around" implying that I settle for everyone that has ever looked at me.

 

8. My mom is extremely judgmental and thinks she knows everything there is to know about someone without ever meeting them. My mom has never liked any of my boyfriends simply because they are older, or of a different race or culture and constantly belittles me for choosing "wrong" and "making mistakes"

 

9. My mom rarely ever asks me about my life (classes, friends, dance etc). There has always been some kind of bigger issue in her own life that took priority. She almost never tells me she loves me or she is proud of me.

 

Has anyone else dealt with similar things? What should I do?

[d0nnivain]

Your mother definitely has issues.

 

When you can afford to move out, do so. Once you have your own place it will be easier & more effective to enforce boundaries.

[preraph]

Yeah, she's not Mother of the Year. And you are 22 and it's time to be saving money to move out. Get your education, but work a small weekend job while you do it and you can earn $5000 a year doing that, enough to get yourself a roommate and little apartment.

 

It is normal to reject your parents' parenting once you reach young adulthood and it's that in between stage that is the roughest. That's why it's important to get out as soon as you can without shooting yourself in the foot.

 

Once you get out and on your own (don't move in with another family member) you will feel so much better being out from under that negative influence and you'll regain some of the confidence and self-worth that she has taken from you once you're supporting yourself and making your own decisions. I promise.

[Ruby Slippers]

She has major issues.

 

I've heard great things about the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud.

 

I agree that the sooner you can move out on your own, the better.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I am so sorry for what you've been through, and are going through, with your mom, burritosntacos.

 

Your future will soon change in a huge way when you move out, though. Although you notice your mom's issues and they're a burden to you, when you move out I would bet you'll be amazed how wonderful life can be!

 

The future looks very bright for you! I can imagine your brother will enjoy visiting in your home, also, when you move out!

[MsJayne]

Yes, I have dealt with very similar, and yes, your mother is extremely emotionally abusive. I suggest talking to a qualified professional about this as it sounds like NPD, (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), but it's extremely important to get that qualified opinion. They have quite specific behaviours and what you've described sounds very text book. I cannot stress enough how important it is that you get outside support, for both you and your brother, as the long-term effects of living with one of these nutters can be disastrous. If you reference 'Maternal Narcissism' online you will find an enormous amount of information, and if you recognise your family dynamics in there, please get outside help. Perhaps if there's a counselor at your college, (?), it could be a starting point. Important to understand that, if this is what's wrong, there is no point discussing it with your mother.

[BettyDraper]

I have a mother similar to yours. The difference is my mother's words were more vicious and she loved to beat me as well. I moved out when I was close to your age.

 

I'm in my late thirties now. I tried to lessen the amount of contact I had with my mom but she refused to respect my boundaries. She complained to anyone who would listen about how I don't call or visit. My mother also had her friends and other family members confront me. When the insults and unprovoked rants from my mother increased, I cut her off completely because she has always been toxic and I don't need her negative energy.

 

It's time for you to get your own place and speak to your mother as little as possible.

I'm not saying that you need to cut off your mother completely. It's just that a little distance could be very helpful. Expect your mother to become more malevolent or sweet in a fake manner because narcissists hate to lose control. Your mother is not treating you like an adult and her behavior is completely inappropriate.

[todreaminblue]

im sorry that your mum has treated you the way she has....

 

my step dad used to emotionally abuse me ...i used to get punished a lot....im fifty now and i havent spoken to my step dad in a long time....what i want to say is ....i wish i could see him...and everything be ok and he love me like i always loved him...but it wont happen....i used to say maybe one day...and i would day dream about it....i dont anymore....i do write some sad poetry though...

 

i have forgiven my dad for his cruelty towards me,i wrote him a letter i never sent...more just for me....maybe you can do that letter you never send about your mum and to your mum just for peace of mind on your own...put it all on paper ...black and white clarity

 

.... all i ever wanted was my fathers love.....maybe deep down ...thats what you really want to have from your mum...love and acceptance....

 

 

 

...i feel for you to move on and out.....you need to work on forgiving your mum for all her ways......and try to concentrate on good ways that she has shown you....are there any good times?

 

living under the same roof as your parents as an adult is hard....i have some of my adult kids with me too...

 

 

when you become an adult you need that independence to become who you will be...to grow and experience life all the good and the bad and find your own path away from your parents and towards your own person expression of what life will be.... .

 

as an adult parent it can be extremely hard to navigate and remain sane for all involved with adult children who rely on you one day and the next day they decide you are overstepping....

 

i feel you...i understand and know abuse emotional and physical....its time for you to leave the nest.....and it will be time in the future ...for you to maybe try and work with your mum on repairing the hurt that her treatment of you has left you with....you know that hurt people hurt people closest to them....is your mum hurting...maybe something she is dealing with that is too much for her...any financial stressors...emotional breakdown ...grief.........

 

and how does your dad treat you?...

 

wishing you the best..deb

Edited November 9, 2019 by todreaminblue