I'm worried about him texting his ex

[OVO07]

I've been with boyfriend 3 years and we live together. We have a happy relationship but I'm concerned. :(I was using the laptop and loaded Facebook, bf was logged in and as I was about to log out a msg popped up from a woman. I have never ever snooped before and maybe I shouldn't have! But I did. I read the msgs from the start. They are dating back a week. I thought it's maybe his ex because of the same first name.

 

She gets in contact with him saying he's on her mind. He replies within like 15 mins. Very welcoming to her. They just say hello basically. Now I would have absolutely no problem if left there. But then after a couple of days HE initiates conversation with HER. Why? It's general chit chat but it's carried on into the next day, so yet another day on and off texting. There's plenty of times either one of them could stop the conversation, but it's kept going. The first few days wasn't as much texting but the last few days I counted 40,50,60 msgs!!!

 

Honestly? The whole conversations could be explained away as innocent I GUESS. There's nothing dirty or I love you or anything. But I feel like an affectionate and slightly flirty vibe, unless I'm just being paranoid??? But to me it's almost like the start of when you talk to a dating interest, with a few bits of nostalgia thrown in!!!

 

She makes a joke about him buying her something (it's just an everyday object) and he asks what's in it for him. She says anything you want and he sends the "hmm" or "thinking" emoji.

 

They pretend to give each other gifts. she asks what's her next surprise gift (the gifts are imaginary ) and he's all like ohhh it's a secret!!!

 

One evening he was sending her music videos. They have the same music taste apparently (mines mostly different) and it really seems like he enjoyed talking about music with her, and I get the impression they used to bond over it because she mentions bands they watched live together.

 

She makes little comments which to a woman is OBVIOUS she isn't over him. Maybe to men it isn't so obvious idk. But like she talked about how something he once did for her made her dream come true. She sent him a kiss emoji. Called him "boy" which I feel is intimate. To be fair on my bf, he didn't really react much to it. He didn't send a kiss back or anything and hasn't called her pet names.

 

They were talking about drinking and she says she gets drunk easily. That she can't be responsible for her actions if she have too many. And he says "yeah blame it on the alcohol" in my paranoid mind, it's code for we could get drunk and bang and it's not our fault.

 

She asked him where he was when he said she was drinking. He said at home and she said "damn" ???

 

They have text at like 11-12 at night!!! She asked where I am one night and he tells her upstairs. So she knows about me and I don't even know how she knows, because it's not visible on his fb!!!

 

I'm really in two minds about all this. On one hand it's really not been sexual, he hasn't sent her things like kisses back, he is the kindest guy I know (I know I know) and he hates confrontation. He felt bad for breaking her heart back then. Could it just be a case of that??? Or he genuinely just likes her conversation and being a bit dumb???

 

On the other hand, why does he keep the conversation going and going? Why has he initiated? Why the affectionate"gift giving" or again is it just out of feeling guilt STILL??? (It's been YEARS) Why does he need to talk to her, like they talk basically daily but when they didn't for a day he initiates the next. So she's gotta be on his mind then right???

 

I'm going to be honest here, she is pretty and much prettier than me I'm not even saying that to put myself down. But it is factual and I'm sure maybe a factor of him entertaining her.

 

I've not said anything because I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I've screenshot everything though just in case. Does it seem like I have a reason to be concerned???

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not be comfortable with this. In my point of view, yes, you have a reason to be concerned.

 

It's not just a friendly catch-up and left at that. Plenty of exes drop each other a line once in a while and that's all there is to it. However, he is skating a very fine line here between "innocent" and not innocent, and while he hasn't said anything overtly inappropriate, he is also not laying down boundaries and he is participating in something he surely knows is a slippery slope.

 

The question now is what to do about it. Are you willing to admit to him that you saw this? What happens if you tell him what you know and he denies any nefarious intent, claiming they're just friends? What would you like to see happen?

[OVO07]

Thanks for your reply. Does it seem like he has feelings for her??? What should I be concerned about? He would leave me for her or just possibly want sex??? I'm still not sure what to think

 

I could just tell him the truth. But I don't want to seem like a snoopy nag. I would want him to cut contact. but a part of me wants to not even say anything and see how far he will take things. I'm still not sure if his intentions are innocent idk.

 

He left her because SHE wasn't treating HIM great , but he admitted he was really guilty for it because she was heartbroken. It's just weird he wants to speak to her then

Edited November 5, 2019 by OVO07

[stillafool]

Yes he still cares about her that much is clear. The longer you wait to reveal what you have found the closer they are going to get. Admit you snooped and ask him what this is all about. What are you afraid of?

[d0nnivain]

You need to talk to him about what you found / read. It is too much. You didn't set out to snoop. He's still gonna blow a gasket but you can't let that side track you from this discussion.

[Mr. Lucky]

Does it seem like I have a reason to be concerned???

 

You do but I doubt it has much to do with her.

 

He simply seems like one of those guys who needs outside validation. He could have said hello, caught up with her and then cut this off, but his willingness to participate and keep it going speaks volumes. And while I'm sure you're attentive to his needs, it will probably never be enough.

 

Not great relationship material ...

 

So she knows about me and I don't even know how she knows, because it's not visible on his fb!!!

 

Why not?

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited November 5, 2019 by Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

The first few days wasn't as much texting but the last few days I counted 40,50,60 msgs!!!

 

They have text at like 11-12 at night!!!

 

They were talking about drinking and she says she gets drunk easily. That she can't be responsible for her actions if she have too many. And he says "yeah blame it on the alcohol"

 

...they talk basically daily but when they didn't for a day he initiates the next.

 

Yeah, this is an EA. The fact is that it's been hidden from you and has gone in a suggestive direction on her side. He never texted "sorry that'll never happen" or anything back to her, to establish some kind of boundary, did he?

 

It makes total sense that it bothers you. As an exclusive GF you have every right to insist that it stop completely. If you decide to end things over this, really that's your choice.

 

 

They pretend to give each other gifts. she asks what's her next surprise gift (the gifts are imaginary ) and he's all like ohhh it's a secret!!!

 

In a different context this would be kinda cute. Oh well.

[Starswillshine]

You need to him about it. Tell him exactly what you said here. You opened up the computer and a message popped up and you looked.

 

I think if he throws a fit about that, then you should really question this relationship. While I agree everyone is entitled to privacy, you should also be comfortable with your SO reading things.

 

Explain to him you are not comfortable with that level of discussion and frequency. That is crosses your lines and you would appreciate it if he discontinues. He may very well respect it and completely discontinue when he realizes that it makes you uncomfortable. If he doesnt or puts up a fight defending himself and the conversations, then you know what you need to know.

 

As far as feelings, I wouldnt say that he necessarily has feelings for her, he could just be bored and the conversation is entertaining. However, that doesnt mean that he does not either.

 

First step... communicate and watch his actions and response. And ftr, even if it is perfect, doesnt truly mean he will stop when he says he will and is apologetic for making you uncomfortable. Unfortunately, I have an ex husband who was perfect at making you believe him.

[Buffer]

Yes I feel you have every right to feel uncomfortable about the contact.

How is the communication between you two? If it is good then talk all issues through, keeping it civil. If you feel he is not listening or understanding your view point. Then rephrase the statement in a quite tone so he has to listen.

 

Good luck

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for your reply. Does it seem like he has feelings for her??? What should I be concerned about? He would leave me for her or just possibly want sex??? I'm still not sure what to think

 

Only he could tell you that, OP.

 

The bottom line is that he’s not behaving in a way that protects the integrity of your relationship. That’s never a good sign.

 

You really need to sit down and talk. I would show him whatever screenshots you have and calmly ask him to explain what is going on. Be clear that you are hurt and disappointed. Don’t not let him derail the conversation by getting angry at snooping. That pales in comparison to the behaviour he is engaging in.

[schlumpy]

Do you see yourself married to this guy or having children with him? Then you have to make bid to put a stop to it. Force him to make choice now. Much better on your terms then his.

 

If this is just the current relationship with many more in the foreseeable future then play it out until it looks like he's going to bolt and then dump him before he gives you the "bad" news.

[OVO07]

Yes he still cares about her that much is clear.

 

What made you think that, I'd love to know.

 

Why not?

 

He has everything locked down on private to the public. They aren't fb friends for some reason.

 

Yeah, this is an EA

Isn't an EA when you're in love with someone else??? Isn't that a reach with these texts? What made you think it's an EA please???

 

What also stood out is how he seemed to want any excuse to initiate. Like asking her if she got any Halloween candy. She's a grown woman, what am I missing!?

[OVO07]

play it out until it looks like he's going to bolt and then dump him before he gives you the "bad" news.

 

Does that mean you think he wants to leave me???

[mark clemson]

Isn't an EA when you're in love with someone else??? Isn't that a reach with these texts? What made you think it's an EA please???

 

What also stood out is how he seemed to want any excuse to initiate...

 

 

EA means emotional affair. He doesn't have to be "fully in love" but he has (significant) feelings for another, outside of your relationship.

 

The any excuse to initiate and frequency of texting indicate this - he's reinforced by contact with her. There are romantic feelings at some level, or else he's be contacting her much less frequently like a regular friend. He doesn't text any male friends 40 times a day I assume. The fact that he's hiding it from you is also significant as to indicating an (emotional) affair.

 

The fact that there is no sexting yet is positive, but I would assume it's a matter of time. I could be wrong as it's an Ex so they have indeed been there/done that already.

 

It's possible that this would fizzle out on its own. However, IMO it's clear there are feelings/need for validation that go beyond just casual flirting and significantly beyond simple friendship here. Perhaps understandable in a way as it's an Ex, but is this really something you will tolerate in a BF???

[schlumpy]

Does that mean you think he wants to leave me???

 

Is that the standard you are using? He can do anything he wants including not respecting our relationship as long as he doesn't leave me?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, at the end of the day, you don't need a verdict from us to decide how you feel.

 

You are clearly not okay with this. That is what matters.

 

You can poll us for opinions all you want, but you won't really get answers until you talk to him. We don't know him and cannot tell you with certainty what is going on here. You need to speak to him.

[pepperbird]

op,

it can be really easy for someone to cross boundaries and start an EA, often without even really realizing it.

 

In your shoes, I would sit your SO down and tell him what you found. Explain to him that it bothers you and why, and give him a chance to share his side. If you feel he's being honest and dials back the contact, great.

 

if he refuses to listen, gets angry at you for "snooping", defends his behavior in an angry way, tries to gaslight you ( "how could you not trust me? you horrible, horrible person") or refuses to stop the contact, you may well have a problem on your hands, and it's not going to go away any time soon.

[Is that all there is]

I'm going to be honest here, she is pretty and much prettier than me I'm not even saying that to put myself down. But it is factual and I'm sure maybe a factor of him entertaining her.

Of all the things you said, I reacted more to this than anything. Please do not go there--feeling bad about yourself because he is being completely callous and cruel. This is NOT a reason to excuse him.

 

 

If he's in a relationship with you for that long, he's clearly decided that you have important qualities that endear you to him.

[Crazelnut]

Yes, that was flirty. Yes, you have a reason to be concerned.

 

But why are you so concerned about whether he's going to leave you? If he's interested in and flirting with another woman, that is a betrayal. Deal with that. Are you willing to tolerate him flirting with another woman, just so he doesn't leave you? Please don't accept being disrespected just for sake of keeping a man.