wife focuses on her messed up abusive bloodfamily. ignores her loving inlaws/husband

[vivatgrendel]

my wife and i have been together for 5 years. married for 1 year. her mother is a cruel alcoholic drug addict. her father was a cocaine dealer/heroin addict who died when she was 18 (he had already abandoned her when she was 4 for a new girlfriend/3 new daughters.

 

my wife has let her 2 female cousins ruin her life. 1 used her name to leae a car and then never paid for the car or its insurance. the other cousin who lived 5 minutes away from her would refuse to pick her up in her car because "she (my wife) wasin the opposite direction she (her cousin) was driving in.

 

meanwhile, my mother and father have not only done nothing but adore her, let us marry in their backyard (and pay for the caterer), but my wife does nothing but worship her 2 cousins who not only treat me like ****, but also don't invite my wife (their cousin) to their little get togethers.

 

we recently moved from nyc to westchester so my wife could be closer to her one cousin who now lives next door to us. her cousin still refuses to let my wife come over for coffee/watch tv, but is the first to call us when she needs someone to watch her dog or babysit her child.

 

her other cousin who lives in the worst neighborhood on longisland only calls us when she too wants us to watch her dog. otherwise she stays home with her physically and emotionally abusive boyfriend who is supposedly a millionaire but then she (wife's cousin) complains that she's about to be homeless/daughter can't afford to go to private school.

 

 

tonight my wife and i got into an argument that left me in tears explaining to her that her family does nothing but use us only to watch their dogs/kids when they aren't up to it. they speak to her like shes dog ****, even though her cousins are poor/welfare exploiters and my wife works in finance and has a steady job. the only time her cousins have even come to say hello to my parents were clearly when they came with sob stories trying to ask MY FAMILY for FREE MONEY.

 

they would bring all their kids and their kids friends in their dirtiest clothes so MY mother would beg to wash the children's clothes and feed them (despite the fact that my wife's cousin has washers/dryers in her own home).

 

this is not only infuriating enough but i haven't gotten to the core of this stinky onion:

 

my wife's cousins do nothing but treat me and my family like ****, talk down to us, and treat us nastily.

 

so imagine people who not only are cunty to you and yours, but then beg their cousin to ask her inlaws (us who have been treated like cunts) for assistance (monetarily/item wise/labor).

 

as you can see, i'm at my wits end.

 

i told my wife tonight that she has not only ignored the love/ acceptance, and comfort she has received from my family, but has pushed us aside for people who treat her like dog****.

 

after an hour of pointing out things she has refused to accept/acknowledge, she has finally admitted that she has ignored my family and her husband for the in-attention of her blood family members that clearly do not love her.

 

Unfortunately after I thought she finally started to come around, she did start texting the very same cousins that have treated us like ****, because she swore "she just wanted to let them know that they can't ask us for favors anymore unless they REALLY need them."

 

which brings us back full circle. that my wife doesn't care about the people that love her and care about her, but only cares about the blood relatives who bleed us dry monetarily/time wise/respect wise.

 

should i consider divorce even though i love her deeply?

[ajequals]

your dealing with an enabler .In my experience that will never change. you have a decision to make

[Libby1]

should i consider divorce even though i love her deeply?

 

You don't mention kids (of your own). Do the two of you have any children together?

 

A couple more questions. I hope it doesn't sound like an interrogation but some more info would be useful.

 

1. Given what you knew of her cousin, why did you agree to move to be closer to her?

2. Has your wife ever had counselling?

Edited November 5, 2019 by Libby1

[Springsummer]

come on now. No one can be like that. there must be some story behind her behavior. like maybe they raised her? helped her? or she did something wrong to them in the past?

 

I thought we are born with a sense of right and wrong and dignity?

[d0nnivain]

Beg your wife to go a ACoA meeting. It's a support group for adults who grew up in substance abuse households.

 

You should also read this: https://www.verywellmind.com/common-traits-of-adult-children-of-alcoholics-66557

 

Your wife wants to be loved. That is all she ever wanted. They are her blood family of origin & she's still seeking their approval. The desire is not based on logic but fear. You can't force her to make the saner choice of your family.

[carhill]

Her concept of love and emotional bonding was forged in the furnace of abuse and abandonment. She'll likely carry those emotional setpoints for life. She can think her way out of them, process it differently but IMO the core FOO love style will always be there so it'll be a constant challenge. Professional psychological counseling can help. So can distance, getting distant from and cutting off ties to reminders of the abuse and abandonment of the past. Balanced against that is the normal human desire to remain close to their blood, their FOO and extended family, like those cousins. The desire is stronger in some than others.

 

If she's unwilling to do her part in maintaining a healthy marriage, there's not really much a spouse can do; either accept the reality or divorce. TBH, at my age, and I know women personally who are still re-living their childhood traumas pushing up onto six decades, I'd get the heck out. Life is too short. However, some men have an iron constitution for dealing with that stuff that I'll never possess. Good on them, good luck to you and welcome to LS

[d0nnivain]

Carhill

 

Does FOO stand for family of origin?

[carhill]

Yes, and unfortunately LS doesn't search that, too short. It's been used a lot over the decades, I actually learned it from another member back when joining. However, I believe it is listed in the LS lingo thread in Water Cooler.

[Gaeta]

my wife and i have been together for 5 years. married for 1 year.

So this is not news to you. You can hardly marry someone then a year later ask them to change. People change when they are devoted to change with intense therapy and years of investment. If I were you I would step out of it now. Find yourself a woman that appreciates your kind nature and your family's generosity.

[vivatgrendel]

thank you to everyone for the kind words.

 

we have no children of our own. my wife always says that she knows her cousins treat her poorly but they're "all she has" when it comes to family of her own. basically they were raised like sisters and my wife's aunt is more of a parent to her than her own birth mother has ever been (but that's a whole separate can of worms).

 

her father left her mother when my wife was small, started a new family and had more daughters, then passed away when my wife was 18. the father left her mother because her mother is an insane alcoholic with very serious mental health issues, and has been in and out of her life for years.

 

my wife's aunt can be a little abrasive, but she has a giant heart and cares for us deeply as do we her. unfortunately she is always fighting with her daughters because 1 does nothing but take advantage of her monetarily and emotionally, and her other daughter resents her for allowing her sister to do this but remain her more favored daughter. they both enjoy ganging up on their mother to tell her how bad of a parent they think she is, etc. etc.

 

essentially our aunt's husband, the less favored sister's husband, and myself just stay outside and smoke cigarettes while the women do nothing but argue at every family function (birthday parties, holidays, etc.).

 

it is all very exhausting.

 

trapped inside all of this highschool-esque drama is my wife. and that's where our arguments come from. i don't like how she is treated, and she won't do anything about it because she's afraid that if she does speak up for herself that then her cousins won't talk to her and then she "will have no family of her own at all".

 

i understand her wanting to have her own family and not just have in-laws, but not when they treat her like she doesn't exist or matter until they need something from her. and the few times i've gotten her to say no, she won't hear from them again until they need something else.

 

this has all gotten progressively worse since we got married. prior to this, when we were dating/living together for 4 years i'm not sure if i didn't let it effect me as much as i am now that she is my wife and i feel even more protective of her, or alternatively if it's because now that i'm her husband i expect her to be more dedicated to me than she is them. i didn't understand how she could let them treat her the way they did when we were dating but i guess i rationalized it as "it's her business" or "not my family/not my problem".

 

after our big argument/discussion/explaining our feelings on everything last night, i am some what more optimistic that things will start to get better, or, at the very least she will distance herself from them if they continue to act as they have been. but only time will tell.

 

thank you to everyone who has let me vent and offered support/helpful/kind words. i was shocked to see this today and how it wasn't responded to with snark, immaturity, or down right ****tyness. hopefully i'll be able to assist someone else in these forums in some way to return the favor.

[Gaeta]

Would your wife be open to see a therapist to guide her through this and to learn about setting up boundaries?

[preraph]

Just realize that what you grow up with is what's "normal" to you and even comforting sometimes.