Okeydokey Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 So I broke up with ex a month ago. We got back together for 2 weeks and then he broke up with me two weeks ago. Since break-up ex has maintained contact by coming up with excuses to see each other: we need to figure out what to do with theatre tickets (sort of insinuating that we should still go to the shows together), we need to discuss our work, we need figure out what we are going to do about winter trip (we have airplane tickets). So I told him a time when I would be in my office and he could stop by if he really thought it was necessary to talk. I waited 10 minutes he didnt show I bounced. Two days later, Friday he called and leaves message wants to discuss it on THE WEEKEND. I did not respond. Sends e-mail Saturday. I did not respond. Finally sends two e-mails Monday morning. HE STILL WANTS TO TRAVEL TOGETHER OVER WINTER BREAK. I was doing NC. But agreed to meet Monday afternoon b/c still care and he was trying to talk - I felt like a jerk ignoring, etc. I explained that we would be dividing up the tickets and we would not be travelling together. He took off pretty hurt. I DO WANT THE GUY BACK. I just feel like if he really wanted back together he should just come out and say so and not just come up with ways to test me to find out if I want back too. Well, I felt like a jerk for being on a power trip thinking I was great b/c he wanted me back and I could reject him by saying no trip and no shows. So, I bumped into him in the halls and I told him, "Look. I think you've been trying to figure out a way to see me b/c you really just want to know how I am doing." He said "yeah. But I didn't have the guts to ask." I said, "I'm fine, I'm not trying to be mean to you - I just need my space. How are you?" He said, "It has been really hard. I'm under a lot of pressure. I broke down and needed someone to talk to. I went home and talked to my mom." So, I said, "How is your mom?" He answered, "I told her everything - I think she was a little shocked - we'd never talked so openly before. She thought that I was going to drop out of Law School. Thank you for asking." I told him, "If you ever want to know how I'm doing you can just ask me. It's ok." And then we said good-bye. He hasn't really tried to be in touch since (that was Monday). On Wednesday there was a welcome potluck for people from Tulane. I spent about an hour talking to some dude that was pretty cute. Ex could see. Ex took off. I saw him walk by the window a couple of times to check if I was still talking to the other dude (which I was). I want him back. Did I reject him so much that he is not going to try anymore? Should I send him an e-mail or give a call? We have to see eachother for work on Wednesday morning anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
konfuzd Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 Do you think the source of your break up has been resolved? I am in a similar situation where I want a second chance with my ex, but have no idea if he will grant it to me (7 days now of NC- purely his choice). It is tough, but I really think that if there is a problem, that at the time it feels as though it's a better solution to end the relationship than work thorough the problem, you need to seriously ask yourself if it's just going to be and endless cycle. In your case, you're seeking a third chance, since you say you broke up a month ago, and then again 2 weeks later. Break ups are emotionally trying for both parties, you both have gone through it now twice within a matter of 6 weeks! Try to compare your broken heart to a broken leg... if you try to walk on it before it heals, it's bound to aggrivate the pain. If you give it proper time to heal, it's most likely going to get back to full strength again.... but you do have to deal with the idea that even though you have healed, it doesn't mean that things will be as strong as they were before, you really have to work to get back on the olympic team, but it can be done! I hope this makes sense, and helps you out Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Okeydokey Posted October 3, 2005 Author Share Posted October 3, 2005 Thanks for your reply. I would like to hear more about your situation too. The basic problem is he hates talking about feelings and communicating. We both care about each other a lot and love spending time together. It's just that he doesn't express in any way how he feels about me. When I would tell him I need to hear you say you care - he didn't understand why. The dude was scared to ask me "How I was". Why... because he was scared to even show me that he cared about how I was doing. The problem is he is repressed. Ugh. I feel like if he wants it bad enough he'll force himself to overcome his ego and just say - I want you back. I mean, he does want me back right? Otherwise why would he be e-mailing me every two or three days with some pretext and then holding out so that we have to discuss his pretext on the weekend? Link to post Share on other sites
konfuzd Posted October 3, 2005 Share Posted October 3, 2005 wow, your situation sounds very similar to mine. My ex could only express his feelings via analogies. Shortly before we broke up, he used a sports analogy where he said, "I think I want to bring you up from the minor leagues, I'm considering signing you to a one year deal".... To me, that said, "I want to take things to the next level and make this into a serious relationship." Maybe a week later, as we're ending the relationship, he said, it never would have worked out, because he doesn't want a serious relationship.... WTF???? I'm sure your guy does want you back, but guys let their pride get in the way. They don't want to be the one to come crawling back to you. I suggest you ask him out, and state clearly that it's just a casual date, no pressure... without getting emotional about it just keep it fun, so that he sees what he's missing out on. It sounds like he just wants to avoid the drama of a serious relationship, although he wants to be with you. Sometimes you just have to find the ways he shows you he loves you, rather than saying it out loud. Maybe it's the goofy smile he gets on his face after a make out session, or the fact that he mssgs you when something makes his day. Take these little things to be the equivalent of "I love you", because maybe that's the best that this guy is capable of. If you can learn to treasure these little moments, instead of worrying about the big, deep moments, you guys can both get what you want. Relationships are all about compromise. I think that is a pretty easy one. I wish I could have the opportunity to do this with my ex, but he won't even return my calls.... what's a girl to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Okeydokey Posted October 3, 2005 Author Share Posted October 3, 2005 Hey Konfuzd, Wow - one year contract huh? I hope you can see the humor in his comment - sports analogies is a new one to me. LOL. Mine used to say that us correcting each other's papers was a sign of love. I looked at a letter he wrote for some work stuff and gave some feedback. He said that it "meant a lot to him". What the f#$@%? I didn't mean it in that way. Ugh! I'm going back to ignoring him. In fact, I think I will just delete his e-mails without reading them. The only reason that the dude is even trying to talk to me is because I blew him off for a good while. Try it - it might work with your one too - if he is as similar to mine. Though I think this one is maintaining contact b/c he can't handle the fact that I cut things off completely and stopped reacting to him. I liked your advice, but my dude is kind of a control freak. So, I think it gives him too much power plus since his problem is expressing - he's gotta be the one to ask me out (though he has kind of tried). Lastly, I think it is lame that dudes say they want to be in a relationship and committed then once it happens they freak out. No one is asking them to get married or have babies. And no one is telling them you have to say you love me. I think they start feeling stuff and that is when they wooss out. It doesn't really have anything to do with what you or I are asking them to give us. I would have been happy with just the smile like you said. But the dude hadn't smiled at me in 4 days! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Okeydokey Posted October 3, 2005 Author Share Posted October 3, 2005 There is a post called - do you really think contacting your ex is going to help you? from Feb. 14 by No Foolin. So, with respect to him not returning your calls - I would say - read the post by No Foolin and follow the advice. That is what I did. The post is hysterical (it made me feel good it was so funny) and he's the one that keeps trying to be in contact with me. So, I think if you follow that advice 1. you will feel a lot better and 2. your dude might try to get in touch. One disclaimer though, I'm starting to think that the being in touch isn't so much wanting to be back together but wanting to make sure that I'm there if he did want to and that I will provide emotional support if he decides he wants it. So, I would say do what that post says and don't make the mistake I did of responding to him. Stick to NC. Link to post Share on other sites
konfuzd Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 Wow, what a great post! Thanks for that. Really puts things into perspective. I was laughing as well, mostly at myself for being such a dumbass. Screw the second chance.... I'm going to take my second chance with a new guy! Take the things I learned from ex, and use them to make a stronger new relationship. Mr. Sports analogy is gonna be watching from the sidelines!!!!! Thank you so much for helping me out, feeling great now! Link to post Share on other sites
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