Getting Married Soon But Cold Feet

[PermanentInsomniac]

Hi all,

 

I am from Singapore, and my fiancé is from America. Applied and successfully got the K1 visa, and am closing the distance in early 2020.

 

However, now I am getting some feelings of uncertainty and doubt that I’ve discussed several times with him but need an outside opinion on.

 

I am no longer as excited about closing the distance as I thought I would be. Maybe it’s because I have not seen him in more than 9 months, or maybe it’s because I’m feeling rather sad at leaving my family behind. But I don’t feel as passionate about talking or Skyping with him as much as I used to.

 

But earlier this year when we got engaged while on a trip together, I was as excited as I could be. Every previous visit ended with a bout of depressed feelings and lots of airport crying. So I don’t understand how the passion can simply drop like this.

 

Is this just a funk, or is there more to it? I did not want to discuss this with him as it would totally break his heart and I can’t bear to Do that.

 

Help please

[d0nnivain]

Since the K-1 visa obligates you to marry within 90 days of entry you better figure this out soon.

 

Can you & he meet somewhere before you begin your life in America? I think being together before you actually have to marry may help soothe some of your angst.

 

This is a huge change. You will be away from your family & in a whole new culture. You are right to have second thoughts. Second thoughts does not mean you have to reach a different conclusion or change your mind about marriage but just seriously think everything through.

[PermanentInsomniac]

Unfortunately, due to the limited amount of paid time off from his work (already taken most when we met earlier in the year), and the large cost of flying to meet each other, meeting before Jan 2020 will be impossible.

 

Fortunately, I have been communicating transparently with him about this, and he has been most understanding and patient about it, which only makes me feel more touched/guilty about it lol.

 

Huge change definitely, and feeling angsts definitely.... hoping someone here can provide some tips etc... would be greatly appreciated

[lavenderandvelvet]

Have you figured out how to build your support system outside of him in the States?

 

I can imagine that it feels potentially really isolating moving to a new country with really only one person.

Edited November 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Els]

What about just going on the visa and then deciding during the 90 days? How much time have you spent in the US before this? How long have you been together?

 

 

I moved to close the distance with H and have zero regrets. In fact, even if the relationship had not worked out I would have had zero regrets and would probably have stayed. It turns out that I really, really liked the country I moved to. But I definitely had cold feet closer to the move.

 

 

 

I think you should give it a whirl personally. At worst, you can just go back to your home country afterwards, having had a great adventure. Getting to live and work in a new country is a nice opportunity.

[preraph]

This is your rational self kicking in finally. All I can tell you is I wouldn't do it. You don't even like him that much anymore. You will miss your family. You will be out of your element. You will likely be dependent on him and feel trapped. If you're not feeling it, don't do it!

[major_merrick]

OK, I get that you've got a big change coming. Cold Feet is normal! Even if you know someone for almost 20 years like I did, you question and ask yourself if you are nuts. It is how the female mind works. Feelings change a bit when you're on that emotional roller coaster, so things seem uncertain. Don't act on feelings - act on facts. Ask yourself what tangible positive benefits there are, what tangible downsides there are, and what character traits your fiance has. Is he a good person? Is he kind and hardworking? If something bad happens, is he loyal even when it hurts?

 

 

If I were you, I'd go ahead and get married. From what little you've described, your fiance has been understanding and patient. Remember, he's stressed out too! He's taking on a ton of financial and legal liability bringing you to the United States. Just be open and honest with each other about what you hope for and what you're afraid of. The more you can talk, the more you can feel confident in making a rational choice.

 

 

Be aware that most Americans do not value marriage and relationships as they once did. You'll likely get a fair bit of anti-marriage sentiment on this forum. I can't tell you how many people told me to run away from my husband or avoid my lifestyle. I had people tell me I was joining a cult, that I was going to be some kind of domestic slave, or that my husband wasn't going to love me. Nothing could be farther from the truth! I love being married, and I even gave up my career to be a mom. Two years in and I'm more in love than when I started.

 

BTW, I knew a girl who met her husband online and moved to the US from China. Married her husband 4 days later, having only met him once. After some initial struggles getting used to each other, they have been happily married for ten years. There are success stories, and you could be one of them!

Edited November 14, 2019 by major_merrick

[Ruby Slippers]

What about just going on the visa and then deciding during the 90 days?

I agree with this advice.

 

Your feelings about being far from your family of origin are valid.

 

Have you discussed how this will be handled? Will he be supportive of visiting them at a frequency that works for you? Have you discussed the logistics and cost of this?

[LuckyM]

I agree...you discovered your fear and it is real. Either you are all in or all out.

I knew a girl from Singapore once, we met in Europe, but it never occured to me that she would move to America.

 

Any chance that he will move to you? I know someone who moved from America to Chile to get married--and seems content. Common wisdom is that you should go with your gut feeling----or delay the choice.

[Els]

Any chance that he will move to you? I know someone who moved from America to Chile to get married--and seems content. Common wisdom is that you should go with your gut feeling----or delay the choice.

 

 

This would be even worse because Singapore does not have a fiance visa, so they wouldn't even have a 90-day period of living together to decide whether or not they want to get married. And divorce comes with a HUGE social stigma there.

 

 

Tbh I think the 90-day limit for US visas is still kinda **** (many other Western countries allow partner visas that don't require a marriage), but it's a step up from what you'd get in Asian countries, where you would actually need to get married (not just engaged) before your relationship counts for anything.