Why is it so hard to set boundaries?

[Jez319]

I have troubles with boundaries, and some people can take advantage of that. I wrote a while back about a friend I find somewhat toxic to my life, not all the time, but enough of the time. We weren't speaking after a pretty rough time traveling, she treated my husband terribly and said rude things about him, all undeserved and only related to her seething jealousy.

 

I used to feel really good about our friendship, even when she struggled greatly and needed help. She was also always there for me and gave me boosts when I needed it. I felt the unconditional positive regard towards her, I miss that. But the past couple years she has turned her anger and jealousy towards me one too many times. I don't mind supporting friends, I enjoy it actually, and I do have a larger tolerance for it than many. But just don't turn your crap on me, is all I ask. I grow wary when she drinks, watching her for signs that she may become rude, I get off the phone with her when I think she's drinking out of fear she'll turn it on me. I actually fear her drunken personality; it's scary and mean. It's something inside of her she can't tamp down when she's drinking, but I do think it's still there when she's sober.

 

I was feeling better, actually, having her energy out of my immediate awareness. She has since reached out an gave a half hearted apology, which wasn't an apology at all really, and I accepted it. I didn't feel like dealing with it, so I let it go, but she said some pretty ridiculous things, like how I was "husband shaming" her, when I called her out on being rude to my husband?? Like, because I said "he's my husband" when she was so rude about him, it was to shame her that she didn't have one?? Makes no sense, and only served to show my how truly selfish she is, to make even that about her.

 

I've done well with keeping her at a distance, but she was struggling so, upset all the time, I hate seeing people suffer. There's a codependent part of me that I need to get more awareness of, that is manipulated by these sorts of people, I just am drawn in by their drama and a desire to help. But I get it, it's actually just enabling. So, I didn't spend all the time I used to consoling her, but I didn't call her out on all her crap, I 'let it go' because I didn't want to make her suffer any more. I am pretty sure she took that as, our friendship is back to normal!

 

Problem is, I just don't feel that friend vibe like that with her any more. I want friends who I can say openly and to anyone, "he/she is so awesome!" and fully mean it. I don't feel that with her and I don't like being fake, I can't. I also don't really want to bring it up her because I am sure she'll have a bunch of excuses. I simply want to start taking more and more space, which I have been doing the past couple of weeks. I probably could go back to thinking she's awesome, because there are parts of her that are, if she independently, really considered how she's treated me the past few years and gave me a true and heartfelt apology for all of it, but I don't think that will happen and I certainly won't prompt it. We used to be able to resolve issues with talking about them. Something on this trip we took just broke in me, she crossed a line, and I just don't see how to uncross it.

 

She started seeing someone over the past couple of weeks, and she sends me pics of them saying "I am so happy! Thanks for hanging in there with me, I love you." Like all is well now that she has a boyfriend. And it sounds sweet for her to say, but all I can think of is, you think you can bleed all over the place with your open (metaphorical) wound for years, manipulate and try to undermine my happiness and marriage, and then when you're dating someone, all of a sudden, it's all good! I am happy now, so nevermind, all good! A part of me is happy and relieved she has a distraction now, but I can't just act like all is well now? She said, "oh, you'll love him and so will your husband!", and "I know how important it is for your friends to like your partner". OMG. She's dated him for a week and now she gets it??? We are not young, she's dated before. It just flew all over me because just a few months ago, when I was upset that she was being rude to my husband, and asked her if she liked him, she said, "well, I don't dislike him", and "I don't see the big deal, you don't like so-and-so's husband" (which isn't true, I do love so-and-so's husband, he just annoys me sometimes + even if I didn't like him, I'd never tell my friend whose husband it is that!). So it's all too convenient, for her benefit.

 

 

So our other friend reminded me that me and this particular friend have had this dynamic quite a while. Years, even. I need to be reminded sometimes, I have amnesia for ****ty things sometimes. This time it is a bit worse because now it's not just me supporting her, it's her needing my support, while being insulting about my life. So it should be even easier to let her go. I don't reach out to her anymore, but I also can't ignore her when she reaches out. And she seems to be reaching out every day all of a sudden, feels like she wants to share that 'she's healthy now'. She's dating a guy for a week and she's healthy now. It doesn't work that way. I will just keep keeping my distance. If she truly 'becomes healthy' she should be able to figure out how incredibly ****ty she's been to me and give me a heartfelt apology. And even then I would need to keep my distance still, but it would lift some of this icky vibe I feel when I think about her. And if she were TRULY healthy (again, it doesn't work that way, not that easily), we could possibly slowly work to repair some of this damage that SHE did. But she would have to completely own it. I seriously doubt that will ever happen, and I am totally fine with that.

 

I did actually reach out to a therapist to gain some insight on why I let this get to me so, among other things, and why I put up with such crap from just a friend, I start that this Thursday

[Flame Aura]

Well when she gave this half hearted apology why would you accept it, if you didn't really? Makes no sense. Accepting it will off course make her think you two are good now, with no idea of your true feelings.

 

That's on you, not her.

 

Should have said 'Sorry but I don't think your apology is genuine and I don't accept it. I think we should take some time apart to reflect on everything that's happened'

 

You still can say something along those lines and see how she responds.

 

Next time though don't accept apologies when you don't really mean it.

[schlumpy]

There's some jealousy at work here that the alcohol lets loose. She wants what you have and thus the bad behaviors.

[Jez319]

Flame Aura, yes you are correct that I shouldn't have let it go so easily. I didn't really accept her apology, we just had one of those "agree to disagree" conversations and I wanted to let it go. I don't know why. Partially because I am painfully non-confrontational, partially because I fear for her, for her mental health and didn't want to give her another excuse to hate herself. You don't hate on someone who already hates themselves, you know?

 

I know I need to be more assertive. And yes, I could have that conversation now, or just simply say I need a break. I am sort of opting to do that in a passive way, just start pulling back a little. It may feel good to just get it in the open though. I may end up knowing I deserve that. I need to care more about myself than I do about her feelings. I think it may be easy now that she is dating someone, to be honest and with her and move on. I think that's why it's coming to the surface now. If she's feeling better, I am kind of released from my position as her listening ear/shoulder to cry on. I know I put myself in that role before, it wasn't just thrust upon me, so I need to figure out what it is about me that takes other people's stuff on like that, and what I am getting out of it. I think I like being there for people, and being there for her just went south quick because she overused it and took her stuff out on me.