I don't understand this line of thinking regarding infidelity

[pepperbird]

This thread isn't directed at anyone here, it's just a general conversation about something I have never understood.

 

 

One of the common pieces of advice I have seen on here is for ow or om to tell the BS in their situation about the affair, for whatever reaosn.

 

Some reply that they don't want to do that because it will hurt the BS. Is it just me, or is this somewhat confusinglogic? How does the BS finding out about an affair and being given agency to make fully informed choice about his or her life the true source of their pain? The affair already caused that.

 

If ow/om were mostly cruel creatures who didn't care who they hurt, i could understand , but I have yet to see one who is that self centered. Most seem to be caring, compassionate people, So why is it okay to hurt a BS by being involved with their spouse, but it's a terrible idea to tell them about the affair because it will hurt them?

 

Can someone explain this?

[Tamfana]

. Some reply that they don't want to do that because it will hurt the BS. Is it just me, or is this somewhat confusinglogic? How does the BS finding out about an affair and being given agency to make fully informed choice about his or her life the true source of their pain? The affair already caused that.

 

I think you're right.

 

My mom cheated on my dad and created me, which I found out at age 59. She said that she lied to everyone for 6 decades because she didn't want to hurt my dad or me. But she's had no concern whatsoever about hurting me so I doubt she ever cared. Her concern post-reveal has been her own comfort and reputation, avoiding shame or loss of status, but we know now that she's just a run of the mill cheater and liar. Others' feelings were never her concern.

[Gaeta]

BS stands for what?

[RecentChange]

I don't think it honestly comes down to "not wanting to hurt the betrayed spouse" - if that was any sort of priority they wouldn't have been cheating in the first place.

 

People don't tell because that's the path of least resistance. It's the route with the least amount of drama, the least amount of personal responsibility etc.

 

In short, it's the easiest thing to do. Telling the BS, facing the music, feeling the consequences - that's HARD.

 

Ignoring the BS and keeping lies is easier

[central]

While a BS (betrayed spouse) has the right to know, not all want to know, especially if the wayward ends the affair and doesn't repeat it. Learning about an affair usually causes tremendous pain and anxiety for most, and it typically results in either divorce or years of unhappiness while things are worked out. It's almost as if the BS is being punished for their spouse's failure, once they find out. If they want to know, they should - agency is important, even if it can be painful.

 

Personally, I wouldn't want to know about it, if the affair ended and hadn't disrupted my life. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Now, if it was ongoing, or affairs became a repeat behavior, or had other serious consequences, I'd want to know and do something about it. Otherwise, I'd rather be dumb and happy!

[mark clemson]

BS stands for what?

 

Betrayed spouse.

 

 

There are a variety of possible reasons. (There are of course specific situations where any these may or may not apply.) Here are some I can think of:

 

- It hurts the AP - causes distress in their life by causing a DDay. Their guilt at hurting the (former) AP may be greater than their guilt at hurting the BS (given that the BS doesn't know of the "hurt").

 

- It normally ends all possibility of the affair continuing at least in the short term as the AP deals with the DDay fallout.

 

- (Somewhat ironically) it may be seen as a betrayal of trust, since there would have been an understanding between the two APs that the A was to remain secret. Also, there may be residual or conflicted feelings towards the AP, but telling creates a risk that the AP will never want to speak to them again.

 

- They may feel that ignorance of it is merciful to the BS relative to the emotional distress of a DDay. They may feel it's wrong to "force" a DDay upon the BS.

 

- If there are children involved, there may be guilt at causing emotional distress for them.

 

- Some probably believe that the BS will not trust their sincerity in revealing the information.

 

- They may feel it is to little avail if they believe the BS will just put up with the cheating.

 

- There may be retaliation from the BS, (or at least the perceived potential for it) that is potentially quite serious. Some possible ones include:

- In a work context, informing supervisors or HR

- Ruining the

OM

/OWs reputation or alienating mutual friends (who wants to be branded a homewrecker?)

- (In

rare

cases) violence (discussed in a thread recently)

- In alienation of affection states, suing the AP

I think in summary there is a lot of risk to them and not much potential reward. What's in it for them? Alleviation of a guilty conscience but not much else. And a certain percentage probably sincerely feel that it's actually not for the best.

 

I think RC has a good point about it being the path of least resistance as well.

[mark clemson]

So why is it okay to hurt a BS by being involved with their spouse, but it's a terrible idea to tell them about the affair because it will hurt them?

 

Can someone explain this?

 

They know it's not "ok" they just do it anyway. Having the affair creates risk of discovery and the associated bad consequences. That risk may be perceived as low (and to boot people often aren't fully thinking straight when romantically attracted.) Telling makes the bad consequences actually happen.

[Mr. Lucky]

So why is it okay to hurt a BS by being involved with their spouse, but it's a terrible idea to tell them about the affair because it will hurt them?

 

It's just all part of the rationalization that makes cheating possible in the first place.

 

Knew a couple long ago who'd both worked and created quite a sizable nest egg, which she managed. Unbeknownst to him, she became a gambling addict and siphoned off the bulk of their savings, which he found out a decade down the road when he retired.

 

So was he "hurt" when the money was stolen or when he (much later) discovered the theft?

 

Obviously the former, simply because, had he known, lots he could have done to mitigate the damage. The victim deserves to make the same informed decisions as the perpetrator(s) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Learning about an affair usually causes tremendous pain and anxiety for most, and it typically results in either divorce or years of unhappiness while things are worked out. It's almost as if the BS is being punished for their spouse's failure, once they find out.

...I'd rather be dumb and happy!

 

If the BS finding out or being told resulted in happiness all round then great, but that is not the usual outcome.

Unhappiness all round is the usual outcome.

Yes the cheater is at fault, and yes the BS can make informed decisions but are those decisions necessarily right?

 

Also, many cheaters cheat as they KNOW their spouse is going nowhere.

Many BSs for financial, family, emotional, religious... reasons will never leave.

Is it then fair they are lumbered with the burden of knowing the gory details of their spouse's infidelity.

Yes we all like the idea of the cheater getting their just desserts, bearing the brunt of "consequences", but at the expense of their children? The BSs mental health?

Divorces are not good for kids nor are hurt, sad, bitter and angry BSs, maybe ignorance IS bliss?

Here on the forum we have BSs, emotionally damaged for years and decades by cheating events...

Would they have been a lot better, lived better happier lives, if they had just not known about it at all?

 

OWs really want nothing to do with "consequences", the only consequence most want is to break up the marriage so that they can ride off into the sunset with "the prize".

They do not not usually want to get involved in the collateral damage, too messy...

Edited November 6, 2019 by elaine567

[schlumpy]

I think you're right.

 

My mom cheated on my dad and created me, which I found out at age 59. She said that she lied to everyone for 6 decades because she didn't want to hurt my dad or me. But she's had no concern whatsoever about hurting me so I doubt she ever cared. Her concern post-reveal has been her own comfort and reputation, avoiding shame or loss of status, but we know now that she's just a run of the mill cheater and liar. Others' feelings were never her concern.

 

Although parents are supposed to teach their children the right things to do in this world they still fulfill that function by teaching their children, if they pay attention as you obviously have, what not to do.

 

I also had to pay attention.

[schlumpy]

It comes down to control of your own life. You either want that control or you don't.

 

I've known several women who didn't want that control and although they knew their husbands were sleeping around they chose to ignore it and they stayed married.

 

I don't know what their mental states were since my comments are drawn from observation only as well as insider knowledge of their husbands. It seemed to me they focused on the parts of the marriage that were good.

[pepperbird]

I wanted to know, and was really glad it was my spouse who told me.

 

A former OW who is a friend of mine decided not to tell her former MM's wife because she felt that she had already interfered enough in their lives and just wanted to walk away, no drama. I can understand where she was coming from. She also really believed the affair was just a one off for him and he would never do it again.

 

I don't know if he went on to have others affairs, but she's told me that if she found out that he had strayed again, she would tell his wife. Way back in the top of he closet, she has a packet of texts, emails, etc. that back up her story, so if she ever needs them for proof, she will have them. Personally, I think she should move on, but she really does feel that she owes his wife at least that much.

[anika99]

A former OW who is a friend of mine decided not to tell her former MM's wife because she felt that she had already interfered enough in their lives and just wanted to walk away, no drama. I can understand where she was coming from.

 

But you started this thread saying you don't understand an OW who won't tell the wife based on not wanting to hurt the wife, yet when your friend won't tell the wife based on not wanting to "interfere" you totally understand? So is it just the choice of words then? If instead of saying that they don't want to hurt the spouse they said they didn't want to interfere in the marriage then that would be understandable? I think both trains of thought are equally as lame.

 

On the other hand I'm not really one to jump on the OW who post here, demanding that they tell the spouse. For one thing, the ones who have done that usually did so for selfish reasons. Also posters will attack the OW no matter what she does. If she doesn't tell the BS she is told that she is being selfish and self serving. If she does tell she is told that she is being selfish and self serving. So the OW has to do what she feels is right in her heart. If she acts based on wanting the approval of others she will never win.

[carhill]

Some LS history on the topic:

Why not tell the betrayed spouse about the affair?

Has an affair partner taken revenge?

For those [affair partners] who told the [betrayed spouse]

As a betrayed spouse, would you want to know?

Should you expose an affair if your partner had a significant other?

Wife cheating on husband. He does not know. To say or not to say?

 

 

There's a lot of threads with disclosure by third parties or the affair partner as a tangential topic. Marriages and relationships and humans vary widely so IMO there are no hard and fast generalities. In cases where the families are otherwise unknown, it's impossible to know with any certainty how those families function or the emotional/psychological makeup of the people involved. Historically I tended to follow the maxim our MC used; there's his story and her story and the truth lays somewhere in the middle. However, for an affair partner, if they want to securely end an affair with zero chance of future contact, send incontrovertible evidence to the betrayed spouse. Works great.

[DKT3]

Most of the time its because the care for the married person, they dont care about the betrayed spouse. Telling would hurt someone they care about