Appreciation battle

[starkid42]

My wife and I have a 7 month old, and since then she's being staying at home. I'm 2 months into a new job, and things haven't been that bad, but recently tension has been building over household chores and what's important. I know she spends all day taking care of the baby and I've been trying to compensate by doing a majority of the house/yard work. Recently she's been doing more chores, but I pretty much exclusively do all the errands and I'm the only one that cooks any meals. We've been struggling with our weight and we want to save money, so I'm trying to cook healthier meals and make more frugal shopping choices. Lately I've felt that she's been looking at these like they don't matter. If I try to make time to do yard work, she acts annoyed like I'm doing it for fun instead of a chore. It's now at the point where it's gonna cost a few hundred dollars to clean up, but she seems to ignore it. If I try to shop healthier, she gets upset because she doesn't want it, and if I try to shop somewhere cheaper such as Walmart, she gets upset that we're not going where she wants to go. Yet when I bring it up that it's cheaper and saves money, she gets upset I'm not giving her a say (but then will complain about not having a ton of money a week later). I just feel like I'm trying to do all these things to help our situation, and there is no appreciate; yet I'm doing what I can to let her know I appreciate her.

 

 

 

Last night was rough as I tried to do our normal routine of going shopping and cooking something to cook at home since we ate out all weekend, but she was set on only wanting to eat out at Panda. When I brought up it'd probably be cheaper and healthier she got really upset. We ended up going to Panda and it wasn't a huge deal, but I still feel like she's treating me more like a bad guy. This morning is when it blew up though. I was about to go to work and she had just woken up (and usually she scrolls through facebook first thing). She showed me a meme she thought was funny about dishes/laundry/garbage being dirty, and the husband is in the attic blowing leaves around. She meant it as a joke, but I didn't find it funny at all. I viewed it as her telling me all the things I try to do as chores are not important and that she doesn't appreciate them. She got pretty upset, I don't blame her as she pretty much woke up and we went straight at it over what she thought was a "joke", but I didn't find it a joke at all. I saw it as her not appreciating anything I do.

 

 

Any advice how to go about it when I get home? I want her to know I appreciate her staying home, and I want her to feel that way, but I also want to feel appreciated and not like I do chores for "fun" instead of work.

[mark clemson]

Some general advice - take SEVERAL deep breaths next time you feel you're about to vent on her. Marriages aren't easy.

[mark clemson]

I want her to know I appreciate her staying home, and I want her to feel that way, but I also want to feel appreciated and not like I do chores for "fun" instead of work.

 

 

Stating this directly to her may help a bit, so long as it's done in a positive, easygoing manner. You may want let both of you cool off a bit before doing so.

[d0nnivain]

Try making a written budget.

[Mr. Lucky]

I also want to feel appreciated and not like I do chores for "fun" instead of work.

 

Wouldn't it make sense on many levels for you to take over some of the care for your child and she some of the chores? For instance, she could prepare dinner while you feed and bathe the little tyke.

 

Might create more awareness and appreciation for both of you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lotsgoingon]

At some point, you need to pull her aside, give her an amazing hug, and tell her all the great things you love about her, all the things you love about your life together. You need to give that to her ... as a way of rebuilding trust and connection. Take the initiative. Then have the conversation at some point from inside out ... not from your complaint ... but ... start with where she is and what she needs and thinks ... you'll get to what you need.

 

She might be more depressed after giving birth than she's letting on. Lots of mothers disconnect from their husbands for a period after the birth of a child.

 

She is feeling unhappy with all the baby care. ... You want to listen for that. Babies, as much as we love them, are just boring as heck after a while. There have been studies done where mothers rank babysitting as one of the lowest activities for satisfaction. After being with the baby all day, I can see why she would want to eat out ... she's half feeling suffocated ... She wants to escape the house! And you're missing the cues she's sending you in wanting to go out. (Mothers don't feel comfortable saying they feel cooped up all day with the baby since we have all this nonsense about how much joy it is to take care of a baby.)

 

Frankly, she may not see yard work as a priority. And she may be right. Why is that the priority for you? If she's drowning with baby, dude, forget about yard work! Hire some kid or ignore the yard for a bit and see what help she needs with the little one in your life.

 

I had a friend who used to say that when he stepped across the threshold to their house, his wife--a wonderful, loving and patient woman--basically handed him the baby and ran away to be by herself for a while.

 

Cook less .... order delivery more often ... so you have energy to take care of the baby. Your wife unfortunately is going passive-aggressive, but beneath it all, I'm betting she's desperate for time AWAY from the baby--or at least time outside the house, where she's stuck (isolated) all day with the baby.

 

Drop the yard work ... and drop the cooking for a bit ... You'll get to a later period when you can save money more. This is a key point in your marriage. Attend to it.

Edited November 6, 2019 by Lotsgoingon