Chesty Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 (edited) Wife babies my 17 year old stepson. She cuts his meat, makes his bed, wakes him up in morning, cuts his nails at times helps him get dressed etc... treats him like a 5 year old. No he isn’t autistic or anything - just conditioned to being treated like a 5 year old. Her other son 15 - is self responsible for himself but not the 17 year old. Wife allowed 17 year old to shower in bathroom with glass shower while she did her hair. When I said I thought it was child abuse she exploded on me and now claims I called her a child molester and child abuser - I just stated that I thought it was child abuse to be in same bathroom 3 feet from son showering. She is not a sexual person so I don’t think anything happened but I think this was very wrong and inappropriate. Maybe I’m wrong to think that it’s inappropriate for a 17 year old to shower 3 feet from mom. I told her that babying her 17 year old like she does is not allowing him to grow up and will hurt him when he is on his own. It’s to the extent that up til 5 months ago he still believed in Santa and still calls cuts booboos. She claims that is akin to me saying she’s a bad mom... help! Edited November 1, 2019 by Chesty 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 Apologize & now! You are not wrong that it's . . . odd. . . for the son to shower with the mom in the bathroom but that is a far cry from child molestation or abuse. Your word choice was horrendous. When you get her calmed down, reframe the Q to Honey, how do you think we can get [17 year old] to be more independent & self sufficient? See what she comes up with. You can offer some suggestions but don't force anything down his throat. As for the showing thing, even if she doesn't see it as sexual & he's still her little boy, ask her Qs about maybe does he have inappropriate thoughts . . . does he harbor a mommy fetish or is he an exhibitionist? Let her come to the idea that she could be harming him by allowing this behavior to continue. She can do her hair in another mirror. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 (edited) I disagree and think that is a form of child abuse. Not so much the showering aspect (but it is weird) but rather just the way she is doing everything for him. Her codependent relationship with him is stagnating him from learning how to be a grownup who is capable of living a life free from her. She will be dead one day and will he expect his wife (if he ever gets one with what he has become) to do it for him? Abuse! Now that being said, you trying to convince her that it is isn't going to be easy so I suggest you do some research and find articles and proof that it is. Then show it all to her and let her alone to absorb the fact that she has been abusing her son by doing everything for him. Its just as abusive to give your children EVERYTHING as it is to give them NOTHING. Edited November 1, 2019 by Beendaredonedat 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chesty Posted November 1, 2019 Author Share Posted November 1, 2019 Apologize & now! You are not wrong that it's . . . odd. . . for the son to shower with the mom in the bathroom but that is a far cry from child molestation or abuse. Your word choice was horrendous. When you get her calmed down, reframe the Q to Honey, how do you think we can get [17 year old] to be more independent & self sufficient? See what she comes up with. You can offer some suggestions but don't force anything down his throat. As for the showing thing, even if she doesn't see it as sexual & he's still her little boy, ask her Qs about maybe does he have inappropriate thoughts . . . does he harbor a mommy fetish or is he an exhibitionist? Let her come to the idea that she could be harming him by allowing this behavior to continue. She can do her hair in another mirror. I have apologized and profusely. But now she has “checked out” because of it. I agree I should have worded it differently but what is said is said and I can’t turn back time and change my wording. I accept that and that my wording could have been more appropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 I will just say that because she isn't sexual with you definitely does not rule out if she could be sexual with children. I mean, that IS the problem with pedophiles, they are attracted more to children. I'm not saying she is one, but her behavior with him seems really odd to me. I do think she needs to get out of the bathroom with him. And someone needs to remind her that the job of a parent is to prepare children for being an adult, not to keep them being children. If you have any serious concerns or reasons to think there could be something more serious going on, you should speak out and let someone investigate it. Maybe you should just talk to your son and tell him to stay out of the bathroom when his mother is in there and ask him doesn't he feel it's an invasion of his privacy and if there's any other ways she might be making him feel uncomfortable. He's old enough to ask. Do it in private when she's not there in case he thinks about it and has a delayed reaction or something. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 I told her that babying her 17 year old like she does is not allowing him to grow up and will hurt him when he is on his own. It’s to the extent that up til 5 months ago he still believed in Santa and still calls cuts booboos. She claims that is akin to me saying she’s a bad mom... help! I'm no expert but you may be right in this. It certainly doesn't sound normal at 17 in the US. If he goes to college away from home, he'll need to be able to do his own laundry, etc, right? So agree you do need to work on that. I wouldn't call the shower thing abuse, just odd. She wasn't looking at him showering for sexual pleasure or anything from what you say. Ala what Donnivain wrote above, it sounds like both you and your wife need to be more respectful when you communicate about this. You don't want him to end up one of these men who can only cook themselves microwaved food, etc, once he becomes independent, right? Perhaps that idea can be a point of common ground for you and your wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 The fact that the 15-year-old son takes care of himself makes me believe there IS something amiss, here. While it wasn't "child abuse" per se, I DO believe it is absolutely WRONG for your wife to be in the bathroom while her 17 year old son is in the shower! Let's look at it another way. If a father were in the bathroom while his 17 year old daughter were taking a shower (with a glass door, no less), would we not frown upon that behavior??? I certainly would. Something does need to be addressed, here - if nothing else than the disparity between the way she handles her 17 year old son as opposed to the way she handles her 15 year old son. What's with that? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 I have apologized and profusely. But now she has “checked out” because of it. I agree I should have worded it differently but what is said is said and I can’t turn back time and change my wording. I accept that and that my wording could have been more appropriate. She "checked out" because she knows you are right but due to her codependent relationship with him, she'd rather be stubborn then have to change HER behaviour. This is about her and not her son who is just basking in her over indulgence. Its a shame what she is doing to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chesty Posted November 1, 2019 Author Share Posted November 1, 2019 She "checked out" because she knows you are right but due to her codependent relationship with him, she'd rather be stubborn then have to change HER behaviour. This is about her and not her son who is just basking in her over indulgence. Its a shame what she is doing to him. Im open to any advice in this regard... I myself go to counseling on my own to improve myself as I am far from perfect. No idea how to handle this... nor do my counselors. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 I wouldn't call the shower thing abusive on it's own. Clearly she wasn't molesting her son. However the whole overall situation smacks of emotional abuse. She is holding her son back from maturing and becoming independent and she's doing that to meet some of her own emotional needs. That is abusive in my book. I also find it odd that she doesn't baby the youngest son in the same way. Usually moms have the hardest time letting go of the youngest. In any case there is definitely a big problem here and even though we might see it as abusive, telling a parent that they are abusive is never going to be received well. Tell her that you chose the wrong words but that you are concerned about your stepsons emotional development. Not sure if she would be open to having a rational discussion about this but give it a shot 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 It's not your counsellor's place to think about how she should handle this. It's the role of a psychologist who should be working with mother and son to help disentangle their relationship and teach him life skills. The nudity thing doesn't bother me - different people and different cultures have very different views of nudity, so who am I to judge? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 It’s to the extent that up til 5 months ago he still believed in Santa Are you sure you're not exaggerating or embellishing here? How is it possible for a 17yr old boy of normal intellect to believe in Santa? All of his schoolmates surely would have told him that there is no Santa by now. Plus he would be laughing stock of the town if he truly believed in Santa at his age. His peers would humiliate him horribly. I don't believe that he believed in Santa up until 5 months ago. Perhaps he let his mother believe that he believes in Santa in order to appease her which just further goes to show the unhealthy relationship she has with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chesty Posted November 1, 2019 Author Share Posted November 1, 2019 Are you sure you're not exaggerating or embellishing here? How is it possible for a 17yr old boy of normal intellect to believe in Santa? All of his schoolmates surely would have told him that there is no Santa by now. Plus he would be laughing stock of the town if he truly believed in Santa at his age. His peers would humiliate him horribly. I don't believe that he believed in Santa up until 5 months ago. Perhaps he let his mother believe that he believes in Santa in order to appease her which just further goes to show the unhealthy relationship she has with him. There is not one ounce of exaggeration about the Santa part... or any other part for that matter. she allows him to do online schooling instead of having to go to actual physical schools because he was bullied when he was younger. I was in the room when he stated that he still believed in Santa... I believe she has propagated this with him for some reason. I did ask her if he had ever been tested for autism and she said twice and that the doctors/specialists said he tests “normal” but with a different type of personality - ie overly sensitive and meek. Please know I’m not here to bash him or my wife... I just want to get different opinions to help my wife and I and this issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 Is the 17 year old special needs / developmentally disabled & you just don't know? My friends' non-verbal 21 year old severely Autistic son believes in Santa & that is just wonderful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chesty Posted November 1, 2019 Author Share Posted November 1, 2019 Is the 17 year old special needs / developmentally disabled & you just don't know? My friends' non-verbal 21 year old severely Autistic son believes in Santa & that is just wonderful. Apparently he’s been tested twice and not autistic. My best friend lived with me for almost 2 years with his 2 autistic sons - high functioning. From the testing and from living with my friend and his boys (I’ve known his boys since they were 3) I would argue that my stepson is not autistic. If he was autistic it would explain a heck of a lot... but apparently 2 separate doctors said he isn’t. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 99% of the people that start a thread with "Am I wrong?" usually are. And that Chesty, includes you. You're not wrong in your assessments, there's a mother/son dynamic here that's dysfunctional in a number of ways. But you're off course if you think this is your battle to fight or child to parent in any direct sense. Not sure how long you've been together, but this die was cast long ago. And if mom is determined to continue her course, nothing you can do but watch and keep to yourself. You have lots to lose and little to gain here. Pick you battles - and observations - wisely... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 It's clearly dysfunctional, codependent, and icky. But I agree that by now the dynamic is firmly established and not likely to change. How long have you been married? Was it always like this between them? I've found that family dynamics rarely change much at all. Since you married her as is, I think you'll have to learn to live with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 (edited) Im open to any advice in this regard... I myself go to counseling on my own to improve myself as I am far from perfect. No idea how to handle this... nor do my counselors. Chesty, Until she gets her own counselling from a professional that can counsel her on how wrong and abusive it is for being doing all for her son, she will never believe what you say to her nor will she welcome it so instead of trying to change her, maybe work with your therapist on ways to change you so that you can be happy in ignoring their dysfunction. She will find out when her grown son is left by many women for the way he is tied to her apron strings and how much he doesn't know how to do for himself. Women want an equal partner not some milque toast, man-baby who can't do a thing without checking with mommy first. That is His battle to fight, not mine should be your mantra so that you're not tormented by it all. Edited November 2, 2019 by Beendaredonedat Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 ^ But this kind of mom seems the kind to want to hold onto her "baby" forever, so if anything, she's happy he can never get a girlfriend to stick around. Then he has more time and attention to give mommy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chesty Posted November 2, 2019 Author Share Posted November 2, 2019 ^ But this kind of mom seems the kind to want to hold onto her "baby" forever, so if anything, she's happy he can never get a girlfriend to stick around. Then he has more time and attention to give mommy. That’s my fear that he will never “man up” and try to live with us forever... ugh Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 I just think it is creepy and wrong. What if this were a father in the bathroom shaving while his 17 year old daughter was taking a shower as well as doing all the other things this mom is doing for her 17 year old that she isn't doing for the 15 year old. Would people feel the same way? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 If I were you, I would call social services to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 Well, the one easy option you have here is to speak with your son alone. Take him somewhere and spend time with him. Let him know you have noticed she goes in the bathroom with him and that you think it's an invasion of his privacy and just see what he says. I mean, you have a relationship with him, too, right? So he needs his dad to spend more time with him now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 he needs his dad to spend more time with him now. I couldn’t agree more. The mother is only 1/2 of the parenting equation... there is a big role for you here dad, it’s time to step up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 ^ But this kind of mom seems the kind to want to hold onto her "baby" forever, so if anything, she's happy he can never get a girlfriend to stick around. Then he has more time and attention to give mommy. Not necessarily. The time I saw it in real life, the mother was afraid to let him fail. Also, when her son was young, she was told by other parents they these 'different' kids need a bit more support than regular kids....and she took it to the extreme. She wants him to be independent, but doesn't have the understanding of how to do so. Thankfully they had a psychologist involved last I heard. Link to post Share on other sites
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