Confessions if an ex-incel/terrible boyfriend.

[phaleg]

This was originally written for Reddit.

 

 

WARNING: This post details the actions of an ex-incel/generally bitter man. TL; DR at the bottom.

 

 

I [27 m] met a woman [36 f] almost 2 years ago on what is essentially an incel forum. I hit it off with her really well, I liked her a lot. After 2 months of contact I fell hard for her, and told her I loved her for the first time. The problem is I wasn't honest about my past with her out of fear.

 

 

I was a perverted monster. Being on an incel forum, you see all sorts of monstrous things. Terrible sexist, violent stuff. Hatred of women and want for violence against them. With deep regret I have to admit, I posted some too. At the time we met I had previously been on a long break from the place before because I realized it was bad for me. I was generally trying to become an adult and work on myself at the time and had made good progress.

 

 

For years I posted hate filled messages about women, rant about being lonely and suicidal (instead of just being an bad person), troll for online sex stuff with mostly men and some women. I realized I didnt want to be this person, so I kept trying to stop. Stop being extremely bitter and doing things I knew were monstrous.

 

 

When I told her I loved her for the first time, I was in a really good place, and I did stop going again. I didn't go on again since. Problem is I didn't tell her all of these details out of extreme shame. I presented to her the person I wanted to be rather than who I was.

She at the time was being left by her mother in California, alone. She was a shut in like me, but unlike me, she had real reasons to be that way, I was just a fat disgusting self absorbed neckbeard. She couldnt hold a job because of social anxiety, she had a traumatized childhood, and poor self image. She was running out of time to find a place to move, and I decided with time that I wanted her to be with me so I could take care of her. I didn't want to lose her.

 

 

After we first met online, I was still trying to hit on people there, I didn't think we were officially together yet, I was so shallow I didnt appreciate how lucky I was to have her. This AFTER we shared valentines day together. I asked guys to masturbate with me on cam. I felt men were easy to get compliments out of so if I felt bad I'd chase that. It was sick.

 

 

I posted about shemale porn, I posted obsessive posts about girls I met before her when I was an even deeper monster. These other girls I did tell her about because I wanted to be honest, but I couldn't get myself to be fully honest. I told her I had hit on a transwoman before in a chat, little sprinkles of truth because I was deeply ashamed of myself. I told her about a friend of mine that I once mistakenly said I loved. He related to me well, but I wasn't physically attracted to him. This friend was a bitter monster too, but him and two others grew out of this time, last strands of my connection to these forums.

 

 

He would say bitter stuff about her, I would tell her and she didn't want him around. So I deleted him and the 4 person group I was in. He added me back later under a different name, but I didn't delete him in order to not get these old friends to blame her. I stupidly thought I was protecting her and not just making things worse. But I did good about not talking to them for a long time.

 

 

I eventually ended up meeting her and we lost our virginities together in October of last year, it was nerve racking but I enjoyed it immensely. Yes, she found out about this around our anniversary. We had a wonderful vacation. We traveled all over bay area California together, I'll never forget it. I was and am head over heels for her.

 

 

From then until April we talked through trying to move her to where I was, I visited her again in March because the move was extremely stressful. Outside of finding and paying for the apartment, I did NOTHING to help her move really. I tried emotionally supporting her, but I couldn't up and fly to her whenever I wanted. I was trying to save money, but I should have done more. I had her do all the work while I just sat around basically. Worst part is she was sexually assaulted during this time, I wasn't around to stop it. She had to pay hundreds in bills because of the tests she got for this encounter.

 

We've been physically together since April 10. On October 5th, I had talked to that old, bitter friend that I admitted to her that I once thought I loved. That wasn't what the conversation was about, but I talked to him regardless. This opened the flood gates.

 

 

By using picture file names she went through archives to find my history, all of my gross posts, many of them I forgot about. And she rightly thinks this relationship is based on lies. She spent her savings to be with me and I couldn't even be honest about who I was.

 

 

She thinks I don't and never loved her, she's a place holder for women I obsessed with like a creep, and/or she's a beard to a closeted gay man. I was a severely broken individual trying to find myself for a long time, I had lost a bunch of weight and got a job after 9 to 10 years of leeching off my parents and posting terrible, disgusting **** out of extreme bitterness. I knew it was wrong and I kept leaving because it was bad, I didn't want to be an Elliot Rodger psychopath, but I kept going back. When she gets upset sometimes I get frustrated and strike myself manipulatively, I'm trying really hard to stop. I don't want to be this angry person, I think I'm a nice person who was extremely lost, but I wasn't nice. I miss the way she thought of me, making her smile. I miss her trusting me. I never lied about loving her. Shes so scared I'm going to cheat when I don't want anyone else.

 

 

TL; DR: I hid my ex-incel pervert past in shame instead of being truthful, and now I'm losing the only person I ever actually loved.

 

 

What would you do in her situation? Could you ever forgive and trust me again? What do I do for her at this point in the relationship? Do you think a terrible person can actually change? What would you do? I don't want to lose her, she's the most beautiful person I've ever met, she's so kind and loving and I destroyed her. But I know my feelings for her are real. I miss her so much.

Edited November 5, 2019 by phaleg

[preraph]

You need to spend your money on therapy for yourself right now. She knows your dark side. Get yourself sorted out before you try to date.

[healing light]

Are you guys officially broken up now? Or is she still with you? I would either have a sit down conversation or write her a letter if you can express yourself better explaining everything. Then let her know you understand if it changes her opinion of you, but that you're being honest and were too ashamed to let her all the way on your past in previously. Obviously, she'll need space and time to process this. The more you push or beg, the worse things will likely break for you. Respect her wishes if she decides she can't get past this new information.