Cyndyrr327 Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 My husband had an affair a year ago and we’ve been in counseling for 8 months. FINALLY things have turned around and we are in a great place. I want to renew our vows but he says we aren’t there yet. I’m confused. What would keep him from wanting to do this? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 Did you ask him "what do you mean by that?" if so, what was his response? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 You definitely are going to have to get him to tell you what he means by that. Hopefully he's just scared Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cyndyrr327 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Share Posted November 5, 2019 (edited) Did you ask him "what do you mean by that?" if so, what was his response? He just said we need the happy times to continue longer. (It’s been about a month of consistent happiness without the roller coaster) Honestly, I’m not terribly upset over this because when/if we do renew our valves, I would like it to be in the spring or summer LOL. So right now I am just curious Edited November 5, 2019 by Cyndyrr327 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 You are such a positive forward looking person. How refreshing. I hate to say that in my humble opinion, he is still struggling with something and it must be deep. If he was in the happy place that you describe then I would expect he would not hesitate but he has. How well did he hide the affair from you? Is he an accomplished actor? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 He must be hoping he doesn't slip up. I agree with him a month is too short to say okay everything is healed and we can renew our VOWS; however since he's the cheater his response should have been a bit more positive. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 Your vows are just as fresh as they were the day you initially took them. They don't go stale over time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 One month of happy times does not mean that your marriage is reconciled. Sorry. I think he’s being realistic, while you are being optimistic. I wouldn’t pressure him, but I would certainly be talking with him to learn more about why he would feel this way... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cyndyrr327 Posted November 7, 2019 Author Share Posted November 7, 2019 It hasn't been one month of happy times. We've had a lot of happiness over the past 8 months, we've just also had some really hard discussions/vulnerable conversations, etc that bring the roller coaster down over those 8 months even tho it allows us to move forward and be even better/stronger when we have those HARD conversations. But yes, it's been about a month with no roller coaster, everything has leveled out. This makes me feel like we have finally arrived and are SOLID and that all our hard work has paid off and we are a better US than we were before. HOpe that makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 9, 2019 Share Posted November 9, 2019 it's been about a month with no roller coaster, everything has leveled out. This makes me feel like we have finally arrived and are SOLID and that all our hard work has paid off and we are a better US than we were before. HOpe that makes sense. Not to rain on the parade, but one month isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. If the marriage went off the rails for a while, it's going to need longer than a month without big ups and downs to get back on solid ground (from his perspective, anyway) He's evidently not feeling as happy and confident about the future yet. Perhaps he isn't so sure he is capable of holding up a renewed promise to be faithful, or maybe he's doubting the long-term viability of the marriage in general. It seems you are looking for reassurance that you two are back and better than before by requesting a vow renewal. While the idea is nice, I wouldn't push it right now. It hurts to know he isn't feeling the same exuberance you are, I realize, but I would keep working on the important stuff - which is restoring the inner workings of your marriage. A vow renewal is of secondary importance to that. Link to post Share on other sites
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