20yr & 32yr old relationship - serious advice & thoughts

[DotMasta]

Hi,

 

I'm a 20 year old student who met and started seeing a woman who first told me she was 25, then after about a week revealed her true age... born 1973. We met middle of July this summer and had an amazing time - we seem to be highly compatible in all aspects.

 

After about a month it was clear to me that she was falling for me, and 2 weeks later she confessed her love. I have to admit in all honesty that I'm not in love - or atleast that I don't feel "love" in the way I expect/hope to.

 

For her the issue of age is a substantial one - I personally don't care that there are about 12 years difference between us. As far as I'm concerned the only thing that matters is that we get along really well, both physically and intellectually - a great relationship in my opinion.

 

What bothers me is the lack of feeling I seem to have - plus now that I'm back at university in England (I spend my holidays in Vienna), it has become a long-distance relationship. I had been together with her for about 9 weeks before I went to the UK (I stay here for 10 weeks), and she made it clear to me that she wanted it to continue.

 

Even though I have a certain talent with women, I realise that I'm only 20, and still have a lot to learn about life and love.

 

I know what I'm going to do - continue my great relationship with this fantastic woman and learn as much as possible. But I'd like to understand why there is no stronger feeling within me and what pitfalls lie ahead.

 

Should I lie to her and say "I love you"?

 

Should I be going out with a girl my age rather than a 32 year old?

 

I'd appreciate any thoughts and comments on my situation.

 

Thank you,

DotMasta

[Israfil]

This is the problem:

 

I have to admit in all honesty that I'm not in love - or atleast that I don't feel "love" in the way I expect/hope to.

 

Not this:

 

12 years difference between us.

 

The strength of your feelings for her is the issue, not her age.

 

Should I lie to her and say "I love you"?

 

No!

This can be extremely damaging. Don't tell people what you think they want to hear in an effort to placate them. This will only cause future heartache.

 

Should I be going out with a girl my age rather than a 32 year old?

 

Again, age is not the issue, but rather what sort of relationship you are after. If you are interested in a long term relationship, then date someone with whom you could potentially sustain a meaningful love. And it seems that it is not this woman.

 

Best to break it off now before other things get broken.

[lindya]

For her the issue of age is a substantial one

 

I'm not surprised.

 

I personally don't care that there are about 12 years difference between us.

 

I'm sure that right now you're living out many a 20 year old male's fantasy

 

As far as I'm concerned the only thing that matters is that we get along really well, both physically

 

That happens with men in their early 20s and women in their early 30s

 

and intellectually

 

Given the age gap of 12 years, whenever you open your mouth, you're almost bound say something she's heard 100 times before. She's not going to tell you that, because she's busy boosting your ego in the nurturing way that women do with younger lovers.

 

I know what I'm going to do - continue my great relationship with this fantastic woman and learn as much as possible. But I'd like to understand why there is no stronger feeling within me

 

I think rather than you understanding why there's no stronger feeling within you, the priority should be honesty with your girlfriend. Making it abundantly clear to her that your feelings don't run very deep - and that the bottom line is, you're just using her as a safe practice run for a real relationship.

 

Should I lie to her and say "I love you"?

 

Why? What would that achieve?

 

Should I be going out with a girl my age rather than a 32 year old?

 

It's certainly something to think about. I think it was very wrong of her to lie to you about her age. She set herself up a bit there. Doesn't mean, however, that it's okay for you to use her in the way you're doing.

 

There's a bit age gap, and it DOES matter. It matters to her, because she's clearly got emotionally embroiled now and deep down she'll know it's leading nowhere. It doesn't matter to you because you're using the relationship primarily for sex and as a growing up and "learning" experience.

 

It's highly unlikely that you'll be taking much real stick from your friends for going out with an older woman. In fact, they're probably quite envious. She, on the other hand, will be finding this hard to live down amongst her friends. You're barely out of your teens, after all. I think you have to really have a talk with this lady, be 100% honest about what you're looking for from this situation - and ask her to be equally honest about what she's looking for from it.

[JayKay]

I totally agree with the other posters here.

 

I don't know what you're hoping to accomplish by lying to someone and telling them you have deeper feelings that you do.

 

She will end up feeling used and betrayed and foolish.

 

Maybe look beyond the benefits that YOU'RE reaping from this relationship and consider her needs a little.

 

That would be the mature, intellectual thing to do.

[DotMasta]

Interesting comments all around, thanks for your replies.

 

Israfil - An excellent post, I cannot imagine a better analysed and constructive reply to my original post.

 

Just to make it clear - I don't lie about things like love, that's just not something I would do. I asked the question because I am feeling slightly pressured to say "I love you" since she has said it to me a few times, and I wanted to see whether anyone would advocate lying about it.

 

One important point to note that may have not come across in my original post: I can honestly say that I have had more fun with this girl than with any other.

 

lindya - You seem to have somehow extrapolated some very specific, very wrong ideas of my relationship, including:

1) I have nothing interesting to talk about with a woman who is 12 years older than me

2) She's constantly boosting my ego

3) I'm using her for sex and as "safe practise run for real relationship" etc.

4) I feel justified in using her because she lied to me about her age

 

I'd love to argue about them, but the fact is you haven't constructed any viable arguments to support them - are these ideas and generalisations from personal experience? Do you have a crystal ball and can see what I talk and think about?

 

But your final sentence has merit - I can easily explain what I'm looking for: a woman who is a fantastic companion through life. Someone I can talk to, laugh with, share interests and experiences - someone I find attractive and with whom I am sexually compatible. She is that woman - that's why she's my girlfriend - I want to be with her. Do you really think I'd continue this relationship if all I wanted was sex and practise? I'm now more than 1300 kilometres away from her, for 10 weeks, you might like to re-think that.

 

She's made it clear to me that she wants to be with me, despite the age difference. I think that she wants someone she can spend a really good time with - someone who stimulates her mind and body. Isn't that what we all want?

 

Amazing how you, lindya, managed to pick out all the potentially evil ways I could take advantage of the relationship I've outlined - without even answering my core question:

I want to know why I'm lacking feeling when everything is so good with this girl.

 

Thanks but no thanks, I refuse to be judged on my conduct by someone who has no idea about my relationship or my motives.

 

JayKay - I don't lie about love, I never said I would, I was asking a question.

 

I don't quite understand this:

Maybe look beyond the benefits that YOU'RE reaping from this relationship and consider her needs a little.

 

That would be the mature, intellectual thing to do.

 

Please elaborate, I'm not sure what you're getting at. Am I getting more out of this relationship than she is?

 

Thanks,

DotMasta

[lindya]

Amazing how you, lindya, managed to pick out all the potentially evil ways I could take advantage of the relationship I've outlined - without even answering my core question: I want to know why I'm lacking feeling when everything is so good with this girl.

 

And I guess that I want to know why, when you lack feelings for her, you're carrying on this relationship.

 

I can appreciate that you might have come here to indulge in a bit of navel gazing and invite other people to analyse The Dotmasta. Some people, myself being one, will be less interested in you and more concerned about the welfare of this woman you're considering lying about your feelings to. After all, doesn't she deserve a little consideration? This fantastic woman who doesn't inspire deep feelings within you, but can provide an important learning experience?

 

Rather than getting all het up about me making judgements, I suggest you print off your post and read it in about 15 years time. As to what to do about the girl...well, if you believe that feelings for a person can be magicked up from thin air, then I guess you'd best ask Loveshackers for some advice on how one goes about doing that. Best of luck.

[morrigan]

I want to know why I'm lacking feeling when everything is so good with this girl.

 

No one else can answer that for you--there's no universal equation or a timetable for a person to be in love. She may be a fabulous person, but the chemistry for a serious relationship just isn't there on your part.

 

Have you ever had feelings for someone who thought you were attractive and enjoyed being with you, but was in no way in love with you? Be honest about how you feel and give her right to decide if she wants to keep dating you or not.

[DotMasta]

And I guess that I want to know why, when you lack feelings for her, you're carrying on this relationship.

Somehow lindya, you manage again to misunderstand what I write, or perhaps you don't even read it.

 

I carry on with this relationship because I immensely enjoy spending time with her, and because I would want nothing more than to fall in love with her. Some of my friends tell me it may come with time, some say if there's nothing amazing now, it'll never come. I'm trying to get some more opinions.

 

this woman you're considering lying about your feelings to.

Where on earth do you get the idea from that I would consider doing that? In my previous post I tried to state as clearly as possible that that is something I would never do, a part you must have missed.

 

I get

het up about me making judgements

because you paint the picture that I couldn't care less about my girlfriend, and am only using her - without any justification whatsoever.

 

Sit back for a sec and ask yourself: Why do you think I want to know why I am not feeling the strong surge of emotions I associate with attachment, love, attraction?

 

Because I want to feel them for this girl.

 

I can appreciate that you might have come here to indulge in a bit of navel gazing and invite other people to analyse The Dotmasta.

I'm not interested in anyone analysing me, I'm looking for discussion with clever minds about an important and touchy topic.

 

morrigan - Thank you very much, a good point, and well made.

 

I have definitely experienced unrequited love, but I've never really been in the situation I am now - in a great relationship with a woman I share a lot of interests and mind-blowing intimate moments. I have never had such a good, almost picturesque, relationship - and from what I hear a lot of people have really crappy relationships.

 

So my reasoning is: if it's basically downhill from here, why not atleast wait a bit and see if some emotion stirs within me instead of calling it quits when both parties are having such a great time. This long-distance thing may be just what the love search party ordered. Remember the saying: "you only value something once you've lost it"?

 

Thanks,

DotMasta

[JayKay]

Hi Dotmasta

 

What I meant when I said 'look beyond your own needs' is exactly that.

 

You would like to continue the relationship because you are benefitting from it.

You get the fun, companionship and let's face....the sense of power that comes from being the desired one.

 

She on the other hand is in the subordinate role; on some level she realizes that you don't feel the same way (trust me, woman always know) and is feeling some kind of emotional pain because of that.

 

You stated, "What bothers me is the lack of feeling I have..."

 

It bothers you precisely because you know she feels differently than you do. If you were both friends-with-benefits and nothing more, your conciousness would not be tweaking you.

 

You asked, "Do I lie to her and tell her I love her?" in your first post... so I am curious that you're surprised some might extrapolate from that, "He intends to lie to her..."

 

 

Tell her; "I'm not in love with you. I'm sorry. I don't know why I don't feel differently. You're an amazing person. But I just don't"

 

You might 'wish' you could fall in love, but you can't force these things. Let her make her own decisions from there. She is probably seeking a different level of commitment than you are. She doesn't need to learn all the things about life you do -- she is ready to fall in love and settle down, I gather.

[lindya]

Sit back for a sec and ask yourself: Why do you think I want to know why I am not feeling the strong surge of emotions I associate with attachment, love, attraction?...I'm not interested in anyone analysing me, I'm looking for discussion with clever minds about an important and touchy topic.

 

If it's a touchy subject now, imagine how much touchier it could get in a couple of years?

 

I might be p1ssing you off, but what I say will be nothing compared to what she'll have to say if and when she finds out that she's been sleeping with and opening her heart to someone who's done his best to fall in love with her, but just can't quite do it.

 

Imagine 4 years from now that you've tried and tried to fall in love with her. At the back of your mind, it's always niggled at you that you don't quite have the feelings you hoped you would have for your partner, but there seem to be so many good things about the relationship - and about her - that it would be a shame to finish it. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Then suddenly you meet a woman who you do have those feelings for.

 

You'll have to have a big, difficult talk with your girlfriend. "You're a wonderful woman X. You're fun, you're sexy, you're beautiful...there's nothing to criticise....but somehow I just don't feel it for you the way I feel with Y - and believe me, it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she's the same age as me. She's just more on my wavelength. I'm not the same guy that I was at 20. I've learned so much from our relationship. I'll never forget you."

 

Do you think you'll be able to find words or a way of rationalising the situation in a manner that will stop her from feeling angry, hurt, foolish and used? Think very carefully about what you're doing here - and don't simply dismiss generalisations about the older woman/younger man scenario until you're very sure that they're not, in fact, harsh realities. You'll be pleased to know I've said all I'm going to on this. Genuinely, I hope it works out.

[westernxer]

Should I lie to her and say "I love you"?

 

No, even though people lie about this all the time.

 

Just tell her you're not looking for commitment. This will make her try harder, until you finally dump her for good.

 

I can see where this is heading...

[NatoPMT]

Dotmasta - I am 10 years older than my boyfriend, he was 22 when i met him and we have been together for 2 years.

 

My personal feeling is that you should relax and see what happens and where this takes you. My concern is that you are trying to understand your feelings before you feel them. You have only been together a short period of time so at this stage, you shouldnt know if shes 'right' for you, or a contender for The One, but you should know by now if she definately isnt. As long as she is happy with the here and now at this stage - but any relationship regardless of age should be 'here and now' after this short period of time - its not unreasonable to get to know each other over a good 6 months or so before thinking you want to turn things up a notch. I wouldnt do the 'i love you's' until a good 4-5 months in - and i am 34, you dont know who you are saying it to!

 

Otherwise, potential reasons for you not 'feeling it' are....?

 

1) You havent spent enough time together yet

2) Is she putting any pressure on you to make decisions before you know?

3) Even though things are good, you have genuine reasons for holding back a) distance b) her lying to you when you first met so it maybe that you are being more realistic about this than you realise

 

Its not uncommon but also not that common that a person ends up with someone forever after meeting at age 20, this could go anywhere, you have no idea what to expect yet.

 

If its any help, i am very happy with my bf as he is with me. However, a surprisingly wise male friend told me to make sure my bf did all the chasing and i remained cooler than i usually would. This served to underline to my bf, and confirm for him that he wanted me - if you think you want someone, you start wanting them. Which is pretty much what westernxer said.

 

BB

[NatoPMT]

"Some of my friends tell me it may come with time, some say if there's nothing amazing now, it'll never come. I'm trying to get some more opinions."

 

You should know now you want to find out more, but the less you give up now and hold on to give up later, the better it is when you do give it up later. Emotionally and physically.

 

For me thats a cardinal rule for all relationships - dont hold back in letting someone know you want them and want to build things, but dont build them until its right to do so. I am always seeing people fall head over heels to find out down the line the person they fell for is blatantly incompatible. The age diff is just one more hurdle to get over, but its not the main hurdle by any stretch of the imagination. Honesty honesty honesty all the way - communication is the only way any relationship will ever work, throw yourself into your relationship - but only to the degree that is appropriate for your situation at that time. You sound to me like you have your head screwed on well, listent o your head and not to people telling you that if its not there now it never will be. How many people are friends for years then gradually fall in love?

[Audix]

Older woman, younger man. A murky area indeed.

 

People in that relationship will paint a rosy picture. People who've been burned by such a relationship in the past will tell you a different story. Everyone's relationship is an exception to the rule until it's over. You wanted to know the potential pitfalls, but it looks like you only want the sanitized Disneyworld version.

 

Maybe in ten years time you'll look back and say "yeah actually. She was a learning experience. All relationships are." Problem is that when it's a younger man learning from an older woman, there's a more clearly defined element of "using" going on, even if neither person sees it at the time. There's also a woman whose biological clock will be winding down at just about the time you might suddenly decide you're ready to start a family.

 

She'll be waiting on you to grow up. Problem is, when you do grow up you might just find that you've outgrown her. Go into this with your eyes wide open. Know that you're only 20, and that however much of a smart fellow you might be in college and however many books you might have read, you really don't know much about life.

 

Know that the longer this goes on and the more attached your girl gets to you, the more likely she is to end up hating you once it does end. In Hollywood, the older lady/younger man is a beautiful, meaningful coming of age experience. A source of fond memories for both people involved. In real life, it can destroy people if it goes on too long. Most usually the woman.

 

Be careful. Set a clear time limit here. Six months maybe? if you're not feeling it for her by then, stop wasting her time. Even if she says she wants it to be wasted.

[DotMasta]

BigBelm - I'm very thankful for your posts, they are finally something in the right direction! Your experience with such a similar situation and way of thinking are true guidance.

 

I suppose I'm trying to understand my feelings because my gf has made her feelings for me very clear, but I'm not going to ever be pressured into making any important decision hastily. I think she's insightful enough to realise that if she would pressure me, it would simply scare me away.

 

I find your opinions and ideas are very compatible with my perspectives - there are a few points I have to make though, to clarify some things.

 

I personally see it as being fairly normal that women of a certain age lie about their age - or wish it not to be discussed. A lot of women under 18 say they're older than they actually are, and women above 25 reverse the age difference. Even though I think it's pretty sad to lie about your age, I can understand why some women do it - it could stem from society's need for attractiveness in women and the consistently beautiful, young portrayal of women in media. The pressure to look young and good, basically.

 

First I was very surprised when I heard her true age, and then I was full of praise for her honesty. I'm sure she could have kept the idea of her being 25 going for a long time, but she chose (quite early on too) not to.

 

You sound to me like you have your head screwed on well, listen to your head and not to people telling you that if its not there now it never will be.

Thanks, I certainly hope my head stays screwed on.

 

I see my general thought process concerning this whole topic validated by your words, especially since you're in an informed position in a similar situation.

 

Thanks,

DotMasta

[amber245]

20 is still young. Maybe not feeling love very soon and hopding it will grow is the best way for older people in their 30s. Young people like to feel love very quickly and that is normal. Maybe you should split up with this lady for a while as you are not living in the same country as her. If it's right then you will get back together. If it's not right then you will hopefully both find the right people.

 

I agree with Westerner. She will know deep down that you don't love her so she will keep trying to make you love her, and then it will be even more horrible for her if you get bored and dump her, because she has tried so hard. If she's such a nice person then you want to be specially careful not to hurt her.

[lindya]

BigBelm I see my general thought process concerning this whole topic validated by your words, especially since you're in an informed position in a similar situation.

 

I know I said I wouldn't say any more, but...

 

I guess I've attacked you, because reading your post was a bit like listening to my ex talk The age gap there wasn't as large as yours is, but it was significant nonetheless. I think in my previous posts I was perhaps talking to him rather than to you.

 

It was unfair of me to suggest that every time you speak, you will say something your girlfriend has heard before. On the other hand, you can surely see that given her age she's bound to have a much larger knowledge base than you - if the two of you really are intellectual equals.

 

It's difficult to be the older woman in a relationship like this, and it was only with extremely painful hindsight that I appreciated how damaging it can be. You're making allowances all the time; often without being conscious of it. "When I was his age, I had the freedom to do X, Y and Z - so who am I to deny him that same freedom?" "He's making an intellectual discovery that he's bursting with excitement to tell me all about. I'm not going to burst his bubble by saying 'I read that years ago.'" You keep quiet. He thinks you know less than you know. A few years down he wonders why you didn't know those things, and assumes it's because you're not as smart as he once thought.

 

Women work very hard and often make huge allowances in their relationships. Much more than most men know. Certainly, more than the majority of men in their early twenties can appreciate. I can only talk from my own experience here, but I'd say that in the older woman/younger man situation it's very difficult to avoid making allowances to a level that a woman in her thirties shouldn't really be making in a healthy adult relationship.

 

You have to make your own mistakes, and so does your girlfriend. The more other people tell you that this is unworkable, the more the two of you might feel like banding together against the world and proving it wrong - when what you should be doing is focusing on keeping good communication going between you and being as honest as you can with eachother.

 

Maybe it is workable. It's working out for BigBelm after all. Just keep your eyes open and remember that some people's bad experiences can be as valid as other people's good ones, though perhaps less comfortable to hear.

[NatoPMT]

Glad I can offer some perspective Dotmasta.

 

“I suppose I'm trying to understand my feelings because my gf has made her feelings for me very clear, but I'm not going to ever be pressured into making any important decision hastily. I think she's insightful enough to realise that if she would pressure me, it would simply scare me away.”

 

Spot on, she’s not stupid, so she will know that any man (in general) would freak at having The Discussion too early. Anyone that forces love too early could have something to hide – a typical commitment phobic response to meeting a new partner is to get full on very early then back off quickly after discovering reasons for incompatability – real or imagined. My advice is:

 

“dont hold back in letting someone know you want them and want to build things, but don’t build them until its right to do so.”

 

Just because she’s making her feelings known, doesn’t mean you have to be gathered up in the momentum and be cornered into saying the same when its too early. If you take the lead in timing this right & appropriately, then she will have a lot of respect for you as a result and not fall into the mother role that was mentioned by earlier posters. I was held back by my partner as I have to admit, I knew from day 1 he could be special, and he was so cautious at first that I was very well behaved. I feel that set the tone for & enabled my bf to be in a more masculine role than a lot of men find themselves in. I would never nag him, stop him doing what he wants to do, demand things from him or even snipe or bicker because I have so much respect for the way he did things early on. And I am ashamed to say I have been guilty of that in the past.

 

“I personally see it as being fairly normal that women of a certain age lie about their age - or wish it not to be discussed.”

 

That’s good that you don’t feel that its affected your feelings. I personally wouldn’t lie, but my bf told me he was older than he was, I rumbled him when we talked about what Chinese year we were born in but it certainly didn’t change how I viewed him. It didn’t bother me either, but it would bother some.

 

Amber:

 

“20 is still young. Maybe not feeling love very soon and hopding it will grow is the best way for older people in their 30s. Young people like to feel love very quickly and that is normal.”

 

Yes, 20 is young. But….it was me that wanted to feel love quicker than my bf, and Dotmasta has a very similar way of thinking to him from what I have read. So maybe its normal for me & you to want to feel love quickly, or most people, but I really feel that some people are more sensible than others. Dotmasta has said

 

“I see my general thought process concerning this whole topic validated by your words”

 

So supporting my assumptions that he’s a bit more savvy about this than most 20 year olds would be.

 

“She will know deep down that you don't love her so she will keep trying to make you love her, and then it will be even more horrible for her if you get bored and dump her, because she has tried so hard.”

 

He doesn’t know if he loves her yet. He Just has to be honest as my first few lines of this post – there’s a possibility that she wont be able to handle hearing ‘I’m not in love yet but I want to find out if I can be”. If she cant handle that, then they may well split up – but give the girl a chance! If she can’t handle that, its nothing to do with his age, its more to do with her possible insecurity of NEEDING love now, now, now.

 

“It was unfair of me to suggest that every time you speak, you will say something your girlfriend has heard before.” – that’s true Lindya, it was a touch unfair – my bf says things that astound me. And make me laugh like a looney, and make me think about things I hadn’t previously thought about. Dotmasta doesn’t sound like a fool to me.

 

“"When I was his age, I had the freedom to do X, Y and Z - so who am I to deny him that same freedom?" That’s something they will have to agree between them, DM can’t just assume things and neither can she, they HAVE to be honest about everything. But this is par for the course with all relationships, there are specifics that an age gaps causes, but they haven’t been issues for me as I have refused to think of things as issues. Dotmasta, just don’t allow either of you to pigeon hole things or its easier to put age gap labels on them. This is about you two and not your ages.

 

BB

[lindya]

they HAVE to be honest about everything. But this is par for the course with all relationships, there are specifics that an age gaps causes, but they haven’t been issues for me as I have refused to think of things as issues. Dotmasta, just don’t allow either of you to pigeon hole things or its easier to put age gap labels on them. This is about you two and not your ages.

 

BB

 

That's always the most difficult bit. Before you can be honest with the other person about what you're thinking and feeling about a relationship, you have to really know that yourself. You also have to be prepared to listen to the other person's concerns, even if you don't share them.

 

If the age gap is not an issue for Dotmasta, then he'll perhaps be in a better position to help his girlfriend explore the fears or concerns that she apparently has about being 12 years older. Him saying it's not an issue won't necessarily stop it from being an issue for her.

 

I apologise again, Dotmasta, for reacting so strongly to your post. I do feel bad about that, because generally I try to avoid being too judgemental (though that can be difficult on these boards at times). If the age gap didn't bother your girlfriend, then that would be all well and good. From what you say, however, it does bother her. I think that if you want to have open channels of communication between you then it's vital that you can enable her to explore those concerns a bit.

[amber245]

“I see my general thought process concerning this whole topic validated by your words”

 

Is that a posh way to say glad you agree with me?

[Topper]

There is so much here that we just don't know about this relationship. What is this woman's past? Is she on the rebound? Is she seeking to somehow recapture her 20's in dating then saying I love you to this 20 year old guy? It could be a very real and healthy relationship. The truth is only time will tell.

Dotmasta, You sound like a pretty mature 20 year old guy. I do commend you in not telling her you also love her, when you don't

You said you met while you were on Holiday? That can bea very romantic time and all That romance all that free time to spend with each other can lead someone to think they are in love when what they really feel is all the effects of all that great romance. Again only time will tell if this was just a summer Fling or the real thing. Now that your apart that might just ad another element to the romantic drama. I'm not saying that this isa doomed romance But history shows that most of these type of things end. Don't be surprised that when the two of you meet again all the wonderful feeling and passion have past. Be grateful for what you have had.

[DotMasta]

If she cant handle that, then they may well split up – but give the girl a chance!

 

Exactamundo. Why spoil a great time in life with mere words. It's actions that count - I can't imagine spending more good times with her is a crime against honesty - it's up to each individual to decide when and how to express one's feelings.

 

If the age gap is not an issue for Dotmasta, then he'll perhaps be in a better position to help his girlfriend explore the fears or concerns that she apparently has about being 12 years older. Him saying it's not an issue won't necessarily stop it from being an issue for her.

 

The thing is, we talked through her ideas about the age difference, and it's clear that they're all outside factors - some pressure from parents to settle down and get married with a rich man of her age and status (she's a baroness you see - I'm not kidding), plus the usual laws of convention and the "higher" society's unwritten rules.

 

Fortunately she's brought the whole thing down to one point: she enjoys spending time with me more than obeying these superficial and unimportant restrictions.

 

For me all that matters is that she's a really cool person in my eyes - her age is just a number, as is mine. The interactions we have with each other are very stimulating and interesting - that's not something you get very often. To create a barrier out of thin air when two people connect so well is just plain stupid.

 

I found what you said about women making allowances intruiging. I enjoy the fact that my girlfriend generally knows more than I do about specific topics and has seen more of life. Intelligence is very attractive.

 

Is that a posh way to say glad you agree with me?

That was me saying "now I'm sure I'm on the right track" - what BigBelm said fit in with what I was thinking all along.

 

You said you met while you were on Holiday?

Not quite, I met her in Vienna, the place I would consider my "home" on this earth. I was between second and third year of university - summer holidays are about 3 months long and now I have 8 more weeks of uni before going back again.

 

Nonetheless the idea of it just being a summer fling did occur to me, but I think I should not jump to conclusions that have no supporting evidence at the moment. It's her birthday soon and I'll be back for a weekend then .

 

That reminds me... gotta think of a birthday present...

 

DotMasta

[lindya]

That reminds me... gotta think of a birthday present...

 

Now that's what I like to hear Good luck with everything.

[NatoPMT]

Before you can be honest with the other person about what you're thinking and feeling about a relationship, you have to really know that yourself.

 

I do agree with that - thats why i suggested saying "i dont know how i feel yet, but i do know i want to find out"

 

A baroness's birthday? Take her down the chippy & get extra mushy peas. Thats my suggestion

[Aimée]

I think relationships with a big age gap are ok, but what makes me suspicious is that a woman of 32 years is falling head over heels for a 20 year old guy without even having any doubts about the age difference and potential maturity issues. She has fallen for you after a couple of weeks? At her age? And she hasn't even checked out what you feel for her? Any woman her age who has her act together would be aware that people in their twenties are still eager to experience life, they are young and it's their prerogative to experiment and enjoy what life brings, if she's not completely stupid, she would guard her feelings and make sure somehow that her feelings are reciprocated before she gets into this romantic mood where you picture your future babies.

 

Also, if you were such a mature guy despite your age who has the potential to be a good mate for an older woman, how come you are even considering the possibility of lying to her about your feelings?