Seeing married man

[Marina95]

So I have been seeing someone for five months. During our third date, this man told me he was married but was now divorcing.

I believed him, however recently he went home to his native country (he's a foreigner) for a holiday.

 

As soon as his plane landed, he cut nearly all contact with me, and during those two weeks just replied to my messages irregularly, sometimes he would disappear for 2-3 days. He also sent me pictures from some family gathering with his wedding ring back on! He says this is just to pretend in front of his relatives and friends that his marriage is all right, as he is not ready to tell everyone about upcoming divorce.

 

Now he is back, he still keeps seeing me, but also communicates with his wife every day via messenger and whatsapp. I have no idea what they talk about as I don’t know their language, plus his phone is locked with a pin code. Sometimes he receives calls from her but never picks up the phone in front of me. When he goes to the toilet, he always takes his phone with him. Also, their social media accounts are full of their wedding and other lovey photos (some posted 6 years ago, some newer), he is not gonna delete them as I see, even though he claims they are separated.

 

So I cannot get it, am I his girlfriend or just a mistress? My friends are saying it is highly likely I am a mistress, and even though I feel quite weird due to the way our relationship is going, there are some 'grey areas.' Here are the questions about them, could anyone please try to explain those:

 

1. In this country in which we both live, we often meet at his uncle’s house, so in case he is still in his relationship, why doesn’t his uncle tell him to stop cheating and bringing me to his home? Why doesn't he inform the wife?

 

2. He doesn't hide me from his friends and colleagues-if he's a cheater, why? Isn't he afraid that someone will tell the wife, then she will come over here and rip his head off?

 

3. His wife doesn’t need a visa to start living here, so why can't she join him? They have no kids, by the way, so she should be free to go if she wants.

What should I do? He is not telling me anything about his wife or divorce, his uncle also keeps silence, but he is always very nice to me though... Isn't it a fact they two are not together anymore?

Edited November 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added paragraphs/spacing

[BaileyB]

So I cannot get it, am I his girlfriend or just a mistress?

 

Marina, does it really matter? This man clearly lied to you, and he has a wife... married men are not supposed to date. What you chose to call yourself is simply semantics at this point...

 

What should I do? Isn't it a fact they two are not together anymore?

 

No, in fact - all evidence to the contrary.

 

There are enough red flags here to have a parade. Chose to ignore the red flags - all of which you have properly laid out in your post - at your own risk.

 

One simple truth you need to understand - if he is not divorced, he is still married.

 

Separated = still married...

 

And truthfully, it doesn’t even sound like he is separated.

 

Despite whatever HE may try to tell you... He’s wearing his ring, communicating with his wife, visiting her and their families, and limiting all contact with you while he is with her - friend, if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... it’s not a cow.

 

What should you do? I know what I would do... I would lose this guys number. I’m not inclined to chase rainbows - and I don’t date married men.

[d0nnivain]

You are just his mistress.

 

Go date somebody who is available to date you back.

[mark clemson]

My friends are saying it is highly likely I am a mistress...

 

I think they're right that it's highly likely.

 

...why doesn’t his uncle tell him to stop cheating and bringing me to his home?...He doesn't hide me from his friends and colleagues-if he's a cheater, why? Isn't he afraid that someone will tell the wife, then she will come over here and rip his head off?

 

3. His wife doesn’t need a visa to start living here, so why can't she join him?

 

Who knows, perhaps he and the uncle have a "don't tell" arrangement. Perhaps he is incautious and not thinking about what the friends may do. As to the wife not coming, perhaps there is some reason he isn't telling you.

 

What should I do?

 

It's not 100% sure he's not divorcing, although I certainly wouldn't bet any money on it. If you don't want to take the risk that this has been one big lie or that he might go back, then end it or put it on hold until you can confirm they are fully divorced (that might take a while).

[pepperbird]

op,

Your mm sounds just like my brother. He travels a huge amount for business, and he has well, let's just call these ladies "friendly ports" in every city he stays in...he's also engaged and prepping for his third marriage to one of his mistresses, all while still sneaking around.

 

I love my brother, but refuse to have anything to do with his nonsense. Some of the women know he's engaged or married, and don't care, he's told others his marriage is over even when he was still married and still others don't know he was ever married at all.

[Lisa_Lisa]

Please stay away from this man, he will bring you nothing but confusion, heartache, and misery. Go within yourself and tell yourself you deserve more.

I'm not going to bash you about self-esteem (that would hurt your feelings), but you must remember that what you're accepting will hurt you. He can't/won't give you what you want.

[pepperbird]

op,

I mentioned my brother, and I have often wondered if he really loves and of the women he's seeing.ad to say, I don't think he does. That's not their fault , and i don't know why he does this. It could be he feels empty inside and is trying to fill that, I have no idea.

 

What I do know if I don't think he'll ever be happy being with just one woman, and because he's like that, it never occurs to him that other people are. It may well be like that for the MM you are involved with. He simply not be capable of being who you want/need him to be. It's not a reflection on you, but on him.

 

You've posted on here, and right now, and you have some really important choices to make. Are you happy with this guy? If not, are the good times worth the bad? Do you feel like you are slowly losing yourself in the affair?

[Marina95]

I know that the things we do are very wrong... however, when we first met, I believed he was divorcing, plus when I checked her pictures on the internet.. I found out that she is not a very attractive lady if you compare her with me. I am younger, slimmer, taller, I have thicker hair, straighter teeth and nicer face-all of my friends said that! I don't want to start talking nasty things about her, I am writing the truth now!

 

And yet despite this, he is still choosing not to leave her. Why? What is attracting him to her that much? Does he love her? Probably no because he is cheating... when you truly love someone, you only do what is best for them...

[BaileyB]

I know that the things we do are very wrong... however, when we first met, I believed he was divorcing

 

Fair enough, but now you know that he is not. With that information, you can now make a different decision.

 

What he did was wrong, that’s on him. But the “I thought he was divorcing” excuse is only good for so long... at a certain point, you made the decision to stay with a married man. That’s on you.

 

plus when I checked her pictures on the internet.. I found out that she is not a very attractive lady if you compare her with me. I am younger, slimmer, taller, I have thicker hair, straighter teeth and nicer face-all of my friends said that!

 

Doesn’t matter. You could be the most beautiful woman in the world, but she still wears his ring. Life is funny that way - what you think you deserve and what you get are not often the same...

 

And yet despite this, he is still choosing not to leave her. Why? What is attracting him to her that much? Does he love her?

 

It doesn’t matter. Whatever the reason, he chooses to take as his wife. It’s not for you to question, or even understand why... Their relationship is none your business - given that he is her husband and you have inserted yourself in their marriage. YOU are the person who is not where they belong...

 

OP, are you really trying to reason the fact that you want this man to leave his wife for you. What do we know about him - he it’s lied to you both proving he is not to be trusted, and he has cheated on his wife (at least once, maybe more). He is no great catch. Surely you are not going to dig your heels in and fight for this guy like he is the only man available... You have better sense than that, I hope.

[mark clemson]

I know that the things we do are very wrong... however, when we first met, I believed he was divorcing...

 

^^^^ agree with Bailey. If you know this, then you know what to do!

 

 

I am younger, slimmer, taller, I have thicker hair, straighter teeth and nicer face-all of my friends said that!

 

Good for you! You should have little trouble finding an honest and available man to date instead...

 

 

And yet despite this, he is still choosing not to leave her. Why? What is attracting him to her that much? ...

 

There are many possible reasons and the laws in his original country regarding spousal support post-divorce may be one of them.

 

Simple inertia may also be a reason.

 

I think you know what you should do.

[stillafool]

Your friends are correct. You are a mistress and I doubt seriously he is going to divorce his wife. Now that you know this what are you going to do?

[assertives]

she is not a very attractive lady if you compare her with me. I am younger, slimmer, taller, I have thicker hair, straighter teeth and nicer face-all of my friends said that! I don't want to start talking nasty things about her, I am writing the truth now!

 

And yet despite this, he is still choosing not to leave her. Why? What is attracting him to her that much? Does he love her? Probably no because he is cheating... when you truly love someone, you only do what is best for them...

 

Physical attraction is subjective, and love and attraction is not always about outward appearances. People can be attracted different things and traits of a person, like the way they smile, the way they carry themselves, the feeling you get when they look at you, their personalities, their energy levels, etc. Stop criticizing her looks and analysing their marriage. All you need to know now is that he is very much married, and you shouldn't get involved with him further until he comes to you with divorce papers in hand.

[DOLS]

You are his mistress. It doesn't matter whatever he says about his wife - and even if it's true that doesn't change the fact that he is still married which makes you a mistress.

 

Also if they really are going to divorce then why would he need to wear his wedding ring in order to assure his family that they are fine? They are going to divorce anyway so why do they need to pretend?

 

 

1. In this country in which we both live, we often meet at his uncle’s house, so in case he is still in his relationship, why doesn’t his uncle tell him to stop cheating and bringing me to his home? Why doesn't he inform the wife?

That is a red flag. It could be that he is serial cheater; a natural womanizer. Everyone around him knew about it, his family and his friends. Which means, you are not the first one he brought to his uncle's house.

 

2. He doesn't hide me from his friends and colleagues-if he's a cheater, why? Isn't he afraid that someone will tell the wife, then she will come over here and rip his head off?

Again, that just means that they are used to it. This is not the first time he did it. Not the first time they saw him with another woman.

 

3. His wife doesn’t need a visa to start living here, so why can't she join him? They have no kids, by the way, so she should be free to go if she wants.

There could be a lot of reason. She might be used to his kind of set up: Him traveling for work, being gone for sometime - this kind of lifestyle didn't destroyed their marriage.

She probably have a job in their country.

Who knows they may actually have children or her parents needs her attention too.

 

What should I do? He is not telling me anything about his wife or divorce, his uncle also keeps silence, but he is always very nice to me though... Isn't it a fact they two are not together anymore?

Just because he is nice to you doesn't mean he loves you. He need to be nice,,, would you stay with him is he is a bad person?

 

 

What should you do? Stop.

Do not waste your time on him. You could find someone else. Stop before you fall deeper.

Edited November 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[stillafool]

 

And yet despite this, he is still choosing not to leave her. Why? What is attracting him to her that much? Does he love her? Probably no because he is cheating... when you truly love someone, you only do what is best for them...

 

Well he chose this woman as his wife, shopped for a ring, asked to marry her and did so in front of family and friends. It isn't easy for him to throw her away and if he is capable of love out of all of his other women she would be the one he loves. My brother was like Pepperbirds where he would have one affair after another on his wife. He told me that out of all the OW he always wished it was his wife he was doing and that her reaction to him was like that of the OW. Even though they are divorced today he still isn't over her. You never know what is on their minds you just have to watch their actions. Every day looks are fading as we are all aging from the time we're born. It's a deep emotional connection that makes one unforgettable.

[LIRR88]

I know that the things we do are very wrong... however, when we first met, I believed he was divorcing, plus when I checked her pictures on the internet.. I found out that she is not a very attractive lady if you compare her with me. I am younger, slimmer, taller, I have thicker hair, straighter teeth and nicer face-all of my friends said that! I don't want to start talking nasty things about her, I am writing the truth now!

 

And yet despite this, he is still choosing not to leave her. Why? What is attracting him to her that much? Does he love her? Probably no because he is cheating... when you truly love someone, you only do what is best for them...

 

Oh sweetie I could tell you the exact same thing. MM’s wife got nothing on me, from looks to education status, I am the clear upgrade, however she’s got the ring, the house, shares his bed every night, has him all the time, something I never will. Clearly looks gets you nowhere in this situation.

[PhoenixRising8]

You preach sister! So true ... clear upgrade here too but he chose her to marry and her to stay with. It is what it is. Who is prettier, smarter, more successful, thinner, whatever matters not. They have a connection and history an OW can never compete with and it's a fools game to try. Getting in the middle of a marriage is a recipe for disaster, mostly for the OW.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are definitely the OW. And you're probably not the only one, either. He's pretty comfortable with infidelity, which strongly suggests he's done this before and perhaps has another Marina on the go right now, too.

 

Why he chooses to stay married is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that is he is choosing to stay married.

Edited November 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[FMW]

As has been suggested, stop judging his wife's appearance and making guesses about their marriage. It doesn't put you in a good light.

 

Since you feel you are a clear upgrade to his wife then it should be easy for you to find someone better than him who is also available and unattached. Use your positive view of yourself to not accept less.

[pepperbird]

I always think guys like this must be really lonely, way deep down. It's as if they think someone else can fill that, when really, ti has to come from themselves.

 

 

 

op,

it's not your fault this guy is the way he is, but that also means that if you stay with him, you are going to have to accept a lot of behaviors in him that you don't like. Is he worth that to you?

[spiderowl]

In some countries, divorce brings shame on the whole family, so people do not divorce, they just live separate lives and when the family gets together they pretend.

 

It could be that he really does want to divorce his wife but daren't (for the above reasons). Regardless, he is keeping up a pretence at the moment and, quite honestly, is unlikely to change this.

 

Other men in such cultures understand the pressures and codes of conduct and may well keep quiet about what a friend or relative is doing.

 

Basically, you are just his mistress. He is unlikely to divorce his wife. His behaviour towards you, cutting off and so on, should be a clue to the pressures he is facing when with family. Family matters in cultures where 'honour' is everything.

 

I think you should drop this guy and do not believe him. This scenario is not as uncommon as you might think. He might want to get divorced but he probably won't. Are you prepared to be the hidden woman in his life for ever?

[S2B]

Now that you know he’s married do you plan to keep seeing him?