Should we break up

[Rht24]

I have been with my fiancé 8 years. I always knew he liked to drink and we have broken up because of it before but I saw a change and took him back. We got engaged and the inconsiderate behavior started again. He is very good to me in a lot of ways but this I cannot tolerate anymore. He goes out drinking and will text me early in the night then I don’t hear from him and he walks in at around 3am and goes right to the couch. I just moved in with him. About a month ago, he told me he was coming home and fell asleep at his brothers. I knew the next morning he had been drinking because I still smelled it. I talked to him and thought it was effective. A few weeks later, he told me he was going out for a drink around 10 when he texted me. He walked in at 330 went right to the couch and didn’t mention it the next day. I told him we are not getting married If this doesn’t change and mentioned couples counseling. He agreed. A week after that he was down at a town function and texted me at 8. Said he was talking to a few guys. He didn’t say when he would be home, but when I went to sleep at 1130 he wasn’t. When I woke up he was on the couch still in his clothes. I don’t know what to do. I have so much money in this wedding and I love him dearly. He is not abusive and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t cheat, but I lost trust in him In the past. He doesn’t drink every day. Maybe 1-2x a week but sometimes I noticed some weeks are more than others. He thinks because it is beer he doesn’t have a problem and because he works hard everyday it’s not an issue. All his friends are heavy drinkers. He is 35 years old and I know he is getting tired of me nagging him and always complaining about things he is not doing right. It’s leaking into other areas but that’s the main problem. I just don’t know anymore.he is very kind hearted but I’m starting to feel resentful and I know he is.

Edited November 6, 2019 by Rht24

[preraph]

When you know you have a problem with alcohol is when you are letting it interfere with the most important things and people in your life. He must be drinking a LOT of beer to be passing out on the couch.

 

I don't know what to tell you about the money for the wedding if it's already spent, but I agree this isn't something you want to live with and it's going to blow up. He doesn't want to quit drinking and isn't taking it seriously. It's okay to go out with friends, but maybe not twice a week without your partner and why can't they do something besides drink when they do see each other?

 

I just want you to think about this same behavior continuing once you have a baby to take care of and he's not even around and probably avoiding being home and staying gone even more. See if you can get any of the deposits back on the wedding stuff and postpone if possible.

[Lotsgoingon]

Dump him ... he's got a major drinking problem and really that's none of your business to fix ... He has to do that.

 

Dump him--yesterday.

 

Allowing him back into your life only taught him one thing: he can act crazy and then apologize and you'll take him back.

 

Dump him.

[Rht24]

Dump him ... he's got a major drinking problem and really that's none of your business to fix ... He has to do that.

 

Dump him--yesterday.

 

Allowing him back into your life only taught him one thing: he can act crazy and then apologize and you'll take him back.

 

Dump him.

 

I know this very naive, but when we get in a fight about it, he shuts down and won’t drink for days maybe weeks.Then I start to feel like I was overreacting because he doesn’t go to bars a lot or drink at home.

[Captivating]

I understand that you struggle with this decision because you love each other. However, this is a major problem that will interfere with family life, sane decision making when under the influence, at his job, raising children .... driving a car !!! .... he can put others' well being in jeopardy. Is he driving home drunk from the pubs ?!!! Now that is a problem, getting a DUI, not being able to drive, relying on others to take him to works, not getting certain jobs due to the DUI... etc.(Maybe it's partly peer pressure from other guys, he feels like a man) He needs help ! You need a last talk, then let him go if all fails

[assertives]

I know this very naive, but when we get in a fight about it, he shuts down and won’t drink for days maybe weeks.Then I start to feel like I was overreacting because he doesn’t go to bars a lot or drink at home.

 

Except, this is not real change. It will revert back when things are back to "normal". I'm sure by now you would have noticed how this is a cycle and at some point became a new normal. You need to honestly ask yourself if this is how he's going to be, are you okay living like this for the rest of your life? Don't stay with someone because of their potential. Stay with them because of who they are now. You are just wasting precious years of your life letting him drag you down. He needs to change for himself, and needs to want it for himself. Right now, it seems his "attempts" at any change is because you fought him about it.

 

Don't get married because it's expensive to waste the deposits and all. That's not a good reason to get married and definitely not a solid foundation for a lasting, healthy and fruitful marriage.

[S2B]

End it now. See if you can get any of your deposit money back. If you can’t consider it money well lost to obtain peace of mind.

 

He is willing to continually piss you off and cause you worry. That’s not loving behavior!

 

He is CHOOSING the alcohol over loving you. Stop making excuses for him - going a few days without drinking won’t fix this.

 

If you want the next 50 years to look like this or even more concerning - stay.

 

If you want better for yourself - end it.

 

I quit 11-1/2 years ago. It was hard but totally worth it.

 

You can’t change him. And don’t let him blame you for what he knows he’s doing to ruin the relationship. You can’t trust him until he doesn’t have a drink for about a year.

 

Simply tell him it’s not working for you. Tell him the life he’s living isn’t even close to what you had in mind.

[Lotsgoingon]

I know this very naive, but when we get in a fight about it, he shuts down and won’t drink for days maybe weeks.Then I start to feel like I was overreacting because he doesn’t go to bars a lot or drink at home.

 

Your feeling mechanism is malfunctioning if getting a few weeks or months of peace makes you feel guilty such that you volunteer to rejoin the craziness. Your over-reaction radar is totally broken. Discard it.

 

There are people who live for decades like this. If you're willing to be one, then go for it. I really don't think you want to be that way.

 

Go to therapy if you value your life so poorly that just a little time of peace leaves you running back to trouble.

 

BTW: he should get clean for HIS OWN benefit. Not for you. That's codependent and infantile. What is he, a baby? ... a juvenile? ...

 

Adults get their lives together for themselves! Not because "mama gf" says she'll dump him if he doesn't stop.

 

Sobriety is its own reward. You have no obligation to "reward" him for not drinking. If he can't see sobriety as its own reward, then that's his problem.

 

Break up ... don't even attach "because of your drinking" to it.

Edited November 6, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[schlumpy]

You have so much money in the wedding? How much money does he have in the wedding?

 

Be that as it may it would burn my soul to waste that money. This is what I suggest.

 

You have only so many days to find someone else to marry. The wedding is all set up, so just start advertising for a partner. You will need to do this right away because of the time it will take to separate the wheat from the chaff. Once you make your selection go ahead and get married and enjoy the honeymoon. It might be even more fun considering the unfamiliar territory you will be traversing.

 

You are probably thinking that I'm crazy but I don't see where you planning on marrying an alcoholic and expecting everything to turn out OK is any saner.

 

Look up al-anon. It's an organization that helps people deal with family members who are alcoholics. I think that they can reasonably enlighten you and clear up all your doubts.

[preraph]

I know this very naive, but when we get in a fight about it, he shuts down and won’t drink for days maybe weeks.Then I start to feel like I was overreacting because he doesn’t go to bars a lot or drink at home.

 

He's a binge drinker. That doesn't mean he's not an alcoholic and he gets totally wasted and that will not be acceptable especially once you have kids.

[kendahke]

Fiance for 8 years? Something deep down inside you knows this is not who you want to bind your life to on a legal basis. You should explore that to its logical conclusion.

[S2B]

Someone staying out somewhat regularly until 3am May also be doing drugs.

 

Possibly cocaine? Either way he’s being inconsiderate of you and disrespectful... neither quality makes for a good life partner.

 

He’s got problems. Problems you can’t solve!

 

Better to cut him loose...

[spiderowl]

I am really sorry to hear of your situation. Please do not marry him whatever the financial cost! It is very likely you will regret it if you do.

 

He is almost certainly hiding the extent of his drinking.

 

He is out of control, not meeting his obligations to you.

 

He is past caring about you - he is not there for you when you need him.

 

He is on a slippery slope that only he can pull himself off and he is not showing any signs of doing that.

 

I had a friend who became an alcoholic. It started in small ways, a drink in the evening. Then it became a regular drink in the evening. Then drinking at other times and hiding drink. Two wives left him. He drank and ended up falling and broke his leg badly. He was disabled and could not work. He drank until he became ill and his liver failed. He is no longer with us. He was a super-intelligent guy and it was all such a waste. It was desperately sad but each of his wives did their level best to help him get off drink.

 

I used to have hope about such things, believing people could change. They can but only if they want to and are showing they want to. He is not. Are you going to spend the next few years of your life trying to persuade him to seek help with you?

Edited November 6, 2019 by spiderowl

[Mr. Lucky]

but when we get in a fight about it, he shuts down and won’t drink for days maybe weeks.

 

Or he hides it better because he knows you're watching.

 

Rht24, I just had a good friend fall off the wagon and relapse after 12 years of sobriety and many "last chances" from his wife, who's currently moving out of their shared home.

 

This is a lifetime disease so think long and hard what marriage to an alcoholic means. Over the course of years, you could easily pay many times to get out what this wedding's costing you to get in.

 

Be very careful...

 

Mr. Lucky