So about this separation

[Hopeful928]

I am a new poster here who has been just lurking for the past few weeks but finally decided to give it a go and share my story.

 

My husband and I have been married for ten years and together for 13 and we have two young sons. We have had a lot of ups and downs over the years, financial struggles, death in the family, medical issues etc. but overall I thought it had been a pretty good marriage. We love to make each other laugh, hang out and overall I considered him my best friend and I think he felt the same. During some of the hard times in our marriage we had big blow out arguments. I am ashamed to admit but they were was usually drinking involved and I said things I am now living to regret. I have lashed out and now I clearly see I was verbally abusive. We would always make up after these fights and I would apologize but I did it again early September after I felt my husband had been pulling away emotionally. I had felt that for the past year he had been pulling away from me emotionally. I kept asking him if anything was wrong but he kept telling me that everything was good, well it wasn't. And that blowout was the straw that broke the camels back and despite my again apologizing it wasn't long after that I got my husband to open up and tell me that he wanted space and was going to stay at an Airbnb. This was early October and he has not come back home. I did the begging, pleading, crying and trying to bargain with him to stay several times since he has left but all to no avail.

 

During this time I asked him to join me in marital counseling and he refused (although he had promised once that he would try). I instead started therapy myself to work on my anger issues and to also try to work on how my issues have played a part in the marriage. I had asked my husband if he wanted to divorce me and his answer in the very beginning was that he was 99.9% sure he did, this was after I asked him to give me a definite yes or no answer. He comes every weekend to spend time with the kids and I as a family, he has told no one about his moving out. He leaves after the kids have gone to sleep when he is here. He works long hours at work so the kids have not noticed that he is gone and we have not told them anything yet. Every week since he left he agreed to coffee dates with me and yesterday we even had dinner while the kids were away at a sports class. We have been getting along but it's weird because he treats me like a friend and matter of fact he says he wants us to just be friends. When I ask if this friendship is in the hope of building towards fixing our marriage he does not give me an answer

 

So the crux of my confusion is I don't know where this is going and I don't know if I am deluding myself into thinking we have a chance. I again asked if he was coming back home yesterday and he said no. Sadly I had been doing very well about giving him his space these past few weeks but with seeing how well we were doing it broke my heart he wasn't ready to move in and I again started the begging, pleading etc. to no avail. I am just so upset with myself that I again fell into that trap despite it being the number one thing you shouldn't do . That's why I decided to join this group and share here instead of again trying to turn to him and coming off as an emotional mess.

 

I want him to just tell me if he wants the divorce or not but he says that right now he hasn't looked into and he doesn't want to close a door and he just wants us to work on being friends. He said he also has not looked into apartments and is just happy with the Airbnb situation. I want to save my marriage but I feel it is so unfair for him to not give me a solid answer and let me mourn and move on if he knows he does not want to be with me. I guess I basically want some advice as how to deal with this confusing situation. I have straight out told him that I rather him just tell me he is done with me than string me along but he just refuses to give me a straight answer.

[FMW]

For now your choices are to take him at his word (that he doesn't want to close the door on your marriage) and continue giving him room, staying busy with your children, friends, hobbies, work, etc. and continuing in therapy; or

 

Tell him you don't want to continue this way and officially separate/divorce.

 

I know you don't want to do the second. So giving it a little more time is a reasonable thing to do. It's only been a month. It's NOT reasonable for things to continue this way indefinitely, but pushing him isn't going to help.

 

Make the most of your therapy right now and figure out what's causing the repeated "blowouts". Certainly look closely at your part in things, but also look at his.

[schlumpy]

You are making this very easy for him. He has you sitting in limbo waiting for him to decide what your life will look like in the future.

 

All the red flags are there that he has another love interest. The withdrawal of affection over a period of time. The declaration of needing space. Not wanting to answer about divorce because after all he may need to come back. Talks about being friends and gives you just enough attention to keep you hoping things will go back to normal.

 

You have to force the issue. Have him served with the most onerous divorce terms your attorney can devise and expose his abandonment to friends and family.

 

Don't let him determine your future for he no longer has your best interests at heart and if he comes back and you want him, make him win you again. Don't make the mistake of no consequences.

 

Get friends and family to help you.

[S2B]

Drop by his place in the evening. See if he’s alone or even there. Have you checked his phone bill/email? Do that.

 

I’d bet money he’s interested in someone else and seeing them or trying to set himself up to see them.

 

Do a drive by every night.

 

If he isn’t seeing someone (and you get solid proof he isn’t) then sit back and relax. You don’t need a firm answer now.

 

Work on your anger. If he intends to get back with you he may need long term proof you won’t do it again.

 

Get busy being happy enough on your own. The more he sees you can be happy without him the more appealing you may becometo him.

 

Stop depending on any answer from him - he may need several years of your consistent/nice behavior to trust you again.

 

What was it you said to him that upset him that much?

[Mr. Lucky]

All the red flags are there that he has another love interest. The withdrawal of affection over a period of time. The declaration of needing space. Not wanting to answer about divorce because after all he may need to come back. Talks about being friends and gives you just enough attention to keep you hoping things will go back to normal.

 

Well said. Unfortunately Hopeful928, looks like you're his Plan B, a back-up in case whatever he's test-driving right now doesn't work out. Unless you're OK with this second-class status, time to drop the hammer now.

 

Many family law attorneys will give a free 30-minute consult. Once you've done that, let him know you've seen a lawyer, it just may be the wake-up call he needs. If he's 99.9% gone, hand him the other .1%.

 

None of this changes your need for personal growth and change, whether for this relationship or the next one. Working on yourself is all upside, and there's hard work to be done in understanding your anger.

 

The good news is, moving forward addresses both of these issues at once. Standing still waiting for him to make up his mind does neither...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Hopeful928]

When he started pulling away I absolutely suspected that he was having an affair or at the very least interested in someone and did the snooping and spying as best as I could but I really found nothing. I have confronted him over it so many times and he denies it (and of course he would) but at this point I have not been able to find any kind of evidence to show he is cheating. He knows I have trust issues with him now because of the separation so he makes sure to text me every night when he gets to where he is staying to let me know he arrived there. Of course that could all mean nothing and I can still be wrong but I feel I have exhausted that avenue and I just right now do not think that is the case.

 

I see a lot of my lashing out at him was me being unhappy with myself. I would say hurtful things, call him names and I even would threaten him with divorce and now here I am in this situation hoping that he doesn't want to divorce me. I look back and I am so ashamed of how I acted out so I can understand why he wants a break and is considering the divorce. So yes part of me is upset he is keeping me in limbo but now just typing and rehashing this in my mind I can also see why he is not going to jump back quickly to return to my side.

 

Thank you everyone for your advice you all gave me a lot to think about. I have been venting to close family and friends but it is nice to get an outsiders perspective and consider something that I hadn't before!

[S2B]

Seriously, have you gone by his place at night?

 

Have you checked his phone bill and email accounts?

[Hopeful928]

With our phone plans we do not receive physical phone bills so I don't have access to that info. I was able to access his voicemail and found nothing. I also was able to get into his email account and got nothing. He works a late shift so when he gets home it's after midnight. With two kids I just am not up for leaving them to go driving at night and checking up on him.

[stillafool]

IDK, one of my exes had anger issues and I tried to hang in there but couldn't help but fall more out of love with him with every blow up. I think your husband is done here he is just thinking about whether he wants to be separated from his kids or not. It is possible that he has met a calm woman who has turned his head but I think he is probably just enjoying his peace of mind right now. OP, all you can do is not expect reconciliation and continue anger therapy to heal yourself. Stop worrying about him and just work on you.

[Hopeful928]

Thanks stillafool! I honestly think you are 100% right. It's so hard to hear it but I do think he is enjoying his peace of mind and I have to respect that. It hurts realizing that I am the one who pushed him away when it was the last thing I wanted to do but I just have to accept that and I will definitely continue to work on me.

[S2B]

So you must be capable of accessing the phone bill online?

[Mr. Lucky]

I see a lot of my lashing out at him was me being unhappy with myself.

 

So what’s changed? And how would he understand things would be different?

 

Mr. Lucky

[schlumpy]

One real positive indication that things may change is to dump the alcohol. Drinking can make people friendlier and more open but for others it unchains their aggressive tendencies. You are self described as the latter.

 

Video yourself dumping everything down the sink and send it to him. The message should be clear.

[BeansOnToast46]

Hello again. Yes your story does mirror mine apart from my Gf persuaded me to stay and I have for a certain period. I've just read other posts and at least the lunatic that has posted on my thread hasn't reached yours yet.

Edited November 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Hopeful928]

One real positive indication that things may change is to dump the alcohol. Drinking can make people friendlier and more open but for others it unchains their aggressive tendencies. You are self described as the latter.

 

Video yourself dumping everything down the sink and send it to him. The message should be clear.

 

I am lucky in that he does come home every weekend and spends each day with the kids and myself so we are continuing to interact. So he can visually see that I am not drinking and see the improvement in my behavior and how we are interacting with each other.

[Hopeful928]

So what’s changed? And how would he understand things would be different?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have started to go to therapy to deal with my anger. I honestly do not know how he would understand things to be different. That's why right now I am trying to focus what I can change by myself.

[Hopeful928]

So you must be capable of accessing the phone bill online?

 

I did try but there is a ten digit passcode needed that I don't have. I don't know, I just went down that dark rabbit hole of snooping and spying and I didn't find anything. He spends the weekends with the kids and I and his work hours are long and insane so his time is very limited. Of course that does not mean there is not someone else but it would probably be someone from work and he could easily bypass the phone with daily face to face interactions. I can only take him at his word for now there is no one else but believe you me, I have been keeping my ears and eyes peeled. I am a strong believer that what is done in the dark will eventually come to the light so if there is someone else he could keep it hidden for but so long.. and then I will have to cross that bridge when I get there.

[schlumpy]

I can only take him at his word for now there is no one else but believe you me, I have been keeping my ears and eyes peeled. I am a strong believer that what is done in the dark will eventually come to the light so if there is someone else he could keep it hidden for but so long.. and then I will have to cross that bridge when I get there.

 

If that is all you can do then it will have enough. Do keep the radar up and running. I believe you are right, if he's cheating it will all come out eventually. My only concern is that you are in the best position that you can manage if the inevitable happens.

 

Do consider seeing a lawyer so you understand your options.

[S2B]

I’d ask him for that ten digit code for the phone bill access.

 

If he asks why just tell him you need to check on something about your phone plan.

 

Hopefully he just hands over the code without any fanfare.

[Hopeful928]

I should have been more specific but we have separate phone plans. There is no legit reason for me to ask for his code but if not to snoop.

Edited November 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Hopeful928]

If that is all you can do then it will have enough. Do keep the radar up and running. I believe you are right, if he's cheating it will all come out eventually. My only concern is that you are in the best position that you can manage if the inevitable happens.

 

Do consider seeing a lawyer so you understand your options.

 

Thank you! You are very right.

[BeansOnToast46]

I’d ask him for that ten digit code for the phone bill access.

 

If he asks why just tell him you need to check on something about your phone plan.

 

Hopefully he just hands over the code without any fanfare.

 

Please be careful of what advice you use. It's you that has to deal with the problem if it all went wrong. Even if his phone bill is clear, you have then sent him a signal your not happy and theres trust issues. This could cause animosity amongst yourselves.

[Hopeful928]

Please be careful of what advice you use. It's you that has to deal with the problem if it all went wrong. Even if his phone bill is clear, you have then sent him a signal your not happy and theres trust issues. This could cause animosity amongst yourselves.

 

Thank you. Yes. I went down that road in the beginning of this and we definitely have trust issues because of it. I don't want to keep going down that avenue for now because we're both trying to build back our trust. I appreciate everyone's advice and I like hearing different perspectives but there are things I know I either tried or will not be helpful in my situation.

[Caauug]

When he started pulling away I absolutely suspected that he was having an affair or at the very least interested in someone and did the snooping and spying as best as I could but I really found nothing. I have confronted him over it so many times and he denies it (and of course he would) but at this point I have not been able to find any kind of evidence to show he is cheating. He knows I have trust issues with him now because of the separation so he makes sure to text me every night when he gets to where he is staying to let me know he arrived there. Of course that could all mean nothing and I can still be wrong but I feel I have exhausted that avenue and I just right now do not think that is the case.

 

I see a lot of my lashing out at him was me being unhappy with myself. I would say hurtful things, call him names and I even would threaten him with divorce and now here I am in this situation hoping that he doesn't want to divorce me. I look back and I am so ashamed of how I acted out so I can understand why he wants a break and is considering the divorce. So yes part of me is upset he is keeping me in limbo but now just typing and rehashing this in my mind I can also see why he is not going to jump back quickly to return to my side.

 

I see this a little different.

 

He is only hanging around for the kids

 

-You abuse him (lashing out, saying hurtful things etc.)

-He withdrew

-You asked him "What's wrong?"

-He said nothing (His big mistake!)

-You accused him of cheating

-He denied (You tried and can not prove him wrong)

-He moves out (Too hurt and love gone)

-You want him back

 

I see it as he is too hurt and damaged from your abuse for any relationship be with you or anyone else.

 

Damage is done, you can not turn back time, things can not be un-said.

 

You can try force by serving D papers but I don't like the odds of a R if you do.

 

Good luck

Edited November 10, 2019 by Caauug
missing line

[Hopeful928]

I see this a little different.

 

He is only hanging around for the kids

 

-You abuse him (lashing out, saying hurtful things etc.)

-He withdrew

-You asked him "What's wrong?"

-He said nothing (His big mistake!)

-You accused him of cheating

-He denied (You tried and can not prove him wrong)

-He moves out (Too hurt and love gone)

-You want him back

 

I see it as he is too hurt and damaged from your abuse for any relationship be with you or anyone else.

 

Damage is done, you can not turn back time, things can not be un-said.

 

You can try force by serving D papers but I don't like the odds of a R if you do.

 

Good luck

 

 

Thank you so much for your perspective! I honestly think this is very close to the truth as he has said more than once that he doesn't want to be with anyone right now, when I would ask if there was someone else. I guess now I can only focus on healing and hope he can see the changes and take it from there. I mentioned continuing with the D yesterday if he was certain he wanted it. He said ok because he feels certain he wants the D and when I heard that I hesitated and told him that we were just both too emotional to make that decision and we should wait to see how things progressed and he agreed. I want to try for the R and if it means I have to be patient and allow him to heal I am going to have to be willing to do it.