How do you get over the resentment?

[Intergalactic Bikini]

I'm the dumper.

 

And I am struggling with the breakup. Its been about 2-1/2 months since I left my ex.

 

Though we had a close connection, I don't miss him. I miss the relationship but there were lots of toxic elements in it that led me to break things off.

 

And I am still pretty deep in the anger stage.

 

I know its not healthy to pat down feelings but I also don't want to be stuck in this resentment.

 

How can I process the ending of this relationship? What does that entail anyway?

I've been through heartbreaks in my life before but I am making the conscious decision to do this right with this breakup. My normal used to be to find the next boyfriend as soon as possible to dull the pain. I don't want to do that anymore.

 

 

Thanks guys.

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

I'm sorry to hear about this situation. Depending what was toxic, how bad it was, and how long the relationship lasted your feelings are probably normal. Particularly if you were together for more than a year and really had feelings about them.

 

From what you shared it sounds like you need to focus on

 

1. Why the relationship ended and why you chose to end it

2. The larger things that you were unsatisfied with about your ex

3. The things you were unsatisfied with about the relationship

4. Your feelings now and how they may connect to/stem from large personal things you should address

5. Reinforcing your desire to not just jump to the next guy to dull the pain

 

At lot of those feelings may be intertwined and that's okay. And you need to allow the emotions to come, to not fight them, that you own and share your feelings, and that eventually you forgive them, forgive yourself, and think of a future for yourself that's independent of being with someone.

 

I know for me, I'm 11 weeks out of being dumped. All I was told was she "didn't have time for a relationship" - yet she's back out there looking for something "casual". I couldn't have been more loving, more caring, more affectionate, more supportive. I was devastated and while I was making progress the past week and a half has been terrible with depression and tears and just today I feel like breaking NC for the first time asking her why, why did she do this. What did I do to her? Please take me back! I mean, I should be happy - I'd rather not be with someone who could so easily walk away from a two-year relationship without talking things out and at least telling the truth. Plus, she lost her affection and love for me. She's a lot younger than me and not experienced with relationship and expected things to be perfect - not just our relationship but also life - like everything was Instagram. And she comes from a toxic family - so I don't need toxicity in my life.

 

I mention my story only to help explain - I don't miss her. Sure, I miss having someone to talk to every day, the small things, etc. But it was a long-distance relationship and we weren't openly dating to her family. So it's not like I was getting physical affection. And I nkow my spiraling mind is mostly from her leaving the way she did and the fact that I spent a lot of time fantasizing about our future together, instead of making sure I was happy and was getting my needs met now. If you don't miss your ex and you know there were toxic things about him/relationship you may need to dig deeper. Your feelings may be more about things you need to address in yourself - your own childhood, your relationship experiences and patterns, etc. You may be getting angry at things that have more to do with you than with your ex. Don't get me wrong - anger is okay. But to avoid getting "stuck" you need to explore the anger and other emotions to know where they come from - because that's the only way to know how to truly solve it.

 

While I've not had a good past week or two, I've found a few things helpful:

 

1. Focus on the now

2. TLC - for me it's a hot bath at night, any night I need it.

3. Journaling & list making - what I want, what I deserve, what I need

4. Talking - a few key friends and family members and posting on here - even setting up a few DM relationships here so I can rant/get perspective but still feel a little bit more safe then just posting.

5. Focusing on what I want my future to be like, regardless of "who's" in it.

 

Hope this helps.

[preraph]

Resentment is normal. To get the anger out, don't neglect to do some physical activity. I used to do water aerobics as it's also very relaxing.

 

 

But then you have to find the pathway to get on with your life without the shade of bitterness over you. If you made some mistakes in judgment, accept that and forgive yourself and move on. We make decisions the best we can with what we know at the time, and life is a learning process.

 

Then after you absolve yourself, realize some people learn toxicity from their own upbringing, and that some people have better ethics than others and learn to look for signs of good ethics on people, because people with truly good ethics in general will usually try not to damage someone if it can be avoided. People brought up in dysfunctional, negligent, or abusive households didn't learn how to get along and be good at relationships. And they may be drawn to what is normal for them, which is trouble. On the other hand people who grew up in a bad situation but learned and rebelled from it may be just fine. Look for people with empathy for others, including animals.

[scooby-philly]

Resentment is normal. To get the anger out, don't neglect to do some physical activity. I used to do water aerobics as it's also very relaxing.

 

If I could superlike a message on here I would. Preraph is completely on point.

 

We all do the best we can at any given time - given our own experiences, history, strengths, weaknesses, and personal history. Moving on from a relationship it's important to learn why it failed, what we want/need in a partner, and look at what we bring to the table. In my last relationship it was long-distance with an age gap. While I was blind sided and absolutely heart broken by my ex dumping me (but not having the courage to tell me the truth or tell me to my face) I deserve better and it didn't work out because she's not ready for a relationship, not ready to address her shortcomings, and doesn't realize she can hurt people. She comes from a toxic family and I don't need that because while I did too, I've done most of the work I need to to address my own shortcomings.

 

As Preraph said people learn behavior and what's acceptable from their families growing up. As an adult dating it's not your job to fix that in a partner, even if you're married. Sure, you can love them, support them, help them - but they have to want to change, they have to make the effort to change. At any point you have the right to protect yourself and your happiness and if the relationship isn't worth saving then there's no shame in leaving. With my ex, even while I am still sad and still spinning I realize (and need to internalize) that her mother treats her dad like crap, acts crazy, is angry, bitter, and entitled, and that transfers over to her in her ability to threaten to abandon someone (or do it without even knowing or caring about the impact of her decision). I don't need to put up with that and I deserve better.

 

And that's also why it's important to really see people through many different experience and over time as that is the only thing that reveals their true personality.