GF drinking all night with 99% male coworkers on 5 day out of state business trip

[MaxRemi]

Hoping I can get some outside perspective/advise.

 

A few details about her / us:

 

We were in love in high school, broke up due to trust/ cheating issues (both in the wrong) and got back together 10 years later.

She has a criminal record and if she ever got in trouble ahe would have a long stay since she already has 2 strikes. They weren't her fault, wrong place - wrong time. Due to this I worry about her sometimes.

 

We drink on the weekends, and I am usually a 4-5 beer a night guy. I am 250 lbs so it's not as much as it sounds. When She drinks, often it's until she blacks out if I dont keep her in check.

 

When I told her to slow down I remember her saying "I'm not even blacked out yet!"

 

On NYE a few years ago she jumped behind the bar to get better service and was aggresive towards bartenders. Luckily I was there with cash to tip our way back to the room, where she literally passed out while getting intimate. Not a fun night for me. She didnt remember much in the AM.

 

So we've been dating / living together happily for 4 years recently. Have an awesome dog, cat, feel like a family. She has a great union career in the trades, I own a construction company doing very well. We are living the dream.

 

2 weeks ago she had a 5 night business trip (union trades) out of state for youth. She is 35 the event is for 21-35 year olds. She told me "we will facetime every night so we wont feel apart" 100% her idea. I told her have a good time and be safe, without hesitation.

 

First night out I video chat her around 1030pm as I'm going to bed, she picks up and is drinking with a few guys. She leaves the table. She chats with me on her way up to the room and says guys are flirting with her but shes not uncomfortable. They ask her to go out with them, she declines as she "knows what they want" After our chat she says she is going back down to the hotel bar for 1 more.. but not "going out"

 

Next day I ask her hows it going she says great. That night we video chat and say goodnight, all good.

 

3rd night I ask her howz it going, she says getting food, then I ask her anything good? and she doesnt respond. I call for video chat around 11pm and no answer. Call again at 12pm no answer. Now I'm worried. Her phone is on, she sees my messages on facebook and leaves them as read. No reply until 430am to apologize that her phone died.

 

She says she went out drinking with the guys and was at the bar until 2am. I say that there is no way your phone died as either you or someone else was reading my messages. Also, facebook showed her online the whole night. Phones dont ring when they are dead either.

 

I was up all night worried if she is in trouble, jail, or cheating. She is across the country with at a convention with 99% Male coworkers, All 21-35.

 

Next night she goes out drinking union guys and 1 female. Her female friend is single and aparantly scores blow at the bar. This time she calls me between bars and we video chat at 1230am. I am not feeling great about her at this point.

 

She came home. I asked her what happened. She said she wasn't paying attention to her phone and it died. I say it didnt die, and she agrees it was just low on battery, and maybe she lost it and found it later.. ok..

 

Now I'm feeling like I got lied to and am having a hard time getting past this. I was planning on proposing to her soon, as we are mid thirties and both want kids.. but now am re-thinking everything.

 

Later she shows me a video of her taping some guy riding a bull at the bar, it says 6pm on her video meaning it was 8pm there, which is when she told me she was "getting food" and left my message on read with no reply. She sounds wasted and is cheering him on. She says she doesnt remember who he was. Furthermore based on her story she either

1. Kept drinking in the bar from 8pm to freaking 2am 6 hours!!

2. God blackout drunk and did something worth lying about.

3. Both

 

Anyway so we get romantic and I put on some music, first some oldies on pandora (we weren't feeling it) then I put on some trance and she says "this is one night stand music, change it" weird thing to say.. ok.. (freudian slip??)

 

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated, I have been keeping this to myself for the last week, having nightmares every night about tthis. I'm trying to keep the questioning to a minimum, but I'm pretty good at reading people (especially her) and my gut tells me she isnt telling me something. Am I overreacting?

[carhill]

Welcome to LS...

Here's my take as an older guy who's buried at least one alcoholic....

 

She's 35. This is who she is. Reality. It's up to you whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life managing it. She'll do stuff if/when she's blackout that she won't remember, it's not an excuse, rather reality. I'll omit the sordid details from personal experience.

 

For some, a life-altering event may change them. Others have long-lived genes and survive with some luck. Some die before their time.

 

You can love her but do you want to live with her like this for the rest of your life? IDK. When I was your age I definitely thought with enough love almost anything could be overcome. That faded.

 

Anyway, hope you get some help and support. If in it to win it, try AlAnon. The life you save may be yours.

[Mrin]

Your GF has an alcohol problem

 

She probably did stuff on that trip that you wouldn't be happy about.

 

She may not even remember it

 

Beware STDs

[Marc878]

Good luck living with a drunk. Your problem is you just don't know.

 

With her past history don't look for this to get better. Only she can fix it. From you backstory that's not happening.

 

If you want to live looking over your shoulder good luck.

 

You'll need it.

[schlumpy]

It's your call.

 

I think there is trust issue here and that is what marriage is all about. You don't trust her and she's not offering any trust.

 

Do you know anyone that went on the same business trip that you can pump for information to help you decide?

[vla1120]

You are right to have second thoughts about proposing. With a drinking problem like that, what does the future look like as far as co-parenting with a blackout drunk? You also know she lied to you (or withheld the truth - however you want to look at it) about her phone being dead, etc.

 

You know her best. You know whether her drinking is something that she is able/willing to control in the future. I would have a serious conversation with her about your future before you consider proposing. It's quite possible that, when you have children, she will lose the desire to drink. Getting up with a baby at the break of dawn when you have a hangover is not fun, and that experience cured me of wanting to drink too much all those years ago. You need to be sure before you put a ring on it.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think she's cheating per se but she clearly evidences poor judgment while under the influence. I do think she has a raging alcohol problem. She will never be a good partner until she gives up the bottle.

 

Go to an al-anon meeting & learn what it really means to be in love with an addict.

 

Armed with that knowledge, you can make an informed intelligent decision about whether you want to continue this relationship. Remember you can't trust addicts. They will always lie.

[beldar]

She does not deserve a proposal.

 

 

It would be the biggest mistake of your life.

[mark clemson]

Speaking for myself I would never marry or have a child with a woman who did this. I've seen enough stuff go down in life to know better than to accept this kind of red flag.

 

What happens when she kills some family driving drunk? As her husband you're jointly financially responsible, that's what. So your life gets ruined too.

 

Forget cheating. I would walk away just on the drinking.

[kendahke]

When I told her to slow down I remember her saying "I'm not even blacked out yet!"

 

She is an alcoholic and that is a problem. Unless you want to constantly be cleaning up behind a drunk, you need to have a long, hard re-think on the wisdom in being with her.

 

This isn't high school anymore---and you can never go back home, so cut your losses before you squander even more of your youth behind her.

[h0000]

You are in denial for saying her criminal records and 2 strikes are not her fault. I bet they were because she got drunk and lost control.

[S2B]

She’s going to cause you nothing but worry and heartache if you stay with her.

 

Her drinking is out of control. Sounds like she was doing some drugs too.

 

She offers you no peace of mind... that’s a long long life with all that worry.

 

She’s an alcoholic. You can’t chnage this for her.

[ExpatInItaly]

You make a lot of excuses for her, OP.

 

Two strikes against, neither of which were her fault at all? I doubt that. She exhibits very poor judgement and a lack of impulse control, and isn't a responsible adult. I am highly suspect of people who somehow find themselves in trouble with the law more than once. She is playing a part in this.

 

Whether or not she cheated on you on this particular occasion is not even the biggest problem here. There are clearly issues of mistrust, immaturity and dishonesty in general. Add to that a problem with alcohol, and you don't have the sort of relationship that will evolve into a healthy marriage.

 

Unless and until she sees a need to clean up her act, and commits to it with measurable results over time, you are looking at who she will always be.

[smackie9]

Denial is a key word when it comes to alcoholism. You've had 4 years to address this with her. And she had 4 years to admit she has a problem and to never drink again. This is bad...way bad. I agree with the above post. Your concern is minimal, when it's a 911.

[introverted1]

In addition to the points already made, what are the odds that this woman can stop drinking for the duration of a pregnancy? Look up fetal alcohol syndrome.

[notbroken]

Yep, might be a duck - or in this case an alcoholic. No you can't trust her. She can't trust herself. Run. Fast. Don't invite trouble like her into your life. You are absolutely 100% guaranteed to have trouble with her in your life. 100%. Run. Don't look back.

[Els]

Going out for drinks with co workers is normal, but not to this extent. I'd be put off, too.

 

 

 

In addition to the points already made, what are the odds that this woman can stop drinking for the duration of a pregnancy? Look up fetal alcohol syndrome.

 

 

Why do you assume the OP wants children?

[SJ1975]

I'm going to be different and say stick with her but on one condition, she goes and seeks some help.

 

Most of us enjoy a good drink but not to the blackout stage. There might be a deep underlining problem and plus the guy loves her.

[snowboy91]

I enjoy a few beers and a good night out like any young Aussie. And I understand that when you're having a good night out, you tend to not check your phone and live in the moment with whoever it is you're out with. That's not to say that she's cheating though - it just so happens that most of the people on this work trip are guys, and it would be much the same if it were a mixed group.

 

BUT... the level of drinking is excessive if it is consistently leading to her blacking out. Excessive drinking is more often than not hiding some other underlying issue, which they may not be even aware of themselves. If you haven't discussed this issue with her I'd suggest doing so - but be aware that she's unlikely to acknowledge it as an issue. You'll have to seriously consider if that is something you're willing to put up with for the rest of your life if you're planning to propose to her.

[fromheart]

The problem is pretty obvious... alcohol.

 

You both have to make a decision; do you want to be together and have a child, or do you want to get drunk?

[OatsAndHall]

I would only continue the relationship if she gets help for her drinking problem. And yes, she does have a drinking problem; getting wasted for several nights on a business trip isn't "social drinking". With that being said, it's going to be a two way street. You don't sound like you have a drinking problem but it's hard to ask someone to seek help when you're putting down a few beers every night as well.

 

 

 

For me, the relationship would absolutely be on hold until she got some help. But, I rarely even date "social drinkers" as I simply don't trust them.

[smackie9]

It's been 10 days....is this a post and dash?

[introverted1]

 

Why do you assume the OP wants children?

 

 

Because in the OP he says:

Now I'm feeling like I got lied to and am having a hard time getting past this. I was planning on proposing to her soon, as we are mid thirties and both want kids.. but now am re-thinking everything.

[Deville]

Thanks to all that took the time to read and respond. I have taken the advice on the alcohol.. (or at least have tried to)

I am trying to keep a 2-3 drink maximum on weekends only. She continues to out drink me a bit but more under control then before.

 

She gave me another breakdown of the blackout night that she was just dancing with guys and cheering them on as they rode the bull. Says she left the bar alone at 2:30am alone and woke up in her bed fully clothed.

 

I honestly didn't believe her, as usually if you are entertained enough to stay at the bar that late you are with people. Their hotel room was across the street, so chances are she left with someone from her group.

 

I told her to get a std check when she got her physical, which was already scheduled. She agreed reluctantly. We both came back clear.

 

She opened up her phone to me and allowed me to read the group texts and verify location via google maps. Google maps says she was at that bar until 630am.. not sure how that was possible, probably a glitch. I checked phone records and she deletes calls from one guy I this group and deleted all individual test messages. When asked she said she keeps her phone clean with more space (which I rememeber her doing before)

 

She did admit to flirting with a few of the different guys, dancing, and going on a touristy ride with three of them the next day, where I saw one guy jokingly saying that he wanted to go on this ride with her alone, but supposedly 4 of them went.

 

As my new insecure self was looking through phone records and reading texts I saw evening texts that were deleted from her phone.

She admitted she talks about our sex life to her "work hubby" if you will (my name for him, not hers) Tells him when we have amazing sex (and claims doesn't tell him about negatives 😕 ) He talks about his lack of release with his wife and that she gets her climax and leaves him with blue balls. This guys wife is aparantly insecure, jealous, and crazy. They just recently became friends on facebook so I assume she gets jealous and insecure over my gf. She also talks about our relationship with another guy at work who is single and has a hard time with women. I've known about these two coworkers and met them and never thought anything of it until now. I dont think shes physical with either of them, but I certainly see her in a different way now.

 

She has been group texting this new crew of guys (and one gal) from her trip and doing volunteer work with this new group. She has a new found confidence and stride. I have become more insecure and doubtful than I have ever been in my life. My confidence is lower than ever, even after working out, lowering alcohol consumption, and losing 20 lbs in 2 months or so. 

 

She also just got a huge promotion into the commercial decision of her union with a huge pay increase a week after coming back

 

When she does drink she becomes a bit abusive towards me. Belitting me, calling me insecure, compares me to the other guys wives.

 

Sex isnt the same. I cant get these possible encounters out of my head. She has said weird stuff. " I didnt say you can touch" referring to breasts out over bra "you can look but you cant touch" turned me off as it seemed like it might have been something from her drunken escapade. She said she was just trying something new..

 

I have put the proposal on hold. I Not sure what advise I'm looking for here or what I'm gonna do.

 

To sum it up: I think she cheated but have no proof. GF got a huge promotion, pay raise, and has a new group of male friends (1 female) that I feel know a secret that I will never know.

 

GF wants marraige and kids with me ASAP as she is 35. She keeps saying we should get married since her benefits are so great now. She also said that if we dont have kids soon she will hate me forever for wasting her prime.

 

Again she was my first love in high school for 4 years. Been my lover and best friend for the last 5 years. I'm 34 and havent kept up with many of my friends. I have been 100% faithful and turned down many opportunities. In past relationships I had female friends and options in case of a break up. Now I have none.

 

Any words or thoughts are appreciated.

Edited December 23, 2019 by Deville

[Deville]

Also she reminded me shes only been with 1 man (me) in 14 years (9 years in prison)

 

I calmly asked her if she wanted to explore, or be in an open relationship.. to which she said no. She had plenty of partners prior to prison..