Boyfriend semi-cheated? now i’m struggling to decide if he deserves another chance!!

[Veryconfusedtyla]

So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year, I’m 23 and he’s 24. Before the terrible situation came about our relationship was really good. Our families love us together and we’re very involved in each our families lives. We’ve taken trips together and we’re really each others best friend. He’s the most patient man I ever met and he’s very caring and kind. So before the recent cheating I would have told you he’s a really good man, rare even. And i’ve dated some ****ty guys before.

 

 

Now recently, I discovered he’s been communicating with this girl he met from twitter. Apparently the 2 have been heavily flirting and talking on the phone for months on and off. She even told me she’s speak to him while he was with his friends. However they never met before due to her living in a state 3 hours away. She claims he planned to meet her but never did. She told me she knew nothing of me and thought he was single.

 

He claims in the midst of a rough patch we had (constantly arguing) he started talking to her as a way to talk to someone to have an escape. He claims he never intended on having sex with her nor meet her in person.

 

He’s owned up to his mistakes however, he only has because he got caught. Its been a few days and he’s been calling and pleading every day to fix it and make it right. He claims he was stupid and says theres no excuse for what he’s done. He claims he was weak and didn't deal with his problems like he should and he cowardly went outside of our relationship to find an escape. He tells me he wants just one chance to change and fix everything.

 

He’s offered to give me his passwords to his social media and phone. He told me he doesnt plan on going out with his friends until we’re okay. Until this incident, I never thought about him cheating. Of course we’ve had fights here and there, and recently more frequently but nothing worth being mad about for more than a day.

 

Im struggling with this though because even though he didnt sleep with her, it still hurts me to know he even entertained another women and I cant help but wonder how long it wouldve gone on if I didnt catch him, would he have ended up meeting her?

 

I want to take him back but I want him to struggle first. I want him to hurt and go through hell so he knows to never do this again. I’ve blocked him and rejected all his proposals of fixing this. Its been extremely hard because I really just want to give him the chance to make this right.

 

 

He just sent me a long message about just wanting me to give him a chance and he’ll prove he’s worthy of it and all that jazz. I ended up blocking him and before I did, telling him how I love him and this will be the hardest thing ever. I feel like maybe I should make him feel like he’s really lost me before I give him a chance.

 

I love him so much, I started to plan my future with him, I dont want to let him go but I don’t want less than I deserve.

 

What should I do?? What would you do?? Leave him and move on? Or make him work hard to earn a second chance??

[Mrin]

Dude here. I have zero tolerance for this sort of thing. The second I lose trust in a woman like this I break up. Life is too short to worry about your spouse or relationship partner cheating on you.

[BaileyB]

Well, the moment that things got tough in your relationship, his solution was to turn away from you to seek support and entertain himself elsewhere. That tells you a lot about the man and it is a huge red flag.

 

I know your families “love” you together, but that is not reason enough to stay with a man who cheats on you. You are not married and you do not have children, which means you have no obligation to stay and work it out. Dating is a period of discovery, and what you have discovered about this guy should definitely give you pause.

 

If you decide to stay with him, I would not marry him without some pretty serious pre-marital counselling.

[d0nnivain]

Talking to members of the opposite sex but knowing where to draw the lines -- not meeting & not actually making an effort to have a PA is not all that bad in the grand scheme.

 

Since your BF has offered passwords & seems remorseful I may be inclined to give him a second chance. However I would be concerned that his response to stress in your relationship is to flirt with another woman & lead her to believe that he was single. I would forgive for now & give him the 2nd chance but I would keep my eyes open. Any further slip ups that would be the end. This is his 2nd bite at the apple.

[BaileyB]

One more thought - I would definitely set up some “premarital” counselling rather than blocking him and making him “pay” for his mistake - that’s rather immature and it serves no purpose if you intend to take him back anyway...

 

I get that your hurt and angry with him, but that’s not how you resolve conflicts in a mature relationship. Either you intend to forgive him and you have some work to do to make the relationship stronger, or you block him and move on...

[Veryconfusedtyla]

One more thought - I would definitely set up some “premarital” counselling rather than blocking him and making him “pay” for his mistake - that’s rather immature and it serves no purpose if you intend to take him back anyway...

 

I get that your hurt and angry with him, but that’s not how you resolve conflicts in a mature relationship. Either you intend to forgive him and you have some work to do to make the relationship stronger, or you block him and move on...

 

Very well put, I've researched some counselors near me. I guess I didn't want him to feel as though getting a second chance would be so easy so I wanted him to suffer a little. Thank you.

[d0nnivain]

making him "suffer" is not a good way to go.

[preraph]

He's expressed enough remorse. Give him a chance, and when you do, don't go into it with more than the normal amount of distrust. Don't monitor him to death. If you go back in, go back in as a woman who's going to trust him to do the right thing by her. Only ask that if he starts losing interest or is tempted, to talk to you about it instead of just go do it. I think he's as sorry as a man can be.

 

And please realize he's 24 and men's hormones are raging at that age and it's an age most men are still single and playing the field and there's temptations everywhere. Don't take his friends away from him. Go into this with good intentions of trusting him and as little resentment as you can muster, but then also go into it with the attitude that you are leaving that birdcage door open, and if he flies away, he flies away and you will live right through it if that should happen. You never know if they'll stay as long as you're monitoring them. You only know if they return if you set them free, and then that should build your trust up again.

[BaileyB]

And please realize he's 24. Don't take his friends away from him.

 

Indeed. If you did, it would only build resentment and that’s not the way to build a healthy and mature relationship. The only reason why you would consider this is to calm your own insecurity and darling - either you trust the man or you should not be with him.

 

ask that if he starts losing interest or is tempted, to talk to you about it instead of just go do it.

 

This is a good point. In your counselling, you need to lay the ground rule - if he wants to go, he needs only tell you and he is free to leave. What is not acceptable is lying and sneaking around to do things he shouldn’t be doing behind your back.

 

Then you, need to be ok with the consequence. You need to make peace with the fact that he is his own person and he makes his own decisions. If he decides to end he relationship in the future - know that you are strong enough to wish him well and carry on... Relationships are always a risk. You can not have a relationship with another person withought knowing that they could chose to walk away at any time - there are no guarantees. But, if you have confidence that you will be ok, whatever happens - you are strong!

 

go into it with the attitude that you are leaving that birdcage door open, and if he flies away, he flies away and you will live right through it if that should happen. You never know if they'll stay as long as you're monitoring them. You only know if they return if you set them free, and then that should build your trust up again.

 

Lovely analogy to prove my point above.

[stillafool]

How did you get to speak to the girl he is talking to?

[BaileyB]

And FYI, the purpose of premarital counselling is not necessarily to solve the problems of the past... it’s not a negative thing.

 

Premarital counselling should focus on your future together. You should be discussing what you want as a couple, healthy boundaries, how you intend to communicate and how you are going to work together to solve problems when they arise in the future.

[Veryconfusedtyla]

How did you get to speak to the girl he is talking to?

 

He mistakenly grouped us together by sending us a meme from Twitter. When you send 2 or more people the same tweet it will make it a group message instead of sending it individually. She was very honest and open about not knowing who I was and showed me screenshots of conversations, she later gave me her number. We had a quick conversation to just clarify things.

[stillafool]

Did she know about you?

[beldar]

There is no "semi-cheating".

 

 

 

He was going behind your back.

 

 

Dating is basically a job interview for a long term relationship.

 

 

 

Your doofus and hopefully EX-boyfriend has failed the interview miserably. He is not a good prospect for a stable loving relationship.

 

 

Throw the little fish back.

[divegrl]

Yeah..... no.

 

I would not give him a second chance. Maybe if he had confessed the situation to you immediately after he messed up. But as it stands you had to find out from another woman.

 

This is classic avoidant behavior. Look over in the infidelity forum to see where you might be a couple years down the line. This is a huge red flag that cannot be fixed by a simple slap on the hand.

 

Take care my friend.

[kendahke]

When he's mad at you, instead of working things out with you, he finds someone else, concocts a tale to make her sympathetic and begins to emotionally cheat--and there is no "semi" about emotional cheating, which is what he was doing. Allowing someone into his intimacy who doesn't belong there. And on top of it, he's messy about it by putting you both in the same message--so on some level, he didn't care if you found out--he wanted you to know he's got someone else on his side when you don't want to act right.

 

Like you said, he's singing this song because he got caught. If you were still oblivious to it, it'd still be going on. What does that tell you about how he actually esteems you?

 

If you want to play games by "making him suffer", understand that's a game that can backfire on you. What will you do when he calls your bluff and you're caught out?

 

You say you love him, but how much do you love yourself? If this was your child telling you this, would you encourage her to stay with him? I complete disagree with giving him another chance--to do what? Lull you back into a stupor and pick his emotional cheating ways up again behind your back and doing a better job of covering his tracks?

 

You're only young once. Don't squander your youth behind someone who esteems you as slenderly as this cretin does.

[Veryconfusedtyla]

Update: I thank everyone for their replies. A lot has been helpful, this is a hard time as it came from no where. One minute you’re planning date night and the next you to prepare to let go of someone you really love. But Im going to take some time to myself, to think through everything and fully process this. I don’t think I’ll give him a chance, someone pointed out how this is only the first year and hes already cheated for months. I deserve a love that won’t cheat and at 23 I know he’s out there but I’m going to take the time to get back to myself and focus on my main priorities like my career goals. He may have been remorseful and young and stupid, maybe he could’ve learned from his mistakes but I don’t want to settle. I think everyone should experience a love where you don’t have to suffer first to get the love and appreciate you deserved from the beginning.

 

Thank you again.

[BaileyB]

You are very wise.

 

Don’t settle. Without trust, a relationship has no solid base. You are still very young, there is no need to settle down with a man. There is someone out there who will love you and be loyal to you.

 

Best wishes.

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't give him a second chance.

 

You're young, not married and no kids, and the relationship was relatively short. I would see little reason to attempt to resuscitate something that has evidently been broken for a while, even if you didn't really know it until now.

 

Personally, I wouldn't invest the time and money in couple's counselling under these circumstances.

[Mr. Lucky]

Update: I think everyone should experience a love where you don’t have to suffer first to get the love and appreciate you deserved from the beginning.

 

One other thing that stood out in your post was the fighting. I don’t think my wife and I said a cross word to each other in the first year, so the discord seems an additional red flag.

 

If you want an excuse to argue, wait til you have kids. !

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cyndyrr327]

Well, the moment that things got tough in your relationship, his solution was to turn away from you to seek support and entertain himself elsewhere. That tells you a lot about the man and it is a huge red flag.

 

If you decide to stay with him, I would not marry him without some pretty serious pre-marital counselling.

 

I agree its a red flag, but he's also young and maybe this is immaturity. It could be either, just him being immature and not knowing how to handle problems in your relationship OR this is a pattern that could repeat throughout your relationship. Really there's no way to tell. I would not marry him for at least 4-5 years and see how it goes. Counseling wouldn't hurt, men are just more immature than women and it could help him understand what to do when things go wrong in your relationship.

 

But if you can really listen to your gut, I bet you'll figure it out!

[kendahke]

he's also young and maybe this is immaturity. It could be either, just him being immature and not knowing how to handle problems in your relationship

 

 

Give him an award for being a good boy.

 

 

At some point, young and immature people have to learn about boundaries and consequences for offensive behavior--otherwise, they remain developmentally stunted and never learn to do better.

 

 

it's about time he learned what adulting is about.

[rjc149]

There is no realistic expectation for a 24 year old kid to remain forever faithful to his 23 year old girlfriend. I'm not dismissing your hurt feelings because you're young, but just putting this into perspective from the viewpoint of a man in his 30's. Relationships in my 20's never lasted over a year. Friends of mine who married in their 20's have now been divorced. Some on their 2nd marriages already, some still single, but all of them with an ex spouse. *All* of them.

 

But let's look at this in a vacuum regardless of age. Your boyfriend's way of coping with relationship trouble is to start casting his net and lining up your replacement. He's shown you exactly who he is.

 

You give him another chance, he'll end up cheating on you. He won't as long as the relationship is going well and he's happy. But all relationships hit rough patches.

 

Take him back, and it's a matter of time. Maybe a long time. But a matter of time.

[preraph]

Maybe look him up when he's 30 and maybe by then he will be ready to settle down.

[schlumpy]

I want to take him back but I want him to struggle first. I want him to hurt and go through hell so he knows to never do this again. I’ve blocked him and rejected all his proposals of fixing this. Its been extremely hard because I really just want to give him the chance to make this right.

 

What should I do?? What would you do?? Leave him and move on? Or make him work hard to earn a second chance??

 

Consequences. It's the only way we learn from mistakes.

 

Make him win you again. Before he comes back he has to have it fixed firmly in his mind that you can live without him. It's all on him and what he does to convince you he's worth a second chance. I don't think talk and promises are going to do it.

 

He can give you all his passwords and still have burner phone in his back pocket.

 

Measure his sincerity by the time he spends fixing his mistake.

 

If he gets tired of waiting and wanders off then as sad as that will make you it would be even sadder if five years from now you had two little ones limiting your options.

 

No matter what the outcome protecting yourself is the best option.