Newbie. Am I wrong in my thinking?

[banjo1234]

I have a lady I love. We have been together a year. We have history of friendship. We reconnected while back. I am having trouble and arguing a lot with my girl basically every month. I do obsess over it. I am looking for validation about my feelings here and also to ask am I wrong in my thinking. I am a logical thinker. I also assume things too.

 

She dated an ex friend last 2 years for 4 months after her divorce and few extras after with him. He as my friend spoke behind my back and to her.

 

We went out as friends while she was drunk I asked about the relationship and she liked him but he had deep issues. Then tells enthusiastically the sex was sooooooooo good. 2X Ouch.

 

I asked her about it when we started dating. Her answer was after her divorce of bad sex years. Dating a very few men who were poor in bed he was able to keep an erection. Now hearing that doesn't make me feel good either. That was her reason.

 

1. That answer though real doesn't make me feel good. What man wants to hear your friends was good cause he kept it up.

2. BW getting such enthusiastic review just from keeping it up is BS. I ask what more made it so great she says nothing. I can't remember tbh. So this creates mistrust.

3. She said after we started dating it wasn't that great. This sounds like appeasement to make me feel better. So, obviously creates mistrust.

 

Our sex life is great. I know it was better. It's the words she said. The sound byte. Right as we were about to begin a relationship. I don't care about the other guys she dated. It's the one guy I unfortunately knew and heard reviews about. See these aren't things I made. Mental movies. I heard the words.

[alphamale]

I don't know wtf you are asking

[d0nnivain]

You asked a Q you had no business asking at a time when she was vulnerable. You purposefully asked while she was drunk. You deliberately manipulated the situation because you assumed that she would tell you the truth when you asked about her prior relationship with your friend.

 

Problem is she did tell you the truth & you can't handle it. You wanted her to stroke your ego & tell you she was the best she ever had. But that is apparently not true & she told you so. Sober she probably would have been able to dodge the Q so as not to hurt your feelings.

 

Now you have to let it go. He may have been better in bed but it may just be that everything in her life had been so bad that any improvement seemed grand. She is with you now. Presumably you are a competent & thoughtful lover plus you have things to offer outside of the bed room.

 

Going forward, never ask Qs about other people's sex lives unless you can handle every answer -- good & bad.

[banjo1234]

Good point. To verbose and mixed up. Ignore it.I tried deleting.

[banjo1234]

Actually she told me this as friends. Issue isn't me being better. That is clear trust me. Issue is even him being #2 sucks. We were talking about relationships that night on a drive. I didn't ask about sex btw.

[banjo1234]

You asked a Q you had no business asking at a time when she was vulnerable. You purposefully asked while she was drunk. You deliberately manipulated the situation because you assumed that she would tell you the truth when you asked about her prior relationship with your friend.

 

Problem is she did tell you the truth & you can't handle it. You wanted her to stroke your ego & tell you she was the best she ever had. But that is apparently not true & she told you so. Sober she probably would have been able to dodge the Q so as not to hurt your feelings.

 

Now you have to let it go. He may have been better in bed but it may just be that everything in her life had been so bad that any improvement seemed grand. She is with you now. Presumably you are a competent & thoughtful lover plus you have things to offer outside of the bed room.

 

Going forward, never ask Qs about other people's sex lives unless you can handle every answer -- good & bad.

 

Actually she told me this as friends. Issue isn't me being better. That is clear trust me. Issue is even him being #2 sucks. We were talking about relationships that night on a drive. I NEVER brought up sex. This was before our relationship.

[d0nnivain]

You asked about the relationship She answered you in a more graphic sexual way then you anticipated.

 

Now you know stuff that you didn't ever want to know. Being bitter isn't going to get you past this

[preraph]

Just so you know, for some reason, a lot of guys (insecure) want to think they're the best whichever woman has ever had in bed. And tbh, this is rarely the case, and good in bed isn't the main priority for most women anyway. That is a man thing. And the ones who stew over it the most do it because they want validation and they want validation because they are insecure and looking for something to up their self-worth. All this does not escape the woman who is having to tread lightly around these inappropriate discussions of stuff that is not the man's business (her sexual history) and only makes the man look insecure and less attractive.

 

Try to remember, most women do not choose the man who is best in bed. They are looking for love. I did a lot of "field studies" when young and from a looser generation, and I can tell you only about two percent of men actually ARE good in bed, but 70 percent of them think they are. Of the men I fell in love with, one had ED, one was lazy in bed and didn't last long but is the person I'd most like to keep getting in bed with because of other factors, and one tried but his penis was too long and I loved making love to him until I found out he was dating other women.

 

It's just ridiculous to feel threatened by any woman's past sexual history or draw any pat conclusions from it or assume she carries a torch for someone simply because they were better in bed than some. That's just not the main thing for women.

 

I would also just point out that what men think is them being good in bed doesn't necessarily jive with what different women think, and also remember what one woman prefers isn't what the next does, and it's still not their Number 1 prerequisite or what makes them stay.