Feeling guilty for wanting out

[JToivonen]

Hello, there.

 

It's my first time posting here on the forum, so please forgive me if I break any rule or do/say something stupid or repetitive.

 

Anyway... I've been married for five years for this wonderful woman. She's smart, beautiful, kind-hearted and very sweet. We have a little girl who I absolutely adore! We have a good relationship. We hardly ever fight, we get along very well, she's fun to be with. She's really great.

 

But I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for quite a while. Even though she's all those things, I want out. And it makes me feel guilty. I mean.. how could someone want to divorce such a wonderful woman?

 

Well, I have a reason: I'm gay.

 

I didn't know I was gay when we got married. I truly loved her and my feelings for her were for real. But I also always had this struggle with my sexuality inside of me. Coming from a very conservative Christian background, I really couldn't address it. It was just a matter of shutting the door and that was it. Being gay was sinful, something from Satan. Being a very masculine guy didn't help me either, because I had all those silly stereotypes that for a man to be gay he'd have to look feminine.

 

Besides, I've always been told that God could heal anything, so He could heal me...so I thought. I thought that, through prayer and doing the right thing (marrying to a woman, building a family, having kids) the gay side of me would go away.

 

It never did.

 

So here I am, wanting out. Desperately. I don't want to be a lie anymore. I want to live true to myself! But I feel incredibly guilty.

 

Guilty for not telling her I was questioning my sexuality before we got married (I came clean to her in September last year). Guilty for not being able to stand to my promises of eternal love "until death tear us apart". Guilty for being with her, having to pretend to be straight while all I want is to be with a guy. Guilty for making her fall in love so badly with me (she really, really loves me) and now I'm pulling myself away. Guilty for breaking her heart. Guilty for taking the thing she enjoys the most in life away from her.

 

I rationally know that it is the right thing to do. Since I came out to her, we have been living a miserable life. She asked me so many times for me to try harder to overcome it...she believes God can bring cure and tells me that Satan is causing a turmoil in my soul but that God is going to heal me and we'll be an even more passionate couple than before. I know it won't happen...but she's in total denial.

 

Because of all that, I feel worthless. I feel like a pig. But I want to make things right.

 

Sorry for the long post, I needed to vent a little.

[Happy Lemming]

Have you had sex with a man??

 

Could you be bi-sexual??

[schlumpy]

You should not feel good about this. Instead of facing up to your own emotional conflicts you have used a innocent person as a shield and now she will pay the price.

 

There is no easy way out of this and there will be lots of pain and heartache for all involved.

 

I suggest you do it with a third party participating. In that, I mean a Pasteur from the church or a counselor. It would be better if it was someone your wife could trust. She will need the third party support.

 

I think it will go much better for your feelings if you just take all of the emotional hurt on yourself for the moment and allow her to process what will be quite a shock. She may vent also.

 

Make it as easy as possible for her and know that once the pain subsides that sometime in the future she may find that she can forgive.

[submart]

Welcome to LS.

 

From what you said your wife is fully aware that you are gay. Denial is a natural process of grieving the relationship you had. However, you told her over a year ago. What has happened since then?

 

1. Have you two spoken with a counselor together?

2. Have you talked about ending your relationship?

3. Are you still religious? Is it impacting you moving forward?

[S2B]

Be true to yourself. Be a good ex husband and father.

 

Make sure your wife and child have plenty of money to be supported. Spend time with your child.

 

But do not pretend and do get honest.

 

Your wife is in denial - see a counselor with her to help her accept reality.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I want to make things right.

 

Sorry my friend, but if you're going to make an omelette, have to break some eggs. As others have indicated, no easy way here. Having had the discussion with your wife, you may have to accept she'll confide in others if you move towards separation and divorce.

 

Have you come out to friends or family yet?

 

Mr. Lucky

[JToivonen]

Have you had sex with a man??

 

Could you be bi-sexual??

 

Yes, I have...I had to do that in order to understand who I really was. I'm not proud of that though, since I cheated on her, so I stopped doing that altogether. I don't wanna have a parallel life.

 

Still, for me having sex with a man is so much better, so much more fulfilling than with a woman...and it's not only the sex itself. The thing is I've been longing to have something serious with a man for quite a while now.

 

I tried to see myself as a bi man, but I'm not.

[JToivonen]

You should not feel good about this. Instead of facing up to your own emotional conflicts you have used a innocent person as a shield and now she will pay the price.

 

There is no easy way out of this and there will be lots of pain and heartache for all involved.

 

I suggest you do it with a third party participating. In that, I mean a Pasteur from the church or a counselor. It would be better if it was someone your wife could trust. She will need the third party support.

 

I think it will go much better for your feelings if you just take all of the emotional hurt on yourself for the moment and allow her to process what will be quite a shock. She may vent also.

 

Make it as easy as possible for her and know that once the pain subsides that sometime in the future she may find that she can forgive.

I don't feel good about this, not at all!

 

I understand your point of you, but I didn't use her as a shield. I agree with you in the sense that I should have been completely honest with her regarding my struggles...but how could I, if the whole world around me said it was something sick, wicked and disgusting? And so truly believed those things would be overcome.

 

Besides, I truly loved her. All my feelings for her were real. I truly believed marrying her was the right thing to do.

 

We've been having some counselling from church leaders, but honestly I don't know if it's helpful, because they keep saying that being gay is a sim, something from the devil and that if I try harder, I'll overcome it all. She believes them.

 

I suggested trying something different, but she only wants to hear those who are going to say the things she wants to hear.

[JToivonen]

Welcome to LS.

 

From what you said your wife is fully aware that you are gay. Denial is a natural process of grieving the relationship you had. However, you told her over a year ago. What has happened since then?

 

1. Have you two spoken with a counselor together?

2. Have you talked about ending your relationship?

3. Are you still religious? Is it impacting you moving forward?

 

Thank you for the welcome!

 

1 - I've spoken with some church leaders who keep telling us that if I try harder, God will wash the gay away;

2 - Yes, I have. But she gets desperate and begs me to stay and try one more time. It triggers guilt in me, so everytime I say I want to leave, she reacts like that, I feel awfully guilty and decide to stay and try one more time, although I know it won't work;

3 - Regarding religion I guess I'm coming to terms with it. I've been reading some articles about inclusive churches and how people misinterpreted and manipulated the Bible all those years and I'm feeling a lot better now.

[JToivonen]

Be true to yourself. Be a good ex husband and father.

 

Make sure your wife and child have plenty of money to be supported. Spend time with your child.

 

But do not pretend and do get honest.

 

Your wife is in denial - see a counselor with her to help her accept reality.

I want to make sure they'll have everything they need. I won't let them down regarding money.

 

I believe I'm a good father. I'm crazy about my kid and she's crazy about me too. And I don't want to break this wonderful, special bond.

[JToivonen]

Sorry my friend, but if you're going to make an omelette, have to break some eggs. As others have indicated, no easy way here. Having had the discussion with your wife, you may have to accept she'll confide in others if you move towards separation and divorce.

 

Have you come out to friends or family yet?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

When I came out to her, I told her that I didn't want her to carry this burden alone, so she could talk to anyone about it, as long as the person she chose was trustworthy. Since then she confided to some people. All of them have the same religious idea of her - Satan has told found a breach in my soul, entered my mind and my heart and is causing turmoil.

 

I have come out to some family members (my mother and my sister, specifically) and some friends. My friends were mostly supportive, saying they'd be by my side no matter what I did. My sister said she'd love me regardless of anything, but said that she believed I should stay married and try harder to overcome gay feelings and urges. My mother panicked and cried for days. She doesn't accept it.