Stay or Go

[BeansOnToast46]

Hello all. Myself and my girlfriend have been together for well over 10 years. It's mostly been good with lots of holidays over the years and in that time we have 2 young girls who we both love deeply. My girlfriend is a loving, generous person who has a heart of gold and only wants the best in life. She has a well paid job that pays for a lot more than my job does but she works long hours and at times we are like ships passing in the night. I work in the public eye and work shift work and have a decent standard of living.

What I like about my girlfriend is that she doesn't need me to survive. Meaning she is well paid and self sufficient. My problem is this. My girlfriend has and still is a party girl and doesn't have an off button when alcohol or should i say wine is flowing. She likes a good drink and I'm more of a social drinker or even a none drinker at times. Where as my girlfriend uses alcohol to wind down after work. This annoys me as I see a difference quickly in her behaviour. There's been times over the years when I've been attacked by her but she doesn't always remember what she has done. She is always remorseful but has reverted back from time to time with arguing or aggressive behaviour around me. Just recently I gave myself a cut off point. Where I said to myself if I suffer again with my girlfriends behaviour then I'm leaving. We both went on 2 nights out with each other and the night ended with the same outcome. Arguments and she banishes me to the spare room with insults, i lay in bed pretending to be asleep until she goes to bed herself. In the past I've dreaded her coming home as she is a real handful whens shes had a drink and it's just a matter of time until she falls asleep and all is good again. Plus there is very little intimacy or virtually none existent at times due many reasons and our working hours doesn't help. I enjoy sex with her but as I work shift work and she works long hours it can be difficult at times.

 

During the last 5 weeks I have been sleeping in the spare room as I had told her I'm moving out because of the current problems we have.There has been a school issue just recently which lasted about 6 weeks but to be honest about it will continue for as long as my daughter is at that school. The problem drove a wedge between myself and the GF and what you don't know about my GF is that as things get more stressful I get more determined but the GF stops fighting and wants the problem to go away. Which then leads me to get frustrated with her. I then feel isolated from her and betrayed and makes me look stupid. The Gf has done this before many years ago where I was assaulted by a individual on a night out. I pressed charges but the dispute my Gf had with this individual which was going to court was abandoned by my Gf. As again she fell short of having the GO in her to take things further. I am fed up with the same reoccurring problem that doesn't improve. My feelings for her are changing and im wondering if its time to move on.

 

If i decide to move out I have another property that I can move into but it's a matter of moving my tenants out. My girlfriend knows I mean business as I have recently had the house we both share valued. Knowing this she was distraught and couldn't stop crying one night and had palpitations and couldn't sleep. I am really not happy with the living conditions I have and I have left her once before but this was a time well before my children were born. My girlfriend has recently made improvements to our relationship by eliminating her alcohol intake during the week but last Sunday succumbed to her old tricks again when she had too much to drink on a family meal.we both had agreed 2 weeks earlier that we will have a 6 month improvement period to help us both. I wasn't there at the meal but picked them up after I finished work. She knew she had annoyed me as she went straight to bed on returning home. Our problem has been around since we both met. Her mother tells me she has enjoyed a good drink since she moved out of her mums house. My girlfriend appears to be trying with the above problems but in my experience of being with my her, the problems will return eventually. In the past i have said to myself, when do i say enough is enough. As it is right now my GF keeps asking me am I happy or do I still love her. In my mind shes looking for reassurances but I cant give her that. so I don't reply to her text.

 

The last 10 months in my work has changed a lot as there is more females coming into my working environment. During my work I have noticed one particular female to be showing me some interest. As shes showing me interest its causing me to show her attention to. I do like her a lot but I'm not sure of her private life. Meaning is she single or not, married or not or does she have children. I don't work in the same area as this female all the time but can at times work a full shift with her but there's many people about and can be difficult to hold a good conversation with her. Today I worked with her and each time I work with her my gut feeling reacts to things that happen around her. I am bursting to find out if she's attached or not. It's not really something that can be subtly asked if she is interested in me or not but I really don't want to miss out as in my past I should of reacted to attention but didn't and i have been left in frustration as i'm not the most forward of people. But I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend and it's not me to have relations with other people when I'm with someone. I would prefer to move away from our home and start again if need be but my problem isn't just about me or the Gf its about our 2 daughters as well and I don't want to rock the boat if things improve dramatically at home.

 

I'm not looking for answers to my problem but just your thoughts and to listen to my thoughts. Thanks for reading.

[Hopeful928]

I actually posted yesterday for the first time and your issue resonated with me. In my post I mentioned that I had lashed out on my husband during times of drinking and saying hurtful things. And just like your GF I would apologize and feel so upset about it but eventually I did it again. The last outburst was when my husband decided to move out and he has been gone for a month now.

 

Now for my part I feel like my husband moving out has been a huge wake up call. I decreased my drinking and have started seeing a therapist. I told him I really want to work on the marriage and it seems the same for your GF, she wants to keep the relationship.

 

I have suspected that my husband has some interest in someone or some kind of affair for him to be so adamant about moving out and not trying again to work out especially since we have kids and here you are mentioning that you are interested in someone.

 

So for the person possibly on the similar end as your GF, why not just focus on your issues with her, be it deciding to permanently split or giving it a last go? I think trying to involve yourself or get to know someone else is going to just muddle everything up and make it more complicated than it already is. I think sometimes when people are in pain and overwhelmed they look for and latch on to any shiny new object to take their mind off of what they are going through. So again I say focus on fixing or ending things with your GF. If you do end it with her that is going to hurt enough. Why give her the added pain of immediately starting a new relationship and have her wondering if you were cheating on her during your relationship and that is the reason why you ended it.

[BeansOnToast46]

Thankyou for your message. In my mind I dont need a shiny object to latch onto. In the cold light of day the other person doesnt even come into the equation. I haven't made an approach to the female and vice versa. When writing about the female in my post I did wonder if I really should be writing it as part of my message as I may be wrong about her. But I included it on the basis of letting others know my thoughts. My Gf has asked on numerous occasions if there is someone else and I have said no and my answer is still no and I'm not lieing because I'm not lieing. My feelings were already swayed away from my Gf anyway. So back to the real problem and that is alcohol and the other things that's affecting our relationship. Is it really wrong of me for after 6 months of trying to work things out and if they improve or not, to just walk away and start my new life. As I have said above I know the problem will come back. My aim is to get past Christmas and review it as I'm not wanting to spoil xmas time.

Edited November 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Hopeful928]

I think only you can determine when enough is enough. It sounds like you have your mind made up because you have said that your feelings for your girlfriend have already been swayed. You did discuss with her the six month time frame for improvement and as you mentioned she fell back to drinking so I think that seems to be your answer. Maybe you're moving out will help her to realize you mean business this time and help her to get the help she needs and from there who knows where it can go. Hopefully someone can give you a better answer, I just wanted to give you a perspective from someone in your GF's position.

[d0nnivain]

My first thought is that you need to stay away from this other woman at work until you finish your present relationship. Cheating will make things worse. Monkey-branching isn't the answer either. If you want to end your present relationship, end it but don't end it because you think some other woman might be interested.

 

You mentioned that your GF attacked you. If there is violence in the relationship, get out & take your kids. You have to keep them safe.

 

If it's just yelling, that isn't good either but it's workable. Attend a few Al-anon meetings. That is a support group for people in love with people who have an addiction to alcohol. Repeatedly drinking to the point of passing out is a problem. Would the families consider supporting you while you have a mini intervention with your GF so she is told how her drinking adverse affects everyone else.

 

Do consult a lawyer about child support & custody before you do anything.

[spiritedaway2003]

My first thought is that you need to stay away from this other woman at work until you finish your present relationship. Cheating will make things worse. Monkey-branching isn't the answer either. If you want to end your present relationship, end it but don't end it because you think some other woman might be interested.

 

I don't have a lot to offer on your situation with your gf, but I would second the advice by d0nnivain. Although it's not in your nature to start a relationship when you're in one, you'd be surprised how it can easily happen. Fight for your current relationship or end it. Stay away from this other woman until you have a resolution with your current relationship. While you have not yet done anything, if you are "bursting to find out if she's attached or not", it means your interest is piqued. Stay away and don't complicate things. Figure out your existing relationship first. Best of luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

beansontoas, I don’t know anyone who drinks to the degree your GF does without having it spill over into other parts of their life - career, parenting, health, etc. If she’s not an alcoholic, she at least has a problem with alcohol.

 

And so that’s where I’d begin. Any talk about saving the relationship would revolve around her getting treatment and staying sober.

 

You seem to minimize the effect of all this on your daughters. Watching mom get drunk at a family meal isn’t the role model you want and all the ensuing drama and tension between the two of you is felt by them. And I’d guess walking away would only make things worse.

 

Forget Shift Work Sally, your family needs you. Plenty on your plate already...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BeansOnToast46]

My first thought is that you need to stay away from this other woman at work until you finish your present relationship. Cheating will make things worse. Monkey-branching isn't the answer either. If you want to end your present relationship, end it but don't end it because you think some other woman might be interested.

 

You mentioned that your GF attacked you. If there is violence in the relationship, get out & take your kids. You have to keep them safe.

 

If it's just yelling, that isn't good either but it's workable. Attend a few Al-anon meetings. That is a support group for people in love with people who have an addiction to alcohol. Repeatedly drinking to the point of passing out is a problem. Would the families consider supporting you while you have a mini intervention with your GF so she is told how her drinking adverse affects everyone else.

 

Do consult a lawyer about child support & custody before you do anything.

 

Hi. your 1st paragraph i am very mindful of and it is very close to my heart that people don't jump to conclusions about why I left if I do leave. I think a lot about my reputation and I don't want it tarnished from gossip of others. Alcohol does have a place in my Gfs life as she has just proved it again by buying alcohol for my childs Birthday party at our house tonight. I will see how she reacts tonight while drinking. thanks for your message aswell.

[BeansOnToast46]

I don't have a lot to offer on your situation with your gf, but I would second the advice by d0nnivain. Although it's not in your nature to start a relationship when you're in one, you'd be surprised how it can easily happen. Fight for your current relationship or end it. Stay away from this other woman until you have a resolution with your current relationship. While you have not yet done anything, if you are "bursting to find out if she's attached or not", it means your interest is piqued. Stay away and don't complicate things. Figure out your existing relationship first. Best of luck.

 

Hey. first of all there isn't another female involved in my problem. It may be all in my mind but as an adult i do see the signs and it is very difficult to ignore them. I now wish i hand't of included that part in my initial post as many are focusing on it too much. but saying that it is very good advice and i'm doing my best already to not push the issue with the female if or when I do work with her.

 

My problem hasn't just occurred, its been around for many years and I am really fed up with baby sitting an adult who likes a drink but doesn't know how to manage the quantity she drinks. I am becoming resentful to her in many ways right now as she is trying to right her wrongs by sending me picture messages of how she feels about me. thanks for your message

[BeansOnToast46]

beansontoas, I don’t know anyone who drinks to the degree your GF does without having it spill over into other parts of their life - career, parenting, health, etc. If she’s not an alcoholic, she at least has a problem with alcohol.

 

And so that’s where I’d begin. Any talk about saving the relationship would revolve around her getting treatment and staying sober.

 

You seem to minimize the effect of all this on your daughters. Watching mom get drunk at a family meal isn’t the role model you want and all the ensuing drama and tension between the two of you is felt by them. And I’d guess walking away would only make things worse.

 

Forget Shift Work Sally, your family needs you. Plenty on your plate already...

 

Mr. Lucky

Hi. again there is no shift work sally. But i do know what you mean. For me its about how fed up I am with being a baby sitter for her. Shes had enough chances over the years and a big wake up call would be to leave. That way she knows there's no person at home to rescue her from her bad habits. Shes not a bad person but a very nice person who thinks of others before herself BUT unfortunately likes a drink. In her mind is this, I work hard so i deserve a drink OR It's weekend so I can have a drink. But up to 2 weeks ago drank every night.

[BeansOnToast46]

I think only you can determine when enough is enough. It sounds like you have your mind made up because you have said that your feelings for your girlfriend have already been swayed. You did discuss with her the six month time frame for improvement and as you mentioned she fell back to drinking so I think that seems to be your answer. Maybe you're moving out will help her to realize you mean business this time and help her to get the help she needs and from there who knows where it can go. Hopefully someone can give you a better answer, I just wanted to give you a perspective from someone in your GF's position.

 

Hi. christmas time will be a good bench mark to look at. There will be plenty of alcohol around then. I will then see how she handles it. But for me I know what will happen. she will come to me or text me to say she hasn't had a drink .That only means one thing in my experience with her and that means shes been thinking about having a drink. I will see what happens. your replies do help so keep posting if you would like to give me further advice.

 

As for your husband leaving how do you feel about it all??

[elaine567]

Hey. first of all there isn't another female involved in my problem. It may be all in my mind but as an adult i do see the signs and it is very difficult to ignore them. I now wish i hand't of included that part in my initial post as many are focusing on it too much. but saying that it is very good advice and i'm doing my best already to not push the issue with the female if or when I do work with her.

 

The other woman

We get it all the time on here.

Long rant about my wife/gf/partner being terrible to live with, then we get to the nitty gritty, often added on to the end just like you did.

There is this attractive woman...

 

You want to leave all your problems behind and relax into the arms of another...

We get it, I don't blame you, but you have two kids, you need to try to sort this out for their sake. Also you have enough problems, an OW at work will just add to them and as you are somewhat "desperate", your picker will be well off kilter. Frying pan and fire come to mind.

 

Your wife.

Unhappy people drink alcohol in excess to self medicate, to soothe the pain.

What are her core issues?

Alcohol and kids don't mix.

Alcohol and verbal and physical abuse is a big NO, NO.

You need to lay it on the line, she gets help or you are gone taking the kids with you.

Seek professional help here and if you feel you or your kids are in danger leave. You may be a big bloke but domestic abuse and violence is no laughing matter, so if no improvement get out before your confidence is so shot, you can't ever leave.

[Hopeful928]

Hi. christmas time will be a good bench mark to look at. There will be plenty of alcohol around then. I will then see how she handles it. But for me I know what will happen. she will come to me or text me to say she hasn't had a drink .That only means one thing in my experience with her and that means shes been thinking about having a drink. I will see what happens. your replies do help so keep posting if you would like to give me further advice.

 

As for your husband leaving how do you feel about it all??

 

I think that that timeframe sounds fair and only thing I would advise is tell her about it. Make it very clear that you would like to see some improvement by Christmas. I really hope she understands the seriousness of it and gets the help that she needs.

 

I am going through an emotional rollercoaster with my husband leaving. I was doing well the first month, trying to focus on me but when things went well and he declined to come back home I fell and started the begging etc. and now I feel like I started the whole process again, super miserable and depressed and like I have pushed him away again. My husband also said something similar to what you said about you GF, he said that he knows me and knows that I will fall back to my old ways. For me I feel like him leaving has really shocked me into how serious this is and how I need to change. I feel like I can change and I am sad that he doesn't believe I can so now I am just trying to focus more on me. I think I have a long road to prove to him that I am improving and for him it just might be too late.

[preraph]

The only thing that is going to fix your gf is if she takes her drinking problem seriously and gets in AA and just quits. If her personality changes, no one can be expected to put up with that, even if it's only one day a week, and that is still alcoholism.

 

As far as other women, I strongly advise you do not bring anyone else into the cluster**** as it will only make everything twice as confusing and hard to sort out. Be sensible. Decide what to do about this and do it. Don't complicate matters with another woman. I think at this point an AA ultimatum is not unreasonable. The other thing is you have to be sure she's not ever driving drunk with your kids in the car and you have to realize, they do know what's going on. So how you react to it, whether you endorse it by staying and putting up with it or send the message this is not acceptable is on your shoulders.

[Mr. Lucky]

Shes had enough chances over the years and a big wake up call would be to leave. That way she knows there's no person at home to rescue her from her bad habits.

 

And who rescues your kids from an alcoholic parent?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BeansOnToast46]

I think that that timeframe sounds fair and only thing I would advise is tell her about it. Make it very clear that you would like to see some improvement by Christmas. I really hope she understands the seriousness of it and gets the help that she needs.

 

I am going through an emotional rollercoaster with my husband leaving. I was doing well the first month, trying to focus on me but when things went well and he declined to come back home I fell and started the begging etc. and now I feel like I started the whole process again, super miserable and depressed and like I have pushed him away again. My husband also said something similar to what you said about you GF, he said that he knows me and knows that I will fall back to my old ways. For me I feel like him leaving has really shocked me into how serious this is and how I need to change. I feel like I can change and I am sad that he doesn't believe I can so now I am just trying to focus more on me. I think I have a long road to prove to him that I am improving and for him it just might be too late.

 

What I keep saying to myself is , why cant you or my Gf see what your doing to your loved one. I've had it before where my Gf has been driven home, helped to the front door, pushed into the house with her friend and collapsed on the floor unconscious. Plus other stuff over the years. She doesn't do that every week or every month but it has happened. Have you done anything similar??

[BeansOnToast46]

The only thing that is going to fix your gf is if she takes her drinking problem seriously and gets in AA and just quits. If her personality changes, no one can be expected to put up with that, even if it's only one day a week, and that is still alcoholism.

 

As far as other women, I strongly advise you do not bring anyone else into the cluster**** as it will only make everything twice as confusing and hard to sort out. Be sensible. Decide what to do about this and do it. Don't complicate matters with another woman. I think at this point an AA ultimatum is not unreasonable. The other thing is you have to be sure she's not ever driving drunk with your kids in the car and you have to realize, they do know what's going on. So how you react to it, whether you endorse it by staying and putting up with it or send the message this is not acceptable is on your shoulders.

 

I do agree with you about bringing complications into it. As for children, I am on your wave length. I am mindful of them and I do know they notice as when they play they pretend to drink wine. My Gf knows this and is also mindful of it all. I wont be reminding my Gf about her drinking as anyone can skip a few drinks in the short term to make amends. It's the long term that's difficult. I live by the term, if you give someone enough rope they will hang themselves. They are their own boss and not me to run someone else's life. Plus my problem doesnt stop at just drinking. Its alot more than that. We had a dispute with the school and when we eventually got my daughter back into school, my Gf went soft on the issue and left me hanging and I was the one doing the arguing with the school. We needed to be rock solid together but she basically turned her back on me. Which has left me public enemy number one with the HT. I'm not too bothered about that but it's the bigger picture of others who haven't been told the truth about what went on. I.e other teachers in the school.

[Hopeful928]

What I keep saying to myself is , why cant you or my Gf see what your doing to your loved one. I've had it before where my Gf has been driven home, helped to the front door, pushed into the house with her friend and collapsed on the floor unconscious. Plus other stuff over the years. She doesn't do that every week or every month but it has happened. Have you done anything similar??

 

No I haven't. I think your girlfriend is an alcoholic whereas I am not. My husband and I both drink socially and on weekends. We always would have our drinks to have a good time. Now when we started having problems the drinking fun times started to go sour. I was letting my self drink to excess and then using that time to talk about our problems. Then it would be the calling names, belittling him, threatening divorce etc. I did let this happen again even after he told me it was unacceptable. Did I know I was hurting him? Yes, but he was also hurting me. My husband self admittedly does not like to communicate and he will bottle up his issues instead of talking about them. So he was pulling away from the marriage and I was asking him if something was wrong and he kept denying it. So the latest blow up centered around that. Was it right that I allowed his behavior to give me permission to act out again? No. And I think my central issue lies there. I need to learn to deal with my anger in a healthier way. Even if he was pulling away from me I should have found a better way to confront him instead of getting drunk and picking an argument.

[BeansOnToast46]

So your both lacking in communicating with one another? Then once you have had a drink all the problems come out. That's kind of the way my Gf is. I am just fed up with the same old cycle we have and that's why I want to move on.

Edited November 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Hopeful928]

Exactly! We have problems communicating and got into a toxic rollercoaster that we seem to not be able to get off. My thing is that we have two children and, in my view, had a good marriage overall and love each other so why not try to make it work? I got the I love you but I'm not in love with you but, call me stubborn, I do think deep down he still loves me but does not see a way out of this rough patch we have been in and that is why he left. So I am staying hopeful and trying to work on me and hope that this can help to eventually save us.

Edited November 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed