Love2015 Posted November 7, 2019 Share Posted November 7, 2019 How to stop loving someone who was never yours to begin with? I only went out with one guy twice. He dumped on first date after kissing as in he stood me up at restaurant saying he was moving the car. He then next day apologized He played hot and cold for 4 months after ..loads of drama involved. Met him one more time and it was nice. Then he decided we should only be friends It's been 4 days I went no contact because I am hurt he doesn't consider me as potential gf. But I don't understand why am I so. Hurt when I don't know him and he was not that of a saint. Why do I have feeling of love when I know it's not love .unless there is something called love at first sight? I like miss him as if we have been together for loong ..I think of him a lot even when I try not to. I have to tell myself don't call or message him because he doesn't want you relationship way. He said we could be gf / bf but he knows in long run we will not be "it" because he says I am explosive and he is peaceful. But reality is he is the one going hot and cold. Do you have any suggestions for coping a love that was not love? Link to post Share on other sites
Bluebelle38 Posted November 7, 2019 Share Posted November 7, 2019 This isn't about him at all. It's about how you view yourself. If you had healthy self esteem you'd have not given him a second chance to hurt you after the first time he treated you badly. This is not a good guy, please focus on that. He'd have only caused you pain. I'd suggest therapy to build you up so you don't feel so hurt when a loser rejects you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love2015 Posted November 23, 2019 Author Share Posted November 23, 2019 (edited) Long story short. Guy I went in date before in July who stood me up at restaurant after kissing each other, who asked me for money then started misbehaving, who then met me and we were ok. Today he claims he wants just friends. We have not dated really but I tried to be friends and it's not working out because I feel rejected and he in short not truly being a friend. Like just a text buddy. I don't need that. I feel so connected to him but it's true we are nothing Besides one kiss, we were never physical. I don't know how to detox and will I find someone in future? How I see it we could be communicating better and being together. But right now it's cats and dogs. If I don't msg, he contacts me..when I do msg him ..he ignores me. He doesn't want to be something and I don't think friendship is working. We don't know each other then why do we care enough to fight so much? Give advice. I tried it all. I blocked..he started calling from private number. I tried to talk ...it's not working out. When I move on..he come after me then when I pay attention he says friend. I am not dating anyone otherwise but still would like to find someone who we both like each other. Oh he gave me crap that we should be friends because we could be gf/bf..with sex and all and I will get attached and in long run it won't work because I am explosive and he is calmer. Who says two different personalities cannot be together? Edited November 23, 2019 by Love2015 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 He sounds like a total player and I'm sure you deserve better! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 I don't think this guy is any good for you. If he's not just playing games, feeding his ego, or keeping you on the back burner, then you want completely different things. Suggest you be much firmer in cutting him off. When he calls from an unlisted number hang up as soon as you hear it's him. When he emails, delete without reading. If you happen to run into him out and about, just leave/walk the other way. Find someone who likes you the way you WANT to be liked. It's only fair to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 [quote=mark clemson;7896778 Suggest you be much firmer in cutting him off. When he calls from an unlisted number hang up as soon as you hear it's him. When he emails, delete without reading. If you happen to run into him out and about, just leave/walk the other way. Totally agree with the bolded. You are not powerless in this situation by any means. Why are you letting him decide what happens in your love life? Maybe you are choosing to let him in each time because you are hopeful each time. It's like you acknowledge it will never be anything but then keep letting him worm his way in. If you stop letting that happen, you will have space in your heart for a new person and hope for your future possibilities. So it's starts with you not allowing him to mess with your forward motion or your hope. Lastly, i would just add for something for you to think about: part of the reason he is not as attracted to you as he would need to be to have a relationship with you is the powerless vibe itself. People (and guys) typically like people where it's not all one-sided, where the person isn't a pushover etc. I'm not saying things could change with this guy--it's probably a dynamic that is already fixed in his mind about you--but I am saying having your own power and utilizing it will be your friend in the future with other guys. Try not to rollover so much--do things more on your terms. That doesn't mean playing games -- much like the cycle you may be stuck in now with him. It more means just saying and doing what you want from day one and seeing if the guy who is interested in meets you halfway or probably more than halfway. (if you've consistently been a pushover, you may justified meeting guys "halfway" more liberally than is necessary because it's your own tendency that isn't in your favor). Goodluck Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 (edited) Good luck with that. I think you need to revisit this advice from NOV 7th. This isn't about him at all. It's about how you view yourself. If you had healthy self esteem you'd have not given him a second chance to hurt you after the first time he treated you badly. This is not a good guy, please focus on that. He'd have only caused you pain. I'd suggest therapy to build you up so you don't feel so hurt when a loser rejects you. Edited November 23, 2019 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted November 24, 2019 Share Posted November 24, 2019 Move on. This guy is not that into you and you want him to be. The best thing to do is to eliminate every contact information you may have on him (phone numbers, email address, screen names on forums, etc.), eliminate everything that reminds you of him, and block all contacts with him you may have on social media. I feel you. I had a certain rejection about 5 years ago and for some reason that cut me to the bone, I felt like a complete fool. I erased his number from my phone, blocked him on social media, etc. When things pop up with reference to him on it, I block those people. And they seem to want to block me as well which is ultimately a good thing. But ... It's there still, the hurt and stab in the heart / brain. One has to walk away with their head held high and be in my own little world of happiness. Ever since then there was a black cloud of sadness over me, I'm still not quite over it and doubt I ever will be even though we have never spoken a word since. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 He dumped on first date after kissing as in he stood me up at restaurant saying he was moving the car. What a dreamboat! Come on OP. Do you honestly, in your heart, believe this weak, manipulative, cruel little chode is the best you can do? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 Your pride is hurt, not your feelings. That's why you won't let it go--you've taken it as an affront and you want to get even on some level. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 No, this isn't about love, and "love at first sight" that's infatuation - not love. Not the enduring thing that causes two humans to care for and support each other. Not the thing that causes us to accept people and their faults, and for them to accept us back. Not the thing that allows us to be vulnerable to each other, to trust each other. That is what love looks like. This looks nothing, absolutely nothing like love. This looks like someone that doesn't love themselves enough to demand to be treated well. This looks like someone for some misguided reason allows themselves to be treated with zero respect. Why do you "love" him? It surely isn't because of the way he treats you, or the way he makes you feel about yourself. Why do you allow him to treat you so poorly? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 You aren't in love with him. You're in love with who you hoped he was. But now you know he isn't the person you hoped he'd be, because if he was, this wouldn't have fizzled. The conundrum and part that bugs you is you don't know what was the missing elements. What did he know about himself that made him realize that either you weren't who he was looking for or it wasn't time? You won't ever know that, but rest assured it's his own preferences and desires and you can't do anything about that. Once you accept he isn't the person you hoped he was, you will get over him. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 I mean most people these days ignore numbers that pop up that they don't know because of telemarketers. Why would you pick up unknown numbers when you are trying to block someone? That should be all the more reason not to pick up. Link to post Share on other sites
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