ItsAllConfusing Posted November 9, 2019 Share Posted November 9, 2019 My daughter will be 15 in 4 months. She met this kid in middle school and now they're in high school together. He really likes her and fast forward they are now dating. Problem here is that he's 17 and I think will be 18 in June! I was so firm in my belief that she'd be allowed to date at 17 but then something sparked a change in me. People told me it was good for her and to let her experience this freedom. Then I thought about me as a teen hanging with upperclassmen. I also thought about what if I'm sheltering her too much. She seems happier and wants to go out more. I was happy because she made a friend. She has a hard time making connections but she's made one with him. He also has a hard time making connections as well. But now the old me is coming back and I'm saying to myself what the hell are you doing? Letting your 14 year old date and hang out after school with a 17 year old? What's wrong with you! I'm thinking sex could happen and maybe he might introduce her to smoking or something. I met him and so far he seems nice and very gentleman like. The two spend their time in the library or at bake shops and the mom drives them to and from places. I think this weekend I have to tell her to end it because of the age difference. Any thoughts? On this? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 9, 2019 Share Posted November 9, 2019 I'm thinking sex could happen and maybe he might introduce her to smoking or something. I met him and so far he seems nice and very gentleman like. So keep talking and talking and talking to her about these things (not that it always does any good but it doesn't hurt). And him. I don't see a reason to stop this relationship. The "18 years old" things could come into play in 2 years as well. I know an 18 year old girl dating a 17 year old boy and she even volunteers in his school with one of the sports teams now that she is graduated and he is still a senior. They make sure she's not on the payroll and just volunteering so she is not a staff member dating a student. They laugh about it. It doesn't have to be bad. And June is a far way off. FYI my daughter is 18 and I talk to her about vaping all the damn time. She gets very tired of it, but I don't care. All of her friends vape, including her boyfriend. She thinks it's stupid and sees all the news about it, but I still keep talking to her about it. When I was growing up, my dad talked to my sis and I about smoking constantly.....we knew it was a huge issue....I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted November 9, 2019 Share Posted November 9, 2019 I had the same age difference with my first ever boyfriend, when he turned 18 he left for university at the other end of the country, we did the long distance thing for a while, but eventually we both found other partners. I'd just let her enjoy her friendship, especially if she has difficulties in connecting with others. Just keep on talking about safe sex, and the dangers out there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 9, 2019 Share Posted November 9, 2019 I would never allow my daughter of 14 to date a 17 years old. Last year my 14 year old foster-daughter got hit on by a 17 year old, he asked if he could go see her at school at lunch (they were not in same school), that sent off an alarm at home like you wouldn't believe. I was ready to go at this boy's home and warn his parents to stay away from my daughter. I told my foster-daughter to warn him she was not allowed to date. It solved the matter. Now she is 15 and I allow her to have a boyfriend he is 14. They're not allowed to spend time alone. He visits here, on Saturdays or she visits there, and during their visits parents have to be present. . Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 9, 2019 Share Posted November 9, 2019 I have a 17 year old son and don't see him as any different than a 15 year old girl in terms of maturity, in any way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 9, 2019 Share Posted November 9, 2019 17 years old have drivers licenses, I would die of worry to know she is driven around by another teen, not knowing if he'll drink and drive or if he'll speed, etc. When my teen is 17 then I'll worry about her getting in boys car, at 15 it's not what I want to worry about. I see a world of difference between 15 and 17-18. . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 9, 2019 Share Posted November 9, 2019 17 years old have drivers licenses, I would die of worry to know she is driven around by another teen, not knowing if he'll drink and drive or if he'll speed, etc. . Well, that is true. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted November 9, 2019 Share Posted November 9, 2019 (edited) i feel you have a right to worry ...to me there's a great difference between 14 and seventeen...and she is still 14 for another four months....for one ...one is over the age of consent one is not....not for a whole year and four months..... my daughter lost her virginity at 13 to an older boy...i didnt let my daughter date any boy at 13 ...he called to come with him out on her mobile phone which i allowed her to have ...i thought she was just going for a walk by herself.... my other daughter was 15 when she fell pregnant.....just 15....to an older guy..i feel responsible......i had split from my girls father and they had issues all of my kids because of this break up.....i didnt date because of this choosing to be soley there for them and i still failed.....i had them in therapy and had spiritual and school guidance counsellors.....and i still failed....i have another daughter my youngest one who i dont have problems with guys.....because she is gay...hates men because i feel she has seen how boys have treated her sisters and how her father treated me after the break up...i feel responsible for that too...my daughter being gay.....i am no example fo a mother .....im a failure....ill always be there for them ....thats the only good thing i have done and will do if you think 17 year old boys dont have drive to have sex....even if they are completely good boys....or boys who wouldn't have sex...you never know.....what might happen....if her dad is involved get the dad to scare the living hell out of the boy with his presence in your daughters life...might seem mean and hard but pregnancy young is a lot harder to deal with..... as a single mother what i know is...boys in my girls life...take advantage of my softness.....be hard...as you can ...for your daughters welfare.....she isnt of age yet....deb...... Edited November 9, 2019 by todreaminblue 2 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 ...i feel responsible for that too...i am no example fo a mother .....im a failure....ill always be there for them ....thats the only good thing i have done and will do No DEB. You are way to hard on yourself. ! When minor children make adult decisions then you make them live up to the adult responsibilities that come with those decisions. They don't get to make babies and then go on as if life had not changed and look forward to the prom or Friday nights. You gave birth and attempted to instill a set of values in your children but it was up to them to accept, reject or replace those values. Once they make that decision then it's on them. In no way should you feel responsible for the choices they are making. Did you reserve a hotel room for your daughter and her boyfriend, drive them to the hotel, pick them up in the morning and indicate your approval by buying a nice breakfast? Or did your daughter take advantage of you and slip off to a clandestine meeting where she made a choice? Many years ago I had a friend where I worked and she would tell me about her 17 year old daughter who wanted to quit school. It didn't take much thought to see where this was going. I told her to tell her daughter that if she quits school then she better start looking of her own place to live and job. I explained to her if her quits and she allows her to live at home then a few from now be prepared for her to receive that blame for poor decision. It happened just that way. When her daughter turned twenty and all her friends were in college or moving on to the next stage in life she suddenly realized how she had thrown away her own options in life. She then told my friend Sue that it was her fault because she didn't force her to stay in school. As if such a thing was possible. I just shrugged my shoulders when she told me. To me it was a clear as if I had seen a vision. Your not responsible for the roll of the genetic dice that prewires the brain with pronounced tendencies to be irresponsible. You have enough on your plate. Get yourself to a good place where you like yourself again and then give to your children what you can. Don't let them drag you down. For the purposes of full disclosure I do not have any children so feel free to toss my advice to you in the bit bucket if that is disqualifier for you. BTW, how is spring in OZZY land shaping up this year? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 For the purposes of full disclosure I do not have any children so feel free to toss my advice to you in the bit bucket if that is disqualifier for you. BTW, how is spring in OZZY land shaping up this year? i wouldn't toss away thoughts that are kind schlumpy.....thank you for your thoughtfulness....and you are right...you picked it.... i don't like myself very much at the moment....ill work on that..i appreciate your supportive words... when i read ops post it reminded me about my girls when they were as young, and i know they made poor choices....that had a lot to do with age and a broken home..general lack of foresight and wisdom that fourteen and thirteen year olds havent collected yet.....i just dont think fourteen year olds should date....for multiple reasons..age of consent is one......regardless of how i dont like myself much...i wouldnt want another mother to go through heartache like i have....even though i didnt allow my girls to date underage ....they still made poor choices and rebelled against me.... and i feel being permissive with dating from such a young age...well..might end up the wrong choice to make as a parent......theres plenty of time when they are of age to date.... as far as spring goes its been a fire drenched one around my state and interstate too.......we are heading to one hell hot summer....water shortages and farmers in drought without rain again ...know a rain dance do one for oz we need it... sorry op for this post i hope it doesnt offend you...but my opinion seems to be an alternate one......i felt i had to share.....i wish you and your daughter clarity in the right decision for her ...and the right decision and clarity for your own peace of mind....deb Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 (edited) Fourteen is too young, especially considering what you have previously shared about your daughter and the challenges she has experienced with her own mental health and developing maturity/independence. She is extremely vulnerable and I would be very cautious with this. At fourteen years old, she depends on you to keep her safe because she does not have the brain development, experience, and maturity to make wise choices herself. If you do allow them to stay together, I would put some pretty serious boundaries on when and how they can be together. Again, if it was another child I may give her a little more rope if she has demonstrated that she is mature and responsible. But not at 14 years old. I’d be more understanding if she was 15 or 16 and dating another boy who is in high school. But a 15 year old dating a guy who is in college next year - no way. Fourteen/fifteen year olds are not supposed to have “freedom.” They are supposed to have parents who allow them to develop their own independence as they demonstrate that they have the maturity and judgment to handle the responsibility. Any “freedom” they experience should still occur within the context of clear boundaries. Edited November 10, 2019 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 Any “freedom” they experience should still occur within the context of clear boundaries. Amen. While I don't have a lot of insight into the inner minds of 14-yr old girls, I do remember the thoughts and urges of 17-yr old boys. Doesn't make either one of them bad kids, but IMHO makes the two of them a dangerous mix. She should be interacting with boys - her own age - in group settings with adults present... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) This is a though one... on several levels. Yes... a 17 year old boy will be looking for physical contact, and a 14 year old girl may not have the fortitude to get him to stop. But this is assuming he is that kind of boy. I had several male friends... when I was a teen... that had no intentions of being physical. (They had other interests still) But in this case... it sounds like they have known each other for a while, and this is a relationship that has grown. To simply tell her to stop will be met with resistance. And honestly, it may drive them together with rebellion. (think Romeo and Juliet) Since I have a 13 yo daughter, who is now fully developed (and top heavy)... I can see how the boys are looking at her, and this has been on my mind. Unfortunately... if I was in your position... I wouldn't be trying to separate them... I would be giving her the talk about being safe. I'm not saying that's the best option for your sanity... but you don't want a pregnant 14 year old either. Since they are in the same school... they will continue to interact regardless if you want them to or not. Also, since it sounds like you originally gave it the "green light"... it sets up the perfect storm for your kid to rebel. (that's an issue I'm having with my 13yo going to her mom's house. Mom said she could do what she wanted, now that she is... it's become a battle) Edited November 12, 2019 by Blind-Sided 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ironpony Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 A lot of people seem concerned over a three year difference, even a couple of people I know but is it really that bad? Girls mature faster than boys anyway, so wouldn't her maturity level be more up to him, more likely then? Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 No, I don’t think a 14 year old girl is all that similar to a 17 year old boy. A 33 year old woman is probably closer to a 17 year old boy when it comes to what the 17 year old boy is most likely most interested in. Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 If either of them have been sexually active in the past, there is a good chance both eventually will be. Link to post Share on other sites
ironpony Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 Even if the boy was her own age, of 14, does that really make him less likely to want to have sex? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 I would have the sex talk with your daughter. No way around it. The more supportive you are as her parent, the less likely she will go out of her way to lie to you. Teenagers already lie to their parents (a tale as old as time). It also depends on her personality and her relationship with you and the other parent. Are you two restrictive with her or do you allow her to speak freely with you two about her life. On 11/9/2019 at 8:27 AM, ItsAllConfusing said: But now the old me is coming back and I'm saying to myself what the hell are you doing? Letting your 14 year old date and hang out after school with a 17 year old? What's wrong with you! I'm thinking sex could happen and maybe he might introduce her to smoking or something. I met him and so far he seems nice and very gentleman like. Both of my parents projected a lot of their own teenager baggage on to me and my siblings, thinking they were protecting us. They weren't. My siblings and I all had sex in our teenage years and hid that fact from our parents because they were very restrictive, refused to openly discuss sex and birth control with us, and dismissed our typical teenage cognitive developmental identity crises as "being bratty" as opposed to the truth: we were trying to figure out our identity as an individual, what our goals were, and how we wanted to interact with the world. Whatever you do, do not sabotage your teenager's journey by being over-protective. Rules of engagement apply, but rules, as you know, are made to be broken. Just because her 17 year old boyfriend keeps up appearances, doesn't necessarily mean he's a good egg. Meet his parents. Have BBQs or dinners with him and his parents, to find out how they function as a family. You can investigate your teenager's relationships by being creative rather than restrictive. Just have to make sure you have your 14 year old's respect. If you don't, you'll never get through to her with any of your concerns. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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