Weird text from ex after 8 months NC.. has anyone ever gotten something like this?

[Optimystic]

I've been in NC with my ex for 8 months (10 months broken up total, he cracked and reached out 2 months in, after which I politely asked him to not contact me for a while).

 

On Friday I received this text from him (out of the blue):

 

"goood evenin. hope all's well. if we're on speaking terms again yet, i've got a question. either way, have a blessed wknd."

 

 

Now I know this is probably a safe buffer text to see how I'll react, but it's weird that he can't just ask the question directly. That bothers me.

 

To be clear, I do not want to get back together with him, or even be his friend.. he did some hurtful things that he didn't own up to a few weeks before the breakup.. even though the breakup itself ended relatively amicably (with me not wanting it but finally resigning). That said, I am not completely over him yet.

 

Have any of you ever dealt with someone saying they have a question but don't actually ask it? What did you do? It is a simple baiting tactic? Why do I care?

Edited November 9, 2019 by Optimystic

[PabloP]

Sounds to me like baiting. But as someone who knows him best you would probably have a better idea. It's a tactic to get a response.

[PureAppleJuice]

Sounds like one of those 'get your ex back' texts - where they suggest sending something 'mysterious' in a bid to get your ex's attention. Don't reply if you don't want to.

[divegrl]

Hi,

 

If you have feelings for him, delete the text and move on with the day.

 

If you are over him, simply ask him what his question is in a neutral manner.

 

I see the text as a way for him to get an ego boost. Personally, I would not respond. Have a beautiful day my friend.

[preraph]

He probably read something on the internet how to trick someone into talking to you when they don't want to. You should ignore it. Isn't anything he has to know from you he can't get from Google.

[Optimystic]

Hi,

 

If you have feelings for him, delete the text and move on with the day.

 

If you are over him, simply ask him what his question is in a neutral manner.

 

I see the text as a way for him to get an ego boost. Personally, I would not respond. Have a beautiful day my friend.

 

I'm somewhere in between, but I am getting over him. I think I will ask what his question is, but I have no expectations. I am curious though.

 

I know it's pointless to speculate, but it could be a "Wanted to see if you want to meet for coffee" or something related to being friends again but whatever it is, he's too cowardly to be upfront and it's annoying. I should ignore it, and for now I will. Maybe I'll respond by Monday. He's ignored me in the past, so I don't feel bad about that.

 

It is amazing how NC really does pique the interest of people.. though I've been 'using' it to move on.. still interesting.

[Caauug]

 

"goood evenin. hope all's well. if we're on speaking terms again yet, i've got a question. either way, have a blessed wknd."

 

Maybe I should have done it this way..... Sounds smoother and I might have got a better response.(maybe not!)

 

With my separation I got the house and about 7 yrs after I had paid off the mortgage. I sent the ex an email to say her name was all clear of it. Well, the reply email was a shock, there was no thanks or anything nice. Just everything telling me how heartless I was for not contacting her when her Nan died and a dozen other things that I should have done over the years that were my fault.... As nearly everything I was to blame for (except World Hunger) that was the last time I have contacted her.

[preraph]

OP, what are you going to do if he sets you up to think he's asking you out or to get back together and baits you some more, only so he can have the last laugh? If he has a question, he should have asked the question instead of trying to bait you to see if you're speaking to him. When male exes come back around, it's usually for an ego boost or no obligation sex.

[Optimystic]

OP, what are you going to do if he sets you up to think he's asking you out or to get back together and baits you some more, only so he can have the last laugh? If he has a question, he should have asked the question instead of trying to bait you to see if you're speaking to him. When male exes come back around, it's usually for an ego boost or no obligation sex.

 

As I mentioned before, I have no interest in getting back together with him. I don't want to see him, I don't want to be friends.

 

If anyone is getting the last laugh it's me- because I'm not letting him rope me in. I'm 95% sure it's for an ego boost- he's the kind of person who likes attention, and he's probably not getting enough right now.

 

I'm just going to let it lie for now.

[Optimystic]

Maybe I should have done it this way..... Sounds smoother and I might have got a better response.(maybe not!)

 

Well, considering I'm on the fence about responding, I'd say smooth is not the right adjective to describe it. It's cowardly and calculating.. and frankly, pretty pathetic.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I've been in NC with my ex for 8 months (10 months broken up total, he cracked and reached out 2 months in, after which I politely asked him to not contact me for a while).

 

On Friday I received this text from him (out of the blue):

 

"goood evenin. hope all's well. if we're on speaking terms again yet, i've got a question. either way, have a blessed wknd."

 

I see this differently than you and the other posters do. But, of course, I don't know him and you do.

 

Here's what I see: He genuinely misses you and/or is seeking an answer that may give him closure to the R the two of you had. Doesn't mean he'll treat you right if you were to go back with him, which you've posted you're not going to do and I'm not encouraging you to do.

 

I think after you asked him not to contact you for awhile he may have had hopes and/or expectations that one day you'd reach out to him and let him know it's ok to be in touch. And since you haven't done that, and because he knows he treated you poorly or at least that you believe he has, he feels nervous and/or guilty contacting you again so is gingerly sticking his toe into the water so-to-speak to try and open up a conversation with you.

 

IMO, the way he worded his request was more respectful than to just bluntly ask you the question. It seems to me, he's testing the waters yet making it clear that if you're not ready he's not going to force the issue.

 

I think you said you plan to ignore him.

 

People handle things differently. I personally never ignore someone who reaches out to me, anyone, no matter how badly they've treated me because I'm a person who processes relationships to the death! If more discussion needs to take place, I usually assume it will help me to understand myself and what transpired in the R better.

 

This doesn't mean I'm going to reconcile with someone who has treated me badly.

 

You know, there's a possibility that the question he wants to ask you is, "Would you forgive me for the way I treated you?" It's possible he isn't trying to even get back with you. Not saying that's the case, it's just a possibility. He may just need to find out the answer to his question so that he can have closure.

 

In that case, it's up to you how you want to handle it. I always like to hear people out, yet not allow them to sway my judgment. That has served me well and given me peace. But, again, of course it's your decision!

[Optimystic]

I appreciate your feedback, it's an interesting take.

 

If he was asking for forgiveness it would mean a lot to me, because I do feel that he disrespected me, but I have a feeling it's not that. And it's probably not an attempt to get back together either (which is fine by me).

 

I do still care about him, but I'm still upset with him in a lot of ways and his cool approach doesn't sit well with me, even if there's intentional respect involved. He didn't ask me how I was, he just threw a safe opening to avoid opening my emotions. I'm not sure he's worthy of any closure that he's seeking from me, if anything, I was the one with many unanswered questions... and I know better than to try to get closure from him because I won't be satisfied with anything he says.

 

I will probably ask him in a neutral way what his question is, because I guess I want to know.. but I'm not humoring him with superficial pleasantries. I know despite his good qualities that he is a selfish person with his own needs put first. I will protect myself from letting him get too close again.

Edited November 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[LivingWaterPlease]

IIf he was asking for forgiveness it would mean a lot to me, because I do feel that he disrespected me, but I have a feeling it's not that. And it's probably not an attempt to get back together either (which is fine by me).

 

He didn't ask me how I was, he just threw a safe opening to avoid opening my emotions. I'm not sure he's worthy of any closure that he's seeking from me, if anything, I was the one with many unanswered questions... and I know better than to try to get closure from him because I won't be satisfied with anything he says.

 

I will probably ask him in a neutral way what his question is, because I guess I want to know.. but I'm not humoring him with superficial pleasantries.

 

To the bolded. It's a mistake to judge a person's motives by your feelings. Wait for the facts.

 

Of course he didn't ask you how you are. He wanted to first find out if it was OK to ask because that's a very personal question. Maybe that's even the question he has for you. Maybe he just wants to ask how you are.

 

Thirdly, being pleasant is not superficial and it's not a way to humor another. It's the way civilized people communicate.

 

To me, it seems you're reacting as if you have quite a bit of healing left to do before you're ready to communicate with him at all or to date anyone else. It seems to me you are deeply wounded by him and quite probably by things in your life that preceded him.

 

It would be a kindness to another human being, who has approached you, IMO, very respectfully to respond, "I'm not ready yet."

Edited November 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Optimystic]

Thirdly, being pleasant is not superficial and it's not a way to humor another. It's the way civilized people communicate.

 

To respond to your bolded text, and to reiterate what you told me, I'm the one who knew him personally. Superficiality is not genuine to me, it is not authentic, and it is how he often was.. he is someone who wants to be seen in a good light, even at the expense of being insincere, just so he can be liked by everyone. He has a lot of narcissistic qualities as well, and I know that term is thrown around a lot, but he really had no regard for my feelings when I was with him and made me feel like crap and punished me by being cruel. He gaslit me and tried to deny me my truth.

He gave me false hope and pulled the carpet out from under me. He knew how to push my buttons, he knew how sensitive I was and didn't care how his actions affected me. And yes, I was (and still am) wounded and he knows that, and I wounded him too, but only out of defense.

 

Now I am in no way trying to play a victim here, I'm being honest about how things were on my end. I wasn't perfect either but I tried the best I could.. He was extremely critical and judgmental. Also had a superiority complex. And constantly tried to make me feel like I wasn't good enough. I have a right to still be angry. His redeeming qualities were few are far between. I regret not leaving sooner.

 

I definitely need some therapy to help me deal with this.. I didn't mean to unleash so much here.. but there's always more than meets the eye with people. I understand you're trying to be objective and consider the other side, but it seems like you're defending someone you don't even know. My family told me to be wary of his behavior, and so I know other people knew what was going on as well.

 

But I do know how civilized people communicate, and it involves compassion and consideration for other people, not just trying to present well.

Edited November 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[LivingWaterPlease]

You seem to have been through so much! It does sound as if therapy may help you process things!

[Caauug]

Well, considering I'm on the fence about responding, I'd say smooth is not the right adjective to describe it. It's cowardly and calculating.. and frankly, pretty pathetic.

 

After reading this and your other responses, I say "NO, get off the fence and delete and block his number"

[assertives]

After reading all your other responses, I'd say don't respond. You are clearly not in a good enough emotional state to deal with him and have a neutral talk with him. Contact with him will very likely set you back. I've read on here how people get confident that they are much better and have moved on only to be sucked back into the emotional turmoil when they re-established contact with an ex. You said he was narcissistic, cruel, disregarded your feelings and disrespectful to you. Well, he is still disregarding and disrespecting you now with this text message isn't he? You specifically told him not to contact you and that you'll never be friends with him. Yet he still contacted you and said "if we are on speaking terms yet again." Yet again? You either haven't made yourself clear to him that you never want to hear from him or he totally disregarded your feelings and wishes and is not taking you seriously, and is disregarding your boundaries.

 

Also, if you are planning to respond to that, I would suggest you be mentally and emotionally prepared that whatever question or questions he asks you will likely mindf**k you again. What if, his question is "why do you hate me so much?" You said he has narcissistic traits and gaslit you. It wouldn't be a stretch if this turns out to be another attempt to flip everything that has happened on you. If you are emotionally and mentally over that, and know that it is not going to affect you, then by all means, contact him. Otherwise, 8 months of healing may go out of the window.

Edited November 10, 2019 by assertives

[Supernova11]

My view on texts like this is it’s a lot of BS. I would only get back with an ex if they called me for a proper heart felt discussion, not ridiculous “reel you in” texts like this. I know it’s hard but I would delete it and carry on with your life. You are worth more than this. Trust me, when they really want you, they pull out all the stops and come after you, not send lame texts like this. Texting like this is really immature. Don’t you want a man who if he wants you, can talk to you like an adult instead of sending wierd texts?

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, this has happened to me, with a toxic ex.

 

He reached out several months after we split. It didn't end well, and I had cut contact with him. The question? It was to get my lawyer's name and number because he had a problem in a specific field and knew she'd successfully a couple of similar issues for me in the past. That was it. It wasn't a baiting text, there was no further communication thereafter. The exchange between us was civil, he thanked me her contact information, and it ended there.

 

My point is not to read so much into it yet. You might be right that he wants your attention or is trying to rope you in again; you might also be wrong about that. As you don't know what he wants, don't get too stressed about it until you find out (if you choose to respond)

[LivingWaterPlease]

Yes, this has happened to me, with a toxic ex.

 

He reached out several months after we split. It didn't end well, and I had cut contact with him... The exchange between us was civil, he thanked me her contact information, and it ended there.

 

My point is not to read so much into it yet. You might be right that he wants your attention or is trying to rope you in again; you might also be wrong about that. As you don't know what he wants, don't get too stressed about it until you find out (if you choose to respond)

 

Seems a compliment to you that your ex felt free to contact you in that it seems to show he thought of you as a magnanimous person, Expat.

 

I've dealt with, in a neutral manner (trying to be gracious), a couple of extremely toxic exes who have hurt me deeply after a break up before and would again.

 

IME a relationship that has been toxic may never be reconciled but that anytime one of the parties is able to set aside the offense, however great it may be, to be helpful to the other and display neutral emotions it's a win/win for both parties and for the universe.

Edited November 10, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease

[Optimystic]

After reading all your other responses, I'd say don't respond. You are clearly not in a good enough emotional state to deal with him and have a neutral talk with him. Contact with him will very likely set you back. I've read on here how people get confident that they are much better and have moved on only to be sucked back into the emotional turmoil when they re-established contact with an ex. You said he was narcissistic, cruel, disregarded your feelings and disrespectful to you. Well, he is still disregarding and disrespecting you now with this text message isn't he? You specifically told him not to contact you and that you'll never be friends with him. Yet he still contacted you and said "if we are on speaking terms yet again." Yet again? You either haven't made yourself clear to him that you never want to hear from him or he totally disregarded your feelings and wishes and is not taking you seriously, and is disregarding your boundaries.

 

Also, if you are planning to respond to that, I would suggest you be mentally and emotionally prepared that whatever question or questions he asks you will likely mindf**k you again. What if, his question is "why do you hate me so much?" You said he has narcissistic traits and gaslit you. It wouldn't be a stretch if this turns out to be another attempt to flip everything that has happened on you. If you are emotionally and mentally over that, and know that it is not going to affect you, then by all means, contact him. Otherwise, 8 months of healing may go out of the window.

 

Of course, he's not some monster who had no good qualities, we had good times, we had good memories. I wouldn't have stayed with him as long as did if we didn't (1.5 yrs). But thinking about that doesn't help me move on so I have to highlight the negatives. I think it's the best way to see things clearly.. but ultimately we were not right for each other, and my needs were not being met. Not that anyone cares, but I feel like getting that off my chest.

 

In regards to my last message to him, I did say "Please don't contact me for a while.." I didn't say ever again. I left it open in case maybe one day he'd apologize and we could potentially be friends one day. (not holding my breath by any means.. but not completely shutting the door forever either). I mean, when you're with someone for a while, you get used to them and you have your inside jokes, you have your soft spot for them.. even if they treated you bad at times.

You remember the times when they treated you well. BUT, it doesn't excuse the disrespect. So I guess I still have mixed emotions about all of that.. but I know right now I can't let him get away with what he did but acting like it never happened and just be cool again.

 

My priority is healing, hence why I've stayed in NC for so long, and it hasn't been easy. I've missed him.. here and there. But there's so much I don't miss so it makes it easier to stay focused. Anyway, relationships are complicated, as we all know... but I'm trying to do what's best for my health.

[Optimystic]

You are worth more than this. Trust me, when they really want you, they pull out all the stops and come after you, not send lame texts like this. Texting like this is really immature. Don’t you want a man who if he wants you, can talk to you like an adult instead of sending wierd texts?

 

Yes, absolutely. This is a prime example of why he isn't the right person for me, among MANY others that I highlighted in this post.

[ajequals]

I think he was just being polite ,asking if you were interested in conversing with him ...thats all