IslandSanctuary Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 (edited) What is this "Are you even exclusive?"/"Discussed exclusivity?" BS I see on here? I get different people have different ideas of dating, but I'd never date someone with this mindset. You shouldn't have to discuss this, if someone is sleeping with/even just kissing me on a regular basis and someone else then when I find out things are over. Discuss exclusivity? Is this some American thing? Yuck........... Edited November 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 I’m from your part of the world and in my 50’s. Hubby and I were telling our 20yo daughter that in all the relationships we’d had, neither of us discussed exclusivity - it was just assumed. Even if there were only a handful of dates, we only saw one at a time. She was visibly shocked. So apparently it’s now becoming a thing here too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Springsummer Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 yup, what the hell? guess I am old too 3 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 What is this "Are you even exclusive?"/"Discussed exclusivity?" BS I see on here? I get different people have different ideas of dating, but I'd never date someone with this mindset. You shouldn't have to discuss this, if someone is sleeping with/even just kissing me on a regular basis and someone else then when I find out things are over. Discuss exclusivity? Is this some American thing? Yuck........... At lasttttt, l'm not alone. Feel exactly the same and no l've never had such a so call discussion in my life either. Nor would l have a bar of anyone seeing other people if they couldn't focus on me they can gft. Yep, l think it must be an American thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 Not being able to date one person at a time reeks of desperation to me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Stillits Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 I'm from Europe as well, and yeah, it has never been a conversation I have needed to have before; it is (or at least was) the norm to explore one romantic interest at a time until it was decided it didn't work out. Having been on a couple of dating sites for a couple of months, it does seem to become normal to date multiple people and have to ask for exclusivity the American way here as well. I think it may depend on whether you meet someone organically (no need for 'the talk') or through dating sites/apps. As many other things, it seems "dating" the current way is another imported American concept. Just to note, though, I have had clear lines drawn in the sand if I wanted something to be just physical, to avoid any confusion that it would lead to more. I guess I work the other way around. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 Not being able to date one person at a time reeks of desperation to me. Me too , can't even comprehend that one. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 It's more likely psycho-babble that intruded on popular culture. I never discussed exclusivity with my GF whom I married. It just was assumed. If you have a real connection there isn't a need to prepare the stage. It just all falls together in a natural order. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 i dont understand how you can get to know a guy or a woman for that matter really well and focus on them and your connection if your focus and connections are in the multiple or split in more than one way.....dating to me is always exclusive...one at a time....and giving it a good crack....deb 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 It's a North American phenomenon that came along with online dating. I am Canadian and addressed exclusivity with my boyfriend on our 5th date. He is from France and he had never heard of such a talk, to him as soon as you are intimate you are exclusive. I'd like to make a comment on your 'yuk'. It's not because something doesn't appeal to you or is different than what you know that it's something bad. It's just different. . Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 It’s a warp in the fabric of dating exacerbated (as so many dating trends are these days) by the dating apps. A primary goal of most daters these days is to avoid as much responsibility as possible for as long as possible so as to be able to maximise the possibility of finding something better. Years ago there just weren’t the options so it was safe to assume the person you were seeing was not seeing anyone else and you were a couple without needing to discuss the situation. In the dating app era it seems a number of obstacles have been placed between the typical path of single -> boyfriend/girlfriend. Nowadays it’s more like single -> dating -> exclusive -> boyfriend/girlfriend. I’ve never understood the difference between exclusive and boyfriend/boyfriend but apparently there is one and it’s to do with the ‘pressure’ of calling yourself someone’s boyfriend/girlfriend As far as I can see it’s all a wash. If you’re keen on a person there’s no such thing as exclusivity or pressure of labels. You want to be in a relationship with that person with all that brings (loyalty, dependability etc). Anyone who is trying to insert labels or obstructions between single and boyfriend/girlfriend has got one foot out the door and playing for time to see what else turns up, imo. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 IMO, no self respecting person will allow themselves to be "shopped" in this manner....No woman I have ever met or dated in my life would ever tolerate me doing that, and its inconceivable to me how some people participate in it... Its akin to a toddler that cant focus on one toy, so they keep jumping back and forth, unsure of which one provides the most amusement... Give someone a fair chance without the added drama...Take yourself off the market until the time comes where its determined it wont work out.. TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 I suspect many posters here are too young to remember what dating used to be like. The question about exclusivity or not is not a new, modern one. Back before I was born, it was the norm for people to be dating many options at once. There's a reason that there used to be a distinction between going on a date and "going steady"! When I was a teenager and reading through my mother's old romance self-help books, they all absolutely assumed that relationships, even sexual ones, were not necessarily exclusive. They gave advice on how to win your partner's heart away from all the other rivals that he would also be sleeping with!!! And from what I've heard, if you go back REALLY far to the war eras, the skewed gender balance led to all sorts of shenanigans in dating, though before The Pill came around those dates weren't usually having sex. Too risky. It probably goes in waves, really, constantly affected by what's happening in society. The 60s and 70s were wild free-for-alls. The 80s brought the AIDs crisis and that changed a lot of people's attitudes about sex and dating. But regardless of the time period, not everyone has the same attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 ..... Discuss exclusivity? Is this some American thing? Yuck........... Nope... not a USA thing... it's an OLD, "I want sex with everyone I contact" thing. I've never asked a girl if we were exclusive once. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 I suspect many posters here are too young to remember what dating used to be like. The question about exclusivity or not is not a new, modern one. Back before I was born, it was the norm for people to be dating many options at once. There's a reason that there used to be a distinction between going on a date and "going steady"! When I was a teenager and reading through my mother's old romance self-help books, they all absolutely assumed that relationships, even sexual ones, were not necessarily exclusive. They gave advice on how to win your partner's heart away from all the other rivals that he would also be sleeping with!!! And from what I've heard, if you go back REALLY far to the war eras, the skewed gender balance led to all sorts of shenanigans in dating, though before The Pill came around those dates weren't usually having sex. Too risky. It probably goes in waves, really, constantly affected by what's happening in society. The 60s and 70s were wild free-for-alls. The 80s brought the AIDs crisis and that changed a lot of people's attitudes about sex and dating. But regardless of the time period, not everyone has the same attitude. A million times this. The OP's notion is historically bunk IMHO. If you look back through western history you'll see that non-exclusive dating has been a mainstay of society. We just called it "courtship" back then. Sure it was a bit more formalized and a bit less sexualized, but it was basically the same thing you see now. Exclusivity usually meant being engaged or betrothed. Fast forward into the 50's and 60's and you have the dating vs. going steady conversion to exclusivity. I mean, just look at the culture of the "man about town" archetype of the 50's. Don't get me started on the whole "OLD people just invented that as an excuse to f*** everyone they meet" BS. With The Pill, Boomer hippies practically invented the notion of free love in the late 60's and 70's. The sexual revolution cemented it. Honestly, we were headed to a bohemian place far beyond where we are now when HIV showed up and everyone hit the sexual brakes for about two decades. This whole date one person at a time notion is actually a relatively new construct in western culture - at least during the pre-PIV sexual activity period. As far as after PIV sexual activity multi-dating, I'd suggest that we were headed there post pill but HIV and STDs stopped us dead in our tracks. Which was good because it gave us time for our cultural mores to catch up with our behavior. Anyhow, that's my two cents. Mrin 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 A million times this. The OP's notion is historically bunk IMHO. If you look back through western history you'll see that non-exclusive dating has been a mainstay of society. We just called it "courtship" back then. Sure it was a bit more formalized and a bit less sexualized, but it was basically the same thing you see now. Exclusivity usually meant being engaged or betrothed. Fast forward into the 50's and 60's and you have the dating vs. going steady conversion to exclusivity. I mean, just look at the culture of the "man about town" archetype of the 50's. While there may be some level of truth here, there is one big difference...People would "like" each other or maybe there was contact at parties and such, but now its seemingly turned into sport...You may have "accepted attention" from them, but no way were there people that were juggling several women/men at a time, engaging in intimate contact(whether PIV or not), and keeping those other people in the lurch until someone decides to make some stupid "declaration of exclusivity" ...I was there....it never happened...Using stoners and hippies as examples is pointless...There will always be some outliers... I mean...Just think about it from a logistical standpoint...You meet someone that you get along with great...You have a date with them and end it with a passionate kiss...Now...that woman is fully going to expect that that guy isn't going to tell her that he cant see her on Saturday night because he has a date with another woman and she has to sit and wait her turn because there is no "declaration of exclusivity"...She'll flip her lid over it... I don't know how they pull that off, to be honest...I do know a guy that used OLD to "juggle" several women...But it was NOT easy, he caught a lot of shyt over it, and it was never considered acceptable by ANY of them.. TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 I'd like to make a comment on your 'yuk'. It's not because something doesn't appeal to you or is different than what you know that it's something bad. It's just different. . To be fair, the word I'd use would get moderated. Yuk is a rather nice alternative. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 I’m also from New Zealand and was on nzdating about 10 years ago, I found that there was a bit of multi dating going on back then, I was shocked as I really didn’t expect it! Link to post Share on other sites
Vanity1 Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 (edited) What is this "Are you even exclusive?"/"Discussed exclusivity?" BS I see on here? I get different people have different ideas of dating, but I'd never date someone with this mindset. You shouldn't have to discuss this, if someone is sleeping with/even just kissing me on a regular basis and someone else then when I find out things are over. Discuss exclusivity? Is this some American thing? Yuck........... Exclusive/ being exclusive means, after having a couple dates and figuring out if y’all are compatible that’s when you figure out if you want to take the next step and becoming boyfriend/ girlfriend. You close your other options and your loyalty time and energy is put into that one person. Just because you’re giving up your goods doesn’t mean y’all are together and exclusive. Just because you’re having sex and they take you out, even do ‘relationship’ things, doesn’t mean he or she is yours. You have to have the talk first. Canadian here. And this isn’t new. Edited November 11, 2019 by Hurtx10 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 Just because you’re giving up your goods doesn’t mean y’all are together and exclusive. Just because you’re having sex and they take you out, even do ‘relationship’ things, doesn’t mean he or she is yours. You have to have the talk first. This makes complete sense. Casual flings are a thing. If one person thinks something is a casual fling and the other is thinking it's an exclusive relationship... things get ugly pretty quickly. All because of a misunderstanding, and a difference in expectations. Actually having and expecting an exclusivity talk alleviates that misunderstanding. If I was newly dating someone, and I haven't discussed being exclusive with her, it would be reasonable to expect her to keep her options open, as it would be reasonable for me to do the same. I don't have to like the idea of her seeing other guys before that discussion, but I accept that I have no control over it. In the long term, I would hope that she chose me. If not, then she's decided I'm not the right fit for her, and it allows me to find someone who is the right fit for me. If you don't want to kiss, have sex, or whatever before being exclusive, then that point needs to be made clear, and it needs to be respected. Communication is key, especially when not everyone is looking for the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 Hand in hand with all of this, another big change is that "dating" is now a pastime rather than a word to describe the fact that you're hanging out with one person. To clarify, people now talk about "I have been/want to start dating", but I grew up with the singular "Who is that boy you are dating?". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 Think this stuff has been around for a long time, not a recent development. Just like affairs, polyamory, etc. Obviously it works better for some than others and depends a lot on one's personality and views (and sometimes what they want at that specific time in their lives). If you think it's "yuck" then I guess it's not for you. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 It hasn't been around for a long time in our cultures Mark. I guess a good analogy is when someone writes about a father and teen daughter naked in a sauna together. In the US, people would go yuk and talk about abuse and inappropriate behaviour. But in Finland, it's totally normal. But it being normal in Finland doesn't make it less yuk in the US. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 Perhaps. I was in two "open" dating relationships in high school in the 1980's. This was specifically discussed/agreed to by myself and the girl for both. In my specific case they weren't actually very open since neither I nor the GFs involved had lots of other partners (until I left for college out of state for the 2nd one). However it was certainly a "thing" then, in the US 30+ years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 While there may be some level of truth here, there is one big difference...People would "like" each other or maybe there was contact at parties and such, but now its seemingly turned into sport...You may have "accepted attention" from them, but no way were there people that were juggling several women/men at a time, engaging in intimate contact(whether PIV or not), and keeping those other people in the lurch until someone decides to make some stupid "declaration of exclusivity" ...I was there....it never happened...Using stoners and hippies as examples is pointless...There will always be some outliers... Again, I can produce dating books from the 70s and early 80s that absolutely assumed your love interest was having sex with with multiple people until you could finally convince them to commit to you. And they were not books aimed at stoners and hippies. This was mainstream. But then, even if you want to blame online dating, online dating has been a thing for THIRTY YEARS now!!! "Hooking Up" instead of dating started being a thing in the 90s. Link to post Share on other sites
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