somanymistakes Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 Hand in hand with all of this, another big change is that "dating" is now a pastime rather than a word to describe the fact that you're hanging out with one person. To clarify, people now talk about "I have been/want to start dating", but I grew up with the singular "Who is that boy you are dating?". Dating was a pastime in the 1920s. Partly because society was changing so for the first time people could go experience the attentions of lots of attractive people of the opposite sex, instead of being carefully chaperoned until a marriage agreement was made. They weren't having sex with all those dates in the 20s, obviously. But they were 'dating' as a recreational activity and seeing it as a game to rack up the highest number of different people to date, rather than trying to find a serious partner. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 (edited) Oh geez "well back in my day!!!" My parents met in San Francisco during the summer of love - I am fairly certain an exclusivity talk was a necessity. And yes, my grandmother saved the letters of her suiters - it seemed that's she was paying visits to a certain other man when grandpa came on strong and eventually won out. I was in my Sr year of college, single but dating when I met my husband. You see I was dating a guy but we were NOT exclusive. Met my now husband and after about 5 dates we had an exclusivity talk. He was dating someone else when he met me as well. I know it causes some to clutch their pearls, but some people do date casually. Some people even have casual sex - and yes it makes the exclusive talk a necessity. If it's not the kind of thing you would ever participate in, that's fine! No one is making you, and I am not sure what judging others for it does for you. Edited November 11, 2019 by RecentChange Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) Again, I can produce dating books from the 70s and early 80s that absolutely assumed your love interest was having sex with with multiple people until you could finally convince them to commit to you. . Yeah, so could I, so what..? Again....NO WOMAN EVER would assume I was doing anything with anyone but them, after we had basic mutual interest....Period and end of story...If they did think so, they would give me an ultimatum at best, kick the shyt out of the other woman, or dump me on the spot... And no self respecting guy would allow himself to be shopped...I doubt highly any self respected woman would either...You didn't tell another guy "how does my dick taste" to get that info, it was considered an extreme insult.. No disrespect to any poster, but like a lot of other topics, when this type of stuff comes up, its more or less a symptom of the people that generally hang around here and no way does it represent society as a whole...Not even close...That doesn't indicate good or bad, just "one of those things"... TFY Edited November 12, 2019 by thefooloftheyear 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 ^^^^^ pssst. I think some kids might be running across your lawn right now. ;-) Couldn't resist. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 No disrespect to any poster, but like a lot of other topics, when this type of stuff comes up, its more or less a symptom of the people that generally hang around here and no way does it represent society as a whole...Not even close...That doesn't indicate good or bad, just "one of those things"... Odd, I actually thought the exact same thing about all the people who were saying multidating isn't a normal thing. It may not be your thing, but it's certainly a thing for many folks out there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 It basically depends on your individual culture, and what was considered acceptable in your particular peer group. My experience was similar to TFYs, no-one considered "nice" would multidate and those who did were considered "two timers" and looked down upon. Plenty dating, but one at a time... You dated, you got on well, you continued. You didn't get on well, you moved on to the next. You were not stringing along and sleeping with and comparing Tom, Dick and Harry all at the same time... as already stated, YUCK! One assumed exclusivity and were not usually let down. Yes of course there were those who were promiscuous, but they were not the norm in the circles I mixed with anyway. Interestingly I had a conversation with a 20yo recently about multi-dating, and she was of the same opinion, her peer group do not multidate, that is not considered the right thing to do. UK here so maybe that explains it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 Dating was a pastime in the 1920s. Not in Australia it wasn't. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 ^^^^^ pssst. I think some kids might be running across your lawn right now. ;-) Couldn't resist. Nah....where I live they don't do that.... But hey, if you feel like its ok to be shopped and sit around like a dumbbell while some flaky or indecisive woman decides if you, your buddy, or the idiot down the street is the best , have at it... I wont say its true of you or anyone else, but that seems like the behavior of a guy that has little options....there would be no other logical reason any guy would accept that.. TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 I wont say its true of you or anyone else, but that seems like the behavior of a guy that has little options....there would be no other logical reason any guy would accept that..I have a logical reason: It provided better results. For years, I dated one woman at a time, not caring if she multi-dated or not. I didn't get positive results. I then tried dating one woman at a time and only selected women who (to the best of my knowledge) were not multi-daters. I didn't get positive results. I then started multi-dating and getting positive results. Logic dictates that I utilize the method that produces results. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 Curious - for most responding to this thread, how many y decades has it been since you were actively dating? So many generalizations here... Let's see, flakey indecisive women, "two timers" (there is a phrase I haven't heard in a while), it's "yucky" it's for loser men. Yeah okay... I myself haven't been dating in a while, but I have a feeling more recent that the "good old days" that people seem to be harking to here. Anyone posting on this thread between 25-35? I am curious as to your take. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 Nah....where I live they don't do that.... But hey, if you feel like its ok to be shopped and sit around like a dumbbell while some flaky or indecisive woman decides if you, your buddy, or the idiot down the street is the best , have at it... I wont say its true of you or anyone else, but that seems like the behavior of a guy that has little options....there would be no other logical reason any guy would accept that.. TFY Well I'm engaged now so it is sort of academic. But back when I was dating, I regularly multi-dated casually. I didn't have any expectations of exclusivity and they didn't either. It was just fun, easy and light. However if and when I did find a woman I was interested in for soemthing serious then I quickly took us off the market. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) Anyone posting on this thread between 25-35? I am curious as to your take. Me! See my previous post for my take. I'll also approach it another way - an exclusivity discussion isn't really all that painful. It's just a necessary extra step in this world where you're not sure if the other person is just out for a fling or wants a committed relationship, or is exploring options while trying to find one. In my first long term relationship, my partner at the time had some fun with another guy before we became exclusive. We were essentially FWB at that time, so I didn't (nor should I expect to have) control over what she did. She was either going to choose me or whoever else she decided. She chose me and we lasted 6 years. Looking at the big picture, that one guy at the start doesn't even worry me a bit - she never saw him again, so why should I worry? In my current relationship it was me who had the fun while we were not exclusive. Again, hasn't affected the big picture - I chose my current partner in the end. For most people, a stable, long term relationship is the end goal, so keeping options open before becoming exclusive is a way of trying to find the best possible partner to make that happen. I know it doesn't sit well with those that feel like they're being "shopped for" or whatever, but I actually think I'd prefer to be someone's best pick than their only pick. Edited November 12, 2019 by snowboy91 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) Curious - for most responding to this thread, how many y decades has it been since you were actively dating? I really don't think it has any real bearing.... You have a life philosophy you adhere to, or you decide to do what seems to be the trend or what others do....Matters not really whether you are 18 or 88... If that means it limits your available options, great!!...To use an example, women, on average, are like 40 lbs heavier now than they were 40 years ago....Does that also mean now a guy would have to consider a 175 lb woman because that's what they are mostly going to find ?? Or do they stick to what is best for them?? BTW, Id still like someone to explain how its done, from a logistical standpoint...You meet someone and you click...You ask for a date and she accepts and all goes well..Does she then say to you up front.."hey, I have 3 other guys I am currently dating, would you like to be the 4th and see where it goes"...."let me check my calendar...its the 12th of Nov...I can see you on the 18th, but not sooner because I have Charlie on the 14 and Bruce on the 17th"?? If I assume she'll lie(or just withhold the info about the other guys)..how does it get juggled successfully? Lets face it. most people will usually date on the weekends when work doesn't interfere, so it makes it hard to commit to more than one person when you may only have one option a week available...And lets face it, when you get to the point where you feel good enough to actually date someone,(forget about actually sleeping with them), they are going to want to see you soon and often....So now you have 2, 3 , 5++ all wanting to see you soon and often, how is that done?? And to answer your question more directly, I mentioned a friend of mine who did exactly what you guys are suggesting is "completely normal"...He went on OLD and started dating multiple women at the same time...The minute one found out he was with another, she went nuts on him...He had to put up phony profiles to trick these women, because none of them wanted any part of it, and almost all demanded he take down his profile off the site after a single date....NONE of them were good with it, and when he was caught they bailed, some getting very pissed off about it... So I want to know where are all these women like you that would have no issue with it?? TFY Edited November 12, 2019 by thefooloftheyear Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 Is this some American thing? like a lot of other topics, when this type of stuff comes up, its more or less a symptom of the people that generally hang around here and no way does it represent society as a whole Seems to me that the limited sample of posters on here does fairly accurately represent the hypothesis that it has always been fairly normal in North America, and it's slowly but surely worked its way across the pond. The younger crowd over here are more au fait with it but the older generations are more likely to assume exclusivity from the start and react with "yuk" to multi-dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 It basically depends on your individual culture, and what was considered acceptable in your particular peer group. Yes, (and as per PNP as well) I think the peer group thing is it. We had "two timers" back in my HS days too. We had some who multidatered or agreed to "open" relationships AND those who would do no such thing as the same time. Hence the thought that multidating has always been around, just not for everyone since many folks have an issue with it. (And certainly culture comes into play - one could hardly see multidating in a hardline islamic culture, for example.) Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 ..He went on OLD and started dating multiple women at the same time...The minute one found out he was with another, she went nuts on him...He had to put up phony profiles to trick these women, because none of them wanted any part of it, and almost all demanded he take down his profile off the site after a single date....NONE of them were good with it, and when he was caught they bailed, some getting very pissed off about it... So I want to know where are all these women like you that would have no issue with it?? Fair enough, but what's his sample size - 15 out of millions? From eHarmony.com:The good news is: there are a lot of single people in America. In 2015, 50% of the U.S. population consisted of single adults, which has increased from 48% in 2011. I don't actually believe 50% of the US is dating, let's make it 30% of 327M or 98M. If we say (for sake of a reasonable possible ballpark figure) that 15% of daters are multidaters - that's 14.7 M of them running around. If that's even anywhere near correct, then just because 1 person didn't run into any doesn't mean there aren't plenty out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 I think itÂ’s ridiculous that one needs to have the exclusivity talk, but apparently itÂ’s needed. I had always assumed it was implied once you started seeing each other on a regular basis that you were exclusive. Link to post Share on other sites
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