no friends. how did I get here?

[custard]

Hello,

 

I'm new to this forum. I haven't posted on a forum in years, but I'm feeling lonely so I guess this is where I ended up. I'm not sure exactly why I'm posting either. Maybe just to find some other lost souls or some support.

 

Anyway.. I'm 31 and I have no friends. I have a girlfriend I love very much and have been with for over 3 years, but we are in a long distance relationship, so I only see her every two months. So basically, the closest person to me lives in another country.

 

I don't know exactly how I got here. I never had tons of friends when I was younger, but I always had at least one or two close ones up until a couple of years ago. And that was enough. But for various reasons, I feel like all my friends have gradually slipped away.

 

I had a very close friend in high school, we had a very strong bond and connection, but after high school I experienced my first heartbreak and I went to a dark place. I became promiscuous, and was drinking and experimenting with drugs to numb the pain. At this point she disappeared, I think it was too much for her to handle. Later she reappeared in my life and we became very close again. I wasn't exactly stable, but I was in a better place. But again she disappeared after some time. Two years ago I ran into her on the street and she said she missed me and was very affectionate, saying "I'm so glad we're friends again!" and apologized for being aloof in the past. After hanging out a lot in one week, and thinking it was actually real this time, I made a new attempt to hang out but she kept saying she was too busy, so I eventually gave up. Haven't heard from her since.

 

My other close friend was also an ex-girlfriend, which might be part of the reason I had to end the friendship. We dated in my early 20s, and broke up after a few years. We had no contact for a few months and then we reconnected, but as very close friends, no longer lovers. She was my best friend throughout my 20s and remained loyal, but it wasn't until I started dating my current girlfriend that I started to see how toxic our friendship was. She helped bring to my awareness what was going on, and over time I started to see that my friend was manipulative, lied to me frequently, and treated me badly, even though I was her best friend and visa versa. She also would often get herself into bad situations and would want me to rescue her. We had a very deep connection and bond and a lot of fun together, which of course helped me to turn the other cheek when she treated me badly. Eventually I couldn't tolerate it anymore, and knew I deserved better, and ended the friendship. That was 1.5 years ago. I'm glad I ended the friendship, but it was still a very big loss.

 

Other than those two close friends, I've had a few less-close friends, but friends nonetheless, who have also drifted away. I used to drink and party more in my 20s, and these friends I would always hang out with while drinking a fair bit and smoking weed. Now I drink only occasionally, and when I do I don't like to get drunk, just a drink or two. I also don't smoke pot anymore because it gives me anxiety. So with this lifestyle change, those friends have faded away.

 

My last remaining friend was not super close, but still quite close. We wouldn't talk that often, and she lived in a different city two hours away, but we'd still hang out every few months and catch up, have a girls night, bond. She still felt like someone I could have fun with and confide in and has remained loyal (even without frequent contact) since high school. But, she moved to Spain a few months ago (I live in Canada).. So who knows when I will see her again.

 

And that's pretty much it. I feel like since slowly losing all these friends I've become more socially anxious, but I am in school right now and I still am friendly and talkative with those around me. But I haven't met anyone I feel a strong connection with, beyond a shallow friendly chit chat, who feels like I could become friends with. I feel like there's something wrong with me, I don't know how I got to this place where I have no friends. I'm introverted and don't need a huge social group, and prefer spending time with only one or two people at a time, but I still need friendship like everyone else.

 

I just don't know why it's so hard. I see so many people around me with lots of friends, great social lives, it seems so easy for them. Is it because of my age? My personality? I'm friendly, a good sense of humour, compassionate, smart. I have my struggles and I'm certainly not perfect but I think I am good friend material. I'm creative and weird so I guess "ordinary/shallow" people I don't really click with, and those I've become close with in the past are generally other creative and strange types.. but I'm not judgemental, it just feels so rare to find that connection, and find someone who actually seems interested in pursuing a friendship on top of that.

 

Sorry this is so long... And thank you if you have read all this and made it to the end! A lot to get out I suppose... Feedback welcomed..

Edited November 10, 2019 by custard

[schlumpy]

I can't see anything in your post that would lead me to believe that you are not the same as millions of other people on this planet. You have walked some paths I've never trod but that's true of most people I know.

 

You list a set qualities that you feel you have and I don't read anything in your post to refute your self-assessment.

 

You mention promiscuity but that is common when in your early 20's. Most people tire of it and start to refine their choices and that's probably where you start to lose friends.

 

As our life experience grows we can cut right to chase and avoid the pitfalls that in the past we jumped into. We become self-centered in that we settle on a set of core values that we try to implement the rest of our lives with some people being more successful then others.

 

You don't describe your "weird" side so I don't know if it might put people off. I will assume that it's not something like how much you enjoy killing baby seals. So, you might believe in Aliens or the occult. That's kind of common. On the other end you might be an advocate for String Theory and stress your strong belief in multiple universes thus putting half the people around you instantly to sleep.

 

Do you have any talents that people might gravitate to? Are you a singer? Do you play an instrument? What about sports? Is one of your.dreams to run a sub four minute mile? Can you do math tricks in your head? Is driving fast cars a passion for you?

 

Have you ever served in the military or lived overseas for any length of time? Are you a great cook?

 

What are you studying in school? Nuclear physics? Quantum Mechanics? Engineering? Paleontology? or are you working on a communication degree?

 

There are many things in life that will push you into one corner or another. I suspect you don't have a huge society life because the details of that life are to onerous for you to keep up with. It's much like a person who rents or owns a house. The person with the house has upkeep to worry about where the renter just calls the landlord.

 

What about a family? Is this a concern of yours or have you damaged your DNA so much that you would be afraid of the outcome?

 

I don't see a problem where you are in life. If you want more contact with people look to joining a club. Try the meetup groups that you access from the internet. There is one for any interest you have - even weird interests.

[Foxhall]

Yes Id echo keep plugging away with clubs and meet up groups,

 

unless your naturally an extrovert it can take a while for people to get to know other.

 

there can be the walking on eggshells phase with new people whereby people are being too polite and not relaxed enough to have relaxed banter,

 

I think it lightens up after you keep meeting the same group a few times, you get to know perhaps one or two people slightly better than others and things take off from there,

 

focus on the activity , joining in, getting better at the activity if it is say a sports club, and the friendships will grow if you let them develop at their own pace,

 

doesnt happen overnight, could take a year or so. dont force it but get out there, get involved in things and dont sit at home all the time.

[Watercolors]

Obsessing about your lack of intimate friendships (not sexually, but emotionally with people you have things in common with) means that you are feeling disconnected to the path you're currently on. It could also be a sign that you aren't pursuing activities that can connect you with others who are like you.

 

You worry that "ordinary/shallow" people shun you, yet you don't like ordinary/shallow people, and prefer the company of people who are more creative and "weird" like you are. So, figure out what kind of outlet you need for your creativity and pursue that while you're in school, as a side hobby.

 

What area are you creative in? Painting? Photography? Caligraphy? Fashion? Writing? Sculpting? Music? Anime? Filmmaking? Comedy?

 

Whatever it is that connects to your soul -- that is what you need to pursue. Then, by doing that, you'll connect to a community of people who are just like you, who can offer you real connective friendship that isn't shallow/ordinary. But it won't happen overnight. Building relationships -- and I'm not talking about online relationships -- in person, takes time.

 

Also, friendships ebb and flow and change and evolve over time. Some friendships last a life time. Some friendships last a month. It really depends on what the context/situation is that brings two friends together that determines how long that friendship will last, and if that friendship has the potential to evolve into a deep friendship or if it is only meant to be a shallow/ordinary friendship.

 

When we meet people we like, that doesn't necessarily mean we'd be great friends. I met a gal a year ago through a Facebook group and thought we'd have great chemistry as friends in real life as we did online. We hung out a few times over this past year but the friendship connection never evolved beyond the surface. We were just too different and our personalities and interests and values were out of sync. We just couldn't connect. We had hilarious conversations online, but never had that same chemistry in person.

 

Offline friendships take time to develop and they don't always develop beyond the acquaintance stage. But, I think, it would help you a lot to find a club on campus or off campus for yourself that allows you to pursue your creative passions while you're in school because at least you'll be around other creative people and who knows, you may find yourself amongst friends.

[Peacemaker1]

I also wonder why some people make friends so effortlessly while it is a struggle for others. A pretty reliable rule I adhere to is “If you want a friend, be a friend first.” If you want to enjoy life with someone, you must be enjoyable to be around. But even though you are alone right now, you can enjoy life and be happy. Your happiness should actually not depend on someone.

 

Consider doing things all by yourself if there’s no one to go with .There was a time in my life when I was alone and a pastor advised me to enjoy life even just by myself instead of staying put somewhere waiting for someone to magically appear. I went to movies by myself, visited malls and museums, and enjoyed going places, which need not be expensive. I also read about faith and love and hope and eventually developed a great positive outlook in life. I was and still am grateful for all the things that are available to me which many people do not even have. If you can do this, one day people will notice and might want to hang around with you. It takes one positive step at a time but you can make it happen.