Cheating girlfriend who wants to change... Do I give another chance?

[Havanesemom]

Hi, I am 34 year old female in 4 year relationship with another woman who is 9 years younger than me. We were going to get married next year.

 

My girlfriend had cheated on me while she was traveling Europe for the first time in her life. The affair has ended (I think mostly because OW is oversea) though it took about one week after discovery to truly end. The one week of continuously finding out new information was just torturesome. This is not the first time cheating behavior happened. The first time was just texting but it went on for a bit. I gave her another change, and now this happened. She actually had full blown infidelity, falling for the woman around her age, sleeping with her, traveling with her.

 

I have kicked her out of my home, completely cut off contact and cut off credit card. Now that she realized she is really going to loose me, she is going crazy. Asking for forgiveness, saying she sees her narcissistic tendencies, sharing her childhood challenges (mostly being a lesbian with no support from her family, leaving her home at early age, etc), saying she really wants to change and want us back, going to counseling, asking to go to couple's therapy. Honestly, I am a little worried she might hurt herself....

 

I know she is young (she is 25) and she was exploring the world. She has taken on a huge responsibility on herself to be in a committed relationship with 34 year old woman, coming out of "normal" heterosexual relationship, at age freakin 21! What was I thinking... I trusted her too much. She had the quality. Everyone that I know keeps saying "she was born age 60". I feel like I gave up so much to be in this relationship. I have never been with a woman--- being in lesbian relationship is not easy. I do have a bit of sympathy but I still cannot forgive her for doing this to me. How can someone lie, cheat, hurt someone with feeling no guilt at the moment? How can someone's morality allow this kind of action? Isn't that psychopathic and narcissistic move?

 

Can someone change? I remember being 25. I was still changing and I have become a different person since then (though I would have never cheated). I am young too-- I am sure I will look at myself 10 years from now and say, what a baby. What can I do.

Edited November 10, 2019 by Havanesemom

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it would be incredibly foolish to give her yet another chance.

 

She has shown you twice that she doesn't respect you or value your relationship. My guess is that she is panicking now because she can't take advantage of your kindness by living under your roof and using your credit cards, and not because she genuinely loves you. She is pulling out the sob stories and it's evidently working, but I do not believe she is sincerely motivated by love.

 

Yes, she is young. She is immature. She was born at age 60? Cute narrative, but complete equine manure. She is acting her age here. And that is precisely why I would let her go. You and she are in totally different places in your life and she has a lot of growing up and exploring to do. It will be detrimental to you to continue to let her do so on your watch and on your dime.

[salparadise]

The one week of continuously finding out new information was just torturesome. This is not the first time cheating behavior happened.

 

I have kicked her out of my home, completely cut off contact and cut off credit card. Now that she realized she is really going to loose me, she is going crazy. Asking for forgiveness, saying she sees her narcissistic tendencies...

 

Can someone change?

 

If you took her back could you trust her again? Would it be worth it to have her and yet always be wondering what she's up to... because you know her predispositions now, and it wasn't a one-time mistake under the influence of whatever. It was ongoing and deliberate. What do you think is likely to happen if this woman from Europe were to visit the US?

 

You keep emphasizing the age difference as if that's a mitigating factor, but I think it's not. I think that she's just one of those people who do what they want to do, and are not constrained by how it may hurt someone else... or even the consequences for her, apparently, until you kicked her out and cut off her credit card! Yes, it's narcissistic tendencies at a minimum. Google Lawrence Kohlberg's stages of moral development for interesting classification of the motives underlying human morality.

 

And speaking of motives, you were providing her a place to live and a credit card were you? No wonder she's asking for forgiveness. Yes, people can change, but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior... in other words, they usually don't. People are who they are for the most part. It's not inevitable that she will cheat again, but you know what she's capable of. You have to decide for yourself whether to give her another chance. I'll be interested to know what you decide.

[preraph]

No. Because of her age, I would set her free. She's just too young to be able to settle down. She's going to, like you already know, need to explore for some years before she gets to that point. It would only hurt you again one day.

[schlumpy]

The reason she did it was because she sees sex as recreational and not used to express love.

 

"What's the big deal? It's just sex." is a cliché uttered by many repentant cheaters.

 

Do you agree with that viewpoint? If you also see sex as recreational then you should have no trouble taking her back but if you see it as an expression of love then you two will be oil and water the whole time you cohabitate.

[FMW]

No one knows what is in her heart but her, but I wouldn't trust her. She's young and probably curious about what else is out there and she's already shown her willingness to test that out.

 

Her motivation and sincerity about wanting to get back together could very well be about financial support and having emotional security and stability - not so much about her love for you.

 

You have to decide what you can deal with, just make sure you're seeing things clearly.

[smackie9]

The credit card cut off and being kicked out made her realize the gravy train is over. That sent her into a panic trying to get back in....you are too old for games like this. She's a big girl, she can survive. She threatens suicide, it's a bs attempt. Nope, there's no room for forgiveness. You've seen enough, time to close this chapter.

[elaine567]

How can someone lie, cheat, hurt someone with feeling no guilt at the moment? How can someone's morality allow this kind of action? Isn't that psychopathic and narcissistic move?

Not necessarily, she does it because she can.

She sees you as a soft touch, someone she can get around easily, someone she doesn't respect.

She cheated, you forgave her.

That sent her a clear message, so she cheated again as she wanted to, and she assumed you, as you love her, would again forgive her.

She took your trust and love and threw it back in your face.

It was your weakness and she exploited it.

She saw something she wanted and went ahead and got it.

People cheat for many reasons, but there is an obvious power imbalance here and the cheater can be trying to even up that imbalance by cheating.

Read

This girl is NOT marriage material.

She is too young for marriage, too immature and I guess likes and gets a buzz from cheating.

[snowboy91]

Hi, I am 34 year old female in 4 year relationship with another woman who is 9 years younger than me.

 

...

 

I know she is young (she is 25) and she was exploring the world. She has taken on a huge responsibility on herself to be in a committed relationship with 34 year old woman, coming out of "normal" heterosexual relationship, at age freakin 21!

 

Well here's the problem. By doing the math on this, she jumped out of a heterosexual relationship at 21 and into a relationship with another woman within the space of a year. She's spent the majority (if not all!) of her adult years in a relationship, is finding out new parts of who she is and wants to explore. Which, ordinarily, would be perfectly fine except for the part where she's already in a committed relationship.

 

She has some serious self discovery to do, and it needs to be on her own terms. If you do get back together, the same issues that lead to her cheating will keep coming up unless you specifically address them - and her need for exploration isn't going to lend itself to a committed relationship at this point in her life.

[salparadise]

She's spent the majority (if not all!) of her adult years in a relationship, is finding out new parts of who she is and wants to explore. Which, ordinarily, would be perfectly fine except for the part where she's already in a committed relationship.

 

She very well may need to phuk a bunch of people, but it isn't exclusively about age; 25 years olds have monogamous relationships and successful marriages all the time. It's a feature of her personality and moral constitution that she feels entitled to wander off and then come back to partner as if it's no big deal. "Oh, I'm sorry. Now where were we? Can you give me a key and reactivate my credit card please?"

[Havanesemom]

Thank you all for the comments.

 

I feel like though there is so much more shades to the story. When I wrote the post, I think I misrepresented our relationship.

 

First of all, I didn't pay for her home nor credit card. We pay rent 50-50 but I kicked her out, claiming a home we built together. The credit card is from our joint bank which I cut her access from. She is entitled to those monetary things as they are 50-50 shared. Maybe I violated her right. She says it's OK for now.

 

When I first met her, I was a rack, emotionally hurt from past relationship, physically ill, lost in career. I have to give her a credit. She met me when she was 21, and for past 4 years, she has resurrected me. As a young, yet talented and successful person in art industry, she gave me a chance in bringing in me to her career and sharing her glory (gigs) so I can be where I am now. She nurtured me 24/7 to bring me back to health. Yes, she made mistakes of following her fire and not being loyal, but in so many aspects she was loyal to me and us. I know her motivation was the freedom from extreme responsibility she took on. It doesn't make her actions right. I still am in owe of her duality-- this awesome responsible successful person vs cannot control her fire/can't think through the consequences of her action.

 

I feel humble at this experience. I may not go back to this relationship. Yes, I do feel sympathy for her. I was a lot to take on. People have 2000 thoughts in a blink of eyes. To choose the right action from all the uncontrollable thoughts in our heart, one must be practiced and experienced. Shouldn't she have an opportunity to learn from this? Even if we don't go back to the relationship, because I am not certain if she is ready for this responsibility as she hopes now, I feel the humility to forgive her.

 

Thank you for reading. (Yes, I am still angry)

[PegNosePete]

I feel like though there is so much more shades to the story. When I wrote the post, I think I misrepresented our relationship.

Did you misrepresent the fact that she has cheated multiple times, not just a one-off "mistake" but for a period of time while travelling, as well as previous to that??

 

You would be very foolish if you were to give her yet another chance.

[ExpatInItaly]

She should learn from this, yes.

 

Will she? Probably not. Maybe someday, but it probably won't happen for a long time. She doesn't respect or love you enough, or she wouldn't have been unfaithful a second time. The better question is: Will you learn from this?

 

I can see that you are already trying to rationalize taking her back again. If you do so, know that she will more than likely do this again, and it will be a rocky road in the meantime. This won't be the last time she betrays your trust and breaks your heart.

[fromheart]

25 isn't that young, she'll always be a cheater unless she gets therapy. Id tell her to get therapy and move on personally.

[vla1120]

I have kicked her out of my home, completely cut off contact and cut off credit card. Now that she realized she is really going to loose me, she is going crazy.

 

It sounds like she is panicking because she lost a roof over her head and access to a credit card, even if it was from a joint account.

 

If I were you, I would not give her a third chance to betray me.

[kendahke]

I remember being 25, too---and I remember not cheating because that's the easy thing to do: not cheat. Not feel entitled to whomever's sex I cast my eye upon. Learned that early. She didn't--so now, she has to learn it at 25, but that's not your pupil and not your heavy lift.

 

Stay to the path you're on. Unless you want a round 2 of this where she then thinks she can weigh in on your treasury and possessions, I'd keep her well out of my life.