IslandSanctuary Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 My wife's first love died when they were together over a decade ago. She still keeps his picture in her wallet and wears his ring. When she's upset or stressed out she plays with it on her finger. I get that he's dead but it still bothers me. Is this ridiculous? I never let on to her that it bugs me, but it really does Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 Well on the one hand, it is understandable that she still has his momentoes and his ring. And that she also still wears his ring. And it is understandable that you are bothered by it. You should probably let her know. But before you do - why are you bothered by it? What meaning do you place on it? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 No, it's not ridiculous, I'm sure I would feel the same. Of course she wants to keep photos and mementos of him, but the ring on her finger is disrespectful to you, in my opinion. Some might be ok with it, but you're not and you shouldn't feel like you're being ridiculous. Your feelings are your feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 This is what can happen when you marry a widow/widower. The "ex" is not really an "ex". There was no falling out, no protracted fights, no built up resentment, no rejection, no cheating, no messy divorce, no hatred, anger or bitterness felt against the ex partner. All was going swimmingly well until the death... Love thus remains intact and untarnished. It is something anyone considering dating such a person needs to consider before they get too deeply involved. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 It is understandable that she would want mementos of her deceased partner, but everyone knows the symbolism of a wedding ring. It is inconsiderate of her to wear his ring when she is married to you. She probably thinks you understand what it means to her and that you do not mind. It is up to you whether you say something about this or not. I just get the feeling that this might end your relationship. She is still emotionally attached to his memory in a way that is difficult for any new partner to deal with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 Incredibly rude and insensitive and downright destructive to the marriage to wear her ex's ring. She can have photobooks around ... and some photos hung in the house ... but the ring. Oh hell no. How did you let this pass til now? What if you got an old girlfriend's picture and put it in your wallet? ... And then carried around some memento of that relationship? She wouldn't like that, I'm betting. The problem now is you have zero leverage. And she can say, "you didn't object before. So, I thought you were OK with this." She doesn't have to deny her ex ... or avoid talking about the ex ... or put away all his photos ... but you deserve the main focus ... the ring ... damn, that is just incredibly rude and insensitive. Is she bad with social skills? She's completely tone deaf? I feel for you. How long have you been married? Did you give her a ring at your wedding? If so, what has she done with it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandSanctuary Posted November 11, 2019 Author Share Posted November 11, 2019 everyone knows the symbolism of a wedding ring. It's not a wedding ring, they were never married. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 Sometimes it is easy to continue an inappropriate pattern of behavior when it is condoned by people around you. Perhaps she continued to keep mementos of him around and seek comfort from his memory because you haven't said anything? She may have deluded herself into believing that if her own husband doesn't mind then she can't be wrong. The truth is from an outside perspective it does seem disrespectful to you and your marriage. It may not technically be a wedding ring, but it sounds like it represents just as much to her, if not more. I think you need to tell her how it makes you feel. She might be quite shocked, upset, or even angry at first, but it is something that should be addressed if it upsets you. Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 My husband's first love died by suicide. All these years later, it is a sore spot for him. He doesn't wear a ring, but he keeps a couple of photos of her and a couple of items she gave him. I'm not jealous. She was my friend, and I miss her too. I know that his ex-wife couldn't get used to the idea that he could never give up her memory and it caused friction between them. I know better - that is simply NO-GO territory, especially on significant dates such as her birthday and the day she died. As Elaine said, when a partner dies there's nothing to minimize the pain. No fights to create distance like with a divorce. The memory remains, and can be made worse by the circumstances surrounding the death. While the ring and photograph may be a bit much, you should be aware that this is basically a permanent thing. I don't think that it is like you're competing with her dead partner, but it is something that she really can't put away or reduce to a healthier level. Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 I would leave her alone. She's married to you. It's a momento of a grief that may never be fully processed in this life. No use being jealous of or trying to pick a fight with a dead guy. Allow her the coping mechanisms. I would understand if there is a full blown shrine front and center in your bedroom or living room. But it doesn't sound like it. What finger does she wear the ring on? I am going to guess she still wears your wedding ring and places this one on another finger or hand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 When she's upset or stressed out she plays with it on her finger. Also, this could be an unconscious force of habit or nervous tic. Kind of like how people fidget around with spinner rings. My mom makes spinner rings that some people use to decompress. Link to post Share on other sites
beldar Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 So she's "married" to you but still wears another man's ring? Wow! Oh but you're a man so you don't really have any feelings that count. To her. Only her feelings count. Right? This is just piling on more evidence on to what you have posted previously that she really really does not give a rat's rear end about you. As always it's all about her. Right? Stand up for yourself man! Stop being such a damned doormat. Just why do you stay with this woman? You could leave today and she might not even notice for a couple of months. Take your life back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 I never let on to her that it bugs me, but it really does She could have his picture tattooed across her face, but if you've never said anything you're being dangerously passive-aggressive in your approach to the relationship. Who wants to hear "Hey Gloria, your ex's ring and the things you do with it have bugged me for the last 10 years"? If it bothers you, why years of silence? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 My first thought was you married her knowing this was part of the package. It would be disingenuous to make a fuss now. Then I put myself in your place and thought, "no this would not work for me." I was on the fence so I went to the great decider - my wife. I outlined the basic story to her. She put down her yogurt, glared at me and said, "Not only no - but Hell NO." She said more but the gist of it was that if I were to pull something like that I could forget playing guitar because I would be missing a finger. I just jumped off the fence. You are entirely justified to feel the way you do. The ring and picture should be in her hope chest or somewhere she keeps her past memorabilia. In her mind she may well be honoring her lost love but to you, me and my wife she is making a clear statement that she had to settle instead of having what she wanted. The problem you face is how to get that outcome without your marriage catching on fire. I think third party intervention through a counselor is a good option. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 My first thought was you married her knowing this was part of the package. This is my thought, too. You should have said something about this a long time ago. However, since it's bothering you now, I think you should bring it up, but in as gentle and tactful a way as possible. Let her know how it makes you feel. Be prepared for the possibility that she won't ever want to take the ring off. Since you married her as is, for better or for worse, I think you'll have to accept whatever she decides to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 Does she ever take it off? If so, maybe it could get lost? Then, replace it with something nicer. That is evil... but not the worst idea. I know a girl whose bf wore a watch is ex gf gave him. They were on holiday and sitting on the balcony he took off the watch and laid it down on top of the balcony wall. Unfortunately as she was walking past, she managed to "accidentally" swipe it off the wall so it fell onto the street below and smashed. "Oh dear how sad, your lovely watch..." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandSanctuary Posted November 13, 2019 Author Share Posted November 13, 2019 Yeah I think I've decided to just let it slide. I don't really like it but she's great in so many ways, and I know it has huge sentimental value to her. He died about 10 years ago and it was very sad they were both 21. I think I should just leave it alone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandSanctuary Posted November 14, 2019 Author Share Posted November 14, 2019 Oh I left out how she has his initials as part of a tattoo on her wrist Go to town with that lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Oh I left out how she has his initials as part of a tattoo on her wrist Go to town with that lol Sounds like your wife is the lead female character in the movie 'Titanic'. If you recall, her "One True Love' perished in the movie, but she stayed in love with him. Even though she got married and had a family, she really belonged to her ghost boyfriend, as evidenced by the last scene of the movie where she threw a priceless necklace into the ocean so it could be with her boyfriend. I remember how angry that scene made me - I remember thinking how her real family could have used the money - it would have paid for a lot of braces on a lot of her grand kids teeth... but she decided to 'give' it to her long dead boyfriend instead. If I ever found out my wife decided to do that in real life, she would soon be following the necklace into the icy depths... As for the tat... well one morning she would be waking up in the hospital with the skin on her arm removed... Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 IslandSanctuary, it seems you went into the marriage knowing it all, especially with the tattoo clearly on display. Did it bother you then? If so, it seems you made a decision that the pros of being with her outweighed the cons. As you can see from our responses, it's normal that you have some "issues" with this. But unless she's become even more "attached" to his memory, keep remembering why you made the decision to be with her. Only you can decide what you're able and willing to accept, or at least deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Go to town with that lol Unless she's gotten the ink since she's known you, it's a package deal. You can have her, but you get the tattoo and ring also... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Seems to me your "issues" with your wife just keep stacking up. Is her "big charismatic heavily tattooed fit" guy friend still hanging around? He is probably more of a threat to you than her dead ex. How committed do you honestly feel she is to you? Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Oh I left out how she has his initials as part of a tattoo on her wrist Go to town with that loland yet another poster 'burying the lead'. while i have no ink i have numerous friends that do. all take putting a 'name' on their body VERY seriously/they do NOT take it lightly. it is obvious this person had a huge impact on her life. OP you KNEW about the tattoo shortly after dating, you KNEW about the tattoo when you proposed, and you KNEW about the tattoo when you married her --- go ahead draw the line --- you are standing in a pool of nitro-methane holding a lit flare... if you don't understand what happens next, i give up. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 Just curious, did her friend’s friend ever move in with you guys? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 20, 2019 Share Posted November 20, 2019 It's understandable for her to keep it. But to WEAR it, despite having a new husband (you)? That's just... no. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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