Question about those who married someone from another country

[lioil]

I have been talking and seeing her for few months and do like her very much. She is from another country doing administrative work at a school and her english is not good.

My parents dont have issue with her coming here and get married but they did say I need to be mentally prepared to support her since she will have no income. I am actually flustered because I dont know if i can and I always imagined a dual income household for better stability.

 

Anyone had similar experiences can share thoughts and tips? I plan to ask her what her plans are if she comes here. She does have some income from her rental back in her place and i suspect if she leaves she can rent to another for double rental income...maybe total 2k/month.

 

Thanks!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Have you met her in person? In what country do you live?

[ExpatInItaly]

I have been talking and seeing her for few months and do like her very much.

 

Are you actually in a relationship with her?

 

I am not sure if you might be putting the cart before the horse here, with talk of marriage. What is the current status between you two?

 

And most importantly, does she want to migrate and live in a new country? Has she mentioned getting married one day?

 

For what it's worth, I live abroad myself (as evidenced by my username) though I came on my own. I have a couple friends who have sponsored foreign spouses to come here, and a couple who did the same in my country of origin. It's a tough process. Legally, depending on where you are, there are some costly and significant hurdles to overcome. Then, there is the added stress of integrating into a new society - particularly when you don't know the language. I have done this myself and it's not without big challenges. It's not for everyone, as even smaller tasks (going to the bank, dropping off dry-cleaning, getting a prescription filled, letting the cable guy into your home) are harder and much more time-consuming when you can't yet communicate in the local language. All of that will be on you for a while until she learns and is comfortable using basic language skills. You're also looking at adapting to the local lifestyle and customs. Finances aside for a moment, are you prepared to essentially act as host and guide to her, for the long haul? What happens if she doesn't like it and wants to go home? These are some things you need to consider, too.

[lioil]

sorry was away a bit.

 

1. I am not officially in a relationship but since the goal for both sides is getting married and we saw eachother already i would say silent yes.

 

2. yes the goal of us getting acquainted is through matchmaker with both parties goal of getting married. she wants to come to US due to better environment etc.

 

3. Sorry for being ignorant of Italy, but is english a common language in italy or you had to learn it? FWIW, when she came to US with her mom, they traveled to several states for a week without tourguide and they made it back... it is impressive to me at least and also how translation apps has gotten a long way.

 

I think she is definitely in on living in US - of course there's always risk of not liking the country. I did look into the visa process of fiance/marriage. Both are long processes but its workable.

 

Also, she has already sent me her school schedule (she works as admin there) as an obvious hint of her availability to meet again. I dont want to dwell on too long. My parents want grandkids so they dont care as much as she needing to get a job asap - not that they arent important but its not priority. I am getting older too 38 so clocks are ticking.

 

I dont know if i can be forward and ask her those questions? I feel next step if i continue is to have her come here again by herself this time and i take some time off to travel with her and see where it goes?

Edited November 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

3. Sorry for being ignorant of Italy, but is english a common language in italy or you had to learn it? FWIW, when she came to US with her mom, they traveled to several states for a week without tourguide and they made it back... it is impressive to me at least and also how translation apps has gotten a long way.

 

No, I think you have misunderstood.

 

I am a native English-speaker. I was born and raised in North America and moved to Italy a few years ago in my early 30s. Thus, I've had to learn Italian. English is not widely-spoken here (to a proficient degree) outside the obvious tourist-oriented areas. Translation apps will only take you so far when you're negotiating things like legal documents, securing a work and residency permit, opening a bank account, registering for health care, seeing a doctor, arguing with your cranky landlord, and so on. Apps are fine for random words and phrases, but they are insufficient in dealing with life as a resident and not a tourist. That level of language capability requires much more intensive and prolonged exposure, study and commitment.

 

Do you also speak her mother tongue? I am sensing that you share a cultural background.

 

You could invite her to come visit again. See how she responds. You should consider going to see her as well, to get a better sense of the context in which she grew up and how she lives her daily life. These things are important in understanding the person in front of you.

[lioil]

Yeah i agree about getting used to the culture everyday thing... i caught her trying to buy a fiji water when she wanted water and i pointed her to cheaper ones... note she wasn't trying to buy fiji water specifically but just water.

 

I do speak her mother tongue and there's no issue for us to get along everyday - although i am behind on the "new trends" in her motherlands but thats not much issue.

 

I feel if i invite her again it pretty much means "settled".. the matchmaker is saying if she comes here again i should even propose... Now it is not unnatural for it to occur - she had friends she connected who proposed after couple of visits and phone conv. I guess it does look weird if one thinks "how can i propose after X dates??" but i guess since both party want what they want it kind of filters out some initial hesitation? I like to meet more but i feel if i do invite her again it will be it...

 

FWIF, if she were born here or at least had time here already, she probably find someone better than me lol...

Edited November 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[RecentChange]

Plans about what the future would look like - both working or not, what kind of home is the goal, how would household and financial responsibilities be shared, how many children would be ideal etc are all things that a couple should discuss at length and agree upon before considering marriage.

 

You need to know what her goals are, what an ideal future looks like to her - you should ask yourself the same questions.

 

And I would ask her these things before telling you what you want ideally because she may just tell you what you want to hear.

 

You don't know if her dream is to be a stay at home mom or a career woman.

 

Is it feasible for you to be a solo bread winner of a family? What sort of life style is she expecting?

 

These are things that when hashed out early can prevent a lot of issues later on.

[RecentChange]

FWIF, if she were born here or at least had time here already, she probably find someone better than me lol...

 

Be careful - that can certainly grow into resentment. If she realizes she is settling simply because you have more power in the situation due to where you were born.

 

Well that might put a big crack in happily ever after.

 

Arranged marriages can work - if everyone is getting a good deal, feel that all of their needs are being met etc.

 

I don't know, it would never be something I would consider, I am just too picky about the kind of connection I want to have with the person I live with, but I understand how it can work for some people.

[major_merrick]

From what my husband has told me of his travels, English is not a common second language in Italy. Since he didn't know Italian, he used what French he knew, since it was more widely understood. It is likely your intended partner learned English on purpose, and that is definitely a good thing. She has been preparing herself for life in America, and it will make the transition easier.

One thing I'll ask - are there other Italian people in the area where you live? Or will she be totally alone with no connection to her country? It makes a difference. I've known a couple of girls who moved to the US from Asia, and the lack of people of their own culture really bothered them. They made less than ideal friendships simply because they found a person or two who spoke their language. For a more successful story, my husband's Wife #4 is from Mexico. In the area where we live and work, about 40% of the population is Hispanic. Some people are even from her own portion of Mexico. She's fluent in English, but can go to most any store and speak her native language and feel at home.

 

You had better be prepared to support her, at least for a while. In fact, that is a LEGAL obligation when you bring in a partner on a K-1 visa. If she can't/won't get a job, she will expect you to succeed at providing, especially if she is from a more traditional family. And Uncle Sam will also evaluate your financial status before you can even get that visa. Expect the government to be very much in your lives until she can get permanent residency.

[alphamale]

I married a Canadian woman. She didn't work for most of our 4 year marriage. I had to support her 100%. After that I filed for divorce and she went back to Toronto. Thank god we didn't have kids.

[Kaarek]

I'm a little confused, the woman is from Italy and you live in the US? If that is the case, I could say my opinion on that considering I've been living Italy for over 13 years.

English is barely spoken in this country if almost no one really speaks it. 

Considering I've had enough online relationships with almost no positive outcomes, I would personally tell you to pay attention what you're wishing for. (that doesn't mean every online relationship isn't sucessful but the % for it to succeed is very low)

Many people are leaving Italy for other countries in order to live a better Life, Italy's economic crisis has been going on since 2009 and it has never recovered infact in 2009 it was close to bankrupt but we somehow managed to survive therefore this girl that is supposedly your future lover, might as well want to move to the US because of this. (Keep in mind this might not be your case but it's better to consider all options before committing to something you can't back off from).

I forgot to mention the standard living in here is not that great compared to other european countries and the salaries are quite low compared to the rest of the EU so be extremely careful.

I've had a relationship that lasted for quite a long time and the moment I was supposed to meet this person, she literally backed off and broke up, 1 week later had a new partner. What has this to do with yourself, you might ask me? Not much but online relationships are highly unstable, you have to meet your partner within a year or move out with your SO asap.

Now take everything I've wrote with a grain of salt and decide what fits you best, I'm writing all of this because I don't want you to complicate your life with an online relationship and regret it furthermore so do as you wish but please, consider everything I wrote, I wish you the best.

All you have to do is make sure this person really wants to live with you because she loves you and not because she loves the USA and you're the ticket for a better life.

Best Regards 🙂

Edited December 31, 2019 by Kaarek