Is it possible to fall back in love with an ex that you fell out of love with?

[LostPenguin]

Is it possible to fall back in love with an ex that you fell out of love with? I split up with my long term boyfriend because I lost feelings for him. 6 months later, I have really started to miss him, we haven't seen or contacted each other in over 3 months now and I checked his Instagram a few months ago and he looks better than ever.

 

I'm in a new relationship, but this guy isn't as attractive, ambitious or talented as my ex, it was/is a rebound, he treats me well but we work together 9-5 (complicating things) and I just can't see a future with him, and have started to compare him to my ex, who I've heard from mutual friends has really changed and bettered himself.

 

I lost feelings for him because he started to change, become needy, jealous and insecure. I initially felt very relieved to leave the relationship, and was happier than I've ever been in a long time, but as time has gone on, and since we haven't spoken to each other my feelings have started to change, is this normal? Is this what they call dumper regret?

[lauri]

To be honest, I don't know.

 

But from my experience, once any of my exgirlfriends have lost interest in me, it's normally over forever. I've gone no contacts, disappeared and improved myself. And everytime, after a while, each ex came back trying either "regretting" their decision or just seeing how I am doing (just curious).

 

Everytime I did try with the ones who "regretted" leaving me, they would slowly begin to realize that they actually still don't have those feelings. Maybe they were lonely, maybe they felt their feelings would come back or maybe they built up an image of how things would go. I don't know.

 

Normally it's because there is so much history, we don't forget what happened and she always has that in the back of her head (how I was jealous, needy, etc). I felt like I couldn't mess up or she'd leave. The truth is, with each girl, the breakup happened for a reason.

 

I guess if you were to go back, you'd probably experience the same (assuming he'd say yes). You're feeling this way because he appears more desirable at the moment - but if you were to go back, he'd have to play his cards right to keep you interested. I don't know the full history but normally when a guy is jealous and needy, it's highly unlikely those traits will disappear after 6 months. I could be wrong though, this is just based on my experiences.

 

Also, you could be feeling this way because you haven't found anyone better yet. I'm pretty sure if you found someone who was an upgrade, for you, you wouldn't be here asking us.

[schlumpy]

I lost feelings for him because he started to change, become needy, jealous and insecure. I initially felt very relieved to leave the relationship, and was happier than I've ever been in a long time, but as time has gone on, and since we haven't spoken to each other my feelings have started to change, is this normal? Is this what they call dumper regret?

 

Your boyfriend did not change to being "needy, jealous and insecure" without a stimulus and that would be you. Did you exhibit any behaviors during the relationship that would have encouraged the "change" in him that you described?

[fromheart]

It's called him doing the right thing by working on himself and going NC. You thought he was needy, and now he's proved that he is the opposite. Dumped men, take note.

 

Look at it from his point of view, he's now improved himself and proved those that misjudged him wrong. You are with someone you don't really like. Why should he go back to someone who cast him aside? I certainly didn't.

[fromheart]

Your boyfriend did not change to being "needy, jealous and insecure" without a stimulus and that would be you. Did you exhibit any behaviors during the relationship that would have encouraged the "change" in him that you described?

 

I agree with this.

[stillafool]

You don't seem to know what you want because it seems as soon as you get them you no longer want them. You are not in love with your ex, you enjoy monkey branching. You should stay single and date around more before you settle with another boyfriend. Make sure your next boyfriend is someone you really want this time.

[elaine567]

Dump the poor guy you are now with first

It is going nowhere, he is never going to be "good enough" so it is unfair to string him along.

 

As for your ex "Never go back" is probably best.

He may be "better", and more appealing now, but my guess is the moment you get back together he will slowly change back into the "jealous needy insecure" guy he was when you dumped him. Sometimes people are just not meant to be together

Leave him alone. is my advice, keep looking around for a better match.

[scooby-philly]

Is it possible to fall back in love with an ex that you fell out of love with? I split up with my long term boyfriend because I lost feelings for him. 6 months later, I have really started to miss him, we haven't seen or contacted each other in over 3 months now and I checked his Instagram a few months ago and he looks better than ever.

 

So a few things about this first paragraph. You lost feelings for him you say. Why? Did you know what you wanted going in? Did you know what you needed from a partner/relationship before going in? Did you evaluate things before it got too serious to see if you were both a good fit? And furthermore, did articulate your wants and needs to him? It's hard to be a good partner if someone doesn't tell you want they want or need or if they keep things to themselves. I know with my last ex, she love bombed me for 6-7 months, but then she did the slow fade and I didn't realize it. She probably wasn't in love with me for a few months at the end - but she didn't know how to talk about her needs and wants and therefore I had no chance to show her I could satisfy those needs. (Not even sure I could, just saying I never got the chance to try)

 

Do you miss him? Or do you miss some of the things you had with him that you don't have with the current boyfriend? Subsequently...if you haven't seen him in 3+ months, then you can't be in love with someone you don't see. You're now regretting things because you snooped on his social media, breaking no contact, and you see him happy, healthy and in your mind "better than he was" when you dumped him.

 

I'm in a new relationship, but this guy isn't as attractive, ambitious or talented as my ex, it was/is a rebound, he treats me well but we work together 9-5 (complicating things) and I just can't see a future with him, and have started to compare him to my ex, who I've heard from mutual friends has really changed and bettered himself.

 

As others have said, I would do this current guy a favor and let him go. Do it gently and do it to his face and be honest. And make sure it doesn't interfere with work. No one deserves to be strung along, particularly when you have obviously lost any attraction/respect for this guy.

 

I lost feelings for him because he started to change, become needy, jealous and insecure. I initially felt very relieved to leave the relationship, and was happier than I've ever been in a long time, but as time has gone on, and since we haven't spoken to each other my feelings have started to change, is this normal? Is this what they call dumper regret?

 

People chance in a relationship. You won't ever find a person or a relationship where the person is the same way from the start to the finish - whether it's 6 months, 6 years, or 6 decades. It's understandable to want to rid yourself of someone who's needy and insecure. Now, a little bit of jealousy is okay - because if a person isn't a little bit jealous then they don't really care about losing you - aka they don't love you or don't see a future with you. Was he extremely jealous? Or did he not show any in the beginning and you're a free spirit and when he started to display normal levels you overreacted? Not accusing or assuming - just asking.

 

And as other people have pointed out - often times there's a dynamic in a relationship that can impact someone's behavior. Not saying it's completely your fault (And it could be 99% his fault) - but if he wasn't needy and insecure what happened to change him? Was he experiencing something bad in life? Were there problems with his family? Were there problems with his job/career? Were there problems between the two of you? I would say that for a decent guy - if a woman doesn't show she cares, if she doesn't know how to communicate and isn't emotionally available it can cause strain on a relationship and impact a guy's ego if he doesn't confront her about how her actions are affecting him. That's not to say this is what happened, but your post as written suggests (through lack of counter information) that you didn't talk or try to work on these issues with your ex and you aren't processing your current emotions with the current boyfriend. That will always have a negative impact on relationships.

 

I know with my last ex I probably got a bit needy and a bit insecure, but now that we're almost 3 months apart I can look back and realize that it was in part due to not knowing what the future was with her and because she had dialed back the affection to a almost minimal and went back into hiding emotionally. Now, I'm mature enough that I should have both dealt with it and addressed it head on and forced her hand on some things or left, but I was also dealing with some work stuff and also had gotten to a point where I was swallowing my needs and wants all just to keep her and keep the status quo. So it was at least half my fault...but I'll guarantee that at some point - and unless she changes she would never come back b/c she can't admit when she does anything wrong - my ex will see how I'm doing and feel the way you do. I wouldn't take her back and I don't want her back - but I do hope she grows up and figures things out.

 

As you said - it sounds like dumper's remorse. As someone told you - get rid of the current bf and do some work on yourself before diving into another relationship. And...keep in mind that it's a good sign to feel remorse - especially as you've identified and are open to the fact that you may have been partially to blame for the dynamic and why things happened the way they did. That sort of honesty and transparency with yourself may feel scary, but it's totally the way to growth!

[LostPenguin]

Your boyfriend did not change to being "needy, jealous and insecure" without a stimulus and that would be you. Did you exhibit any behaviors during the relationship that would have encouraged the "change" in him that you described?

 

Yes I did, and I feel terrible for it. I'll provide some more context..

 

We were together for 11 years, 3 years ago I emotionally cheated on him with a co worker at a previous job, he was distraught and nearly left me but I begged and earnt his trust back. Then I got a new job 2 years later and got a new group of friends, one was the guy I'm currently with, when I started he messaged me a lot and I did nothing to stop it, I kept messaging him back and eventually my ex found out about it and started becoming very jealous and insecure about the whole thing, he changed a lot and I think it was because of this, he just wasn't himself anymore and he would constantly ask if there was something going on, there wasn't at first but I slowly started to loose feelings for him and even though i didn't find my current partner (the co worker) attractive I started to develop feelings for him because he was so kind and complementing to me, my ex wasn't and stopped doing all the sentimental things but now I realise that was all my fault, I made him feel jealous which lead him to become insecure.. when we were together I used to go out with this group of friends alot and wear clothing that my ex wasn't happy with (cleavage), that must have made him feel horrible.. I was just being so selfish and in the heat of the moment with a new group of friends and attention from this guy/my current partner. I feel like I betrayed him and I've posted photos of this new relationship all over social media. This new group of friends is very close and my current partner is the centre of it, we all work together but as I said I cant see a future with him..

[stillafool]

Oh God, like I said maybe you should stay single until you know exactly what it is you want. Don't put anyone else through this nonsense.

[schlumpy]

Thank you for being honest. I recognize that it wasn't easy for you to post that.

 

I don't think you ever really lost feelings for your ex. The pressure he was putting on you caused you to seek an escape route i.e., your current boyfriend. Now that the pressure is off you are seeing things more clearly. The fact that his life seems better without you has caused you to reconsider.

 

I don't think enough time has gone by for you to attempt to reconcile if that is what you wish. I would suggest you end your current relationship and fly solo for a while. Try and work on what you feel you failed at or destroyed your previous relationship. After you have a handle on things and enough time has gone by and he is still single, write him a nice letter taking responsibility for what happened. Indicate a desire to see him again and then see what happens.

I think you will feel much better that at a minimum you took responsibility to your own shortcomings. It will make it easier to move on without regret.

 

If it doesn't work make sure you don't make the same mistakes with next BF. Your life isn't over.

[preraph]

You might, but he won't, because he's jealous and insecure, and now he has a reason to be, so he's not going to get comfortable in the relationship ever again. Move on to the next guy or do alone for a while.

[Highndry]

It's time to let the poor guy you're dating go and do some soul-searching. You are not relationship material.

[rjc149]

You dumped your ex for another man. There will never be the safety and security that will allow him to feel close to you again. There will never trust. You ended up tossing him aside for something better. His jealousy and insecurity in your relationship proved to be justified.

 

His ability to not chase and validate you, move on, and improve his life has made him attractive to you.

 

I'm not trying to sound crude, but if he knows any better, you would only be good as a FWB while he continued exploring other options to find a woman he can be with starting with a clean slate.

 

If he doesn't know any better and believes you two can have a lasting relationship after what happened, this would be a delusion rife with even more insecurity and jealousy.

 

Your honesty is admirable and took courage to open yourself up to criticism, so I mean this in the best possible way. The reality is that your thoughts and actions are quite typical for women and do not reflect badly on you specifically as a person. Women are turned-off by insecurity and weakness like your ex displayed, and attracted to strength and high value like he now displays.

 

Your time is better spent finding a new man entirely, starting with a clean slate, with the new lessons learned from your previous relationships.

[scooby-philly]

You dumped your ex for another man. There will never be the safety and security that will allow him to feel close to you again. There will never trust. You ended up tossing him aside for something better. His jealousy and insecurity in your relationship proved to be justified.

 

I think it's worthy to note that she admitted to emotionally cheating. TBH - if that happens, like any case of cheating, either the relationship should end or there needs to be a complete, complex, and multi-step plan. It sounds like they both stuck around and didn't address the cheating or the underlying cause which caused him to become insecure and led to her emotionally drifting off again eventually.

 

 

His ability to not chase and validate you, move on, and improve his life has made him attractive to you.

 

This is it. Hopefully he gained some self-confidence and realized what happened as is happy and healthy.

 

 

Your honesty is admirable and took courage to open yourself up to criticism, so I mean this in the best possible way.

 

Agreed. It's not easy to be honest and receive candid feedback - especially these days as people - even in "committed relationships" stick to the surface of things.

 

 

Women are turned-off by insecurity and weakness like your ex displayed, and attracted to strength and high value like he now displays.

 

I would agree - but I would point out in her case this was of her own making. Secondly, if there weren't emotionally mature and communicating before, or at least after her cheating - then he didn't know as a man what to do - combined with them not having a plan to address the cheating in an of itself. Perhaps he was stuck feeling like he had to be the "nice guy" and give her a chance - without realizing he was setting himself up for eventual failure by being too nice.

 

I know with my recent ex - I probably got a little needy and insecure myself. It happens to us all. I don't think that was the only thing that lead to her breaking up with me. And in reality, if it was a major problem for her she never communicated it, she never communicated her wants and needs and emotions anyway, and she caused some of the insecurity herself because she would not commit to telling her family about me leaving me feel listless about the future. Yes, I own the fact that I tolerated that and didn't leave sooner. And I own the fact that she disrespected me several times with threats of leaving the relationship in absolutely ridiculous fights. But...I was the nice guy, lol. But I would argue to hell and back for the eternal placement of my soul that decent guys can be "soft" sometimes, tough guys can have feelings, and good men still need affection and care from a woman. So don't play into this bad-guy stereotype 100%. And work on your communication skills to avoid a repetition in the future.

[LostPenguin]

I haven't stopped thinking about him the past few days, even had a dream last night of us getting back together, how could I go from being convinced I didn't love him for months before the break up, to feeling relieved and the happiest I've been in a long time with my new partner to now regretting the whole thing and constantly thinking about my handsome ex? I feel ****ing terrible for what I've done and just want to reach out and say sorry but I'm afraid he wont respond at all or be really cold with me, it's what I would deserve.. i think I going to regret this for the rest of my life, he used to he so strong willed and confident and I destroyed that, I'm dreading the moment I see him with someone else. The current guy I'm with, whilst very nice and polite is a downgrade in every aspect and im starting to get bored with him, im happy when im with him and our group of work friends but when im alone with him I just get no spark whatsoever. So confused as to what to do in this situation, you're all right, I need to break it off with him but it will destroy the group dynamics, wish I could go back one year and behaved differently

[LostPenguin]

 

I don't think you ever really lost feelings for your ex. The pressure he was putting on you caused you to seek an escape route i.e., your current boyfriend. Now that the pressure is off you are seeing things more clearly. The fact that his life seems better without you has caused you to

 

 

This. I felt trapped due to his constant neediness, insecurity and asking me if something was going on about me messaging and it pushed me away, in hindsight he had every right to be.

[stillafool]

. i think I going to regret this for the rest of my life, he used to he so strong willed and confident and I destroyed that, I'm dreading the moment I see him with someone else.

 

You haven't destroyed his will or confidence, it took a hit but he is a strong man because he didn't run to get you back but moved on as he was supposed to do. I don't mean to be rude but you seem to be always looking for greener grass and how do you know that when you leave this guy and he no longer wants you that you're not going to want him back too. I think you need to sort yourself out, stay single for a while, find out what you really want from a man before you enter another relationship.

[rjc149]

I feel ****ing terrible for what I've done and just want to reach out and say sorry but I'm afraid he wont respond at all or be really cold with me, it's what I would deserve

 

Reaching out to say sorry, even if it's just to say sorry, would confuse him and likely stunt his healing process. Don't do this. Leave him be. Let him move on.

 

I echo the advice given, that you need to learn how to be single and not equate that with loneliness. You come off as a woman who needs a man in her life to feel complete and whole, and without one, feels alone and unwanted. If that's so, you need to work on yourself and learn to validate yourself. That might take therapy.

 

The current guy I'm with, whilst very nice and polite is a downgrade in every aspect and im starting to get bored with him, im happy when im with him and our group of work friends but when im alone with him I just get no spark whatsoever.

 

Right now you're stringing him along for the ancillary social benefits and self-validation. You're using him as a safety net. This is low-class behavior.

 

Let the rebound go now and accept the consequences to your social life like an adult. Graciously accept that the ex has let you go and leave him be. This is the right thing to do for both men. Have integrity and strength. Don't make this all about you.

[Commongoal123]

You don't seem to know what you want because it seems as soon as you get them you no longer want them. You are not in love with your ex, you enjoy monkey branching. You should stay single and date around more before you settle with another boyfriend. Make sure your next boyfriend is someone you really want this time.

 

This. Don't hop from relationship to relationship. Stuffing your feelings in a bag and throwing it over your shoulder, walking into another unsuspecting man's life so soon, only to find a safe space to then unpack all your **** in, creating chaos in the process, is one of the ****tiest and disrespectful ways to make your way through life. For you and anyone involved.