I love the OM truly...

[Marguerittee]

Hi, I found this forum fews days ago and I read hundreds threads during the nights, I think i can learn a lot from here, your stories, your strength, your views about love and the men. I decided tell my story here, I hope I could get some advices or just your opinions. I think if i just keep my story i gonna die, i cannot suffer it alone anymore but i scare to tell my story with anyone who is attached to me.

 

English is not my native language but I hope you all still can understand what I gonna try to tell....

I’m married woman with a 2 year-old kid. My marriage was really good before, we were in love, did romantic things and I felt like I couldn’t live without my husband. But after my son was born, I was like always in a “stressful state”. I cared and worried too much about my son that I didn’t care at all my husband. And time passed, I realized I don’t love him anymore, we stay together as the “co-workers” to take care of my son.We both just concentrate to my son and forget caring about each other. Then when I came back to work when my son about 7 months. I met a guy at work, he isn’t married but has a girlfriend. We first just talked as a friend, went for lunch, helped each other at work.

 

After about 1 month, we seem fall in love. I don’t know when and how exactly but the day I realized I start having feelings with him, and him too, we tried to stay away, but as we worked at the same place, it was difficult to totally avoid. The months later, after many times we tried to avoid contact each other, we finally were like “in relationship “, we just met at work, had lunch together, talked and shared all the emotions in our own life. We decided at that time to be as a “soulmate” forever. After about one month, we started feeling like we were truly in love, he broke up with his girlfriend and we started talking about “our future”. Honestly I really wanted to be able to build "a life" with him but I know it’s mostly 100% impossible. I have my son just at 2 year old, my husband is kind to me and still love me. My parents, his parents wouldn't let it happen.

 

So when we started I was aware that there is one day It should be done and I was confident that I can let him go when we have to. We keep this situation during 5 months more and then, last july, he graduated (he did his PhD at the institue where i'm currently a researcher) and he found a job in other city, he said he would move away at the end of October. Since i heard that, i became so panic, i was so scared the perspective that he is leaving me, he will meet soneone else, he will forget me .. I didn't tell him my fear, but during last August and September, I tried to avoid him, I tried to break up with him many many times. I thought that i should get over him before he leaves me. He was so upset, he texted me a lot, he tried to see me, he wrote me the email every day to express his love. He even told me that he can't live without me.

 

He said he doesn't require i love him anymore, just don't ignore him, just talk to him as friends. He just need keep contact with me, he can't accept loosing me in his life..But i totally ignored him, i scared if i continued talk with him, although just as friends, i will keep loving him. Then at the beginning of october, he was so busy since he had to move soon, he stopped text me, no phone, no text no email from him during one week. I realized i still love him so much, i missed him terribly so i texted him at 2am. His phone was off. I sent message through Facebook and in 2 hours, my messages still unseen. This situation never happened before. Before whenever i'm looking for him he is there. So i was too panic and i know i do love him so so much.

 

The day after i got his reply, he said he was just busy, he asked me to have lunch together. So we went for lunch and i admitted all my feelings, i told him that i love him and scare the truth that i'm loosing him, i was so emotional so i cried a lot in front of him. Although he still said his love doesn't change but i feel like there is sth changed..

The days after were so bad, i tried to reach out him all the time, i texted him, asked to meet... and i still feel like he doesn't love me anymore. I asked him directly if he still love me. He said that the love normally comes from the positive feelings when we stay together but last time when he was ignored by me, it was so badly, and he can't forget when he told me he wanna kill himself, i still ignored him. However he still said he still loves me, but i can't believe i don't know i just feel like he doesn't love me anymore. When i came back home this day, i thought a lot, i feel paintful, i couldn't sleep at all and i decided i should end the story here. So The day after i asked him to meet and i told him i wouldn't contact him anymore, i said goodbye, wished him all the best.

 

He said he knows me well, he believes i can't cut him off permanently, he will give me times to think and i can reconnect with him whenever i want. I didn't say anything more, but when i go i saw his tears.

So i'm in no contact from this day (until now - 26 days). 5 days after he texted me to ask if i'm okay. I didn't answer, he texted another message to say he will continue wait. 2 days after he called me and texted me again. I didn't answer, he said he will wait again... 4 days after he texted me to say he will leave soon, if i want to meet him ?

 

I didn't answer as well, so he sent me the emoji " " Then i guess he left the city, maybe he is busy at the new place with new job, he didn't text me anything more in 12 days. And yesterday he texted me to say that he is so busy with many things there but he will write an email to me.

 

 

 

Honestly during this time i miss him so badly, i did no contact to truly get over him, to help me move on but it seems too hard. I still think constantly about him. I can't concentrate to my work, i took a week off to stay home, to spend time with my son but i still can't get over him. I miss him and i feel regret about what i acted to him during last time we met. Now i accepted that i should let him go for his life, for his future, for his happiness but i cannot control my emotions, i will love him maybe forever and that makes me scared. If i can live like this, love him forever and cannot stop missing him...

Edited November 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

You turned to the other man to escape the pressures of parenthood. And like many women in this situation, you have no convinced yourself that you can’t live without your other man... because you love him so.

 

But, if you ever were to get with the other man, I would predict that you would soon find yourself falling out of love as the pressures of that relationship, divorce, and single parenting mount and you have another “stressful state.”

 

This has less to do with these two men than it has to do with you. I feel badly for your husband and child, their wife and mother clearly doesn’t have her head in the game. I would suggest you get yourself some counselling if you can and have an honest discussion with your husband...

[stillafool]

I'm not sure what question you are asking us or whether you created this thread just to vent. If you are so in love with the other man and he is head over heels for you, why haven't you set your husband free by filing for divorce and going with the other man? It's your decision, make it.

[FMW]

You say that your parents "wouldn't let it happen", I assume meaning your marriage breaking up. Why do your parents have any say in your marriage?

[DKT3]

I believe a lot of times a MW subconsciously knows a relationship with her OM is not viable so they create obstacles that prevent her from actually moving on from her husband and marriage. It also allows the fantasy to continue, looking at this relationships for what they are most of the time would ruin what they have convinced themselves was/is so special.

 

Recently we had a MW saying she couldn't handle her husband's infidelity from years ago but also said she couldn't find any fault in her MM who was also cheating on his wife. Was she looking at her situation realistically? Her MM had the same flaw that had her wanting out of her marriage. He is a cheater that's why she no longer wanted her husband.

[ABernie]

I have no opinion or advice, but thank you for sharing your story and your internal thoughts. I must say, that it is helpful for me to see that maybe my xMM has similar thoughts and that he didn't just turn off the switch.

 

I am 99.99% sure we will never reconnect, but it's helpful to know that I'm not crazy.

[ABernie]

Recently we had a MW saying she couldn't handle her husband's infidelity from years ago but also said she couldn't find any fault in her MM who was also cheating on his wife. Was she looking at her situation realistically? Her MM had the same flaw that had her wanting out of her marriage. He is a cheater that's why she no longer wanted her husband.

 

 

This is an interesting point. I'm not sure if it was about me. My STBX did not cheat, but did betray and lie to me (to cover up) repeatedly about something for 15 years. However, I never saw xMM this way (as he lied and said they had discussed and decided on divorce, as my STBX and I had). He hadn't betrayed me (to my knowledge), so I didn't see it in the moment.

 

 

Now hindsight is showing me xMM's betrayal. Baby steps.