Girls trip + 1 guy - Weird or Harmless?

[Thicke2013]

Hey all, this is my first time posting in a while but i read often.

 

So this past weekend my wife went on an annual girls only trip to Nashville for a couple of long time friends birthdays. They've done this every year for at least 10 years. This year she told me early on that a friend of one of the other girls was going to go as well and she was bringing her boyfriend. My first reaction was I didn't really like it because I thought it was odd that someone would bring their husband/bf on an all girls trip. Then closer to the trip date she said she didn't think this couple was going because none of the others had mentioned it for a while.

 

Fast forward to the week before and she told me that the couple was not going because they had already booked the room and nothing was said. I asked why she couldn't just ask her friend who was going to make sure and she said because she didn't want to make me seem insecure. I told her I wasn't being insecure, I just wanted to know for sure who my wife was travelling with and staying with. So they left Friday for the trip and she drove 2 of the girls down. Saturday evening I get a text that said the couple ended up driving down (several hour drive) and were meeting them for dinner and were going to hang out the rest of the night. I replied that I knew they would be coming and I wish she would have asked like I wanted. She told me to stop making it a big deal that it was a couple and not a single guy.

 

Now, a couple of points for clarification. I've only met this guy once but he has ran in the same circle as her friends for years and just recently started dating the girl he is with now. As far as I know the couple stayed in their own room and not with the other girls. I tried telling my wife that I felt a little disrespected and that the others knew they were coming and had she asked I would've known ahead of time and it wouldn't have been a big deal. I feel like the only reason she told me was because she knew there would be pictures popping up on social media. Would this be a big deal for most married men or am I overreacting and need to let this go? Thanks in advance.

[salparadise]

Would this be a big deal for most married men or am I overreacting and need to let this go? Thanks in advance.

 

It's probably nothing because the guy will be chaperoned by the girlfriend. It's a little odd that he'd be tagging along on an all-girls outing, but assuming they aren't into swinging or swapping or something wild, it's almost certainly a non-issue. And it's a no-win for you to keep going on about it.

[Poutrew]

Well, I can already tell you how the question you asked will be answered. The females will tell you to stop busting your wife's chops over a non - issue. You can't control your wife and if she wanted to cheat, she would do it in the laundry room of your own house while you and the kids were eating lunch... The guys will mostly (with an occasional exception) have the opposite reaction.

 

As a guy, I agree with you. It is disrespect. But, your wife knew well ahead of time that this guy was going. She purposefully left you out of the loop because she didn't want a confrontation... so she 'managed' you the way so many women control their men - by outright lying by telling you she didn't think they were coming, or by just trying to ignore the situation by not bothering to 'ask' if they were still coming ( which is a form of misdirection). Of course, she didn't need to ask such a silly question because she well on knew the guy was coming. In the end, she just got annoyed dealing with you which is why she told you to, in essence, put on your big boy panties and stop being such a baby about the situation.

 

You are also correct in thinking that she told you only because there would be evidence on social media that a man had come with them... I would be pissed as well. I wonder how your wife would handle the situation if the shoe were on the other foot - that you told her that a woman was going with you and the guys to some event, and then you told her to stop being such a drama queen about it. After all, it's not like you are going to be taking turns with the guys to f*uck her... yeah, I thought so. Of course, only you know how you are going to deal with it... but yeah, it is a giant turd sandwich your wife is trying to get you to eat.

[central]

It's not a big deal, IMO. The bf of the one woman may go off and do his own thing much of the time, anyway, since this is supposedly a trip for the girls. Even if he's around most of the time, he has a gf, so what do you think is going to happen? Nothing!

[elaine567]

It may have been a bit weird if he was just some random bf, but

... he has ran in the same circle as her friends for years and just recently started dating the girl he is with now

 

He is in with the woodwork, is it that that is really upsetting you?

[Mr. Lucky]

Would this be a big deal for most married men or am I overreacting and need to let this go? Thanks in advance.

 

It wouldn't be a concern for me, but I trust my wife and don't monitor or supervise her activities. Were this my 16-yr old daughter, whole different story.

 

Is there some reason you're on alert?

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

I don't understand what your concern is. I mean, if I was going a girls trip and someone invited a man along, I'd be a bit miffed at them changing the dynamic...but I can't see any potential harm.

[Mrin]

Not a big or even a little deal IMHO.

[vla1120]

I'm female and I'm not going to tell you to stop busting your wife's chops over this. If the shoe were on the other foot and my husband was going on an all guys trip (which he had done many times) and I found out a woman was going to be there, I would have wanted to know. I might even have asked "Why can't the other SOs go on the trip, too?" If he skirted around the issue until he was already there and it was too late, I might have been a bit peeved.

 

But honestly, it sounds like perhaps your wife was just trying to avoid a confrontation with you about the issue. My issue, like I said, would have been more about why ONE SO got to go, but no one else was invited. Then it's not a "girl's trip", is it?

[schlumpy]

If you complacently accept that she's stretched the boundaries of your marriage and manipulated you in doing it, then be prepared to accept more.

[d0nnivain]

It's weird & harmless.

 

I hate it when one woman brings her guy on a girl's trip but some times women do it.

 

My poor husband has gotten stuck being the only guy on some trips because everyone says they are bringing their husbands / BFs, then the other guys back out at the last minute. He has coping strategies: he plays "sommelier" & fills our wine glasses but mostly he goes in another room & surfs the internet.

[mark clemson]

Hmm. If it was some random unattached guy it would be weird. But he is one of the girl's BFs, so presumably there would be nothing to worry about.

 

So, not sure why you feel insecure about this. Or is it only that she hid the fact (that a couple, not just the girl was going) that makes you feel disrespected?

 

At any rate, the truth is that if you wife really wanted to cheat on you with some guy she could simply hang out late at the bar or similar. And you can bet she wouldn't be saying anything about it.

 

So honestly I wouldn't worry about the BF going.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think you're overreacting by a gargantuan amount.

 

I go on a girls trip every year and the only thing that would happen if one of the girls tried to be a boyfriend is that we'd so NO because it's a girls trip. I can't see anyone's husband getting jealous and insecure about it, though. I think your reactions is controlling and strange.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't understand what your concern is. I mean, if I was going a girls trip and someone invited a man along, I'd be a bit miffed at them changing the dynamic...but I can't see any potential harm.

 

Same! The only exception would be the gay brother of 3 of the girls in my girls trip group.

[todreaminblue]

your spidey sense is going off for a reason ...whether or not its right or wrong innocent or clandestine..its how you fee. no oen can deny you that right to feel how you are....

 

.you arent comfortable with the situation at hand....which is what counts....for you and your wife.....its obviously not an all girls trip anymore......its changed.....your feelings therefore have changed about the non all girls trip...your wife i feel needs to understand and accept how you feel ....no one else counts ....not anyone on here not anyone on the trip but you and your wife need to talk it out...because others might not fee its a big deal ...but to you.it is..the boundaries are not defined in your marriage they arent open and need to be discussed..

 

discuss your feelings with your wife let her know exactly how you feel ....and go from there.....best wishes.....deb

[BaileyB]

I don’t see any reason why you should be upset about the situation.

 

If I was planning a trip with my girlfriends and one of them decided to bring her boyfriend along, I’d be none too pleased. Nothing personal toward the man, but it totally changes the dynamic of the trip and they can well find their own time to travel.

 

And for the life of me, I have no idea why he would ever want to go along... There is now way that my boyfriend would ever want to come along on a girls trip. Nor does he want to travel with my family...

[major_merrick]

A girls' trip should be for girls only. I wonder how the rest of the women feel about one bringing her bf along? It makes the dynamic awkward. That said, as for there being an actual threat to your marriage, this isn't it. But it is something that pushes the boundaries, and the judgement of your wife's group of friends doesn't seem to be the best. If one SO gets to go, the rest should be able to go too. And then it isn't a girls' trip anymore, it is a couples' trip. Definitely don't be quiet about this one, but don't make a huge deal of it either. Assert your right to speak up about your perspective.

[healing light]

I find this weird and controlling. Your wife is walking on eggshells for you trying to be transparent about who will be there and she is not this man's keeper. He's taken. She's with a bunch of mutual friends. There's no reason to act like she's a cheater who can't be trusted.

[S2B]

I find your wife’s approach sneaky and manipulative.

 

I wouldn’t be upset that the other couple went but I would be upset that your wife is passive aggressive and a blatant liar.

 

She knew she wasn’t being honest with you.

 

Is this her normal habit disrespecting you this way?

[beldar]

I hope they all enjoyed the clothing-optional sauna.

[elaine567]

I find this weird and controlling. Your wife is walking on eggshells for you trying to be transparent about who will be there and she is not this man's keeper. He's taken. She's with a bunch of mutual friends. There's no reason to act like she's a cheater who can't be trusted.

Exactly.

This guy is not some single man wading in here.

He is attached, his gf is on the trip.

He is already a friend to all and has been for years.

He is no "danger" to anyone's marriage.

 

OP

Do you feel that in light of this, you were then entitled to go on the trip and are peeved your wife didn't ask you?

[NomiMalone]

To me this guy’s presence on the trip would be inappropriate if:

 

1)He is an ex of your wife’s.

2)You already have suspicions about whether anything inappropriate is going on between him and your wife.

 

Is there any info you’ve not told us? If not, you are being too paranoid and controlling OP, which is unattractive. You should plan something fun to do for yourself while your wife is away!

[Thicke2013]

So, not sure why you feel insecure about this. Or is it only that she hid the fact (that a couple, not just the girl was going) that makes you feel disrespected?

 

Thanks everyone for the replies! I was trying to get multiple viewpoints on this and man did I ever! LOL

 

So for starters, some called me controlling and suggested I was way out of line and angry which isn't true at all and maybe I didn't explain myself well. This incident didn't result in a blow up argument between my wife and I, just a discussion where we didn't 100% agree on all points which is why I posted here, just to gain some outside perspective.

 

My wife is not a cheater and nor do I think she is. I am also not controlling and she is not walking on egg shells. She takes a couple of weekend girls trips a year and they do several date nights that are not an issue. I quoted the above because I think that it gets to the root of it for me. I had asked multiple times for her to find out if they were going or not. I don't think there is anything controlling or disrespectful about letting your SO know who you are going to be travelling with. For me I guess I feel that by not asking the direct question and not getting the direct answer, I feel somehow misled or that my feelings weren't important enough to her to ask the question. Then she text me at 7:30pm and let's me know they are there and have been since 5:00.

 

As others have said, part of the issue for me is, a girls trip should be a girls trip and a guys trip should be a guy trip. I do know without a doubt that had I been on a trip with the guys and one of them brought a girl they had just started dating and my wife didn't know them that she would be extremely upset. I travel often for work and she always asks who is going and who I am meeting, etc. I have no problem sharing this with her because I believe that transparency is essential in a marriage.

 

We discussed this last night and at the end of the day it's just 2 people seeing something a little differently.

[elaine567]

Not sure why the integrity of the all guys or all girls trip is seen as so important Surely (depending on the guys or the girls involved), "mischief" is more likely than on a mixed sex trip, no?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I find your wife’s approach sneaky and manipulative.

 

I wouldn’t be upset that the other couple went but I would be upset that your wife is passive aggressive and a blatant liar.

 

She knew she wasn’t being honest with you.

 

Is this her normal habit disrespecting you this way?

 

I'd guess it's her normal way of interacting with him because he's controlling and insecure so she has to. Walking on eggshells as someone else put it.