usa1ah Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s not his wife who is sleeping in the same room as this other couple. So, if these other people decide to share a room together to save money - how exactly does that cross their relationship boundaries? What they do should be none of her business, assuming that she is safely tucked into her own bed in another room. No? Wow, you did go into left field with this. It has nothing to do with the thread. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 I do think it's true and only fair to point out that if he were that insecure/controlling, he's have an issue with her going on these trips without him at all. That said, perhaps the presence of this BF had triggered a certain amount of insecurity/trust issues. But that's understandable in a xBS. She probably could have handled this a bit better by being a bit more open instead of "not dealing with it" until on the trip was under way. That said, rationally the likelihood of anything actually happening with this attached BF along approaches zero, so hopefully it can be water under the bridge. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 i dont feel you are controlling at all....you have your issues and were willing to discuss them with your wife ...controlling would be not letting your wife go on trips with the girls at all which is not what you do and have done.....the dynamics of th eall girls trip has changed.....your feelings have changed towards the trip...and you discussed them may i add discussed and not argued about your feelings....you want transparency in your marriage and i feel transparency is the only way to have respect and trust.....transparency does not equal weird and controlling....good luck op.....and i hope you have a long happy and lasting marriage...deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thicke2013 Posted November 15, 2019 Author Share Posted November 15, 2019 I don't understand. While I wouldn't particularly want to share with them either if I was your wife, why would you object? Other than too much snoring, what are you imagining would happen? My beliefs are that it is inappropriate for a married woman to share a room with another man period. Well, there was a friend’s wedding where we rented a suite - one couple slept in the bedroom, I on a pull out sofa, and another male friend on a cot. There was also a trip where I slept with my best friends (they are married) and their new baby - we shared a hotel room because it was cheaper. If it’s not acceptable to you, that’s one thing. But, I wouldn’t be so quick to place your own beliefs on other people and make assumptions. Depending on the people involved, it may or may not be totally fine. How am I placing my beliefs on others? We are talking about my marriage where my wife and I have made a vow to one another to never put ourselves in a position alone with a member of the opposite sex. This is about boundaries that we have set, I couldn't care less what type of boundaries this other couple has. His wife is involved. They have agreed that this is not for them. How could it be totally fine if it's fine for the other people and his marriages boundaries get crossed? You make no sense. I get it, it would be fine for you and you think he's being ridiculous. So what? It isn't what they agreed upon and it makes him uncomfortable. It'd make a lot of people uncomfortable. Thank you. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s not his wife who is sleeping in the same room as this other couple. So, if these other people decide to share a room together to save money - how exactly does that cross their relationship boundaries? What they do should be none of her business, assuming that she is safely tucked into her own bed in another room. No? You are wrong. This was (5) girls that were going to be sharing 1 room and when the BF decided to tag along it was discussed that he might stay in the same hotel room as the group. I'm also wondering what the fear is.....do you feel like this one man is going to have sex with all of the women? I'm not sure why you continue to ignore my responses about boundaries that BOTH my wife and I have set for OUR marriage. No I don't think that this guy is there to have sex with all of the women but I also know that on girls trips where all stay in one room they have to get dressed/undressed, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted November 21, 2019 Share Posted November 21, 2019 OP, I'm a little fuzzy on the detail... did this trip actually happen and did the boyfriend tag along? Did he stay in the same room? If not, then I'd probably drop it... you will not win this one. The female posters here mirror your wife's attitude toward your feelings, which, as I thought, is for there to be no problem - and it's all theoretical anyway. On the other hand, if this trip did happen and the boyfriend did tag along in the same room, then you have bigger problems. Do you really think your wife will tell you that when she got out of the shower, the boyfriend was on the toilet and saw her nude? No Way In Hell. You can try to find out the goings ons by prowling the other gals social media, as someone will mention how your wife reacted when she got out of the shower naked only to find BF pooping and staring... then you can have another 'conversation' with wife… or you can mention that your single pal Tony is going to be bringing his gal pal Suzy Floozy along with him when you all go on your next 5 day deer hunting expedition in the boonies... Will your reaction risk your marriage? No more than her deciding to do what she did without consulting you ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 21, 2019 Share Posted November 21, 2019 No I don't think that this guy is there to have sex with all of the women but I also know that on girls trips where all stay in one room they have to get dressed/undressed, etc. I've been on many, many girls trips and have never changed my clothes in front of my roommates. We give each other privacy. Say, in the bathroom. I thought this guy wasn't even going to be staying in the same room as your wife? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 21, 2019 Share Posted November 21, 2019 I've been on many, many girls trips and have never changed my clothes in front of my roommates. We give each other privacy. Say, in the bathroom. I thought this guy wasn't even going to be staying in the same room as your wife? We would change sometimes in front of the other women. But seriously, five women sharing a room? And, one of them wants to bring her boyfriend to crash in the same room? If I was one of those women on this trip, I would be saying heck no! I would not want to share six to a room. Why can none of them afford another room? I can’t believe that none of the women have spoken up about the inconsiderate behaviour of this woman (and her boyfriend). I would be very unhappy... Link to post Share on other sites
Inspire Posted November 22, 2019 Share Posted November 22, 2019 I would only have felt completely uneasy about it IF she was an ex of his, he was single and most definitely if they were somehow sharing a room. Fortunately, none of that happened here. The OP has a right to feel slighted, he asked for transparency and she gave him smoke and mirrors. Thankfully she seems to be on the same page with him and I don't think this will be an issue in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thicke2013 Posted November 22, 2019 Author Share Posted November 22, 2019 OP, I'm a little fuzzy on the detail... did this trip actually happen and did the boyfriend tag along? Did he stay in the same room? If not, then I'd probably drop it... you will not win this one. The female posters here mirror your wife's attitude toward your feelings, which, as I thought, is for there to be no problem - and it's all theoretical anyway. On the other hand, if this trip did happen and the boyfriend did tag along in the same room, then you have bigger problems. Do you really think your wife will tell you that when she got out of the shower, the boyfriend was on the toilet and saw her nude? No Way In Hell. You can try to find out the goings ons by prowling the other gals social media, as someone will mention how your wife reacted when she got out of the shower naked only to find BF pooping and staring... then you can have another 'conversation' with wife… or you can mention that your single pal Tony is going to be bringing his gal pal Suzy Floozy along with him when you all go on your next 5 day deer hunting expedition in the boonies... Will your reaction risk your marriage? No more than her deciding to do what she did without consulting you ... This trip did happen and the BF did go however he and his GF ended up getting their own room. My wife and I have discussed why it upset me and we are good. No issue now. I've been on many, many girls trips and have never changed my clothes in front of my roommates. We give each other privacy. Say, in the bathroom. I thought this guy wasn't even going to be staying in the same room as your wife? At least 4 women sharing a single room with a single bathroom, if they all waited for the bathroom to come available to change it would take half a day for them all to get ready to go out. They regularly change in front of one another and its a non issue, thus one of the issues for me if BF did want to stay in the same room. Thankfully that did not happen. We would change sometimes in front of the other women. But seriously, five women sharing a room? And, one of them wants to bring her boyfriend to crash in the same room? If I was one of those women on this trip, I would be saying heck no! I would not want to share six to a room. Why can none of them afford another room? I can’t believe that none of the women have spoken up about the inconsiderate behaviour of this woman (and her boyfriend). I would be very unhappy... I believe this is what eventually happened. The 4 includes my wife and her sister and 2 of their lifelong friends. My wife and her sister split the cost of the room as part of the bday gift to the other 2 which have birthdays a couple days apart. The friend of one of the other girls expressed interest in going and I think that wouldn't have been a big deal for the others as she would've slept on the pullout. When the BF became involved somehow it made things a little more awkward for all and even more crowded. I would only have felt completely uneasy about it IF she was an ex of his, he was single and most definitely if they were somehow sharing a room. Fortunately, none of that happened here. The OP has a right to feel slighted, he asked for transparency and she gave him smoke and mirrors. Thankfully she seems to be on the same page with him and I don't think this will be an issue in the future. All is well now. We are on the same page. Thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted November 22, 2019 Share Posted November 22, 2019 At least 4 women sharing a single room with a single bathroom, if they all waited for the bathroom to come available to change it would take half a day for them all to get ready to go out. Amen to that. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 22, 2019 Share Posted November 22, 2019 At least 4 women sharing a single room with a single bathroom, if they all waited for the bathroom to come available to change it would take half a day for them all to get ready to go out. They regularly change in front of one another and its a non issue, thus one of the issues for me if BF did want to stay in the same room. Thankfully that did not happen. According to your first post, this wasn't actually an issue on the table. Why were you so afraid of this? One time on a girls trip my friends (we are a group of 10, but I think only 8 were on that trip) wanted to share ONE hotel room, bring air mattresses, etc. I pitched a fit about that because of only having one bathroom to get ready in! It doesn't take "half a day" for four women and one bathroom, but it takes a while.....you're right! Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 22, 2019 Share Posted November 22, 2019 OP, what if there was a lesbian in the group? What if you suspected that lesbian was in love with your wife or another woman in the group? (This is a thing in my group) Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 CO why are you still going after the OP? Is it really so wrong to not have the same morals as yourself? Why are you introducing things that are not involved with the situation? OP and his wife have worked it out. Things are great between them. No one on here thinks the same. Everyone has the right to how they feel about their situation. Offering someone a different point of view is one thing. Continuously going after someone because they believe the same as you is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 CO why are you still going after the OP? I'm not going after him. I'm honestly curious what he (or anyone else) thinks about a lesbian in the group being in love with another (heterosexual) woman in the group (who is very well aware of the infatuation). Mainly because when I posted about how we don't change in front of each other I had forgotten about this dynamic going on in my girls group, which included the lesbian taking VERY risque photos of the woman she's in love with and another woman in the group so they could send them to their husbands back home. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 Some men do not see lesbians as being of the same threat, but they are just being stupid... Of course they can be a huge threat to a marriage, but to some, because they do not have a penis, they don't count... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 That is not the situation here. My wife and I have had one of her gf’s stay with us in a hotel when we came home for Christmas one year. Her husband was deployed at the time and was ok with her going home with us. So this is not a hang up on what you are saying. This is not the situation with op. Him and his wife have a set of boundaries that work for them. They have both been cheated on and have great communication with one another. Link to post Share on other sites
john9999 Posted November 30, 2019 Share Posted November 30, 2019 Ask your wife if you were going on all guys trip and one of the guys was bringing his girlfriend along how would she feel! I promise you she would not be cool with it! And you hid it till the weekend of event. Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted November 30, 2019 Share Posted November 30, 2019 I'd have a problem with it like you, mainly because the whole truth is not being stated and you know it. as posted above , imagine if the guys went on a trip and a girl we knew for years that some of us possibly dated ended up going with us. I don't believe any of the ladies in this post would be happy about it...do you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thicke2013 Posted December 2, 2019 Author Share Posted December 2, 2019 According to your first post, this wasn't actually an issue on the table. Why were you so afraid of this? One time on a girls trip my friends (we are a group of 10, but I think only 8 were on that trip) wanted to share ONE hotel room, bring air mattresses, etc. I pitched a fit about that because of only having one bathroom to get ready in! It doesn't take "half a day" for four women and one bathroom, but it takes a while.....you're right! It may not have been stated but this was definitely one of my issues. OP, what if there was a lesbian in the group? What if you suspected that lesbian was in love with your wife or another woman in the group? (This is a thing in my group) I've never thought about it as it is not an issue with the group she was traveling with. I would definitely have an issue with anyone taking her picture naked or otherwise and sharing it with anyone else. Ask your wife if you were going on all guys trip and one of the guys was bringing his girlfriend along how would she feel! I promise you she would not be cool with it! And you hid it till the weekend of event. This was my biggest issue, I knew that she would have a big problem if the roles were reversed. I'd have a problem with it like you, mainly because the whole truth is not being stated and you know it. as posted above , imagine if the guys went on a trip and a girl we knew for years that some of us possibly dated ended up going with us. I don't believe any of the ladies in this post would be happy about it...do you? As stated above this was my biggest issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fishlips Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 I don't think it's a big deal that he came, but why weren't the other husbands invited? Is that what you were mad about? As for your wife, she did nothing wrong. Maybe the woman who brought her bf did it against the wishes of the other women. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 alright... hmm... CHEATING: NOT an issue, but I don' t think you're worried about your wife cheating, etc... b/c this isn't about that. RESPECT: funny thing about respect, everyone has a diff idea of what respect is. Your wife is definitely not respecting your concern and your need to know if a guy is joining an all girls out group; the fact that he's the bf of one of the girls, seems ok on a cheating point of view, but the fact that she didn't want to address your concern when you let her know ahead of time it was a concern, seems kinda uncaring on her side. So perhaps from her point of view, she doesn't think of it as a disrespect, but from your point of view, it really is. Unless you're a total jealous type, and you need to see a therapist if you are, just so you can get a handle on it and not drive your wife crazy... she should take your concerns into consideration. It's a healthy relationship thingie. Then again.. go on a trip with a guy and make sure one of them brings a girl. preferably a hot one. and go have a blast. if she's cool with it, then I think you need to trust her and be cool with it too. btw, that last option was half joke, half serious... unless she's given you reason to doubt her, trust her to be an adult who can make right decisions. IF you feel she can't be trusted, then you two have bigger things to discuss than a simple trip with the girls and some guy who's gf knows she shouldn't be inviting a guy to an all girls trip. good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 Thicke2013, based on your posts and situation I don't see you as controlling or insecure at all To me, this issue is about transparency, not sex or cheating. I do believe transparency in any relationship, marriage or not, is important for the health of it. That does not mean you should tell any friend you're in a R with everything about your life. It does mean, to me, that one should respect certain boundaries that have been established verbally or by history. IMO, you're being a great husband by keeping the lines of communication open and transparent. Link to post Share on other sites
Timmyt55 Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 I fell your wife knew about this long before she told you about it. I don’t understand why she would hide it I don’t see it as a big deal unless he really is a single guy and not dating her friend. I dont however understand this vacationing alone your married why would you vacation separately? This I would have a problem with Link to post Share on other sites
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