Girls trip + 1 guy - Weird or Harmless?

[Thicke2013]

I'd guess it's her normal way of interacting with him because he's controlling and insecure so she has to. Walking on eggshells as someone else put it.

 

You are very presumptive about my marriage from one post it seems. This is not her normal way of interacting with me, thus the feeling of disrespect.

[Thicke2013]

Not sure why the integrity of the all guys or all girls trip is seen as so important Surely (depending on the guys or the girls involved), "mischief" is more likely than on a mixed sex trip, no?

 

Agreed, for me it was more about the lack of transparency that I am used to from her. This was out of the norm for our relationship.

 

I'm trying to figure out why your wife didn't want to tell you? Why do you think your wife wasn't transparent about this?

 

This is what I am trying to get to the bottom of as well. After our discussions last night she said she just didn't see it as a big deal but she did want to tell me which is why she text after they arrived.

[PRW]

Would this be a big deal for most married men or am I overreacting and need to let this go?

You are over reacting.

The guy isn't going because your wife is there,...he is going because "his chick" is going, and he is probably insecure about letting her go alone without him because he thinks she will screw around on him.

 

So both guys in this story seem insecure. Your wife told you she didn't want to say anything to them so as to not make you look insecure,...and she is right you are insecure. Every insecure husband/BF claims "I felt disrespected" to have an excuse for acting insecure,...but it is still insecure.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You are over reacting.

The guy isn't going because your wife is there,...he is going because "his chick" is going, and he is probably insecure about letting her go alone without him because he thinks she will screw around on him.

 

So both guys in this story seem insecure. Your wife told you she didn't want to say anything to them so as to not make you look insecure,...and she is right you are insecure. Every insecure husband/BF claims "I felt disrespected" to have an excuse for acting insecure,...but it is still insecure.

 

Spot on. All of it.

[Thicke2013]

You are over reacting.

The guy isn't going because your wife is there,...he is going because "his chick" is going, and he is probably insecure about letting her go alone without him because he thinks she will screw around on him.

 

So both guys in this story seem insecure. Your wife told you she didn't want to say anything to them so as to not make you look insecure,...and she is right you are insecure. Every insecure husband/BF claims "I felt disrespected" to have an excuse for acting insecure,...but it is still insecure.

 

I was not insecure about the guy going I simply wanted to know what they dynamics of the trip were. This is a boundary we both have set for our marriage as we both travel for work ( I more than she). I have no idea if this guy was insecure or not, I've only met him once and that is not my concern anyway. My issue was her not telling me until after the fact which as I've stated is outside the norm for our relationship. We are very open and transparent with one another about everything. The fact that this detail was ignored or left out until late made me question motive.

[Thicke2013]

What was the outcome of your talk with your wife?

 

She apologized for how it appeared and said that when she talked to the girls (there were 4) about rooms and who was driving down she took that to mean that the couple wasn't going since they weren't mentioned and thought no more of it. As soon as she found out that they were actually there and going to meet them for dinner she was hesitant to tell me due to how it looked after the fact, she didn't want me to think she was hiding it from me which is ultimately why she text me a couple hours later. I trust her and I believe her. As a previous poster stated, she was more miffed at the other girls (one especially who was friends with the girl of the couple) for allowing it and thus changing the dynamic of the getaway.

 

We've both been cheated on in the past and we are very open in our communications and that is the only reason that this took on a slightly different meaning for me simply because of the appearance of it. Our talk ended well thank you.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I was not insecure about the guy going I simply wanted to know what they dynamics of the trip were.

 

What do you mean by this? What could some possible answers to this question be? I don't understand.

[healing light]

You are over reacting.

The guy isn't going because your wife is there,...he is going because "his chick" is going, and he is probably insecure about letting her go alone without him because he thinks she will screw around on him.

 

So both guys in this story seem insecure. Your wife told you she didn't want to say anything to them so as to not make you look insecure,...and she is right you are insecure. Every insecure husband/BF claims "I felt disrespected" to have an excuse for acting insecure,...but it is still insecure.

 

This made me laugh because I had the exact same thought about the other guy being insecure and not wanting his girl to go on this trip alone.

 

Your wife was transparent with you, I don't know why some think there was anything manipulative at all:

 

-She let you know there was a strong possibility this guy was going to be there

 

-You pestered her about it by asking several more times because this was not enough for you, you needed to know 100% (why, if you trust your wife?)

 

-Trying to avoid embarrassment and drawing attention to an underlying insecurity (her words, not mine with the latter), she assumed maybe he wouldn't because of the bookings of the rooms and tried putting your mind at ease with that.

 

-She probably didn't want to look like this man's keeper by asking directly again since it truly is not a big deal--this guy has ran in their circles and is taken, why would it matter?

 

-Then she had to tell you when he ended up being there because she knew it would now look bad like she was hiding something when she was being transparent the whole time (why? what crime has she committed?).

 

-She delayed in telling you for a few hours because she knew it would upset you, and clearly it did, because you came here to post about it. Hence, she's walking on eggshells.

 

 

What should have a been a simple, fun trip with a, "oh hey honey, this guy might come along" turned into lots of deliberation and hours of concern or stressing for both of you wondering how she could tell you in a way that wouldn't come back to bite her in the butt. It sounds exhausting.

 

Your wife is transparent. She deserves your trust. She couldn't tell you 100% because she didn't know 100%. But if you trust her 100%, her not knowing 100% should have been irrelevant.

[BaileyB]

Honestly, your wife didn’t know, when she learned the situation she was honest about it - you told her how you felt, she apologized, you accepted her apology. This is over.

 

Time to move on. If this is not typical of your relationship, let it go... I hope she enjoys her trip.

Edited November 12, 2019 by BaileyB

[PRW]

My issue was her not telling me until after the fact which as I've stated is outside the norm for our relationship.

Every time I have run across situations like this it happens because the woman already has enough experience dealing with her man on this subject that she "knows how he gets" and doesn't want to deal with it. Which goes back to the insecurity thing. The bottom line is if you trusted your wife none of this conversation would even occurring. Nor would she be breaking any "rules" between you because there would not even be a rule to break in the first place.

[PRW]

This made me laugh because I had the exact same thought about the other guy being insecure and not wanting his girl to go on this trip alone.

Yea, so one insecure non-trusting guy is going to the All Girls trip,...and the other wishes he was, or wishes she wasn't.

 

 

Maybe the couple with the insecure guy that's going,...will break up over his insecurity before the trip even happens. That kind of behavor from a guy is probably the #2 reason women get fed up with the guys and dump them.

Edited November 13, 2019 by PRW

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Thicke,

 

What I've got from this post is that you and your wife have a good form of communication. You decided to voice your concerns to your wife and she understood and offer an explanation which you accepted. The posters here had shown a lack of understanding of the situation but fortunately, you and your wife have a bond in which you can discuss any and all concerns.

 

The best to you and the future of your marriage.

Dreamer

[Thicke2013]

What do you mean by this? What could some possible answers to this question be? I don't understand.

 

Sleeping arrangements for one. One of the ladies who was single had originally mentioned that the couple was short on cash and could sleep in the same room as the other women if they wanted. There's no way that I would be okay with that and neither would my wife but I wanted to make sure that others didn't think it would be okay either. You also seem to be convinced that I'm insecure and maybe you see it that way. I have said before that my wife and I were both cheated on in our previous marriages so maybe we see and do things a little differently than you do. We agreed when we first started dating that we would be 100% transparent with one another so when she decided not to ask directly if this guy was going I saw it as passive and then we he did end up showing up and she took a while to tell me I saw it as possibly her hiding something or being deceitful. Mostly because this was outside the norm for us. We have since discussed and all is well.

 

Dear Thicke,

 

What I've got from this post is that you and your wife have a good form of communication. You decided to voice your concerns to your wife and she understood and offer an explanation which you accepted. The posters here had shown a lack of understanding of the situation but fortunately, you and your wife have a bond in which you can discuss any and all concerns.

 

The best to you and the future of your marriage.

Dreamer

 

Thank you for your thoughts and input. I posted here to get different types of responses because of my past hurts I can sometimes get into my own head and make situations worse than they really are. I didn't argue with my wife regarding this we just discussed it and I posted here to gain some clarity which I have. Thank you for your kind words and the best to you as well.

[d0nnivain]

You are absolutely correct about the sleeping arrangements. If the woman has no money & wants to share a room, it's girls only. If she wants her BF along the 2 of them need to pay for their own room. That is not negotiable.

[mark clemson]

Is it tho?

 

 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You also seem to be convinced that I'm insecure and maybe you see it that way. I have said before that my wife and I were both cheated on in our previous marriages so maybe we see and do things a little differently than you do.

 

I know what it feels like to be cheated on in a marriage. Quite well.

[basil67]

Sleeping arrangements for one. One of the ladies who was single had originally mentioned that the couple was short on cash and could sleep in the same room as the other women if they wanted. There's no way that I would be okay with that

 

I don't understand. While I wouldn't particularly want to share with them either if I was your wife, why would you object? Other than too much snoring, what are you imagining would happen?

[BaileyB]

Sleeping arrangements for one. One of the ladies who was single had originally mentioned that the couple was short on cash and could sleep in the same room as the other women if they wanted. There's no way that I would be okay with that and neither would my wife but I wanted to make sure that others didn't think it would be okay either.

 

Well, there was a friend’s wedding where we rented a suite - one couple slept in the bedroom, I on a pull out sofa, and another male friend on a cot.

 

There was also a trip where I slept with my best friends (they are married) and their new baby - we shared a hotel room because it was cheaper.

 

If it’s not acceptable to you, that’s one thing. But, I wouldn’t be so quick to place your own beliefs on other people and make assumptions. Depending on the people involved, it may or may not be totally fine.

[IslandSanctuary]

Well, there was a friend’s wedding where we rented a suite - one couple slept in the bedroom, I on a pull out sofa, and another male friend on a cot.

 

There was also a trip where I slept with my best friends (they are married) and their new baby - we shared a hotel room because it was cheaper.

 

If it’s not acceptable to you, that’s one thing. But, I wouldn’t be so quick to place your own beliefs on other people and make assumptions. Depending on the people involved, it may or may not be totally fine.

 

His wife is involved. They have agreed that this is not for them. How could it be totally fine if it's fine for the other people and his marriages boundaries get crossed?

You make no sense. I get it, it would be fine for you and you think he's being ridiculous. So what? It isn't what they agreed upon and it makes him uncomfortable. It'd make a lot of people uncomfortable.

[BaileyB]

His wife is involved. They have agreed that this is not for them. How could it be totally fine if it's fine for the other people and his marriages boundaries get crossed?

 

Correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s not his wife who is sleeping in the same room as this other couple. So, if these other people decide to share a room together to save money - how exactly does that cross their relationship boundaries? What they do should be none of her business, assuming that she is safely tucked into her own bed in another room. No?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm also wondering what the fear is.....do you feel like this one man is going to have sex with all of the women?

[usa1ah]

The responses about op being insecure and controlling are bs.

 

His wife had done these trips for years.

 

She hangs out with her friends often with out him.

 

She mislead him this time is the problem.

 

His wife asks the same questions when he goes out or out of town.

 

Why did OP’s wife have to lie about lie about it to begin with?

[usa1ah]

Well, there was a friend’s wedding where we rented a suite - one couple slept in the bedroom, I on a pull out sofa, and another male friend on a cot.

 

There was also a trip where I slept with my best friends (they are married) and their new baby - we shared a hotel room because it was cheaper.

 

If it’s not acceptable to you, that’s one thing. But, I wouldn’t be so quick to place your own beliefs on other people and make assumptions. Depending on the people involved, it may or may not be totally fine.

 

Just like you are with this post.

 

It isn’t ok with the op and that is who started the post.

[usa1ah]

Correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s not his wife who is sleeping in the same room as this other couple. So, if these other people decide to share a room together to save money - how exactly does that cross their relationship boundaries? What they do should be none of her business, assuming that she is safely tucked into her own bed in another room. No?

 

Wow, you did go into left field with this. It has nothing to do with the thread.

[mark clemson]

I do think it's true and only fair to point out that if he were that insecure/controlling, he's have an issue with her going on these trips without him at all.

 

That said, perhaps the presence of this BF had triggered a certain amount of insecurity/trust issues. But that's understandable in a xBS. She probably could have handled this a bit better by being a bit more open instead of "not dealing with it" until on the trip was under way.

 

That said, rationally the likelihood of anything actually happening with this attached BF along approaches zero, so hopefully it can be water under the bridge.