Don't know how to move forward

[mancesterram]

My wife and I have been struggling in our relationship for the past 18 months. We weren't having sex anymore and while we were still good friends the physical side of our relationship was basically gone.

 

A lot of the blame on this falls on me as throughout our relationship I was bad at instigating sex.

It got to the point where she stopped trying and I was waiting for her to try and then things just fizzled out.

 

We went to see a counsellor to see if they could help us recaptured the spark but despite a desire to adopt his methods from myself my wife couldn't bring herself to try saying that too much damage had been done.

 

We found ourselves at an impasse, just getting on with life but every three months or so the question of what were we going to do reared it's head but we never resolved it.

 

Essentially we'd argue, not really get anywhere and get back to ignoring things again.

Recently however things came to a head when I discovered my wife had been seeing someone else for the past 10 months. Nothing serious, just casual sex every once in a while.

 

Initially I was hurt however in many ways blamed myself, I'd driven her to this by not addressing our issues, and crucially mine, a lot earlier.

 

I went to see someone and learnt a lot about myself, why I'm like I am, why our relationship is like it is. I thought if I could make sense of how we got here I could find a way back.

 

I laid this all out for my wife, assured her I wanted to change, to be better and to give her the things I'd denied her.

 

She explained to me that she'd changed for me and it hadn't made her happy so she didn't want me doing the same for her as it wouldn't make me happy. I don't believe this to be true personally, I'm not happy with how I am and I know bringing these behaviours into my life would make me much happier, either in a relationship with her, or someone else.

 

Two weeks after learning about the affair I learnt something else. A couple of days after it all came out my wife found out she was pregnant. At the other man's insistence, he too is in a relationship and was too found out, she had a termination, and made her go through that alone.

 

Obviously this has increased the guilt I feel as my wife is now incredibly distressed, almost broken, as she tries to come to terms with what happened.

 

Last week we decided we needed to essentially say our relationship is over, this one any way, and we need to look towards building a new one, not necessarily as Man and Wife.

 

We are now splitting our time between our home and a flat and trying to keep things as normal as possible for our kids, the are 6 and 4 and so far seemingly unaffected.

 

What we both don't want is too break up our family, but equally we are both incredibly lonely at the moment. I've made my position clear, I want to try again and build a better stronger relationship and we've booked to see a counsellor in the hope they can offer some guidance on the way forward.

 

I still love my wife and don't want to let her go, despite everything, but I'm worried she's already gone and I'm kidding myself thinking we can get back on track. Also I'm trying to give her time to process the termination but I'm worried that's just taking her even further away from me.

 

A lot has happened and there's a lot to overcome, I guess I'd just like to know if anyone has been through similar and if so is there a way back?

[Mr. Lucky]

Two weeks after learning about the affair I learnt something else. A couple of days after it all came out my wife found out she was pregnant. At the other man's insistence, he too is in a relationship and was too found out, she had a termination, and made her go through that alone.

 

Have to be honest with you my friend, I definitely would have led with this, as infidelity creates a dynamic affecting everything in a relationship.

 

What have you done as a couple to deal with her affair and pregnancy?

 

Mr. Lucky

[mancesterram]

Have to be honest with you my friend, I definitely would have led with this, as infidelity creates a dynamic affecting everything in a relationship.

 

What have you done as a couple to deal with her affair and pregnancy?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Nothing yet, we’ve not been able to, she’s asked for space while she tries to come to terms with the termination and that’s something I’ve given her. She’s not in a good place at all so I don’t really want to push it. That’s what she’s finding hardest at the moment. Until she’s come to terms with that I’m trying to be patient and wait to address what’s happened and what that means for us.

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m trying to be patient and wait to address what’s happened and what that means for us.

 

You seem to be missing the normal anger, sense of betrayal and disconnect most spouses feel when their partner cheats on them, with the resulting pregnancy an extra helping of pain. Is there a reason you're focused on her feelings and not on coming to terms with your own? There's a school of thought that would label her problems as self-inflicted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Why would you stop instigating sex and then hope your wife instigated it? That makes absolutely no sense. What kind of game is that? She lost interest because you lost interest.

[DKT3]

Hmm, I would bet your wifes affair is more like two years old and she is much deeper than you believe.

 

At the end of the day she is responsible for her actions. We men tend to do this, blame our wives infidelity on ourselves. Reason being, by doing so, in our minds we can control thier fidelity moving forward with improved behavior. That isnt how it works.

 

Being honest, your wife sounds horrible, now if your anything like me, just reading this will make you upset, but again if you're like me it will also start to force you to see her behavior as separate from what you think you did to cause it.

 

You will have a couple of posters who will aid you in believing her cheating is your fault, it's not, and taking the blame wont make her faithful moving forward should you decide to do so...of course she will want to continue in the marriage once she realizes the other guy doesn't want her legitimately.

[mancesterram]

Why would you stop instigating sex and then hope your wife instigated it? That makes absolutely no sense. What kind of game is that? She lost interest because you lost interest.

 

Not a game I assure.

I've been seeing a therapist to help we get to the bottom of this and there are two reasons essentially.

Firstly early in our relationship we had embarrassing sexual experience for me anyway, I essentially couldn't do what one is supposed to do so to speak. That effected me a lot more than I initially thought and gave me anxiety about instigating sex, essentially what if it happened again. By allowing her to always instigate if it did happen again then at least I didn't start it. Selfish I know but not done consciously.

 

The second reason is the dynamic of our relationship, I have had a very easy life thus far, from a stable middle class family, almost too stable as I've discovered, not real trauma in my life, not real drama, until now, I've been very lucky.

My wife on the other hand comes from a broken home, her Mum is very distant and essentially a very bad person, she was beaten by her Step Dad and has never forgiven her Mum for that and doesn't really have any connection with her siblings. She was essentially brought up by her Gran and when she died shortly after we met it hit her very hard.

Coupled with this before we met she was in a near fatal car crash, the other person in the crash has since killed herself after the injuries she sustained meant she couldn't have children.

Since we've been together we've had two children, the first resulted in a 68 hour labour and the second was an extremely difficult pregnancy that could have resulted in the death of our child had she gone into labour early and had to have a natural birth.

This about a year ago she tour her ACL and have to have reconstructive surgery.

So she's been through a lot.

This has led me to take on the role of her protector. My focus isn't on making her happy it's on making her not unhappy. In my mind that became the most important thing, to protect her from more hurt. Again this manifested itself in our sexual relationship. If I can't perform she might question how I feel about her, if I'm attracted to her, that would hurt her and I don't want that so again best to just not do it and let her decide when we do.

 

Again I know selfish but this is all stuff I've learnt recently, just wish I'd got help sooner.

[mancesterram]

You seem to be missing the normal anger, sense of betrayal and disconnect most spouses feel when their partner cheats on them, with the resulting pregnancy an extra helping of pain. Is there a reason you're focused on her feelings and not on coming to terms with your own? There's a school of thought that would label her problems as self-inflicted...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I get what you are saying but I've been speaking to a counsellor about this and they have another take.

Often when affairs happen nothing is particularly wrong at home, people are just a bit **** and can't help themselves, they get tempted, they do something stupid. They might still have a pretty good relationship with their spouse they just want to have their cake and eat it. That's a betrayal that really hurts because the wronged party wasn't aware that something was wrong.

 

I was acutely aware that something was wrong and in many ways it didn't come as a surprise to me. Trust me I've questioned why I'm not more angry a lot and I guess the reason I've come to is what did I expect. I've tried to put myself in her shoes and while I don't think I would have acted the same way I can sort of understand why she did.

 

Yes it hurts but not as much as it would if things had been fine between us at home.

[S2B]

You should be flaming mad at her. She’s ruined your marriage and family by cheating on you, lying and terminating a life!

 

YOU can’t protect her from pain. The suffering she’s got going on is what she caused.

 

Let her be uncomfortable. When people are comfortable they don’t change.

 

Your wife has done you wrong! She’s lucky you’re still speaking to her. Stop being quick to be so understanding.

 

Some things you don’t need to be so nice about - what your wife has done is one of those situations.

 

Work on healthy boundaries with that counselor.

[mark clemson]

Initially I was hurt however in many ways blamed myself, I'd driven her to this by not addressing our issues, and crucially mine, a lot earlier.

 

I ... assured her I wanted to change, to be better and to give her the things I'd denied her.

 

 

So, whatever the issues may have been in your marriage and in her life, there is NO WAY you are to blame. If she has problems with you she can address them and, if absolutely critical, divorce you prior to taking up with the other man.

 

No one deserves to be cheated on as it's not a rational "punishment". Nor does it improve a marriage, although I suppose it can make one of the partners temporarily happier at some level.

 

Perhaps you can and should change in order to fix things in your marriage (if that's possible at this point - I do not know). However, that's NOT going to "fix" the cheating. THAT change needs to come FROM HER. I hope you can see this.

 

I have no idea whether you can "come back from this". I wish I did but it's hard for me to see what makes sense in your situation. I do think it's possible she still has feelings for the other man and so is holding off on reconciliation. She may also, due to her past, be unconsciously recreating a dysfunctional home situation. There are people who, for whatever reasons, turn weird corners in life and wreck a basically good life situation. I'm not sure why this is, but I have seen it happen before and I've read some posts here that appear to be that as well.

 

Wish I had better advice for you, but to be honest I'm not sure what can "fix" your situation other than her changing her mind AND her approach to your entire marriage. Hope and try for the best, sure, but you'd be wise to also prepare for the worst here. Many would tell you to just walk away and, given what she's done, they do have a point.

[Mr. Lucky]

Often when affairs happen nothing is particularly wrong at home, people are just a bit **** and can't help themselves, they get tempted, they do something stupid. They might still have a pretty good relationship with their spouse they just want to have their cake and eat it.

 

Assuming you buy this theory (I don't, by the way), one simple question comes to mind - what stops her from doing the same thing again?

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

You didn’t cause her to cheat. That’s a character defect that only she can address and change!

 

Until then she is prone to cheat.

 

Until she changes you should allow her to u deratand you don’t want any part of her.

[FerDeLance]

It seems that you have given her too much leeway because of her background. But there are so many people with horrible pasts who have overcome and became disciplined, responsible and reliable. The difference is tough love, knowing that actions have consequences and that they can’t hurt people just because they were hurt before. I know many parents today who are paying the price because they were not tough on their kids when it was necessary. If all is lost in this relationship it might help you to avoid conceding in too much.

[FerDeLance]

I meant ... conceding too much on the next one.

[Mrin]

Nope. Just nope. Better to divorce amicably than to stay in this and end up loathing each other.

[JS84]

"Don't know how to move forward"

 

In your particular case? Seeing a lawyer would be a great start.

[spiderowl]

I really wish I could say there is hope for your marriage, but once feelings have changed they rarely change back.

 

What you did was too little, too late. Your wife felt undesired and eventually gave up on a sex life with you. For whatever reason, you didn't feel it was necessary to do anything about this until she had given up.

 

The affair has added a new dimension. In a way, it was inevitable that your wife would leave or have an affair. Not everyone would agree with me though.

 

Separation is a process: it starts with changing feelings which leads to lack of effort on one part or the other, and eventually to breaking the marriage 'rules' in some way, whether it be ignoring a partner's needs, having an affair, or generally not caring much about the partner. Eventually, both people become lonely and seek to have their needs met elsewhere. The question is, how to manage this stage so that you are not plunged into a crisis.

 

As to how to manage it, I don't know (if I'm honest). Physical separation starts to become necessary as each want to lead separate lives. You might consider how to achieve that within minimum heartbreak.

 

I hope I am wrong and the magic returns to your marriage

[preraph]

I think they should both be flaming mad at each other. He's been completely stuck and passive all this time. Fathering her instead of being her husband. Eventually she cheated, but it's been completely dysfunctional forever, it sounds like, and not mainly due to her, so maybe she just needs to monkey-branch on out of the marriage, because it's not working.

[mancesterram]

I really wish I could say there is hope for your marriage, but once feelings have changed they rarely change back.

 

What you did was too little, too late. Your wife felt undesired and eventually gave up on a sex life with you. For whatever reason, you didn't feel it was necessary to do anything about this until she had given up.

 

The affair has added a new dimension. In a way, it was inevitable that your wife would leave or have an affair. Not everyone would agree with me though.

 

Separation is a process: it starts with changing feelings which leads to lack of effort on one part or the other, and eventually to breaking the marriage 'rules' in some way, whether it be ignoring a partner's needs, having an affair, or generally not caring much about the partner. Eventually, both people become lonely and seek to have their needs met elsewhere. The question is, how to manage this stage so that you are not plunged into a crisis.

 

As to how to manage it, I don't know (if I'm honest). Physical separation starts to become necessary as each want to lead separate lives. You might consider how to achieve that within minimum heartbreak.

 

I hope I am wrong and the magic returns to your marriage

 

Thank you, this is probably the best piece of advice I've read since I posted.

 

We've decided to separate for the next two months, splitting our time between our home and a flat we've rented that we can both use.

 

We've booked in to see a couples therapist to see where we go from here.

 

We're saying that our relationship is over and now we need to work out what sort of relationship we can have going forward, one together as husband and wife or one as friends and parents.

 

The logic is we know where we went wrong and we are both individually trying to address and deal with that and how we avoid making those mistake again, then together we're going to work on how to move forward.

[DKT3]

I dont sense much anger. I know you think its because you're not all that shocked, but it could be because you were done with the marriage. Your post dont came across as you being really interested in making the marriage work, more you simply fear what's next.

 

Having experienced divorce, I promise it's not as bad as you are thinking it to be. In many ways when your done it's a huge burden lifted. It can be freeing and exciting.

 

Take these next to Months to explore things you gave up, experience new things meet new people. Dont rush into any new romantic relationship. But really push yourself out of your normal comfort zone.

 

However, be sure and grieve the death of your marriage, dont avoid the pain by turning to alcohol or other risky behaviors.

[S2B]

 

The logic is we know where we went wrong and we are both individually trying to address and deal with that and how we avoid making those mistake again, then together we're going to work on how to move forward.

 

We we we we???

 

What’s with that? SHE cheated! Why are you owning HER cheating?

[DKT3]

I believe he understands his role in a bad marriage accepts it and is ready to move to the next stage in life. That's why he uses we in my opinion. I believe he is much farther along towards divorce then most BHs we see here when they start posting.