Was at a bar and a guy tells me, "I'm not hitting on you." An insult?

[todreaminblue]

Indeed. I do wonder what is happening to society when being friendly is seen as a waste of time.

 

 

its never a waste of time.....not to those who matter....who care...and know what its like to be lonely...some of society believe in making new friends... from a stranger who needs to talk.......to a new friend to cherish and keep.....and in that...there will always be an opposition...part of society who doesnt want that new friend....and who doesnt care.....deb

Edited November 12, 2019 by todreaminblue

[stillafool]

I've never imagined a man being interested unless he makes it obvious otherwise it's just conversation. Making it obvious would be asking for my number, inviting me for coffee or lunch, or just asking me out. Otherwise I would assume he was just friendly. I don't think every man is so hard up that every women he talks to he wants to sex.

[beatcuff]

of course he was hitting on you... by saying those words means it was on his mind (and no crap it was a bar...). funny how women all have this 'notion' of how EVERY man is supposed to act when getting their attention.

 

what he was doing was separating himself from all the others that already hit on you AND it worked, days later and you are still talking about it. he wanted you to respond: 'good because i'm not hitting on you' (shows interest and humor) or 'thank god it was getting tiring fight off all these men' (you relax/bring down the wall) or 'well this is awkward, i was hitting on you' (to which he would then have some funny comeback letting you know he is interested).

 

like you said, you are new to this 'game'. some are straight forward (what everyone on this board thinks will happen), some coy (this guy), some over the top (my game --- results in a super high loss/rejection rate, but the ones that accept are serious). next time be ready...

[thefooloftheyear]

I hate to bring this up, because most women that read it have a shyt fit over it, but maybe he's making it clear that there is nothing to imply anything that could possibly be misconstrued as anything considered inappropriate...Y'know. the metoo age and all that jazz...I could be wrong, admittedly I don't do bars and don't make small talk with random women that I don't know...

 

 

A few weeks ago, I was waiting in line at the store and thought I heard someone call my name...I swung around, unaware that a woman was right behind me and I gently elbowed her in the breast....Ugh....I felt terrible and apologized profusely...She just joked about it so no big deal, but I don't think I have ever been so conscious of it as I would have been in the past.. Could it have been that type of thing going on? I dunno..

 

TFY

[mark clemson]

...but maybe he's making it clear that there is nothing to imply anything that could possibly be misconstrued as anything considered inappropriate...Y'know. the metoo age and all that jazz...

 

 

It IS possible he was simply clarifying that he was just making conversation and had no intentions.

 

 

of course he was hitting on you... what he was doing was separating himself from all the others that already hit on you AND it worked, days later and you are still talking about it.

 

So perhaps I'm wrong and he actually has GREAT social skills. Could be, I guess.

 

 

Hitting on you or not, it's pretty clear he has poor social skills.

[alphamale]

...and I gently elbowed her in the breast...

 

Gloria Steinem and her cronies will be all over you like white on rice

[serial muse]

of course he was hitting on you... by saying those words means it was on his mind (and no crap it was a bar...). funny how women all have this 'notion' of how EVERY man is supposed to act when getting their attention.

 

what he was doing was separating himself from all the others that already hit on you AND it worked, days later and you are still talking about it. he wanted you to respond: 'good because i'm not hitting on you' (shows interest and humor) or 'thank god it was getting tiring fight off all these men' (you relax/bring down the wall) or 'well this is awkward, i was hitting on you' (to which he would then have some funny comeback letting you know he is interested).

 

like you said, you are new to this 'game'. some are straight forward (what everyone on this board thinks will happen), some coy (this guy), some over the top (my game --- results in a super high loss/rejection rate, but the ones that accept are serious). next time be ready...

 

I agree that he was (probably) hitting on her but I don't agree that it worked.

 

Assuming it was an old-skool neg, yeah she took a confidence hit so hooray for him except that the actual goal is to get a phone number not just make someone feel bad about herself. Isn't that how that whole thing is supposed to work? So I wouldn't call that a win. Seems more like a lose-lose.

 

I thought the whole negging thing was played-out anyway, pun intended.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I've new to the whole bar scene and I was at a bar with a group when it was busy on a Friday night and this guy that was standing right next to me starting talking to me-no big deal, a lot of strangers talk to each other. He then starting saying, "I'm not hitting on you." "I'm not trying to get a date." I was like wth? Sure, he probably wasn't at all, I just felt a comment like that wasn't necessary AT ALL. Women don't want a man to tell some random stranger, he's not hitting on them. That ruined my night as if he was saying, that I'm ugly and that I don't deserved to get hit on.

 

He's just a guy that doesn't know how to talk to women. Don't take it personally.

[Redhead14]

Maybe the guy is just paranoid about women crying harrassment and the whole metoo thing? The guy is a little gunshy perhaps.

[basil67]

OK...I've chatted to guys before and given a compliment which was meshed in together with "I'm not hitting on you" just to make sure I don't give the wrong idea. Why is it so out of the realms of possibility that a man would do the same? And for reasons other than harassment...

[beldar]

I agree that he was (probably) hitting on her but I don't agree that it worked.

 

Assuming it was an old-skool neg, yeah she took a confidence hit so hooray for him except that the actual goal is to get a phone number not just make someone feel bad about herself. Isn't that how that whole thing is supposed to work? So I wouldn't call that a win. Seems more like a lose-lose.

 

I thought the whole negging thing was played-out anyway, pun intended.

 

 

 

 

It's just like fishing, which is what it is.

 

 

You keep changing the bait. Till it works.

Edited November 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[major_merrick]

Haha you got me again, Basil. I always keep thinking that you're a guy, and then your posts reveal that you're a girl....I never learn. I guess because Basil/Vasil/Vasily is a Russian man's name?

 

But it isn't impossible that he was just qualifying his remarks. I think the possibilities are endless when you analyze a conversation long after the fact.

[SumGuy]

Too ambiguous to decide either way. Could be a line, could be real, more of the interaction overall may tell but maybe not.

 

I can see someone saying this honestly if they had an experience once where someone thought they were (or maybe a boyfriend that shows up thinks) being hit on and got upset.

 

I can also see it as a line to get someone to talk and hope it turns out.

 

Either way, to me, so what. Was the interaction pleasant, then great. If not, those magic words of his make no difference.

 

In my opinion, way too much trying to read substance into form while ignoring substance, especially substance that is contrary to ones initial emotional reaction.

[basil67]

Haha you got me again, Basil. I always keep thinking that you're a guy,

 

MM, if it helps, I came up with my name while looking outside at my herb garden. So think of the herb rather than the name

[snowboy91]

My take on this is he was just trying to initiate conversation, and he was as good as his word - not trying to hit on you and not trying to make you feel uncomfortable. That being said, he felt the need to express that explicitly rather than make it obvious by word choices, body language, etc. Either he's really bad with social skills, or he (or someone close to him) has had a very bad experience with making women uncomfortable.

[lavenderandvelvet]

I've new to the whole bar scene and I was at a bar with a group when it was busy on a Friday night and this guy that was standing right next to me starting talking to me-no big deal, a lot of strangers talk to each other. He then starting saying, "I'm not hitting on you." "I'm not trying to get a date." I was like wth? Sure, he probably wasn't at all, I just felt a comment like that wasn't necessary AT ALL. Women don't want a man to tell some random stranger, he's not hitting on them. That ruined my night as if he was saying, that I'm ugly and that I don't deserved to get hit on.

 

That guy is lame. But it does remind me about what happened to me at a party.

 

I was at a singles party. I chatted with a guy for a little bit, didn't have a strong opinion. He was like, can I have your number, you seem fun. I said sure.

 

He texts me the next day and is like "great meeting you, I just want to be your friend." I said sure (I try to hoard male friends to expand my social circle of men my age). We met up for a movie a week or so later, it was fun enough.

 

After that this guy proceeded to text me good morning, send instagram memes etc. Multiple times a day. Peppered with occasional check-in questions. This went on for a few months. I maybe responded to 20% of his pings. Never made an effort to meet up again. After maybe 6 months the pings slowed down to a few times a week. After a year it was down to once a week or so.

 

A few weeks ago he sends me a text "hey are you free on Friday to go to a concert and then have sex after?" :eek:

 

I replied "I'm busy." He replied, oh I was just kidding.

 

And then the texts and pings slowed to a trickle. :lmao::lmao:

[chillii]

So basically you were insulted because he wasn't hitting on ya.

l've said that to a few women over the years ha, they probably thought hang on , why not too.

l mean your just talking, you might chat away with 20 30 people through the night it's nothin, but sometimes you do worry some women might think your about to hit on them that's all.

Edited November 14, 2019 by chillii