Emerald_11 Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 When we separated my ex denied me access to lots of my personal items such as jewelry, clothes and things I had owned since I was a little girl. I know he was trying to keep these things to control me so hopefully I would get back together with him. That is not going to happen! We have been divorced officially since last summer after a very lengthy drawn out divorce. It was ordered in court that he return the items. I messaged him asking about this. He read the message but had not responded. I ended up with some of is things that were in a storage unit. I have offered to return his things in exchange for mine. I don't want to keep his things indefinitely some of them might be valuable like a baseball card collection and a stamp collection. A friend told me to just sell his things and forget about trading back with him.. I really want a few of my things that are irreplaceable. I know his card & stamp collection is not replaceable. Also the police told me if I have a court order saying that things belong to me they could standby and help by being there. I want this to be peaceful. I am putting off calling the police and doing this because it will make him upset and he will try to punish me. Does anyone have any ideas about how to convince him to comply? Should I message again stating a firm time limit? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 Have the police go with you. Do not delay. He can ask you for his things. Have them in your car in case he asks. Do t go without the police and your court order. You should have done it the day after the judge approved the order. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 I am putting off calling the police and doing this because it will make him upset and he will try to punish me. Do you have kids together? I'm trying to understand how a divorced ex-husband could 'punish' you. I'd enforce the judgement with the help of the police... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 the police told me if I have a court order saying that things belong to me they could standby and help by being there Well, there's your answer. You've tried asking nicely and he has showed you that he will not play ball. Nothing you say will work; he will only respond to action. I would now tell him that in 7 days, if he doesn't respond amicably to exchange belongings, you are going to apply for a court order which will enable you to get a police presence to enter his property and retrieve your items. Send it by registered mail. If he doesn't respond in 7 days then go ahead and do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emerald_11 Posted November 14, 2019 Author Share Posted November 14, 2019 Yes, we have kids together. I was awarded full custody after all of the evidence was presented and how he behaved in court as well. He does see the kids every other weekend. What he has been doing to punish me is detrimental to my kids. He tells them a warped story- his version of what actually happened and paints me to be the bad person. He lies to them and shares adult information they should not be hearing. He uses my kids to punish me basically. My daughter is 14 and has been very depressed and difficult. I have her in counseling. He has also been rewarding the children for taking my things from my house with them on their weekend visits. Things like all of my power cords and hdmi cables for my computer, dvd movies, snowboard goggles etc...have turned up missing and they admitted they took them to dad because he said they are his. I explained that if dad wants something of mine he has to ask me. I now have to check their bags and coats before they leave. I have explained to them that nothing here belongs to him and stealing from me to give to him is wrong. The items that belong to him are in storage in a family members garage. My kids don't know I have them. The things I want back to most are a tiny gold bracelet with my name on it that I wore for the first 4 years of my life, some photo albums of my baby pictures and some of my artwork and awards for my artwork I have received when I was a teenager. My ex told my kids and they told me that he is keeping these things because without them I have no identity. He is doing it to be cruel to me! We discussed this in counseling. The counselor explained that material things do not define a person. If a person loses everything in a fire they are still the same person just with less belongings. These items were not destroyed in a fire and they belong to me. I have a court order. I think I will send him a message with a day and time that I will be there to retrieve my belongings. I will get the police to help and just get it over with. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 (edited) Yup, you will need to call the police. It’s not the best use of their time, but it’s the only way... He has made this decision for you, by his own behavior. It is the only choice you have - call the police or let it go. Prepare yourself - he may have damaged or he may not have your things. I would also tell him in no uncertain terms to stop drawing the children into your divorce. Is there a way that you can go back to court to get his visitation withdrawn? Because, that is how seriously I would take that kind of behavior. What he is doing is increasingly damaging to your children, and you need to do everything you can to protect them. I hope you continue with the counselling, it sounds like it is very important for your daughter. Also glad to hear that you are getting some counselling too. Good luck. Edited November 14, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Y The items that belong to him are in storage in a family members garage. My kids don't know I have them. Not sure this is an exchange, seems more like dual hostages. Why not simply give him his things back? You're doing the same thing he is, not much moral high ground here... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Is there a way that you can go back to court to get his visitation withdrawn? Because, that is how seriously I would take that kind of behavior. Yes, if I were you I'd be telling your story to a lawyer ASAP and finding out what you can do to STOP this from happening. It's emotional manipulation and it's damaging to the kids, harming the relationship between them and their mother. Why not simply give him his things back? You're doing the same thing he is, not much moral high ground here... Yeeeeeeah, if you're keeping his things from him as well then that puts things in a different light. It doesn't seem to be working anyway: you value your things more than he values his. And he can justify his stealing-by-proxy by saying you've got his things and won't return them, and asking the kids to get them is his only recourse. You're giving him justification. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Show up at his place with the police today. Don’t give him warning. The court order says you can get those things so go get them now. Any delays gives him time to get rid of your things. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 I don't know if he's shown violent tendencies in the past but I would be very much on my guard. You, at a minimum, should carry mace with you at all times as well as recording any conversations you are forced to have because of the children. From a distance I have to admire his ingenuity to make your life difficult by having your kids take the power cords and hdmi cables. That's very devious and lays bare how deep his anger must be. That he is willing to use his children to strike at you is a huge red flag. What's next? Will he climb the pole outside and cut your electricity on a cold winter night or the cable tv? Will you come home to find that someone put a hole in the air conditioner? Any mysterious scratches on the car? Will he be stalking you? You should have your eyes wide open for any escalation in his behavior and don't hesitate to use the law to put a stop to it before it gets to a point of no return. Inform other people that may act as allies for you. This is a man with a tremendous amount of anger and obsessive thoughts that you don't want directed towards you. Give serous thought to protecting yourself. Avoid all contact and attempt to do anything that involves him through a third party. Outside cameras are a good choice as well as one for your car. I don't know how you feel about firearms but I would recommend that you go to a gun range and take a class on self defense. Thousands of people save their own lives through the use of firearms every year. Think of it as an insurance policy. It's a resource you hope to never have to use but you will be damn glad it's there if you need it. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 ......Also the police told me if I have a court order saying that things belong to me they could standby and help by being there. I want this to be peaceful. ... It will be peacfull... when the cops are stading beside you. ......Does anyone have any ideas about how to convince him to comply? Should I message again stating a firm time limit? At this point... he has clearly stated his position. The cops will get him to comply... and you sending a message is not "Legal"... and this is the point he has taken it to. Regardless if you want to be nice... he is not. Otherwise, you would already have your stuff. My ex was cruel, and mean, and wanted nothing more than for me to be dead. But... she has her stuff. AND... even though I was trying to be nice... she had the order drawn up that she had 30 days to get her stuff out, after she moved. (turned into 90 days from the order) I told my lawyer that I want to move forward and don't want to be a "Storage unit" for her. But, I eventually agreed. But, at the end of the 30 days... she came to me and asked for a bed she wanted... and I said no. (felt good to use the legal side for myself) anyway... just go to the local PD with your court order, and ask to be escorted. DO IT NOW before a time limit may come into play. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 (edited) If you truly want this go to peaceful, the first thing I would do is arrange to have him come and pick up his items from the family member's garage (I'm assuming it's your family member?) You can have the court order and police at the site and request that he bring your items with him. If he does not bring your items with him, then have the police escort you to his place to pick up your items. Otherwise, it just looks like a standoff with each of you holding the others' personal items hostage. Keep your kids in therapy. You mentioned one was 14. That is old enough to understand what is going on. I agree with your therapist that those items he is holding are just "things." While they might be important to you, the fact that you place such importance on them has promulgated this scenario of your ex keeping those items hostage. Take his power away by coming to terms with the fact that those items are not NEARLY as important as the mental and emotional welfare of your children while they are being put in the middle of this game (maybe not a game to you, but possibly a game to him.) Besides, he could toss them, or sell them, and they'd be lost to you anyways. I understand the attachment to the items. During one move about 15 years ago, our box of collectible Christmas ornaments (1st Christmas together, baby's first Christmas, everywhere we were ever stationed, the ornaments my daughters made in school, etc.) were lost in the move. I was completely devastated. I'll never get those back. Ten-fifteen years later and I've had to make new traditions and new memories, and you will too. Edited November 14, 2019 by vla1120 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Me Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 I think your next step is entirely dependent on what you're state and county laws are. Locally, Sheriffs won't accompany you at request without a court order for them too. They don't have time to mess around with squabbling adults acting like children. First an attorney retained, a court hearing where a judge is asked to grant the order, Order get sent to the Sheriffs and Dept and they call you with a date and time. The big problem is that the judge is so busy with adults acting like children and simply acting out in anger and resentment that their time is very very valuable so an attorney that has to go to bat for you needs to be aggressive and concise but not ridiculous and petty. I lost EVERYTHING I owned because of this. I mean EVERYTHING thing. I was even homeless for some weeks because the EX was able to claim I was abusive and the judge, being too busy to put any real effort into ensuring the claim was real, blindly signed off on it and never would go back to look at it again. Honestly, I'd condider just letting it go...The financial and emotional toll it would take to get your way probably isn't worth the bickering and time in family court. I know how bad that sucks. I even lost irreplaceable family heirlooms and keepsakes that have no value other than too my own heart. Specifically a black and white faded picture of my great grandmother from the 1920's. It was ordered too me during the trial however it would take $5000 dollars in attorneys fees to try to get it back. For the Ex, it's a reminder of the power she was givin to her in family court to ruin my life and a keepsake that she uses to tell the story about how she HAD to forcibly remove me because she is such a super mom and super women to escape from the abusive. She forgets the part of the story where the courts ruled she had no evidence of abuse(lied) and awarded me the kids. I write is off as my the reward for making a such bad mistake in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 .....I lost EVERYTHING I owned because of this. I mean EVERYTHING thing. I was even homeless for some weeks because the EX was able to claim I was abusive and the judge, being too busy to put any real effort into ensuring the claim was real, blindly signed off on it and never would go back to look at it again. ..... Wow... I'm so sorry for you. This was EXACTLY what my ex tried to do to me. I was fortunate in the fact that I had a long time friend in CYS. When I heard this was going to happen, I called him to ask if it could happen, and he said... "Yes, a judge is likely to just sign the order without an investigation." He went on to say... "You will be removed, and THEN things will be investigated. At that point, you will get to go back." My saving point was when he said... "I'm in my boss's office, and your name is now on his desk." (His office is in the courthouse) I don't know if it ever got filed or if they stopped it for me... but I really do feel for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 15, 2019 Share Posted November 15, 2019 Honestly, I'd consider just letting it go... My ex had 4 large brothers, they came while I was at work and completely cleaned out our house when she finally left. I ended up with a dented frying pan and a pillow case I found on the floor of one of the closets. I did eventually get my stereo back, she claimed taking it was a "mistake". In hindsight, best deal I ever made. It was all just "stuff" and I was confident I could get more as needed. It was the push I needed to move forward and put a failed marriage behind me. Emerald_11, I'll just counsel you to choose your battles wisely. To an outsider, it seems the time spent on this could be put to better use... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 15, 2019 Share Posted November 15, 2019 Did you get your things? Give him his things? Link to post Share on other sites
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