Should I take my chance to win her back?

[GoodWithPaprika]

What can I do? I've met this girl this summer, she's a friend of my best friend, both working in NYC while I live in Amsterdam. It was love at first sight, we had a great couple of days in Amsterdam and I loved her right away. We kept in touch, like literally calling and facetiming every day, and at the end of August we went to the south of France together. It was a great holiday and our love felt stronger than ever. But I'd lost my wallet on the first day, so she payed for everything and I was supposed to pay her the half of everything afterwards. I would transfer the money to my best friend, who still has a Dutch bank account. Everything was fine.

 

But when I got home I discovered I had to pay a big amount of money to taxes and wasn't able to pay the money for the holiday at one time. So I've asked my friend if I could pay her in two months, while she would give my girl the entire amount at once. My best friend is really succesfull so I knew she had the money. She accepted it, but only if I told my girl the story. And I really wanted to, but she had big troubles with her work. Like, she called me several times crying about her career and that she wasn't happy in NYC. So I didn't want give her more stress, so I postponed telling her about the money. But my best friend told her the story assuming I've told my girl the story, and she was really suprised. Now she told me that my lie changed her feelings and that they can't changed back, while she really wants them to change back because she also loved me...

 

I ****ing hate myself for this but she tells me not to feel bad for a mistake because we all make them and that we have to figure out a new friendship. She also still wants me to come to New York, but only if it's financial okay for me. In other words, she thinks I'm poor. But I'm not, in fact, I already saved for that trip. Her birthday is in December and I already bought her a present I know for sure she'll love.

 

Because of the distance we didn't had a good talk about everything, so I want to go to New York to tell her I love her and ask her to have one last day together. If her feelings still didn't came back, I'll let her go. But of course the great question is: should I do this? I'm really sure she's my soulmate and the love of my life, I just know. I never felt such a strong connection with someone, and she had the same feeling.

 

Should I go for one last chance to win her back?

Edited November 12, 2019 by GoodWithPaprika

[d0nnivain]

You never had her in the first place. You were a fun foreign fling. Then she thinks you lied to her & you already made money an issue in whatever is going on.

 

If you haven't paid her back in full, do that now. If you have not paid her back, do not come to NY.

 

Come to NY if you like but for heaven's sake don't talk about "love". You barely even know each other.

[rjc149]

Slow your roll dude. You are coming on WAY too strong, being needy and clingy and smothering this girl with all this unwarranted attention and affection. Who also thinks you're broke and a liar. Not hot.

 

You've spent 2 days in this girl's company. Now she's the love of your life, you're buying her gifts, you're traveling across oceans to see her and profess your love-- highly unattractive behavior. She'll be turned off by this very quickly.

 

I'm not sure a post on a forum thread is going to get you to see how you're going about this dreadfully wrong.

 

But what's with your friend forcing you to tell this girl that you couldn't make the payment yourself? Friends are supposed to cover for you, not embarrass you.

[GoodWithPaprika]

How the heck did you lose your wallet on the first day of vacation? That plus you promised to pay her for half of the trip and "suddenly had other bills to pay" PLUS you mooched off a friend for the money to pay her and lied to her about it- it makes you seem like not such a great guy who is not honest or responsible about money.

 

Don't know what to tell you about giving it one more chance- clearly you're head over heels for this girl so nothing anyone says on an internet forum is going to change your mind one way or another but I suggest reigning in your emotions, all this love at first sight isn't real yet you are convinced it is beyond the shadow of a doubt.

 

Really stupid, my wallet was still in my swim shorts and we toke a dive. It was so stupid but later we could make jokes about it.

 

 

 

You never had her in the first place. You were a fun foreign fling. Then she thinks you lied to her & you already made money an issue in whatever is going on.

 

If you haven't paid her back in full, do that now. If you have not paid her back, do not come to NY.

 

Come to NY if you like but for heaven's sake don't talk about "love". You barely even know each other.

 

 

Of course I already paid her back in full, that's already taken care off.

 

 

Slow your roll dude. You are coming on WAY too strong, being needy and clingy and smothering this girl with all this unwarranted attention and affection. Who also thinks you're broke and a liar. Not hot.

 

You've spent 2 days in this girl's company. Now she's the love of your life, you're buying her gifts, you're traveling across oceans to see her and profess your love-- highly unattractive behavior. She'll be turned off by this very quickly.

 

I'm not sure a post on a forum thread is going to get you to see how you're going about this dreadfully wrong.

 

But what's with your friend forcing you to tell this girl that you couldn't make the payment yourself? Friends are supposed to cover for you, not embarrass you.

 

No, it's more than 2 days. 5 days in Amsterdam and 8 days on a trip to France and Germany. But yeah, it's not that much. But we've been calling and facetiming for four months, what's almost the same as dating for the same time. Normally I wouldn't even talk about love, in fact, I never ever did before. But I never felt this kind of connection with someone before and she had the same thing, before the whole lying thing.

 

It's not a materialistic gift that I've for her, it are tickets for a Broadway show we wanted to see because before the whole lying thing she asked me several times when I would come to NYC. She was just as head over heels, we both were.

Believe, in every other situation I would not even considering going to cross the ocean, but it feels like I only have one more chance and I really would like to take it, because I can't stand losing her.

[GoodWithPaprika]

You said in your first post that your friend paid her the money you owe her. You still owe the friend, the friend that somehow contacted her and made her aware of the situation and made you out to be a liar which created this issue, isn't that right? If so it isn't taken care of. Not in the least.

 

No, I forgot to tell, but my friend couldn't make the withdrawal so I paid the entire amount of money one month later. So everything is taken care off money wise. The only thing that happened that I wasn't honest with her from the beginning.

[d0nnivain]

When was the last time you spoke? Does she know you are planning to come to NY?

 

Do not show up as a surprise. It will not be welcome.

 

Where are you planning to stay? If she has not expressly recently invited you to stay with her, don't assume you are welcome. Can you afford a hotel? In December they can be pretty pricey; the average daily room rate is $350 per night. Is that in your budget after the transatlantic flight?

 

If you two are still in contact, great! The you can come & hopefully you two will have an enjoyable time during your visit. I hope the birthday present isn't too extravagant. If it's the show tickets, I hope you discussed it & she doesn't already have plans that night.

 

Just make sure you & she are on the same page about your travel before you set foot on a plane.

 

Do not mention "love" or relationship or "what are we?" unless she brings it up first. I genuinely fear that you are reading more into this then there is & you were just the foreign fling.

[GoodWithPaprika]

When was the last time you spoke? Does she know you are planning to come to NY?

 

Do not show up as a surprise. It will not be welcome.

 

Where are you planning to stay? If she has not expressly recently invited you to stay with her, don't assume you are welcome. Can you afford a hotel? In December they can be pretty pricey; the average daily room rate is $350 per night. Is that in your budget after the transatlantic flight?

 

If you two are still in contact, great! The you can come & hopefully you two will have an enjoyable time during your visit. I hope the birthday present isn't too extravagant. If it's the show tickets, I hope you discussed it & she doesn't already have plans that night.

 

Just make sure you & she are on the same page about your travel before you set foot on a plane.

 

Do not mention "love" or relationship or "what are we?" unless she brings it up first. I genuinely fear that you are reading more into this then there is & you were just the foreign fling.

 

Last saturday, she had a wedding this weekend and she'll be back home tomorrow so we planned to talk then.

 

I can stay at my best friend, she has a spare room so that's perfect. I didn't tell her I bought the tickets, but I will. And no, I'm not planning to talk about love but I know for sure we are/were more than a foreign fling because before the whole lie thing we talked so much about visiting each other and she doesn't even like American guys.

[d0nnivain]

As long as you & she are still in contact & she has some clue that you will be in NYC it's all good.

 

I would also assume that the friend where you are planning to stay is more loyal to her then you & I would not test that.

 

Does this friend know of your plans?

[GoodWithPaprika]

As long as you & she are still in contact & she has some clue that you will be in NYC it's all good.

 

I would also assume that the friend where you are planning to stay is more loyal to her then you & I would not test that.

 

Does this friend know of your plans?

 

Well, she's my best friend for some years so she's pretty loyal to me. And yes, she knows of my plans. She will help me win her back for 100%.

[rjc149]

I dunno man, sounds like you’ve seen too many romance movies. In real life the hopeless romantic guy gets clingy, smothering and obsessive, communicates scarcity and low value, and drives the girl away. They are really turned off by this type of beta male behavior. They may enjoy the attention and validation for a bit, but quickly tire of it and move on to someone who acts more masculine.

 

Don’t show up unless the invitation from this girl was explicit “I want you to come visit me and stay with me in NYC.” Don’t interpret her asking “so when are visiting NYC?” as an invitation to her doorstep. Don’t make this girl the sole purpose of your trip. Have a sight-seeing itinerary planned regardless of whether you see this girl. And I wouldn’t speak for her when saying she is just as head over heels in love as you are. Women’s emotions are subject to change at a moment’s notice. Especially when you fly across an ocean to profess your undying love for her, hoping to tie her down into a relationship, when you’ve spent a week in her actual company at most. I repeat, this is *extremely* unattractive behavior for a man, and especially one who is trying to woo an American girl.

 

And the friend who will let you stay with her — is this the same friend who threw you under the bus with the money thing?

 

I would get some self control over your emotions. This has heartbreak written all over it. Be careful with your heart.

[GoodWithPaprika]

Yeah, you're all right. I should man the **** up and accept that I've screwed it and should respect her feelings. I've to be a good friend for her and maybe her feelings can come back, but if not, I still should be a good friend because I care of her.

 

I'm still going to NYC, because I want to go to NYC. I will probably hang out with her, but won't let it be about us. Just spending time together and having a good time. In the best case she'll see the person she fell in love with before, but in every other case she'll see a new friend. And that's okay.

[Highndry]

I dunno man, sounds like you’ve seen too many romance movies. In real life the hopeless romantic guy gets clingy, smothering and obsessive, communicates scarcity and low value, and drives the girl away. They are really turned off by this type of beta male behavior. They may enjoy the attention and validation for a bit, but quickly tire of it and move on to someone who acts more masculine.

 

 

This x 1,000,000. If there were a men's dating bible, this should be on the first page.