said weird things to my FWB friends and now hes “turned off”... can I get him back?

[SaraMarsh]

So I met thus guy not even two weeks ago and we hit it off, it seemed like we were going to have a really good fwb situation before he left for a different state in like a month. Well last night we had a heart to heart about some stuff that’s happened/been said by me to other people when I’ve been like super messed up. Basically we came to the agreement/ he said he’s still down to be friends but he’s super turned off by what he’s heard and like us sleeping together again is a big no, but we can be friends still and he hopes to see me around as he is a part of a friend group I spend a lot of time with. Also, he does agree that there is probably been a lot of miscommunication on both sides but it doesn’t change that he feels “turned off”. The thing is I’m down for that, but I also really liked the sex and don’t want that to stop. I want us to be able to ‘chill’ until he leaves but like I said he was like I’m super not into us being fwb anymore.

 

What drunk me has allegedly done:

 

Well basically girls who he’s friends with have come up to me and asked what was going on with us? They would ask if we're sleeping together And like I would say yeah, but then like interrogate them about if they have hooked up with him. Also like drunk me has come across as TOO into him, especially cuz we’ve only known each other like 2 weeks. Drunk me has also asked girls who are friends with the boys, Frat boys to be specific, like who they have hooked up with in the frat if anyone. I promise my intentions were not to find out about him, I’ve been guilty of this before he even came into the picture, but just cuz drunk me is super nosey. Well somehow these girls got it into their head that I’m obviously asking them with the intention to find out about him. The two times I brought him up specifically was because I didn’t want to step on any toes/ cause drama..... well this has all made me come across as clingy, jealous, overly attached, possessive, and most of all not chill. I am a very intense person btw. I have never acted like this or said this stuff sober, and drunk me is on a different page than sober me for sure.

 

Is there anything I can do to get him back to fwb again? I do not want a relationship right now, at all, and I’m generally chill except when I’m wasted. Like I said he seems okay with us still being friends but I’m just mad that things I’ve said/or apparently said while drunk has messed this situation so bad. We were really vibing, like he spent the night 3 times at my place in like the course of 10 days. Like I said not looking for a relationship right now, and he’s not either. Just drunk me has made it seem like I want more/ am crazy. Or what other people have relayed to him from having conversations with me while they’re also drunk.

Edited November 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

He probably senses that you are rather "intense" as you said and it may scare him a bit because even though you say you only want sex it seems you want more. He has made it clear the FWB has stopped and will not resume. There is nothing you can do when someone doesn't want you but move on. I think the previous sex you had with him made you bond with him and you really do want more than a FWB relationship. I think he used what you said to other people as an excuse to end it. Please stop drinking because it makes you act differently than your real self and it isn't good for you.

[SaraMarsh]

He probably senses that you are rather "intense" as you said and it may scare him a bit because even though you say you only want sex it seems you want more. He has made it clear the FWB has stopped and will not resume. There is nothing you can do when someone doesn't want you but move on. I think the previous sex you had with him made you bond with him and you really do want more than a FWB relationship. I think he used what you said to other people as an excuse to end it. Please stop drinking because it makes you act differently than your real self and it isn't good for you.

 

I think you may be right. He kept apologizing and said he still wants to see me around and be friends and stuff. He just doesn’t want anything complicated at all right now. As he is friends with my friend group I am just giving him space but hoping we can stay in contact while he’s gone! I really do like him as a person first and foremost.... I’m just really embarrassed that I’ve been so sloppy and people were saying things about that. Especially cuz I’ve caught a lot of flack for sleeping with him and have had people say really mean things about me because of it. And I didn’t spread it to him. Makes me mad cuz I want to justify myself but I don’t think talking it out would make anything better. Especially cuz we did seem to end on a good note after the convo. Thank you so much for this reply! It was one of the wayyy more helpful ones.

Edited November 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

Sara this thread may interest you:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/692662-what-does-mean-when-guy-says-stop-acting-like-girlfriend

[preraph]

You ARE overly attached and shouldn't be trying to do FWBs with people because as you know, that is not what they are about. He is not going to sit still while you block him from his legit dating just to have you to hookup with. You are acting possessive of him and that is the opposite of what FWB is. FWB, you don't CARE what they're doing or with whom. So you're lying to yourself about wanting FWB and what you are doing is settling for it. He doesn't like you any other way, so this is going nowhere. You need to not settle and look for an actual boyfriend.

[stillafool]

What exactly did people tell him about you that makes you think you were sloppy?

[SaraMarsh]

What exactly did people tell him about you that makes you think you were sloppy?

 

Basically I was asking girls he knows if he was sleeping with them, or other people if he had things with other girls he spends time with. Tbh Im just super nosey and want to know who is sleeping with who because I hate dealing with girl drama and want to know who to avoid if he's trying to be touchy in public. Also, other girls were coming up to me asking if me and him were sleeping together and saying it was super weird cuz like 3 months ago I had hooked up with his roommate. They kept asking if I liked him or something, and like I said I did as a person..... whenI was blackout I did keep trying to grab his dick tho.... that one is completly on me. But basically these other girls made it seem like I have feelings for him/ am wayyyy to possessive and not okay with him having other female friends. Tbh he wouldn't go into too much detail besides it was weird and abnormal.

Edited November 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[healing light]

-you really like him as a person first and foremost

-you really enjoy the sex

-drunk you wants to know everything about him

 

I think he did you a favor because you're setting yourself up for future heartbreak by saying you're okay with FWB. I think you'll end up wanting more since you like him on multiple levels, not just sexually, and it will be more difficult to end things if/when he gets involved with someone else.

 

 

The best thing you can do in this situation is to give it space, especially if you want to combat the clingy notion you're afraid you've given off. Let yourselves both process things and try to be more mindful who you get that drunk around.

[stillafool]

Sara if you did hook up with his roommate previously and he didn't know until after he had sex with you that is more than likely the real reason he is dropping you off the FWB list. He doesn't want to maybe hurt his roommate or think it's a bit messy, which I agree. I don't see a problem with asking other girls about him as long as it wasn't excessive which sounds like it may have been.

Edited November 13, 2019 by stillafool

[SaraMarsh]

Sara if you did hook up with his roommate previously and he didn't know until after he had sex with you that is more than likely the real reason he is dropping you off the FWB list. He doesn't want to maybe hurt his roommate or think it's a bit messy, which I agree. I don't see a problem with asking other girls about him as long as it wasn't excessive which sounds like it may have been.

 

It was defiantly a little excessive, and since I'm so intense/blunt as a person those girls probably read into it more than they should have... considering they were drunk too. And it was his ex roommate of two years and he told me he didn't care about that and im inclined to believe him... maybe. I mean his roommate has a diff FWB now and im not interested at all anymore, and I really like the new girl. I just feel like I messed up "curiosity killed the cat" and all. I also hate making people uncomfortable and I feel like I did with him.

 

Also, thanks for the continued responses... its really helping me out

Edited November 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

Oh, I see about the roommate situation and you are right it probably isn't that. I guess he doesn't like women discussing him when he isn't around. What is he hiding? That isn't enough to stop contact.

[NuevoYorko]

Oh, I see about the roommate situation and you are right it probably isn't that. I guess he doesn't like women discussing him when he isn't around. What is he hiding? That isn't enough to stop contact.

I enthusiastically disagree. They've known each other for 2 weeks and it was supposed to be casual sex. This is so not casual and there is no history or attachment. I'd stop contact if I were in his place. Sorry.

[Purepony]

Leave him alone before he blocks you and stop drinking or learn to control your drinking

 

For all you know maybe he met someone else and is trying to pursue that

[SaraMarsh]

Me too. I've met girls I liked and then they turn into drunken stalkers. Don't need the drama. Even if she was hot and the sex was good. Honestly good sex seems to go along with obsessive crazy behavior, no clue why. Something to do with that Youtube video that went viral a while back, it was called the crazy/hot scale or something like that. Whereby a really hot, normal girl is like a unicorn.

 

I am going to say that I wasn't just bringing him up out of no where, I had other girls who are his friends interrogating me because I had hookedup with his roommate previously, or just saying really mean ****. I never brought it up to him cuz like I said casual and I hate drama... also Im friends with a lot of his guy friends who have only given me good natured **** about all this. These other girls tho, like they went up to him and said all the **** I said while drunk out of context, without bringing up their own involvement, to get me away from him? Idk, I mean he said he still wants me around and ****, just no more sex cuz of all the drama that was happening. Im not going so say I didn't go to far sometimes but it for sure wasn't just me

[SaraMarsh]

I enthusiastically disagree. They've known each other for 2 weeks and it was supposed to be casual sex. This is so not casual and there is no history or attachment. I'd stop contact if I were in his place. Sorry.

 

He didn't stop contact, he just doesn't want to hookup anymore. He was the one that brought up us still being friends and hanging out and talking and stuff. Like idk, but tbh cuz he's leaving for 2-3 years in 4 week maybe he was getting too attached. He kept saying the timing is bad and stuff, and he feels like such an ass?

[SaraMarsh]

Oh, I see about the roommate situation and you are right it probably isn't that. I guess he doesn't like women discussing him when he isn't around. What is he hiding? That isn't enough to stop contact.

 

He didn't stop contact. He just felt like what we were doing was getting too intense for something that was supposed to be just casual. based on what other people were saying I was saying, and how attached he was getting to me I think? Tbh I just want a consitent fwb for like a month or two, the fact that he was leaving was perfect because it had a built in time limit.... its just ending about 4 weeks before I wanted it to.

[Beendaredonedat]

Maybe it's just "drunk you" that he's defo turned off for good to?

 

I'm sure there are one thousand and one other "frat boys" that will be glad to have sex with you (drunk or sober) so why not just forget this one that is "turned off" and maybe, just maybe if you stay sober, he might see the beauty in you as a person.

 

A quick FYI: These people you hang out with are NOT your friends btw. Friends don't turn other friends against you.

[SaraMarsh]

Maybe it's just "drunk you" that he's defo turned off for good to?

 

I'm sure there are one thousand and one other "frat boys" that will be glad to have sex with you (drunk or sober) so why not just forget this one that is "turned off" and maybe, just maybe if you stay sober, he might see the beauty in you as a person.

 

A quick FYI: These people you hang out with are NOT your friends btw. Friends don't turn other friends against you.

 

Yeah you're probably right, drunk me has a tendency to blurt out what is on her mind without thinking of the consequences (aka things that I would never act on/say when sober, just tasing thoughts)... and by drunk me I mean wayyy too drunk. I don't get like that often, I've just had a rough couple of weeks.

 

and yeah I know other guys are willing to have sex with me, I just like this dude as a person/potential friend and I hate that I made him feel uncomfortable. Also, the sex was good, and like as a woman it is hard to find someone who is good at sex and I can tolerate as a person.

 

so the boys in the group are for sure my friends, the girls that they spend time with... well I guess i tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, I know i don't repeat things people say to me when drunk cuz i understand that what im hearing/what they're trying to see might not be accurate to who they are. I just feel stupid cuz what should I have expected from these girls. and sorta hurt because I tried to be nice to them even when they were being mean as anything.

Edited November 14, 2019 by SaraMarsh
clarification/language

[Beendaredonedat]

My dear, Sarah! *sighs* Please, please, please start today to have a better love you yourself so that you want more than a good effing from some random dude you barely know.

 

Casual sex is one thing but where is it going to end you up if you don't love yourself enough to just do the deed with guys you don't want a relationship with and quit trying to be friends with them. Guys who judge you like this piece of wasted flesh judged you over what other CHICKS said about you is not worth your time, the energy you used to get off nor are they worth even hanging out with without the sex.

 

The girls? Well they are the epitome of "mean girls" and this ex FWB of yours, if he calls them his friends then he's certainly lacking in better judgement.

 

Work on yourself so that you don't need to get wasted, so that you respect yourself more, so that you believe you deserve more than a guy you do for a few weeks. Choose guys (even if just for casual sex) that are a lot more down to earth and a lot less influenced by catty women who are out to destroy any "friendship" with a new gurl.

 

If you need help in getting yourself in a better frame of mind then don't be afraid to seek out counselling or a life coach that will help you with that.

There is no shame in getting help to make you the best you that you can be.

 

<3