Husband keeps bringing up sexual past

[sarahkay]

My husband is 34, I’m 35. We met four years ago and been married for two.

 

How do you deal with a husband or who has an issue with how many sexual partners you’ve had? I’ve never given him an exact number, but from stories we’ve shared with each other he deduces (rightly) that it’s been more than five, while he proudly can “count the number of partners [he’s] had with one hand.” He doesn’t talk about this often but he does bring that up when we’re having a strong argument. It really bothers me, but I feel that expressing this to him would make him feel more right in his criticism— like, if it bothers me it must be something I should be ashamed of. But I’m not ashamed of it, which is why i was foolish enough to not withhold info in the first place. All while he can tell me the crazy stories from his party days. So how would you go around this?

 

Our pasts are polar opposites. He was a crazy party guy who allegedly preferred drinking and having a good party over picking up women. Me, I had a very mellow past, introverted and reading indoors for fun, but yes, I’ve had a few serious relationships before him and a couple of flings because I enjoy sex. That was my drug aside from reading. One of his complaints from his own past is that apparently every woman he slept me before me did it on the first date. I was apparently the first who didn’t (I never do) and that’s why he married me. But it’s such an imperfection of mine that it’s been more than 5.

 

How would you respond to someone talking about you having more than 5 partners in your past as if it were a bad thing? I really enjoyed those experiences and don’t regret them. I didn’t lie or cheat to anyone. I didn’t think I should save myself for someone I might marry someday. Am I wrong? And he even said, “those guys probably told you they loved you and fell for it.” He is quite wrong, actually. One or two, maybe it was with that intention. Most them I just wanted the high of sex. But I feel like no matter how I answer, I will be in the wrong. If I say I slept with them for love, then I’m a fool and fell for them. If it was just for my pleasure, then I’m like the women he knew. Ugh.

[d0nnivain]

Some how you have to have the courage to bring up this subject calmly, not while in a fight, & sober.

 

Say something like his taunts bother you & they have to stop. Explain without specifics what you said to us: that you had more then 5 committed relationships so you had more then 5 partners. His experience where women fell into bed with him on the 1st meeting was not your behavior. the past is the past but you are married to each other now & the only thing that matters is your fidelity to each other & your vows. But he has to shut up about this already because his constant harping is upsetting.

[preraph]

You need to let him know you have no guilt about it whatsoever because you did nothing wrong and don't like his judgmental puritanical attitude about it. If you didn't act guilty, he wouldn't keep bringing it up.

[sarahkay]

You need to let him know you have no guilt about it whatsoever because you did nothing wrong and don't like his judgmental puritanical attitude about it. If you didn't act guilty, he wouldn't keep bringing it up.

 

Should I bring it up myself again and tell him all this, or should I just act like nothing is bothering me until he brings it up again? It happens every few months, not sure I can wait that long. I do kind of act guilty, I admit, because I know that in his paradigm it is wrong (though not in mine, obviously). Do I need to tell him I don’t regret it at all?! Because I don’t! Life is short and you’re young only once. And I really really enjoyed the high of those experiences.

[d0nnivain]

You have to bring it up because he always brings it up in a fight. You won't be calm if you let him goad you.

[sarahkay]

You have to bring it up because he always brings it up in a fight. You won't be calm if you let him goad you.

 

To be fair, he doesn’t bring it up often. We don’t fight often to begin with, and he doesn’t bring it up at every fight. But it does happen every few months and that’s enough to bother me.

[BaileyB]

As the others have said, in the right moment when you are both calm - I would tell him how much it bothers you that he continues to bring this up. Gently remind him that everyone has a past, and your previous sexual history can not be changed and it is none of his business.

 

Have you thought about asking why this bother him - is it because he feels it is a reflection of your character or his own insecurity? Perhaps if you know the “why,” it will be easier to find a solution.

[sarahkay]

As the others have said, in the right moment when you are both calm - I would tell him how much it bothers you that he continues to bring this up. Gently remind him that everyone has a past, and your previous sexual history can not be changed and it is none of his business.

 

Have you thought about asking why this bother him - is it because he feels it is a reflection of your character or his own insecurity? Perhaps if you know the “why,” it will be easier to find a solution.

 

I imagine it’s because that would make me a “w****” in his eyes. Well, he hasn’t called me that, but he’s called a couple of his exes that. His last ex slept with all his friends while being with him and he said he was just having fun with her because she’s a w****. I have never done something like that. Not because I think it’s immoral (open relationships are a good option), but because it would be cruel in an exclusive relationship. I also wouldn’t want to have sex with friends of someone I’ve dated in the past because yeah, people talk. I don’t know, maybe it’s his past. And i imagine it’s also because his own mom has only had two partners, the men she’s married. She’s lived a life of work and child-rearing, and I avoided kids to be able to have fun (he’s never said that himself— only my conjecture).

[Tamfana]

... but he does bring that up when we’re having a strong argument. It really bothers me, but I feel that expressing this to him would make him feel more right in his criticism— like, if it bothers me it must be something I should be ashamed of. But I’m not ashamed of it, which is why i was foolish enough to not withhold info in the first place. All while he can tell me the crazy stories from his party days. So how would you go around this?

 

Tell him directly to please stop bringing it up. Ever. Mention that he brings it up when you're arguing indicating that he's trying to use that info as a weapon or device in the argument, but that's out of bounds, has to stop.

[preraph]

Don't wait until there's more drama. Get it out in the open when you're both calm. Tell him he's judgmental about you, you have no guilt because you did nothing wrong and he can disagree with your ethics but by the same token, you disagree with his puritanical judgmental stance on women and sex.

[DKT3]

I doubt he thinks your a W..as you say. It's most likely a combination of his cheating ex and he may have you on a pedestal.

 

This topic has be beat to death in my time here on this site...and I honestly believe if more women owed thier sexual histories and forgo all the mystery it would eliminate alot of poor male behavior surrounding it. You say you aren't ashamed, yet you've not be accurate in your information giving which leaves room for his imagination to go places that dont exist in your past.

 

I personally believe one should share as much as the partner what's to know. Secret sexual pasts destroys relationships. Being open and honest the second you start to have expectations of a relationship would eliminate issues like this and assure you've picked a partner who will accept all of you.

 

What you should do is open the forum with your husband, tell him you will answer any questions regarding your sexual past and once your done you expect that the subject will be closed going forward. You will most likely get a I dont need/want to know anything. Then tell him it's done.

 

I promise you, your husband will respond in a favorable way, it will take all the mystery out and he will no longer have the need to probe which is what he is doing. Trying to get you to admit or deny things he thinks you may have done.

[preraph]

You are the normal one here. HE is the one who is out on the puritanical fringe.

[IslandSanctuary]

It obviously bugs him, to be honest it would bug me too.

While reading Not Just Friends by Shirely Glass the divorce/infidelity statistics she showed included the number of sexual partners a woman has had and what age she started. Now I know it seems 'misogynistic' to claim this is different for women and men, but statistics and science does not lie. The more sexual partners a woman had the far more likely she was to leave or stray, once you got over 10+ the divorce rate was about 80%.

 

Men like women with a lower number - it's proven biology.

Women like experienced men, the men other women want - it's proven biology.

 

Is this fair? Do I like it this way? Women play their part in this too. Go find yourself a virgin or a guy no one wants to sleep with if you want to change this dynamic............

 

'Virgin' = insult to men, compliment to women.

 

Personally I'd never gf up a woman that puts out on the first date/has casual sex with men she's just met. Sure I'd do that myself, but I'm a man I know this glaring double standard pisses you off, but science does not lie, statistics do not lie, human behaviour does lot lie. My previous sexual partners arent going to put a future gf off.

Edited November 12, 2019 by IslandSanctuary

[Michelle ma Belle]

Perhaps therapy is your best option at this point.

 

It's clear he has an issue with it even if he doesn't bring it up ALL the time. The fact is, he DOES bring it up even after all these years together.

 

It's also clear that this is HIS issue, not yours but his feelings about it can have and do have an effect on both you and your relationship.

 

Talking to him about it hasn't seemed to help as he pulls it out whenever he wants to hurt you or put you in your place during an argument. That's NOT cool.

 

Seeing a therapist, if only to sort this one issue out may be your best bet to put this to rest once and for all.

[IslandSanctuary]

Men approach women in bars and clubs, it's mostly the mans job to display initial interest.

 

"How does the key that opens many locks differ from the door that opens for many keys?"

 

Men and women are different especially when it comes to sex.

 

I know every woman here thinks im being a douche, but am I wrong? I think every woman here knows deep down she finds an experienced man far more attractive than a non experienced virginal boy

 

Life isn't fair, I didnt make the rules.

[vla1120]

Don't wait until he brings it up in a fight. I would bring it up gently and just tell him that what happened before the two of you met has nothing to do with your relationship. He should not feel insecure about your past. He should only be focused on the present and future with you.

[elaine567]

This kind of stuff is usually from guys like your husband who feel sexually inadequate.

He was supposed to be the one with all the sexual experience not you.

He thus whenever he is annoyed takes his frustrations out on you to make himself feel better.

You were either the foolish "victim" of these men or you are a "whore", he is not really sure which, but neither paints you in a good light and that is kind of satisfying to him.

 

He has a handful of pretty unfulfilling experiences with women he did not really respect, girls who put out on the first date, girls who may not even have wanted him if he is honest. Whereas you got the real deal, serious relationships and flings.

The past he should have had and didn't.

He is jealous and he "hates" you for it. .

Many men feel they need to "top" other men, but how can he do that when your experience is greater than his?

 

He needs professional help or you can just leave, as this will likely not get better on its own, it may get worse..

He may try to "even the score" by cheating on you in an attempt to resurrect his ego..

 

Also, he thought he married a "good girl" to find, you are not the woman he thought you were. Even in 2019 it can be huge deal for some men.

Many men value themselves by the woman on their arm, he thought he struck gold, now he thinks you are no better or even worse than the women he rejected as being not good enough for him...

He pecks at you as he is angry with himself too

Unless he gets help I suggest you may still be putting up with this assault on your self esteem for as long as you can bear it.

 

This is another example of why women need to never divulge their sexual past, many men just cannot accept it. It challenges their masculinity and their need to control and be superior, at least in their own little world.

They cannot change the past and it drives them mad.

[preraph]

The more sexual partners a woman had the far more likely she was to leave or stray

 

Yeah. It's called freedom. And lets be serious here. Which sex "strays" more?

[mark clemson]

Men like women with a lower number - it's proven biology.

Women like experienced men, the men other women want - it's proven biology.

 

 

...but science does not lie, statistics do not lie, human behaviour does lot lie.

 

 

I don't actually disagree with your point for many men generally. However, I would think there are exceptions to this. Ie, men who either don't care at all or in some cases actually prefer women with more partners (possibly only up to a certain point).

 

However, the term "biology" suggests something that would be difficult to change without surgery or similar. If the bolded is actually true, can you post a link from a reputable source showing the scientific research? Or, where exactly did you get this information from?

[sarahkay]

Also, he thought he married a "good girl" to find, you are not the woman he thought you were. Even in 2019 it can be huge deal for some men. Many men value themselves by the woman on their arm, he thought he struck gold, now he thinks you are no better or even worse than the women he rejected as being not good enough for him...

He pecks at you as he is angry with himself too

Unless he gets help I suggest you may still be putting up with this assault on your self esteem for as long as you can bear it.

 

This is another example of why women need to never divulge their sexual past, many men just cannot accept it. It challenges their masculinity and their need to control and be superior, at least in their own little world.

They cannot change the past and it drives them mad.

 

I completely agree with you about why women should never divulge the actual number, which I never have. And to clarify, he knew about this since way before we married; since we started dating. He would talk about actual sexual experiences he had and details; I talked about men I’ve “dated,” and by the seriousness of some of those relationships he knows there was sex. I remember when we had been dating for a weeks, he asked me about a guy I had been dating a few months before him (he could still see him on my Facebook). He asked if I slept with him. He gave me so much detail about the sexual relations he’s had with the few women he’s mentioned that it felt natural to say YES, I did. He started crying. We had been drinking so I attributed it to that, but not it makes sense why he reacted that way. But yet he stayed and went on to marry me. I don’t get it.

[preraph]

This is his problem. If a guy had even come close to crying about this before I married him, I'd have taken off running. That's not normal. That's deepseated inadequacy and, again, puritanism. At least you can't say he's double standard, which is usually the case. But what do you bet if he'd had more opportunity, he'd have taken it and not gotten all judgy about himself?

[sarahkay]

This is his problem. If a guy had even come close to crying about this before I married him, I'd have taken off running. That's not normal. That's deepseated inadequacy and, again, puritanism. At least you can't say he's double standard, which is usually the case. But what do you bet if he'd had more opportunity, he'd have taken it and not gotten all judgy about himself?

 

Yes, lol. I thought it was super weird when he started crying about that, but I attributed it to his drunkenness. Oh, one thing he talks about a lot from

his party days is how much opportunity he had with women but most of the time he didn’t want to because he didn’t want to have to worry about staying sober enough to do it, he just wanted to drink and have fun with his friends. Also, he lost his virginity much later than I did, I think he said 18 (me at 16). So that’s another thing he’s better at than me in his mind. Well, I turned down a lot of people too if that is where he is getting at. But no, I would not have preferred drinking over sex. I didn’t drink at all before. Now only socially with him, but that’s beside the point.

[IslandSanctuary]

Don't wait until he brings it up in a fight. I would bring it up gently and just tell him that what happened before the two of you met has nothing to do with your relationship. He should not feel insecure about your past. He should only be focused on the present and future with you.

 

Past behaviour suddenly is irrelevant? So if it's positive things you did in the past it should have no positive connotations?

Actions have consequences.

Everything is a scale, would you marry a guy that used to be a male stripper? How about a gigolo? Extreme I know but I'm only bringing it up to argue with your notion that what happened in the past is irrelevant. It is very relevant.

 

It's obvious it bothers him, but it's his fault for marrying you. No one is entitled to an individuals love and marriage. Who you are and what you do is important. Duh.

[IslandSanctuary]

However, the term "biology" suggests something that would be difficult to change without surgery or similar. If the bolded is actually true, can you post a link from a reputable source showing the scientific research? Or, where exactly did you get this information from?

 

There are exceptions to the rule, always. An 80% divorce rate isn't all encompassing, it isn't 100%.

 

I read this in Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and I've heard it quoted before.

 

It's common knowledge men like young fertile women, and women generally go for older more experienced men.

[IslandSanctuary]

Yeah. It's called freedom. And lets be serious here. Which sex "strays" more?

 

This wasn't an attack on women. Yes I agree men stray more. I'd personally hate to have to date men and try and find a good one. I wouldn't partner up many of my friends if I was a woman, if any.

 

But an 80% divorce rate over ten years seems alarming.

The women with 1-2 partners had over a 90% rate of marriage success over a ten year period. So all the virginal religious types are the ones bringing that average divorce rate down to 50%. Sad huh. If you're a regular western woman that drinks and dances, has girls nights out, you're far more likely to end up divorced.

 

I'm allowed to have preferences in who I choose as a partner. I'm sure there are things men do that would put you off them.

 

Men traditionally have valued virgin brides. It's what the majority of men would like. Most women I suspect know this - it's why they 'slut shame' each other. It's why they get so defensive when it's brought up. Some women want to have their cake and eat it too.

 

"Oh I dumped him coz he was an unemployed loser" - fine

"Oh I dumped her coz she was a slut" - should be fine too

 

Power, age, high salary = attractive to women and the opposite to men Is it a crime? No.

 

But yeah I'm getting way off track. Really to be a woman with 10 or so partners is not all uncommon, and most men just have to bite the bullet and accept it if they want to be married. So really he needs to deal with this and not let it hurt your relationship.

 

Read Not Just Friends and let him know you practice good boundaries with the opposite sex now, may help put his mind at ease. Communicate with him that this wont work for you, he needs to at least make an effort to tone it down.

Edited November 13, 2019 by IslandSanctuary