When do you demand forgiveness?

[Hesjustnotthatin2u]

I am three weeks married to my husband now and things have been great. We've been together for 5 years and have had our shares of up and downs like any couple, but overall, we are happy.

 

My husband is a great guy, and everyone who meets him loves him.

My only frustration with him that seems to always be the reason an argument starts out, is because he snaps randomly and always seems to justify it somehow.

From what I've heard, his dad has been that way with his mom sometimes. I'm wondering if this is just the background that he's used to and thinks its okay.

Well, where I come from, that's not okay.

 

Last night, everything was fine, I was in the kitchen making dinner and he was in other room with a partial wall between us and I asked him something. He didn't respond, so I called his name, still no response. So I called his name again in question thinking maybe he left the room. But he snapped, "I'M ON THE PHONE!!!"

I mean yelled it. I stopped dead in my tracks and responded, "Seriously?? You don't have to yell at me. I didn't know you were on the phone."

I didn't say anything after that, and when he got off the phone he said, "Just so you know, I did mute the phone when I said that" - as if he was afraid I'd be embarrassed with whoever he was talking to. But I didn't care about who heard it, what I cared about was him snapping on me.

I explained that to him and said it was unnessary and that I couldn't see through the wall and didn't know he was on the phone and didn't have to snap at me. He tried to justify it and say, "Well you kept calling my name!" I said, "I don't care, you still didn't have to yell at me." He seemed annoyed and we didn't talk the rest of the night.

 

Last night, he started feeling sick and slept in the living room. He texted me a couple times at work today, all of which I gave short answers because I was still upset there was no apology given. He told me he was coming home from work early because he still didn't feel well.

 

I feel bad in a way because I know he is sick, and normally I would give him some TLC and make sure he's okay, but he is stubborn as anything and still won't acknowledge the fact that he knows I'm still upset with him. I asked if he needed anything, and told him I was heading out to a coffee shop to do some work.

 

Perhaps it seems silly to you, and maybe if this was a one time thing, I'd let it go. But I swear he is convinced, that if he gives me enough time, I will just let it roll of my back and get over it.

 

How do I move forward from here? Do I finally break the ice and tell him I think he should apologize? Keep being cold, and let him figure it out himself? Or move on, and wait for it to happen again?

 

Typically when I've brought up this stuff in the past, he plays the blame game and responds with, "Well you do XYZ too you know" or "You're not always a peach yourself!"

 

I'm not good at this stuff, and I don't have a lot of people to confide in.

Any help on this?

[stillafool]

I know the type and more than likely he will respond the same way if you bring it up again. He was wrong that is for sure.

[d0nnivain]

You don't demand anything. You aren't the one who needs forgiveness. You are the one who should be doling it out.

 

Anyway, give him some TLC. That is what you do in a marriage even when you are mad.

 

Then say to him that in the future you'd appreciate it if he communicated better. Had he said I'm on the phone in a normal tone the 1st time you called for him there would have been no need for yelling. He is the one who should have prevented this.

 

Even though you have been together for 5 years, you have only been married for 3 weeks. The dynamic has changed. My 1st year of marriage was the hardest because it was an adjustment.

[preraph]

Tell him what you told us, that you understand this is him imitating his father, but that it is NOT acceptable to you and you will not tolerate it. He doesn't have to apologize. He has to stop doing it. Let him know if the nasty snapping for no reason doesn't stop, you two are not going to be getting along very well.

 

And who knows if he's really sick or this is just how he plans on handling it when you're mad. So don't reward him for being sick. Make sure he has the necessities, but don't baby him.

[mark clemson]

I think some folks have a tendency, once a relationship is well established, to "take the other person for granted" a little and so be less polite and "shorter fused" than they would be.

 

I have known partners who could get stressed and be short tempered but then it wouldn't mean anything except right then. In other words, they act "angry" but they're not really angry, they're just being "efficient" in getting you to stop distracting them as quickly as possible. Of course, the downside is that it's rude to you and may make you angry with them for how they are treating you.

 

So I do think you should talk about it with him.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Do you mean when do you demand an apology?

[elaine567]

How sick is he? Or has he retreated into the mancave as he knows you are mad with him.

He may be playing the victim to get away with his bad behaviour...

 

If this snapping, yelling and justifying is how his father dealt with things, maybe have a word with his mother about other behaviours his Dad shows, so you are ready and prepared.

[GorillaTheater]

My wife doesn't apologize, ever. The idea of "demanding" an apology from her is kind of funny, and foreign. I've chosen to deal, but in your situation you're certainly free to choose otherwise.

 

All you have to do is determine whether this is a deal-breaker for you.

[RecentChange]

I am going to be a little harsh and say that this little issue is a BIG DEAL.

 

You two have been married for 3 short weeks - and it looks like there is a lot of work to be done regarding communication, expectations and forgiveness. Little stuff like this if not dealt in a healthy way will erode a foundation of a marriage.

 

You state that this snapping at you is a reoccurring issue. Instead of arguing about why the snapping was justified or not, how about you instead tell him how it makes you feel.

 

When you snap at me like that, it makes me feel like you don't respect me. When you snap at me like that it makes me feel bad and resent you.

 

Stating how his actions make you FEEL should avoid arguments and allow you two to communicate better.

 

 

 

He seemed annoyed and we didn't talk the rest of the night.

 

Going to bed angry should be avoided at all costs. Talk about it, work it out, communicate, treat each other with respect and love and DO NOT go to bed angry.

 

Don't allow little things like this fester - they will disease the whole relationship.

 

I gave short answers because I was still upset there was no apology given.

 

Try not to play these kind of games - do you think he understands why you are being short, or does he just think you are being a jerk? COMMUNICATE tell him you are still upset from the day before. He may not agree with you but at least let him know why you are being short. Partners are terrible mind readers.

 

I feel bad in a way because I know he is sick, and normally I would give him some TLC and make sure he's okay, but he is stubborn as anything and still won't acknowledge the fact that he knows I'm still upset with him.

 

Again, communicate, stop the festering. Remind yourself that you love your husband of 3 short weeks. Tell him with words (NOT a cold shoulder) that you are still upset - but dote on him anyway while he is sick because that is what you do for someone you love right?

 

How do I move forward from here? Do I finally break the ice and tell him I think he should apologize? Keep being cold, and let him figure it out himself? Or move on, and wait for it to happen again?

 

Yes, you talk to him. You tell him how you feel. Don't demand an apology, thats now how apologies work. You tell him how you understand it wasn't his intent, but when he snaps like that it hurts your feelings. You tell him that you don't want to fight over silly little issues like this any more.

 

If he loves and respects you, he should be willing to listen to you. He should be willing to have some empathy and understand how while I am sure it wasn't his intent at all, but his actions affect you.

 

Marriage is about being a TEAM, working together so both of your lives are better. Cold shoulders, going to bed mad, waiting in silence for someone to do what you think they should do, but you haven't told them they should do is not the recipe to happily ever after.

 

And sometimes we really truly have to pick our battles. First I say try to come to middle ground. Talk to each other out of love. Use empathy.

 

In the end, decide if its something that could be water off a ducks back - of if it is worth going to bed angry about.

[basil67]

We have a rule in our house: The one who calls to the partner from another room is ALWAYS the one who's in the wrong. And it's quite understandable he snapped at you. I mean, when he didn't answer you the first two times, did it not occur to you that he either couldn't hear you or couldn't answer?

 

So anyway, one can't demand forgiveness. But you are the one who needs to apologise for yelling to him instead of going to speak to him in the room he was in. Then make a pact with him that you'll both do your best to not call through the house to each other. Make the effort to go where the other is if you want to speak with them.

[Hesjustnotthatin2u]

Do you mean when do you demand an apology?

 

Yes!! Lol oops!

[Hesjustnotthatin2u]

We have a rule in our house: The one who calls to the partner from another room is ALWAYS the one who's in the wrong. And it's quite understandable he snapped at you. I mean, when he didn't answer you the first two times, did it not occur to you that he either couldn't hear you or couldn't answer?

 

So anyway, one can't demand forgiveness. But you are the one who needs to apologise for yelling to him instead of going to speak to him in the room he was in. Then make a pact with him that you'll both do your best to not call through the house to each other. Make the effort to go where the other is if you want to speak with them.

 

 

That's an interesting take on it. While I could of went into the other room to see why he didn't answer me, I still don't believe snapping at me was the healthy answer to this approach.

[basil67]

We aren't a particularly snappy couple here, but being yelled at from another room can be really annoying if you're busy doing something.... and snapping can indeed happen as a result. Am I really supposed to stop what I am doing and go to them to see what they want?

 

This is why we have the rule about the one who's doing the yelling from another room being wrong and acceptance that the one who snaps back is quite justified in their response.

[Bella_Lee]

Hi @OP, I think this is why communication is so important in any relationship especially marriage because we all process things differently.

Occasionally someone can be snappy with their reply if they are in a bad mood but if his approach of snapping is becoming a frequent behavior, then I can understand your concerns.

From my own experience, giving a cold shoulder in the hope that your husband will realize that you're upset and apologize might not be the best course of action and I say this because I used to do this and it rarely worked.

I suggest you find a suitable time when you're both in a good place and just explain to him how it makes you feel when he snaps at you and your need for him to not to resort to this way of communication with you.

In marriage, I've learnt that it's important to choose your battles wisely because at the end of the day you're on the same team and want to win together.

I saw a quote recently which said "Offence is an event, but to be offended is a choice"...hmmm that made me think.

All the best and keep being an awesome loving wife, he needs that .

[Mr. Lucky]

We have a rule in our house: The one who calls to the partner from another room is ALWAYS the one who's in the wrong. And it's quite understandable he snapped at you. I mean, when he didn't answer you the first two times, did it not occur to you that he either couldn't hear you or couldn't answer?

 

Absolutely. Love my wife dearly, but she has the same bad habit. I'll be upstairs doing something and she'll call my name - several times, just like you OP. So I trudge downstairs only to have her tell me something about the kids or a TV show. I'm happy to talk, but how about you come find me? Grrrrr...

 

Only difference is no multi-day grudges and no going to bed mad ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LivingWaterPlease]

We have a rule in our house: The one who calls to the partner from another room is ALWAYS the one who's in the wrong....

But you are the one who needs to apologise for yelling to him instead of going to speak to him in the room he was in.

 

being yelled at from another room can be really annoying if you're busy doing something.... and snapping can indeed happen as a result.... This is why we have the rule about the one who's doing the yelling from another room being wrong and acceptance that the one who snaps back is quite justified in their response.

 

^^^This! I don't want to be called at from a distance anywhere anytime unless it's a bonafide emergency. I don't care to hear people yelling at each other from a distance even outdoors, again, unless it's an emergency. At the very least it seems inconsiderate to me and at the most, uncouth. Sorry, don't mean to offend, just sharing a different perspective you may not have thought of!

 

Also, the title of your thread uses the word "demand." That word doesn't seem compatible, to me, with maintaining a loving relationship.

 

Someone else pointed out your treatment of him while sick seems a little gamey and I agree with that. Playing games in your R benefits no one.

[Art_Critic]

My wife doesn't apologize, ever. The idea of "demanding" an apology from her is kind of funny, and foreign. I've chosen to deal, but in your situation you're certainly free to choose otherwise.

 

All you have to do is determine whether this is a deal-breaker for you.

 

 

That's the way it is in my marriage too.. I choose to deal but only after a few years of trying to get her to apologize and it was fruitless..

It does come up from time to time when I dig my heels in and think she should give in but it always comes down to me dealing with it as is instead.. it would be easier to shovel sand against the tide.

[basil67]

Apologies are rare here too. We simply take on board what the other has said and try to change for the future.