insecure feelings

[Bevsboy]

Hello.

 

I am a 56 year old man. I met a woman in 1994, she got pregnant with my daughter, we married in 1997. I was never in love with her but stuck it out for our daughter. I came to terms with the fact that I would be stuck in that marriage forever. She left me in August 2018.

 

About a year ago in November 2018 I met a 59 year old woman. We slowly became friends and by June 2019 we knew we were in love and started a committed, intimate relationship.

 

This whole love thing feels great, we have so much in common and we are so compatible. I was somewhat clingy and needy in the beginning so I calmed down. I also started to get a little controlling and wanted her to spend a lot of time with me. I was trying to do all the things right that I failed to do in my marriage - but she is a completely different personality. She has never been married, has no kids and before me went 15 years without dating - so she is very independent, doesn't like compliments and is not used to having a guy around.

 

An issue that keeps coming up is the fact that she thinks she isn't good enough for me, feels she isn't special and that I am on the rebound and I just want somebody, anybody.

 

The first 3 or so months were very romantic, we took trips together and I got to the point where if I wasn't with her I got depressed. It was as if I was addicted to her- the only time I felt good was when I was by her side and if she wasn't with me I was depressed and going through a withdraw. Sometimes I don't see her for 2 or 3 days in a row - I get nutty and insecure that I will lose her. The last few weeks we had arguments about my neediness and we almost broke up a week ago.

 

I know I have to let her have her independence. She is such an awesome, loving trustworthy person and I know she truly loves me. I have no real reason to be insecure but when I am not with her I get nutty thoughts.

 

She was at my place last night, as she was leaving I got so sad and panicky- I will not see her today and may not see her tomorrow and I dwell on it constantly and get depressed and sick to my stomach. I don't know how to stop this line of thinking, this gloom and doom panic that I could lose her, and if she senses I am reverting back to my controlling ways she may get sick of it and leave.

 

Please help!!!!!!

[d0nnivain]

You need to re-read what you wrote. Just be more confident in the relationship. Stop being clingy & this should be fine. Easier said then done, I know but be brave.

[FMW]

Your "all in" approach fairly quickly probably scares her and she doesn't quite believe it's going to last. She's probably waiting for the bubble to pop. "Lovebombing" is pretty common with guys that are players and it's probably making her radar go off.

 

I'm also very independent and I think that would be my reaction. If you always seem to be needing more and more of her time and attention she might wonder if you will seek more attention elsewhere, from other women.

 

Try to moderate your intensity, find something else to funnel your anxiety into (hobbies, sports, etc.). Enjoy your time together and show that you believe in your connection enough to give her some space.

 

I'm glad you've found love - relax, breathe and enjoy it.

[mark clemson]

Suggest you go to IC to help develop "secure" feelings generally, so you will then feel secure about her.

 

It's a little tricky as many women want you to love them but also give them their space which can be tough for many men I think.

[Mr. Lucky]

I dwell on it constantly and get depressed and sick to my stomach. I don't know how to stop this line of thinking, this gloom and doom panic that I could lose her, and if she senses I am reverting back to my controlling ways she may get sick of it and leave.

 

Please help!!!!!!

 

I'm sure you see the irony here - the very thing you cling to so desperately is the same thing destroyed by your neediness. In other words, you're your own worst enemy.

 

Agree with Mark, IC is a must. You're putting a lot of unnecessary weight on this relationship at a fragile time. A lot going on here, most of which has very little to do with her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[rjc149]

You have an anxious attachment style. She sounds like she may have an avoidant attachment style. She triggers your anxiety, which causes you to cling and control, which in turn drives her further away, which triggers your anxiety, which causes you to cling more...

 

It's the anxious/avoidant dance. And it may not be something you can help on your own.

 

If going 2-3 days without seeing her triggers your anxiety, I think you should talk to a therapist and get to the root of this anxiety. It helps to talk it out.

 

But I can guarantee that your smothering and controlling behavior will kill this love dead.

[basil67]

When you're anxious about not seeing her for 2-3 days, what are the thoughts going through your head?

[Bevsboy]

I am in a 2-3 day cycle of not seeing her now.

 

I am lonely, agitated and feel like she doesn't want to be with me or love me as much as I love her.

 

she is busy doing things with friends and I completely 100% trust her and know she loves me - I just feel differently about the relationship that she does I guess.

 

When we are together it is so awesome and I can't get enough - but she is very independent and likes doing her own thing.

 

My fear is I am going to get too needy again and blow it.

[preraph]

Most people need some space and it doesn't mean they don't love you as much.

 

You sound a little codependent and certainly anxious, and yes, you have to control it or you will smother her and run her off. You need to give her all the space she needs.

[Mr. Lucky]

My fear is I am going to get too needy again and blow it.

 

So how will you feel when she dumps you and ends the relationship?

 

You can keep posting the same thing, we'll keep giving the same feedback. This is something to work through with a therapist...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bevsboy]

After almost 72 hours of torturous, depression and anxiety ridden separation from my girlfriend I saw her for a little while last night and it is all good. I got my fix.

I went home last night without making any plans for the weekend - I am trying not to be needy.

I stressed out all night and this morning about what would happen this weekend - will I see her or not. She actually texted me a few hours ago and asked if we can be together tonight, I asked if I could sleep over and she said yes.

I am on Cloud 9 now but still have that irrational fear that something could go wrong and I won't see her or sleep over. I know all of this is in my twisted mind. The relationship is going very well - love, affection, intimacy but I can't shake this insecurity that it is all going to fall apart.

Next Thursday will mark 5 month that we have been in this committed relationship but I still feel like it is quite fragile. I do not know how to get to the point of comfort and confidence that all will be ok.

[Rockdad]

I do not know how to get to the point of comfort and confidence that all will be ok.

 

 

THERAPY before you blow this up.

[Bevsboy]

Not to put down therapy - I believe in it.

 

But at this point in my life I do not have the time and/or money for therapy.

 

what is wrong with me will take years to fix (if ever) and my health insurance is ending next month and I am not sure what the future holds on that.

 

I am 3 years sober and in AA; I have a good sponsor and a great support group. I was just here looking for more ideas.

 

If you are just going to tell me "go to therapy" without offering any suggestions you might as well not even post.

[Mr. Lucky]

If you are just going to tell me "go to therapy" without offering any suggestions you might as well not even post.

 

Well, you've described three anxiety attacks in the last 3 days. I guess you could just hope it all resolves itself but I've never known that to be a particularly successful approach.

 

What's this relationship worth to you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, you've described three anxiety attacks in the last 3 days. I guess you could just hope it all resolves itself but I've never known that to be a particularly successful approach.

 

What's this relationship worth to you?

 

I was about to write the same thing.

 

You need to get to the root of this, OP. Since you appear to have no idea where this is coming from, I am not sure how you intend to manage it on your own. When you are at the point of this crippling you, which it appears to be, untangling this by yourself is going to be extremely difficult. I would not be so quick to dismiss counselling as an option, or if you cannot afford it, some self-help books at the absolute minimum. Videos. Online support groups for other folks with extreme insecurity and relationship anxiety. I am not sure how much self-help will do for you, but it is worth a try before this all falls apart.

 

Perhaps some of stems from the fact that you and she are evidently very different people with very different approaches to relationships. You are worried this won't work out in the long run, particularly if she's already put you on notice for being too needy. Be realistic about your and her ability to function as a couple. Understand that nobody can fulfill their partner's needs all the time, and it is your job to enrich your own life. What do you do when you are not with her? How's your own social life? She sounds like she has a full life - do you?